How long to wait to get to counseling after affair discovery?

[Anonymous]

Spouse has been in an online emotional affair exchanging regular I love you’s for the past 15 months, nothing physical but there was likely sexting and maybe some video stuff.

They were proclaiming love for someone 7 days ago but after being caught they finally want to go to the marriage counseling I’ve been suggesting for a few years.

It feels weird to start work on a marriage with someone that’s still in love with somebody else.

Should there be a cooling off period before starting therapy?

[Anonymous]

Was it just online? Did they ever meet in person?

[Anonymous]

No. Start therapy now. Try to limit discussions of pain to therapy.

Also, the likelihood of an emotional affair lasting 15 months with no physical contact seems extremely tiny. I say this as someone who was stupid enough to have an online emotional affair. Mine was only a few months long but it is a lot more intense than it sounds and if it had continued we would have progressed to a physical affair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Spouse has been in an online emotional affair exchanging regular I love you’s for the past 15 months, nothing physical but there was likely sexting and maybe some video stuff.

They were proclaiming love for someone 7 days ago but after being caught they finally want to go to the marriage counseling I’ve been suggesting for a few years.

It feels weird to start work on a marriage with someone that’s still in love with somebody else.

Should there be a cooling off period before starting therapy?

Are you the guy who had the emotional affair and then your wife had one?

You guys both sound very conflict avoidant. I think you should start the therapy ASAP and deal with this. Actually start talking to each other honestly and openly. Anger and feeling distant, etc. is normal and a good therapist will help you get to the painful vulnerable feelings underlying this. You need to get all the negative emotions out there and stop sweeping everything under the rug.

Good suggestion to limit talking about this topic to therapy. Make sure you get someone good. PsyD or PhD have more years training. LCPC or LISCW have been so so in my experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Was it just online? Did they ever meet in person?

Positive there was nothing physical, the only way they could have pulled that off is if the Concorde were still in service.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Was it just online? Did they ever meet in person?

Positive there was nothing physical, the only way they could have pulled that off is if the Concorde were still in service.

How do you know the AP didn't come to your location?

I only ask because I thought 7,000 miles was enough to deter a physical affair on my spouse's part. Alas, it was not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Was it just online? Did they ever meet in person?

Positive there was nothing physical, the only way they could have pulled that off is if the Concorde were still in service.

How do you know the AP didn't come to your location?

I only ask because I thought 7,000 miles was enough to deter a physical affair on my spouse's part. Alas, it was not.

Wow, ok well anything is possible.

[Anonymous]

I would say immediately if it was just a sex-only set up but the fact that your spouse is emotionally connected & in love w/his affair partner is truly problematic.

How can therapy be effective at all if one party is in love w/someone other than their spouse??

[Anonymous]

You've got it all wrong. You're working on the marriage, he's working on not paying for a divorce. Why would he be honest with a therapist when he happily lied to his wife for over a year? You don't matter to him anymore. Act accordingly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would say immediately if it was just a sex-only set up but the fact that your spouse is emotionally connected & in love w/his affair partner is truly problematic.

How can therapy be effective at all if one party is in love w/someone other than their spouse??

It might not be but it might help OP and spouse figure out that they want to split. Go to therapy now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You've got it all wrong. You're working on the marriage, he's working on not paying for a divorce. Why would he be honest with a therapist when he happily lied to his wife for over a year? You don't matter to him anymore. Act accordingly.

+1

[Anonymous]

Go to self therapy first to sort out your situation.

[Anonymous]

OP is this you?

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/60/987253.page#25788963

Your wife’s affair is probably not unrelated to yours. You both need marital counseling to get to the root of this and figure out what is going on. Maybe you both want to move on from this relationship. Or maybe you just lack the tools to communicate.

[Anonymous]

Op here; I didn’t think it would matter but some of you have the genders reversed; my wife is the one who had the 12-15 month emotional affair.

Any change to the advice?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You've got it all wrong. You're working on the marriage, he's working on not paying for a divorce. Why would he be honest with a therapist when he happily lied to his wife for over a year? You don't matter to him anymore. Act accordingly.

Or, he'll realize that infatuation is not enough to break his family apart and pay for two households. Love doesn't pay the bills or facilitate custody.
Just because they've exchanged expressions of love doesn't mean they are in a position to start again together, and in time, he might realize he's got it pretty good with you.

However, this new state of the relationship might not be enough for you, OP.

I would take some time to think about it. You can try therapy and counseling, but don't pin your hopes on them. Often they're quite useless.