Touched Out: Is Motherhood a Scam?

[Anonymous]

I think so much of what women have and are doing is comparing themselves and their lives to those of men and the things they have created and then trying to be like them and equate success with doing what they do. All these people calling for daycare seem to forget that the daycare is provided almost exclusively by other women who themselves may be touched out when they go home to their own children. The fact of the matter is that human children are high need. I think a lot of people don’t realize that life has Seasons. Times of great work and stress and times of more enjoyment and rest. “They’re only little once” isn’t intended to discount that it is hard. It is a reminder that this too shall pass. A happy, loved and well raised child isn’t just a gift to that child but a gift to our common humanity.

[Anonymous]

A happy, loved and well raised child isn’t just a gift to that child but a gift to our common humanity.

A profound truth.

Too bad our common humanity does so little to establish the conditions in which children can be well raised, loved and happy.

[Anonymous]

I think reproducing and having kids is common and necessary to continue the species.

I think modern parenting is on another level and because of it, many women are unhappy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think reproducing and having kids is common and necessary to continue the species.

I think modern parenting is on another level and because of it, many women are unhappy.

+1 well put

Children are a gift to all people, parents or not. But so much about the way our society is set up makes it all much harder than it has to be.

I was talking to an older gentleman, maybe 65. His mother locked them out of the house every morning. “Go play.” And she stayed at home.

Paid employment plus kids equals the double shift. Plus you’re reinforcing the lack of value given to care of young kids as daycare workers are badly paid.

Staying at home means isolation unless you’re very social and have a good amount of money. It also means wrangling a little kid or two for a few years to teach them to behave (because you’re responsible for his behavior after all) without yelling or corporal punishment.

“It’s just a hard season mama. Don’t compare yourself to men!”

It doesn’t have to be this hard. We chose to make it so. A start would be less insane expectations of mothers.

[Anonymous]

This article did not resonate with me at all.

I'm a mom. I don't feel coerced or part of a system. I'm a feminist.

I think a subset of the population is naturally inclined to be super introspective about things. Go for it. It's just not me.

[Anonymous]

I love the physical aspect of parenting. I’ve discovered though that not having quiet time alone makes me sad. I’ve compensated by staying up too late after everyone goes to bed. It’s not heathy for me and I’m always tired. But it’s the only way I can sit in silence with my thoughts or read.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I love the physical aspect of parenting. I’ve discovered though that not having quiet time alone makes me sad. I’ve compensated by staying up too late after everyone goes to bed. It’s not heathy for me and I’m always tired. But it’s the only way I can sit in silence with my thoughts or read.

My husband does this. And then sleeps in because "he's tired." Tired, because he stayed up too late. And its a vicious cycle because after he sleeps in, he doesn't feel tired at a normal bedtime, because he didn't get up until 9am and the whole thing repeats.

[Anonymous]

I think that the author is on to something. The martyrdom model of motherhood has become the ideal female POV of parenthood. Unfortunately, it is compounded by the fact that other domestic duties and mental burden also falls on women. And corporate policies often frown upon mothers.

On top of that, the pandemic clearly showed us that schools are not doing a great job of educating our children and if we do not parent our children then there are others in real and virtual life who will prey on them.

Biologically, mothers have been programmed to be the primary caregiver to a large extent. But, in the modern world, we cannot put more burden on mothers than is already there biologically and not expect that that they either switch off or are resentful.

I have taken my cues in parenting from my DH and not from other women. He and I, met in graduate school, and we both worked in careers that required us to think and analyze. He is an amazing dad and husband, but he had NO GUILT to outsource chores and throw money for convenience. When we decided that I will become a SAHM, he was worried about my mental state. He and I, built-in all the breaks possible for me, so that I could be a less resentful and mainly happy SAHM and wife.

I can say, I am very happy with my life and all the time I have spent with my kids. All that is possible because I had relatives who helped, DH who helped, I could sleep in on weekends, I had domestic help, I was secure. It mitigated the erasure of a professional identity and getting out of touch with many of my friends from a previous life.

