Touched Out: Is Motherhood a Scam?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think that the author is on to something. The martyrdom model of motherhood has become the ideal female POV of parenthood. Unfortunately, it is compounded by the fact that other domestic duties and mental burden also falls on women. And corporate policies often frown upon mothers.

On top of that, the pandemic clearly showed us that schools are not doing a great job of educating our children and if we do not parent our children then there are others in real and virtual life who will prey on them.

Biologically, mothers have been programmed to be the primary caregiver to a large extent. But, in the modern world, we cannot put more burden on mothers than is already there biologically and not expect that that they either switch off or are resentful.

I have taken my cues in parenting from my DH and not from other women. He and I, met in graduate school, and we both worked in careers that required us to think and analyze. He is an amazing dad and husband, but he had NO GUILT to outsource chores and throw money for convenience. When we decided that I will become a SAHM, he was worried about my mental state. He and I, built-in all the breaks possible for me, so that I could be a less resentful and mainly happy SAHM and wife.

I can say, I am very happy with my life and all the time I have spent with my kids. All that is possible because I had relatives who helped, DH who helped, I could sleep in on weekends, I had domestic help, I was secure. It mitigated the erasure of a professional identity and getting out of touch with many of my friends from a previous life.

Motherhood is never easy for the mothers. Is it a scam? No. But, it requires you to smash your sense of self as it existed before having a child and rebuild something new in which the child becomes central. It does not matter if you are a SAHM or WOHM. You are forever changed in ways that you could not have comprehended before being a parent. It is not a scam in the sense that it is also very joyful and fulfilling. But, it is absolutely not easy and it does a number on you as an individual. There is also not one single prescription to have a balanced life in motherhood that works for everyone. Because your health, your baggage, your child, your marriage, your job... in short your whole existence is unique and dynamic. All I can say is that mothers try their best and mostly put themselves last.

That's great, but depends on a partner who is like yours. Most DHs are not like yours. My DH definitely contributes to the dynamic where I come last. Even when I'm actively working to change that dynamic, he fights me on doing his fair share, and he fights me on outsourcing, and he fights me on taking time to myself. All while claiming he cares about my mental health and wants an equal partnership.

I wish my DH was more like yours. He's not, and never will be, and there are no social consequences for it. In fact, I think he's a lot more typical than yours.

Mine too. If I ask him to do something I’m nagging and if I say I'm outsourcing I’m a wasteful spender. Conveniently for him all that’s left is me doing everything.

Yup, this is why the author in the interview talks about motherhood feeling like a scheme devised by men. If you stay at home, you're lazy and a grifter. If you work, you better still be able to do everything else or you're a bad mom.

Most people we know outsource but DH always says he feels like we can't afford it. Then I talk about getting a slightly less flexible but higher paying job, and he panics and claims our family can't handle it.

I feel like this entire system hinges on me doing a lot of unpaid labor for everyone in my life, but if I go out for drinks with a friend to just try and feel like an independent human being with a social life for once, everyone's like "haha wine moms for life, amiright?" It's all so freaking demeaning.

Yeah, I don't get any of this. I don't feel a part of "this entire system." And, unpaid labor? What? We all pitch in to keep things running. Sometimes I do more, sometimes I do less but mostly I do the things I want to do and my DH will pick up the things that I really don't want to do - like dishes and mopping. I hate dishes and mopping. Is this whole convo about things like dishes and mopping?

So you feel like your DH does his fair share. Our DH's don't. What's your confusion?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think that the author is on to something. The martyrdom model of motherhood has become the ideal female POV of parenthood. Unfortunately, it is compounded by the fact that other domestic duties and mental burden also falls on women. And corporate policies often frown upon mothers.

On top of that, the pandemic clearly showed us that schools are not doing a great job of educating our children and if we do not parent our children then there are others in real and virtual life who will prey on them.

Biologically, mothers have been programmed to be the primary caregiver to a large extent. But, in the modern world, we cannot put more burden on mothers than is already there biologically and not expect that that they either switch off or are resentful.

