Touched Out: Is Motherhood a Scam?

[Anonymous]

There is a new book out called Touched Out by Amanda Montei. I haven't read it yet but just read this interview with Montei in Anne Helen Petersen's substack newsletter and I am very interested: https://annehelen.substack.com/p/american-motherhood-felt-like-that

Some things that resonated:

- I only very rarely get touched out to the point where I don't want my child to touch me anymore. But sometimes I hit a point where the kids of comfort she wants is annoying to me. However where I really identify is when Montei talks about that feeling of just wanting SPACE to think or be alone. I sometimes feel like between my child and my husband, I very rarely have the opportunity to complete entire thoughts. I feel like my thinking gets disrupted and redirected constantly, by people who need me to think about their needs. I'm a really cerebral person who lives in my head, so this has been pretty upsetting for me. I used to read books a lot and I've found it very hard to sustain interest in them now, and it takes me forever to finish them, because it's just hard for me to sustain focus on something other than my family for that long.

- I really related to the idea of self-blaming when you are struggling with aspects of motherhood, and feeling like "well I wanted this." And also the explicit response of people when women speak up and say some aspect of motherhood is unfairly burdensome or could be made better, like "well it's a choice." I absolutely did ask for motherhood but like a lot of moms, I didn't realize I was signing up for a lot of other stuff that absolutely sucks, and I was really not ready for the degree to which I would not be able to fight certain forces of motherhood to "do it my way" which I think is something a lot of us convinced ourselves when we chose to have kids -- oh I won't give in to that BS that drives all the women I know crazy, I'll do it my way. Motherhood is cultural and sometimes the consequences for deviating from the script are too steep, especially for our kids.

Anyway, curious what others think of this interview, or if anyone has read the book, if they have anything to add. More broadly, do you think motherhood [in the US, in 2023, specifically] is a scam?

[Anonymous]

Motherhood is a scam—100%. WEIRD nations have turned it in one of the many flavors of consumer culture.

Human beings did not evolve in nuclear families where parents are expected to entertain their kids all day or enroll them in expensive activities. This is a creation of neoliberal ideology.

Paris Paloma’s song Labour sums it up:

All day, every day
Therapist, mother, maid…..

I take a lot of walks. And I love my kids. But they need to learn to entertain themselves. I am not their personal assistant.

Can’t wait to read! I’m #3 on the holds list. And now I’m going to get off the internet (stewing is also not helpful) and go read a book!

[Anonymous]

Of course it's not a scam. Yes, I made a decision with DH to have kids, but I didn't know that my youngest DD would want physical contact with me from 5:30-7pm every evening and that she shows her love by touching. She literally wanted to hold hands while we/she ate dinner. It wasn't enough for her to sit in my lap. It wasn't enough for her to sit in my lap and hold hands. She also wanted sustained eye contact for that hour and a half. THAT was the time of day she needed to connect with me, and THAT was the way she needed to connect with me. I was miserable. Had no idea that would be a two-year phase of mothering.

[Anonymous]

My kids are now in college and middle school.

I love being hugged by my kids. The greatest joy of my life is to be a mother. I have rarely needed space they couldn't give me. When they used to visit me in the bathroom as toddlers, it was fine. They learned to entertain themselves early, but I loved to read to them and do all the voices and theatrics.

There is a wide range of normal parental emotions, OP. Whatever you feel is OK, and you can be the parent you want to be, as far as your children and your wallet are able to adjust.

Also, most parenting (and indeed, all "self-help") books are crap you already knew. Best to borrow, not buy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Of course it's not a scam. Yes, I made a decision with DH to have kids, but I didn't know that my youngest DD would want physical contact with me from 5:30-7pm every evening and that she shows her love by touching. She literally wanted to hold hands while we/she ate dinner. It wasn't enough for her to sit in my lap. It wasn't enough for her to sit in my lap and hold hands. She also wanted sustained eye contact for that hour and a half. THAT was the time of day she needed to connect with me, and THAT was the way she needed to connect with me. I was miserable. Had no idea that would be a two-year phase of mothering.

Lol my 3 yr old also wants to hold hands during meals. I sit next to her and she insists “sit closer mama!” She likes to reach out and pat me while eating it’s very sweet till I need space.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kids are now in college and middle school.

I love being hugged by my kids. The greatest joy of my life is to be a mother. I have rarely needed space they couldn't give me. When they used to visit me in the bathroom as toddlers, it was fine. They learned to entertain themselves early, but I loved to read to them and do all the voices and theatrics.

There is a wide range of normal parental emotions, OP. Whatever you feel is OK, and you can be the parent you want to be, as far as your children and your wallet are able to adjust.

Also, most parenting (and indeed, all "self-help") books are crap you already knew. Best to borrow, not buy.

Whoosh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids are now in college and middle school.