Motherhood is never easy for the mothers. Is it a scam? No. But, it requires you to smash your sense of self as it existed before having a child and rebuild something new in which the child becomes central. It does not matter if you are a SAHM or WOHM. You are forever changed in ways that you could not have comprehended before being a parent. It is not a scam in the sense that it is also very joyful and fulfilling. But, it is absolutely not easy and it does a number on you as an individual. There is also not one single prescription to have a balanced life in motherhood that works for everyone. Because your health, your baggage, your child, your marriage, your job... in short your whole existence is unique and dynamic. All I can say is that mothers try their best and mostly put themselves last.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think that the author is on to something. The martyrdom model of motherhood has become the ideal female POV of parenthood. Unfortunately, it is compounded by the fact that other domestic duties and mental burden also falls on women. And corporate policies often frown upon mothers.

On top of that, the pandemic clearly showed us that schools are not doing a great job of educating our children and if we do not parent our children then there are others in real and virtual life who will prey on them.

Biologically, mothers have been programmed to be the primary caregiver to a large extent. But, in the modern world, we cannot put more burden on mothers than is already there biologically and not expect that that they either switch off or are resentful.

I have taken my cues in parenting from my DH and not from other women. He and I, met in graduate school, and we both worked in careers that required us to think and analyze. He is an amazing dad and husband, but he had NO GUILT to outsource chores and throw money for convenience. When we decided that I will become a SAHM, he was worried about my mental state. He and I, built-in all the breaks possible for me, so that I could be a less resentful and mainly happy SAHM and wife.

I can say, I am very happy with my life and all the time I have spent with my kids. All that is possible because I had relatives who helped, DH who helped, I could sleep in on weekends, I had domestic help, I was secure. It mitigated the erasure of a professional identity and getting out of touch with many of my friends from a previous life.

Motherhood is never easy for the mothers. Is it a scam? No. But, it requires you to smash your sense of self as it existed before having a child and rebuild something new in which the child becomes central. It does not matter if you are a SAHM or WOHM. You are forever changed in ways that you could not have comprehended before being a parent. It is not a scam in the sense that it is also very joyful and fulfilling. But, it is absolutely not easy and it does a number on you as an individual. There is also not one single prescription to have a balanced life in motherhood that works for everyone. Because your health, your baggage, your child, your marriage, your job... in short your whole existence is unique and dynamic. All I can say is that mothers try their best and mostly put themselves last.

That's great, but depends on a partner who is like yours. Most DHs are not like yours. My DH definitely contributes to the dynamic where I come last. Even when I'm actively working to change that dynamic, he fights me on doing his fair share, and he fights me on outsourcing, and he fights me on taking time to myself. All while claiming he cares about my mental health and wants an equal partnership.

I wish my DH was more like yours. He's not, and never will be, and there are no social consequences for it. In fact, I think he's a lot more typical than yours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think that the author is on to something. The martyrdom model of motherhood has become the ideal female POV of parenthood. Unfortunately, it is compounded by the fact that other domestic duties and mental burden also falls on women. And corporate policies often frown upon mothers.

On top of that, the pandemic clearly showed us that schools are not doing a great job of educating our children and if we do not parent our children then there are others in real and virtual life who will prey on them.

Biologically, mothers have been programmed to be the primary caregiver to a large extent. But, in the modern world, we cannot put more burden on mothers than is already there biologically and not expect that that they either switch off or are resentful.

I have taken my cues in parenting from my DH and not from other women. He and I, met in graduate school, and we both worked in careers that required us to think and analyze. He is an amazing dad and husband, but he had NO GUILT to outsource chores and throw money for convenience. When we decided that I will become a SAHM, he was worried about my mental state. He and I, built-in all the breaks possible for me, so that I could be a less resentful and mainly happy SAHM and wife.

I can say, I am very happy with my life and all the time I have spent with my kids. All that is possible because I had relatives who helped, DH who helped, I could sleep in on weekends, I had domestic help, I was secure. It mitigated the erasure of a professional identity and getting out of touch with many of my friends from a previous life.