I have taken my cues in parenting from my DH and not from other women. He and I, met in graduate school, and we both worked in careers that required us to think and analyze. He is an amazing dad and husband, but he had NO GUILT to outsource chores and throw money for convenience. When we decided that I will become a SAHM, he was worried about my mental state. He and I, built-in all the breaks possible for me, so that I could be a less resentful and mainly happy SAHM and wife.

I can say, I am very happy with my life and all the time I have spent with my kids. All that is possible because I had relatives who helped, DH who helped, I could sleep in on weekends, I had domestic help, I was secure. It mitigated the erasure of a professional identity and getting out of touch with many of my friends from a previous life.

Motherhood is never easy for the mothers. Is it a scam? No. But, it requires you to smash your sense of self as it existed before having a child and rebuild something new in which the child becomes central. It does not matter if you are a SAHM or WOHM. You are forever changed in ways that you could not have comprehended before being a parent. It is not a scam in the sense that it is also very joyful and fulfilling. But, it is absolutely not easy and it does a number on you as an individual. There is also not one single prescription to have a balanced life in motherhood that works for everyone. Because your health, your baggage, your child, your marriage, your job... in short your whole existence is unique and dynamic. All I can say is that mothers try their best and mostly put themselves last.

That's great, but depends on a partner who is like yours. Most DHs are not like yours. My DH definitely contributes to the dynamic where I come last. Even when I'm actively working to change that dynamic, he fights me on doing his fair share, and he fights me on outsourcing, and he fights me on taking time to myself. All while claiming he cares about my mental health and wants an equal partnership.

I wish my DH was more like yours. He's not, and never will be, and there are no social consequences for it. In fact, I think he's a lot more typical than yours.

Mine too. If I ask him to do something I’m nagging and if I say I'm outsourcing I’m a wasteful spender. Conveniently for him all that’s left is me doing everything.

Yup, this is why the author in the interview talks about motherhood feeling like a scheme devised by men. If you stay at home, you're lazy and a grifter. If you work, you better still be able to do everything else or you're a bad mom.

Most people we know outsource but DH always says he feels like we can't afford it. Then I talk about getting a slightly less flexible but higher paying job, and he panics and claims our family can't handle it.

I feel like this entire system hinges on me doing a lot of unpaid labor for everyone in my life, but if I go out for drinks with a friend to just try and feel like an independent human being with a social life for once, everyone's like "haha wine moms for life, amiright?" It's all so freaking demeaning.

Yeah, I don't get any of this. I don't feel a part of "this entire system." And, unpaid labor? What? We all pitch in to keep things running. Sometimes I do more, sometimes I do less but mostly I do the things I want to do and my DH will pick up the things that I really don't want to do - like dishes and mopping. I hate dishes and mopping. Is this whole convo about things like dishes and mopping?

So you feel like your DH does his fair share. Our DH's don't. What's your confusion?

Because the whole “motherhood is a scam” and associated societal construct is argued to be larger than chore wars between a wife and her husband.

I don’t doubt that the husbands here are as lame and lazy as described.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think that the author is on to something. The martyrdom model of motherhood has become the ideal female POV of parenthood. Unfortunately, it is compounded by the fact that other domestic duties and mental burden also falls on women. And corporate policies often frown upon mothers.

On top of that, the pandemic clearly showed us that schools are not doing a great job of educating our children and if we do not parent our children then there are others in real and virtual life who will prey on them.

Biologically, mothers have been programmed to be the primary caregiver to a large extent. But, in the modern world, we cannot put more burden on mothers than is already there biologically and not expect that that they either switch off or are resentful.

I have taken my cues in parenting from my DH and not from other women. He and I, met in graduate school, and we both worked in careers that required us to think and analyze. He is an amazing dad and husband, but he had NO GUILT to outsource chores and throw money for convenience. When we decided that I will become a SAHM, he was worried about my mental state. He and I, built-in all the breaks possible for me, so that I could be a less resentful and mainly happy SAHM and wife.