I love being hugged by my kids. The greatest joy of my life is to be a mother. I have rarely needed space they couldn't give me. When they used to visit me in the bathroom as toddlers, it was fine. They learned to entertain themselves early, but I loved to read to them and do all the voices and theatrics.

There is a wide range of normal parental emotions, OP. Whatever you feel is OK, and you can be the parent you want to be, as far as your children and your wallet are able to adjust.

Also, most parenting (and indeed, all "self-help") books are crap you already knew. Best to borrow, not buy.

Whoosh.

The point is that mothers shouldn't feel guilty for their feelings and instead they should parent they way they want to, not the way they believe they're supposed to (with bounds of safety and reason). We're all different. Of course our parenting styles are going to be all different. Some of us love that closeness with our kids, and do our own thing and don't feel guilty for a single second because we're confident in our parenting. OP feels differently, and she needs to forgive herself and be happy with the development of her own parenting.

So whoosh to you, silly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids are now in college and middle school.

I love being hugged by my kids. The greatest joy of my life is to be a mother. I have rarely needed space they couldn't give me. When they used to visit me in the bathroom as toddlers, it was fine. They learned to entertain themselves early, but I loved to read to them and do all the voices and theatrics.

There is a wide range of normal parental emotions, OP. Whatever you feel is OK, and you can be the parent you want to be, as far as your children and your wallet are able to adjust.

Also, most parenting (and indeed, all "self-help") books are crap you already knew. Best to borrow, not buy.

Whoosh.

The point is that mothers shouldn't feel guilty for their feelings and instead they should parent they way they want to, not the way they believe they're supposed to (with bounds of safety and reason). We're all different. Of course our parenting styles are going to be all different. Some of us love that closeness with our kids, and do our own thing and don't feel guilty for a single second because we're confident in our parenting. OP feels differently, and she needs to forgive herself and be happy with the development of her own parenting.

So whoosh to you, silly.

You didn't read the link, and it shows. "Silly"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids are now in college and middle school.

I love being hugged by my kids. The greatest joy of my life is to be a mother. I have rarely needed space they couldn't give me. When they used to visit me in the bathroom as toddlers, it was fine. They learned to entertain themselves early, but I loved to read to them and do all the voices and theatrics.

There is a wide range of normal parental emotions, OP. Whatever you feel is OK, and you can be the parent you want to be, as far as your children and your wallet are able to adjust.

Also, most parenting (and indeed, all "self-help") books are crap you already knew. Best to borrow, not buy.

Whoosh.

The point is that mothers shouldn't feel guilty for their feelings and instead they should parent they way they want to, not the way they believe they're supposed to (with bounds of safety and reason). We're all different. Of course our parenting styles are going to be all different. Some of us love that closeness with our kids, and do our own thing and don't feel guilty for a single second because we're confident in our parenting. OP feels differently, and she needs to forgive herself and be happy with the development of her own parenting.

So whoosh to you, silly.

You didn't read the link, and it shows. "Silly"

Dear Lord. We're not addressing the book because it's crap, the article is crap, and this should be obvious to you.

Are you the author? Just stop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids are now in college and middle school.

I love being hugged by my kids. The greatest joy of my life is to be a mother. I have rarely needed space they couldn't give me. When they used to visit me in the bathroom as toddlers, it was fine. They learned to entertain themselves early, but I loved to read to them and do all the voices and theatrics.

There is a wide range of normal parental emotions, OP. Whatever you feel is OK, and you can be the parent you want to be, as far as your children and your wallet are able to adjust.

Also, most parenting (and indeed, all "self-help") books are crap you already knew. Best to borrow, not buy.

Whoosh.

The point is that mothers shouldn't feel guilty for their feelings and instead they should parent they way they want to, not the way they believe they're supposed to (with bounds of safety and reason). We're all different. Of course our parenting styles are going to be all different. Some of us love that closeness with our kids, and do our own thing and don't feel guilty for a single second because we're confident in our parenting. OP feels differently, and she needs to forgive herself and be happy with the development of her own parenting.

So whoosh to you, silly.

You didn't read the link, and it shows. "Silly"

Dear Lord. We're not addressing the book because it's crap, the article is crap, and this should be obvious to you.

Are you the author? Just stop.

This is OP and I am not the author -- I found the interview really interring and have liked a lot of AHP's book recommendations in the past. I thought it would be nice to have a conversation on a parenting website about the ideas in the interview.

If you aren't interested in it, that's fine. But you clicked on this thread, did NOT read the linked interview, then said a bunch of stuff that wasn't really on topic and not really relevant, including trying to advise me on how to feel about my own motherhood experience.

Please stop hijacking the thread. If you aren't interested in the book, you can just not participate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids are now in college and middle school.