Motherhood is never easy for the mothers. Is it a scam? No. But, it requires you to smash your sense of self as it existed before having a child and rebuild something new in which the child becomes central. It does not matter if you are a SAHM or WOHM. You are forever changed in ways that you could not have comprehended before being a parent. It is not a scam in the sense that it is also very joyful and fulfilling. But, it is absolutely not easy and it does a number on you as an individual. There is also not one single prescription to have a balanced life in motherhood that works for everyone. Because your health, your baggage, your child, your marriage, your job... in short your whole existence is unique and dynamic. All I can say is that mothers try their best and mostly put themselves last.

That's great, but depends on a partner who is like yours. Most DHs are not like yours. My DH definitely contributes to the dynamic where I come last. Even when I'm actively working to change that dynamic, he fights me on doing his fair share, and he fights me on outsourcing, and he fights me on taking time to myself. All while claiming he cares about my mental health and wants an equal partnership.

I wish my DH was more like yours. He's not, and never will be, and there are no social consequences for it. In fact, I think he's a lot more typical than yours.

Mine too. If I ask him to do something I’m nagging and if I say I'm outsourcing I’m a wasteful spender. Conveniently for him all that’s left is me doing everything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think that the author is on to something. The martyrdom model of motherhood has become the ideal female POV of parenthood. Unfortunately, it is compounded by the fact that other domestic duties and mental burden also falls on women. And corporate policies often frown upon mothers.

On top of that, the pandemic clearly showed us that schools are not doing a great job of educating our children and if we do not parent our children then there are others in real and virtual life who will prey on them.

Biologically, mothers have been programmed to be the primary caregiver to a large extent. But, in the modern world, we cannot put more burden on mothers than is already there biologically and not expect that that they either switch off or are resentful.

I have taken my cues in parenting from my DH and not from other women. He and I, met in graduate school, and we both worked in careers that required us to think and analyze. He is an amazing dad and husband, but he had NO GUILT to outsource chores and throw money for convenience. When we decided that I will become a SAHM, he was worried about my mental state. He and I, built-in all the breaks possible for me, so that I could be a less resentful and mainly happy SAHM and wife.

I can say, I am very happy with my life and all the time I have spent with my kids. All that is possible because I had relatives who helped, DH who helped, I could sleep in on weekends, I had domestic help, I was secure. It mitigated the erasure of a professional identity and getting out of touch with many of my friends from a previous life.

Motherhood is never easy for the mothers. Is it a scam? No. But, it requires you to smash your sense of self as it existed before having a child and rebuild something new in which the child becomes central. It does not matter if you are a SAHM or WOHM. You are forever changed in ways that you could not have comprehended before being a parent. It is not a scam in the sense that it is also very joyful and fulfilling. But, it is absolutely not easy and it does a number on you as an individual. There is also not one single prescription to have a balanced life in motherhood that works for everyone. Because your health, your baggage, your child, your marriage, your job... in short your whole existence is unique and dynamic. All I can say is that mothers try their best and mostly put themselves last.

That's great, but depends on a partner who is like yours. Most DHs are not like yours. My DH definitely contributes to the dynamic where I come last. Even when I'm actively working to change that dynamic, he fights me on doing his fair share, and he fights me on outsourcing, and he fights me on taking time to myself. All while claiming he cares about my mental health and wants an equal partnership.

I wish my DH was more like yours. He's not, and never will be, and there are no social consequences for it. In fact, I think he's a lot more typical than yours.

Mine too. If I ask him to do something I’m nagging and if I say I'm outsourcing I’m a wasteful spender. Conveniently for him all that’s left is me doing everything.

Yup, this is why the author in the interview talks about motherhood feeling like a scheme devised by men. If you stay at home, you're lazy and a grifter. If you work, you better still be able to do everything else or you're a bad mom.

Most people we know outsource but DH always says he feels like we can't afford it. Then I talk about getting a slightly less flexible but higher paying job, and he panics and claims our family can't handle it.

I feel like this entire system hinges on me doing a lot of unpaid labor for everyone in my life, but if I go out for drinks with a friend to just try and feel like an independent human being with a social life for once, everyone's like "haha wine moms for life, amiright?" It's all so freaking demeaning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think that the author is on to something. The martyrdom model of motherhood has become the ideal female POV of parenthood. Unfortunately, it is compounded by the fact that other domestic duties and mental burden also falls on women. And corporate policies often frown upon mothers.