I can say, I am very happy with my life and all the time I have spent with my kids. All that is possible because I had relatives who helped, DH who helped, I could sleep in on weekends, I had domestic help, I was secure. It mitigated the erasure of a professional identity and getting out of touch with many of my friends from a previous life.

Motherhood is never easy for the mothers. Is it a scam? No. But, it requires you to smash your sense of self as it existed before having a child and rebuild something new in which the child becomes central. It does not matter if you are a SAHM or WOHM. You are forever changed in ways that you could not have comprehended before being a parent. It is not a scam in the sense that it is also very joyful and fulfilling. But, it is absolutely not easy and it does a number on you as an individual. There is also not one single prescription to have a balanced life in motherhood that works for everyone. Because your health, your baggage, your child, your marriage, your job... in short your whole existence is unique and dynamic. All I can say is that mothers try their best and mostly put themselves last.

That's great, but depends on a partner who is like yours. Most DHs are not like yours. My DH definitely contributes to the dynamic where I come last. Even when I'm actively working to change that dynamic, he fights me on doing his fair share, and he fights me on outsourcing, and he fights me on taking time to myself. All while claiming he cares about my mental health and wants an equal partnership.

I wish my DH was more like yours. He's not, and never will be, and there are no social consequences for it. In fact, I think he's a lot more typical than yours.

Mine too. If I ask him to do something I’m nagging and if I say I'm outsourcing I’m a wasteful spender. Conveniently for him all that’s left is me doing everything.

Yup. And if I keep insisting on defending myself, I am nagging and being negative and dragging everyone down. It’s either do everything, stew in resentment and see where that leads in silence, or harp on and be a harpy.
There’s no win.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have 3 kids (2,4, 7). I often feel touched out. Recently I flinched when my 7 year old tried to hold my hand and I realized how touched out I was. I’m still nursing the 24m old which I love, but I’m sure it’s a part of it. It’s just during wake up and sleep. That part is the best part of our days. The rest of the time when she won’t let other people hold her, help her get or talk to her sucks. The other two are all over me too. Like I still can’t pee in private.

The weird part is that Dh never understands. He’s a great dad and very hands on, but they don’t want to snuggle him nonstop or nurse him.

This just sounds like a lot of choices. Having 3 kids, nursing one for 2 yrs, etc.

[Anonymous]

https://youtu.be/RX95jSQqV-Y



Marriage and children didn’t happen for me - something I lamented for a long time and still sometimes feel grief about, but more and more I am accepting that it was a choice I made, to run from every serious settling down opportunity that came up for me and there were more than a few.

My parents had the traditional division of labor, which I sadly see in many of the marriages of my peers and family members decades later. Things haven’t really changed much except that so many women work out of the home now so the brutality of the second shift is very widespread.

I love kids and will always grieve not having my own.

But I don’t for one second regret the thousands of days I’ve had over the years to do just as I like when and how I please. The thousands of books I read and all the quirky films I chose and watched. The weeks I didn’t do any laundry and the nights I had popcorn for dinner with nobody to complain. And all the endless quiet hours of solitude and contemplation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think that the author is on to something. The martyrdom model of motherhood has become the ideal female POV of parenthood. Unfortunately, it is compounded by the fact that other domestic duties and mental burden also falls on women. And corporate policies often frown upon mothers.

On top of that, the pandemic clearly showed us that schools are not doing a great job of educating our children and if we do not parent our children then there are others in real and virtual life who will prey on them.

Biologically, mothers have been programmed to be the primary caregiver to a large extent. But, in the modern world, we cannot put more burden on mothers than is already there biologically and not expect that that they either switch off or are resentful.

I have taken my cues in parenting from my DH and not from other women. He and I, met in graduate school, and we both worked in careers that required us to think and analyze. He is an amazing dad and husband, but he had NO GUILT to outsource chores and throw money for convenience. When we decided that I will become a SAHM, he was worried about my mental state. He and I, built-in all the breaks possible for me, so that I could be a less resentful and mainly happy SAHM and wife.