I love being hugged by my kids. The greatest joy of my life is to be a mother. I have rarely needed space they couldn't give me. When they used to visit me in the bathroom as toddlers, it was fine. They learned to entertain themselves early, but I loved to read to them and do all the voices and theatrics.

There is a wide range of normal parental emotions, OP. Whatever you feel is OK, and you can be the parent you want to be, as far as your children and your wallet are able to adjust.

Also, most parenting (and indeed, all "self-help") books are crap you already knew. Best to borrow, not buy.

Whoosh.

The point is that mothers shouldn't feel guilty for their feelings and instead they should parent they way they want to, not the way they believe they're supposed to (with bounds of safety and reason). We're all different. Of course our parenting styles are going to be all different. Some of us love that closeness with our kids, and do our own thing and don't feel guilty for a single second because we're confident in our parenting. OP feels differently, and she needs to forgive herself and be happy with the development of her own parenting.

So whoosh to you, silly.

You didn't read the link, and it shows. "Silly"

Dear Lord. We're not addressing the book because it's crap, the article is crap, and this should be obvious to you.

Are you the author? Just stop.

This is OP and I am not the author -- I found the interview really interring and have liked a lot of AHP's book recommendations in the past. I thought it would be nice to have a conversation on a parenting website about the ideas in the interview.

If you aren't interested in it, that's fine. But you clicked on this thread, did NOT read the linked interview, then said a bunch of stuff that wasn't really on topic and not really relevant, including trying to advise me on how to feel about my own motherhood experience.

Please stop hijacking the thread. If you aren't interested in the book, you can just not participate.

You're not used to DCUM, are you? The article is just a push to sell the book, and like most parenting articles and books, seeks to capitalize on your insecurities as a parent. The author adds in a whole lot of buzzwords about topics that are currently trending with the target buyer group, and voila. Revenue.

Motherhood isn't a scam. Please don't be so offensively dumb as to think that eons of evolutionary pressure that created sexual reproduction is a figment of the patriarchy's imagination. That would imply you're buying into a certain view of motherhood, which nobody asked you to do, and that you don't have to do.

The article (and probably the book, which I haven't read) are scams.

It's astounding you can't actually grasp this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids are now in college and middle school.

I love being hugged by my kids. The greatest joy of my life is to be a mother. I have rarely needed space they couldn't give me. When they used to visit me in the bathroom as toddlers, it was fine. They learned to entertain themselves early, but I loved to read to them and do all the voices and theatrics.

There is a wide range of normal parental emotions, OP. Whatever you feel is OK, and you can be the parent you want to be, as far as your children and your wallet are able to adjust.

Also, most parenting (and indeed, all "self-help") books are crap you already knew. Best to borrow, not buy.

Whoosh.

The point is that mothers shouldn't feel guilty for their feelings and instead they should parent they way they want to, not the way they believe they're supposed to (with bounds of safety and reason). We're all different. Of course our parenting styles are going to be all different. Some of us love that closeness with our kids, and do our own thing and don't feel guilty for a single second because we're confident in our parenting. OP feels differently, and she needs to forgive herself and be happy with the development of her own parenting.

So whoosh to you, silly.

You didn't read the link, and it shows. "Silly"

Dear Lord. We're not addressing the book because it's crap, the article is crap, and this should be obvious to you.

Are you the author? Just stop.

This is OP and I am not the author -- I found the interview really interring and have liked a lot of AHP's book recommendations in the past. I thought it would be nice to have a conversation on a parenting website about the ideas in the interview.

If you aren't interested in it, that's fine. But you clicked on this thread, did NOT read the linked interview, then said a bunch of stuff that wasn't really on topic and not really relevant, including trying to advise me on how to feel about my own motherhood experience.

Please stop hijacking the thread. If you aren't interested in the book, you can just not participate.

You're not used to DCUM, are you? The article is just a push to sell the book, and like most parenting articles and books, seeks to capitalize on your insecurities as a parent. The author adds in a whole lot of buzzwords about topics that are currently trending with the target buyer group, and voila. Revenue.

Motherhood isn't a scam. Please don't be so offensively dumb as to think that eons of evolutionary pressure that created sexual reproduction is a figment of the patriarchy's imagination. That would imply you're buying into a certain view of motherhood, which nobody asked you to do, and that you don't have to do.

The article (and probably the book, which I haven't read) are scams.

It's astounding you can't actually grasp this.

Not OP, haven't heard of this book until now...I also don't think motherhood is a "scam"...but this reaction is extemely disproportionate and unhinged.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids are now in college and middle school.

I love being hugged by my kids. The greatest joy of my life is to be a mother. I have rarely needed space they couldn't give me. When they used to visit me in the bathroom as toddlers, it was fine. They learned to entertain themselves early, but I loved to read to them and do all the voices and theatrics.