On top of that, the pandemic clearly showed us that schools are not doing a great job of educating our children and if we do not parent our children then there are others in real and virtual life who will prey on them.

Biologically, mothers have been programmed to be the primary caregiver to a large extent. But, in the modern world, we cannot put more burden on mothers than is already there biologically and not expect that that they either switch off or are resentful.

I have taken my cues in parenting from my DH and not from other women. He and I, met in graduate school, and we both worked in careers that required us to think and analyze. He is an amazing dad and husband, but he had NO GUILT to outsource chores and throw money for convenience. When we decided that I will become a SAHM, he was worried about my mental state. He and I, built-in all the breaks possible for me, so that I could be a less resentful and mainly happy SAHM and wife.

I can say, I am very happy with my life and all the time I have spent with my kids. All that is possible because I had relatives who helped, DH who helped, I could sleep in on weekends, I had domestic help, I was secure. It mitigated the erasure of a professional identity and getting out of touch with many of my friends from a previous life.

Motherhood is never easy for the mothers. Is it a scam? No. But, it requires you to smash your sense of self as it existed before having a child and rebuild something new in which the child becomes central. It does not matter if you are a SAHM or WOHM. You are forever changed in ways that you could not have comprehended before being a parent. It is not a scam in the sense that it is also very joyful and fulfilling. But, it is absolutely not easy and it does a number on you as an individual. There is also not one single prescription to have a balanced life in motherhood that works for everyone. Because your health, your baggage, your child, your marriage, your job... in short your whole existence is unique and dynamic. All I can say is that mothers try their best and mostly put themselves last.

That's great, but depends on a partner who is like yours. Most DHs are not like yours. My DH definitely contributes to the dynamic where I come last. Even when I'm actively working to change that dynamic, he fights me on doing his fair share, and he fights me on outsourcing, and he fights me on taking time to myself. All while claiming he cares about my mental health and wants an equal partnership.

I wish my DH was more like yours. He's not, and never will be, and there are no social consequences for it. In fact, I think he's a lot more typical than yours.

Mine too. If I ask him to do something I’m nagging and if I say I'm outsourcing I’m a wasteful spender. Conveniently for him all that’s left is me doing everything.

Yup, this is why the author in the interview talks about motherhood feeling like a scheme devised by men. If you stay at home, you're lazy and a grifter. If you work, you better still be able to do everything else or you're a bad mom.

Most people we know outsource but DH always says he feels like we can't afford it. Then I talk about getting a slightly less flexible but higher paying job, and he panics and claims our family can't handle it.

I feel like this entire system hinges on me doing a lot of unpaid labor for everyone in my life, but if I go out for drinks with a friend to just try and feel like an independent human being with a social life for once, everyone's like "haha wine moms for life, amiright?" It's all so freaking demeaning.

Yeah, I don't get any of this. I don't feel a part of "this entire system." And, unpaid labor? What? We all pitch in to keep things running. Sometimes I do more, sometimes I do less but mostly I do the things I want to do and my DH will pick up the things that I really don't want to do - like dishes and mopping. I hate dishes and mopping. Is this whole convo about things like dishes and mopping?

[Anonymous]

I say this as a feminist...
Feminism is killing women.
They tried to sell us on the idea that we could have everything but in reality that will just never happen. Sure you can have a job and you can be a mom and you can be a wife or a girlfriend or a lover or a friend or a daughter. But to be great at every single one of those roles will just never happen.
Women never handed off half of the domestic labor that was needed in order to live a more balanced life in the workforce........ I have a husband who feels he pulls his fair share and I would say he does a good amount but it is nowhere near half and half. I know I am not the wife I was when we first got married before kids. Kids are a huge time. Suck that I love dearly but my god they are tiring. And chores and school work and sports and family events and work events and laundry never ever end

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think reproducing and having kids is common and necessary to continue the species.

I think modern parenting is on another level and because of it, many women are unhappy.

+1 well put

Children are a gift to all people, parents or not. But so much about the way our society is set up makes it all much harder than it has to be.

I was talking to an older gentleman, maybe 65. His mother locked them out of the house every morning. “Go play.” And she stayed at home.