I can say, I am very happy with my life and all the time I have spent with my kids. All that is possible because I had relatives who helped, DH who helped, I could sleep in on weekends, I had domestic help, I was secure. It mitigated the erasure of a professional identity and getting out of touch with many of my friends from a previous life.

Motherhood is never easy for the mothers. Is it a scam? No. But, it requires you to smash your sense of self as it existed before having a child and rebuild something new in which the child becomes central. It does not matter if you are a SAHM or WOHM. You are forever changed in ways that you could not have comprehended before being a parent. It is not a scam in the sense that it is also very joyful and fulfilling. But, it is absolutely not easy and it does a number on you as an individual. There is also not one single prescription to have a balanced life in motherhood that works for everyone. Because your health, your baggage, your child, your marriage, your job... in short your whole existence is unique and dynamic. All I can say is that mothers try their best and mostly put themselves last.

That's great, but depends on a partner who is like yours. Most DHs are not like yours. My DH definitely contributes to the dynamic where I come last. Even when I'm actively working to change that dynamic, he fights me on doing his fair share, and he fights me on outsourcing, and he fights me on taking time to myself. All while claiming he cares about my mental health and wants an equal partnership.

I wish my DH was more like yours. He's not, and never will be, and there are no social consequences for it. In fact, I think he's a lot more typical than yours.

Mine too. If I ask him to do something I’m nagging and if I say I'm outsourcing I’m a wasteful spender. Conveniently for him all that’s left is me doing everything.

Yup, this is why the author in the interview talks about motherhood feeling like a scheme devised by men. If you stay at home, you're lazy and a grifter. If you work, you better still be able to do everything else or you're a bad mom.

Most people we know outsource but DH always says he feels like we can't afford it. Then I talk about getting a slightly less flexible but higher paying job, and he panics and claims our family can't handle it.

I feel like this entire system hinges on me doing a lot of unpaid labor for everyone in my life, but if I go out for drinks with a friend to just try and feel like an independent human being with a social life for once, everyone's like "haha wine moms for life, amiright?" It's all so freaking demeaning.

Yeah, I don't get any of this. I don't feel a part of "this entire system." And, unpaid labor? What? We all pitch in to keep things running. Sometimes I do more, sometimes I do less but mostly I do the things I want to do and my DH will pick up the things that I really don't want to do - like dishes and mopping. I hate dishes and mopping. Is this whole convo about things like dishes and mopping?

So you feel like your DH does his fair share. Our DH's don't. What's your confusion?

Because the whole “motherhood is a scam” and associated societal construct is argued to be larger than chore wars between a wife and her husband.

I don’t doubt that the husbands here are as lame and lazy as described.

What you are missing is that society condones men who are "lame and lazy," as you put it, when it comes to housework and childcare. That's why so many men are like this -- there is no social condemnation for it, and in fact usually their wives get blamed for insufficiently motivating them, or for not just sucking it up, or for having too high standards, or any of the million reasons we come up with to blame a woman for a man's feeling.

You have a husband who helps. Congratulations. For you, this can just be about the "chore wars" or whatever. What you don't understand is that when you are in a marriage like this (and more women are in marriages like this than not -- you are an outlier) it's not so simple as just saying to your husband, "Look, this and this feel unequal -- can you help me with them so things can be more equal?" Instead, you get gaslit:

"What do you mean that's not unequal. I do the dishes all the time. I clean the shower all the time."

So you sit down and make note of when these things happen and who does them. You get fair play cards and prove, clearly, that you do these things far more than your DH. Then he says:

"Ok fine, but that's because it's more important to you. You just care so much more about a clean shower or having the dishes clean before bed. I am more relaxed about this stuff. Why should I have to clean to your exacting standards."

