Reply to How long to wait to get to counseling after affair discovery?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]So the general consensus in the affair recovery world is to do individual counseling first, but you are dealing with a mad hatter situation, and so I think that makes a difference. I would say if you're both willing to do it now, then do it now. As you yourself know, your wife's feelings for the affair partner are just that . . . feelings. You can be attracted and attached to another person while also choosing to work on your marriage. Remember, the grass is greenest where you water it.[/quote]

Wife has been in weekly therapy for 3.5 years but only disclosed the affair a few days ago, I’m sure she was working on other things but what a waste of time to not disclose something so major to the one person you’re paying to tell  everything to.

I had been in weekly therapy for about 18 months and then dropped back to once every three weeks as we kind of ran out of things to talk about, I’ll be back to weekly for a little while now I’m sure.

I’m all in on the hard work but at this point I feel like she needs to be the one to move the process along, we have some information on EFT and Gottman, I am fine with either.

[/quote]

Why does she have to be the one? [/quote]

Her getting counseling rolling is mostly symbolic at this point.

I have been asking for counseling for a few years now and she has never wanted to go. 
Eight days ago I found a half dozen pictures and a video she saved of some guy teasing her and at the end he delivers the most solemn and sincere I love you I’ve ever seen. He speaks in a whisper in his tiny bathroom so his wife can’t hear, her products are all in the background.  
The emoting I witnessed doesn’t happen unless there has been an equally intense gesture on the other side. So yeah, I’ve made it clear that we need counseling and if she wants to go she can collect a few referrals and we’ll set something up, but I’m not doing the legwork just yet.   [/quote]

Guessing when you had your EA you didn’t research counselors and set up an appointment either. You could have done that and told her I’m going, hope to see you there.

You’re both responsible for getting out of the passive, it’s the other person’s fault mentality if you want to fix this.[/quote]

Nope, did that two years ago and she didn’t make it past the intake session.

People treat you exactly how they feel about you, pick a therapist and I’ll be there, if you don’t then I have my answer. [/quote]

And what are you going to do about it?

Your marriage has had issues for a very long time from the sound of it. I don’t think this is giving you new information. The question isn’t how she feels: it’s what you plan to do.[/quote]

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