Paid employment plus kids equals the double shift. Plus you’re reinforcing the lack of value given to care of young kids as daycare workers are badly paid.

Staying at home means isolation unless you’re very social and have a good amount of money. It also means wrangling a little kid or two for a few years to teach them to behave (because you’re responsible for his behavior after all) without yelling or corporal punishment.

“It’s just a hard season mama. Don’t compare yourself to men!”

It doesn’t have to be this hard. We chose to make it so. A start would be less insane expectations of mothers.

But expectations are just that, expectations. They aren’t rules or laws. Don’t want to volunteer? Then don’t. Don’t want to make organic baby food? Then don’t. Why is it more appropriate for some other underpaid woman to teach your child to behave rather than you? Be an adult. Live your life. Raise your children in a way that feels right to you. There are no actual consequences for failing to meet whatever expectations you think are out there.

Important things require sacrifice. Guess what? Being a big shot lawyer has expectations too. If your husband isn’t understanding/supportive/pulling his weight then go to therapy. I mean the world isn’t going to solve your problems for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think that the author is on to something. The martyrdom model of motherhood has become the ideal female POV of parenthood. Unfortunately, it is compounded by the fact that other domestic duties and mental burden also falls on women. And corporate policies often frown upon mothers.

On top of that, the pandemic clearly showed us that schools are not doing a great job of educating our children and if we do not parent our children then there are others in real and virtual life who will prey on them.

Biologically, mothers have been programmed to be the primary caregiver to a large extent. But, in the modern world, we cannot put more burden on mothers than is already there biologically and not expect that that they either switch off or are resentful.

I have taken my cues in parenting from my DH and not from other women. He and I, met in graduate school, and we both worked in careers that required us to think and analyze. He is an amazing dad and husband, but he had NO GUILT to outsource chores and throw money for convenience. When we decided that I will become a SAHM, he was worried about my mental state. He and I, built-in all the breaks possible for me, so that I could be a less resentful and mainly happy SAHM and wife.

I can say, I am very happy with my life and all the time I have spent with my kids. All that is possible because I had relatives who helped, DH who helped, I could sleep in on weekends, I had domestic help, I was secure. It mitigated the erasure of a professional identity and getting out of touch with many of my friends from a previous life.

Motherhood is never easy for the mothers. Is it a scam? No. But, it requires you to smash your sense of self as it existed before having a child and rebuild something new in which the child becomes central. It does not matter if you are a SAHM or WOHM. You are forever changed in ways that you could not have comprehended before being a parent. It is not a scam in the sense that it is also very joyful and fulfilling. But, it is absolutely not easy and it does a number on you as an individual. There is also not one single prescription to have a balanced life in motherhood that works for everyone. Because your health, your baggage, your child, your marriage, your job... in short your whole existence is unique and dynamic. All I can say is that mothers try their best and mostly put themselves last.

That's great, but depends on a partner who is like yours. Most DHs are not like yours. My DH definitely contributes to the dynamic where I come last. Even when I'm actively working to change that dynamic, he fights me on doing his fair share, and he fights me on outsourcing, and he fights me on taking time to myself. All while claiming he cares about my mental health and wants an equal partnership.

I wish my DH was more like yours. He's not, and never will be, and there are no social consequences for it. In fact, I think he's a lot more typical than yours.

Mine too. If I ask him to do something I’m nagging and if I say I'm outsourcing I’m a wasteful spender. Conveniently for him all that’s left is me doing everything.

Yup, this is why the author in the interview talks about motherhood feeling like a scheme devised by men. If you stay at home, you're lazy and a grifter. If you work, you better still be able to do everything else or you're a bad mom.

Most people we know outsource but DH always says he feels like we can't afford it. Then I talk about getting a slightly less flexible but higher paying job, and he panics and claims our family can't handle it.

I feel like this entire system hinges on me doing a lot of unpaid labor for everyone in my life, but if I go out for drinks with a friend to just try and feel like an independent human being with a social life for once, everyone's like "haha wine moms for life, amiright?" It's all so freaking demeaning.

I think the comment about everything hanging on unpaid labor is spot on.