And the infuriating part? SOCIETY BACKS HIM UP. All he's doing is trying to get out of doing chores around the house. Like he's just transparently being lazy and rooting around for a good excuse that will get you to leave him alone, just like he used to when is parents told him to clean up his room. But the the rest of the society is like, "Well actually, it sounds like your DH does a lot around the house. Didn't he pick up the kids from school yesterday? Sure you do it every other day of the week, but back in the 70s men never did stuff like that. You're lucky! And he's right that your standards are too high. What's that, you want the kitchen clean by the end of the night because in the morning you wind up making breakfast and preparing lunches for the kids while your DH claims he's "checking email" and then takes a 30 minutes shower? That's your own fault for not planning ahead better. If you want him to help with the morning run, you need to be more specific about what he's supposed to do. What, you want him to read your mind? How is he supposed to know what the children he's lived with for the last 10 years need in order to get to school? You didn't tell him, that's on you."

Motherhood might night be a scam, but ^^^^^ definitely is.

[Anonymous]

Ummm… you don’t want your children to hug you or touch you? Doesn’t this seem a little odd? Way to make them feel unloved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ummm… you don’t want your children to hug you or touch you? Doesn’t this seem a little odd? Way to make them feel unloved.

Good work, you nailed it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ummm… you don’t want your children to hug you or touch you? Doesn’t this seem a little odd? Way to make them feel unloved.

Good work, you nailed it.

Correct. I did. If they weren’t touching you, you’d be on here saying that you weren’t loved as a parent

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have 3 kids (2,4, 7). I often feel touched out. Recently I flinched when my 7 year old tried to hold my hand and I realized how touched out I was. I’m still nursing the 24m old which I love, but I’m sure it’s a part of it. It’s just during wake up and sleep. That part is the best part of our days. The rest of the time when she won’t let other people hold her, help her get or talk to her sucks. The other two are all over me too. Like I still can’t pee in private.

The weird part is that Dh never understands. He’s a great dad and very hands on, but they don’t want to snuggle him nonstop or nurse him.

This just sounds like a lot of choices. Having 3 kids, nursing one for 2 yrs, etc.

NP. Kindly, did you read the article? You are actually proving the author’s point - ie this mother “asked for it”.

Of course PP made choices. Why can’t mothers feel some ambivalence about their choices? Are you trying to tell PP that because she “asked for it,” she is not entitled to have any negative emotions about motherhood?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ummm… you don’t want your children to hug you or touch you? Doesn’t this seem a little odd? Way to make them feel unloved.

Hahaha, if you haven’t felt, at least once, the urge to tell your kids to leave you the f alone, are you even a mother?!?

I think you also are proving the author’s point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have 3 kids (2,4, 7). I often feel touched out. Recently I flinched when my 7 year old tried to hold my hand and I realized how touched out I was. I’m still nursing the 24m old which I love, but I’m sure it’s a part of it. It’s just during wake up and sleep. That part is the best part of our days. The rest of the time when she won’t let other people hold her, help her get or talk to her sucks. The other two are all over me too. Like I still can’t pee in private.

The weird part is that Dh never understands. He’s a great dad and very hands on, but they don’t want to snuggle him nonstop or nurse him.

This just sounds like a lot of choices. Having 3 kids, nursing one for 2 yrs, etc.

NP. Kindly, did you read the article? You are actually proving the author’s point - ie this mother “asked for it”.

Of course PP made choices. Why can’t mothers feel some ambivalence about their choices? Are you trying to tell PP that because she “asked for it,” she is not entitled to have any negative emotions about motherhood?

DP. I can maybe understand 2 kids. But choosing to have kids 3x and then complaining is ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think that the author is on to something. The martyrdom model of motherhood has become the ideal female POV of parenthood. Unfortunately, it is compounded by the fact that other domestic duties and mental burden also falls on women. And corporate policies often frown upon mothers.

On top of that, the pandemic clearly showed us that schools are not doing a great job of educating our children and if we do not parent our children then there are others in real and virtual life who will prey on them.

Biologically, mothers have been programmed to be the primary caregiver to a large extent. But, in the modern world, we cannot put more burden on mothers than is already there biologically and not expect that that they either switch off or are resentful.

I have taken my cues in parenting from my DH and not from other women. He and I, met in graduate school, and we both worked in careers that required us to think and analyze. He is an amazing dad and husband, but he had NO GUILT to outsource chores and throw money for convenience. When we decided that I will become a SAHM, he was worried about my mental state. He and I, built-in all the breaks possible for me, so that I could be a less resentful and mainly happy SAHM and wife.

I can say, I am very happy with my life and all the time I have spent with my kids. All that is possible because I had relatives who helped, DH who helped, I could sleep in on weekends, I had domestic help, I was secure. It mitigated the erasure of a professional identity and getting out of touch with many of my friends from a previous life.

Motherhood is never easy for the mothers. Is it a scam? No. But, it requires you to smash your sense of self as it existed before having a child and rebuild something new in which the child becomes central. It does not matter if you are a SAHM or WOHM. You are forever changed in ways that you could not have comprehended before being a parent. It is not a scam in the sense that it is also very joyful and fulfilling. But, it is absolutely not easy and it does a number on you as an individual. There is also not one single prescription to have a balanced life in motherhood that works for everyone. Because your health, your baggage, your child, your marriage, your job... in short your whole existence is unique and dynamic. All I can say is that mothers try their best and mostly put themselves last.

That's great, but depends on a partner who is like yours. Most DHs are not like yours. My DH definitely contributes to the dynamic where I come last. Even when I'm actively working to change that dynamic, he fights me on doing his fair share, and he fights me on outsourcing, and he fights me on taking time to myself. All while claiming he cares about my mental health and wants an equal partnership.

I wish my DH was more like yours. He's not, and never will be, and there are no social consequences for it. In fact, I think he's a lot more typical than yours.

Mine too. If I ask him to do something I’m nagging and if I say I'm outsourcing I’m a wasteful spender. Conveniently for him all that’s left is me doing everything.

Yup, this is why the author in the interview talks about motherhood feeling like a scheme devised by men. If you stay at home, you're lazy and a grifter. If you work, you better still be able to do everything else or you're a bad mom.

Most people we know outsource but DH always says he feels like we can't afford it. Then I talk about getting a slightly less flexible but higher paying job, and he panics and claims our family can't handle it.

I feel like this entire system hinges on me doing a lot of unpaid labor for everyone in my life, but if I go out for drinks with a friend to just try and feel like an independent human being with a social life for once, everyone's like "haha wine moms for life, amiright?" It's all so freaking demeaning.

Yeah, I don't get any of this. I don't feel a part of "this entire system." And, unpaid labor? What? We all pitch in to keep things running. Sometimes I do more, sometimes I do less but mostly I do the things I want to do and my DH will pick up the things that I really don't want to do - like dishes and mopping. I hate dishes and mopping. Is this whole convo about things like dishes and mopping?

So you feel like your DH does his fair share. Our DH's don't. What's your confusion?

Because the whole “motherhood is a scam” and associated societal construct is argued to be larger than chore wars between a wife and her husband.

I don’t doubt that the husbands here are as lame and lazy as described.

What you are missing is that society condones men who are "lame and lazy," as you put it, when it comes to housework and childcare. That's why so many men are like this -- there is no social condemnation for it, and in fact usually their wives get blamed for insufficiently motivating them, or for not just sucking it up, or for having too high standards, or any of the million reasons we come up with to blame a woman for a man's feeling.

You have a husband who helps. Congratulations. For you, this can just be about the "chore wars" or whatever. What you don't understand is that when you are in a marriage like this (and more women are in marriages like this than not -- you are an outlier) it's not so simple as just saying to your husband, "Look, this and this feel unequal -- can you help me with them so things can be more equal?" Instead, you get gaslit:

"What do you mean that's not unequal. I do the dishes all the time. I clean the shower all the time."

So you sit down and make note of when these things happen and who does them. You get fair play cards and prove, clearly, that you do these things far more than your DH. Then he says:

"Ok fine, but that's because it's more important to you. You just care so much more about a clean shower or having the dishes clean before bed. I am more relaxed about this stuff. Why should I have to clean to your exacting standards."

And the infuriating part? SOCIETY BACKS HIM UP. All he's doing is trying to get out of doing chores around the house. Like he's just transparently being lazy and rooting around for a good excuse that will get you to leave him alone, just like he used to when is parents told him to clean up his room. But the the rest of the society is like, "Well actually, it sounds like your DH does a lot around the house. Didn't he pick up the kids from school yesterday? Sure you do it every other day of the week, but back in the 70s men never did stuff like that. You're lucky! And he's right that your standards are too high. What's that, you want the kitchen clean by the end of the night because in the morning you wind up making breakfast and preparing lunches for the kids while your DH claims he's "checking email" and then takes a 30 minutes shower? That's your own fault for not planning ahead better. If you want him to help with the morning run, you need to be more specific about what he's supposed to do. What, you want him to read your mind? How is he supposed to know what the children he's lived with for the last 10 years need in order to get to school? You didn't tell him, that's on you."

Motherhood might night be a scam, but ^^^^^ definitely is.

From your post it’s obvious why your husband isn’t an equal partner. No, he’s not evil.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ummm… you don’t want your children to hug you or touch you? Doesn’t this seem a little odd? Way to make them feel unloved.

Good work, you nailed it.

Have any of you guys actually read this book? Being touched out is only part of it. What she saying is it in a country with no social safety net, women are the social safety net. We get taken out of the game when we are still getting warmed up. Less than ten years in the work force and then we get mommybtracked. And then, when we find our way back to the world of adults and employment as empty nesters, we find out that we are also the social safety net for our aging parents and often our husbands too. Because society has designed it that way. Women take early retirement to do that care work at an astounding rate.

For me, the most telling passage in the entire book is this description that she gives of her baby shower for her first child. She talks about how because they’re very modern There are men at the baby shower, and the men all kind of do this number where they roll their eyes and they say yes, the things that you do it’s incredible, I could never do this. And she says they’re referring to giving birth in pain and suffering which doesn’t actually occur because it has to but rather because the medical system kind of doesn’t care about women’s pain and suffering. And the men rolling Their eyes are in essence, accepting that the pain and suffering is normal rather than thinking about how we might change it. It’s the same way that men roll their eyes and say I don’t know how she does it when they know that their wife is doing all the work and they’re slacking.

she says this whole construct about how women are superwomen is basically so other people don’t feel guilty about making them do all the work. I feel that!! So much!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ummm… you don’t want your children to hug you or touch you? Doesn’t this seem a little odd? Way to make them feel unloved.

Good work, you nailed it.

Have any of you guys actually read this book? Being touched out is only part of it. What she saying is it in a country with no social safety net, women are the social safety net. We get taken out of the game when we are still getting warmed up. Less than ten years in the work force and then we get mommybtracked. And then, when we find our way back to the world of adults and employment as empty nesters, we find out that we are also the social safety net for our aging parents and often our husbands too. Because society has designed it that way. Women take early retirement to do that care work at an astounding rate.

For me, the most telling passage in the entire book is this description that she gives of her baby shower for her first child. She talks about how because they’re very modern There are men at the baby shower, and the men all kind of do this number where they roll their eyes and they say yes, the things that you do it’s incredible, I could never do this. And she says they’re referring to giving birth in pain and suffering which doesn’t actually occur because it has to but rather because the medical system kind of doesn’t care about women’s pain and suffering. And the men rolling Their eyes are in essence, accepting that the pain and suffering is normal rather than thinking about how we might change it. It’s the same way that men roll their eyes and say I don’t know how she does it when they know that their wife is doing all the work and they’re slacking.

she says this whole construct about how women are superwomen is basically so other people don’t feel guilty about making them do all the work. I feel that!! So much!!

I haven't read it but real question - is th bolded about someone being denied an epidural or choosing not to get one?