There is a wide range of normal parental emotions, OP. Whatever you feel is OK, and you can be the parent you want to be, as far as your children and your wallet are able to adjust.

Also, most parenting (and indeed, all "self-help") books are crap you already knew. Best to borrow, not buy.

Whoosh.

The point is that mothers shouldn't feel guilty for their feelings and instead they should parent they way they want to, not the way they believe they're supposed to (with bounds of safety and reason). We're all different. Of course our parenting styles are going to be all different. Some of us love that closeness with our kids, and do our own thing and don't feel guilty for a single second because we're confident in our parenting. OP feels differently, and she needs to forgive herself and be happy with the development of her own parenting.

So whoosh to you, silly.

You didn't read the link, and it shows. "Silly"

Dear Lord. We're not addressing the book because it's crap, the article is crap, and this should be obvious to you.

Are you the author? Just stop.

This is OP and I am not the author -- I found the interview really interring and have liked a lot of AHP's book recommendations in the past. I thought it would be nice to have a conversation on a parenting website about the ideas in the interview.

If you aren't interested in it, that's fine. But you clicked on this thread, did NOT read the linked interview, then said a bunch of stuff that wasn't really on topic and not really relevant, including trying to advise me on how to feel about my own motherhood experience.

Please stop hijacking the thread. If you aren't interested in the book, you can just not participate.

You're not used to DCUM, are you? The article is just a push to sell the book, and like most parenting articles and books, seeks to capitalize on your insecurities as a parent. The author adds in a whole lot of buzzwords about topics that are currently trending with the target buyer group, and voila. Revenue.

Motherhood isn't a scam. Please don't be so offensively dumb as to think that eons of evolutionary pressure that created sexual reproduction is a figment of the patriarchy's imagination. That would imply you're buying into a certain view of motherhood, which nobody asked you to do, and that you don't have to do.

The article (and probably the book, which I haven't read) are scams.

It's astounding you can't actually grasp this.

Not OP, haven't heard of this book until now...I also don't think motherhood is a "scam"...but this reaction is extemely disproportionate and unhinged.

OP here and thank you. Also, if this PP actually READ THE LINK, she'd understand that the question of whether motherhood is a "scam" is being said somewhat esoterically, like "to what degree does the way modern motherhood is set up work against women getting satisfaction out of it or other aspects of their lives." It's not like literally motherhood is a scam like a pop up ad claiming you need to give them $500 to protect your computer or all your data is compromised.

This is a very classic case of not bothering to click the link or read the article, then pontificating off topic, and then getting angry and defensive when people are like "no, that's not what we're talking about."

Anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids are now in college and middle school.

I love being hugged by my kids. The greatest joy of my life is to be a mother. I have rarely needed space they couldn't give me. When they used to visit me in the bathroom as toddlers, it was fine. They learned to entertain themselves early, but I loved to read to them and do all the voices and theatrics.

There is a wide range of normal parental emotions, OP. Whatever you feel is OK, and you can be the parent you want to be, as far as your children and your wallet are able to adjust.

Also, most parenting (and indeed, all "self-help") books are crap you already knew. Best to borrow, not buy.

Whoosh.

The point is that mothers shouldn't feel guilty for their feelings and instead they should parent they way they want to, not the way they believe they're supposed to (with bounds of safety and reason). We're all different. Of course our parenting styles are going to be all different. Some of us love that closeness with our kids, and do our own thing and don't feel guilty for a single second because we're confident in our parenting. OP feels differently, and she needs to forgive herself and be happy with the development of her own parenting.

So whoosh to you, silly.

You didn't read the link, and it shows. "Silly"

Dear Lord. We're not addressing the book because it's crap, the article is crap, and this should be obvious to you.

Are you the author? Just stop.

This is OP and I am not the author -- I found the interview really interring and have liked a lot of AHP's book recommendations in the past. I thought it would be nice to have a conversation on a parenting website about the ideas in the interview.

If you aren't interested in it, that's fine. But you clicked on this thread, did NOT read the linked interview, then said a bunch of stuff that wasn't really on topic and not really relevant, including trying to advise me on how to feel about my own motherhood experience.

Please stop hijacking the thread. If you aren't interested in the book, you can just not participate.

You're not used to DCUM, are you? The article is just a push to sell the book, and like most parenting articles and books, seeks to capitalize on your insecurities as a parent. The author adds in a whole lot of buzzwords about topics that are currently trending with the target buyer group, and voila. Revenue.

Motherhood isn't a scam. Please don't be so offensively dumb as to think that eons of evolutionary pressure that created sexual reproduction is a figment of the patriarchy's imagination. That would imply you're buying into a certain view of motherhood, which nobody asked you to do, and that you don't have to do.

The article (and probably the book, which I haven't read) are scams.

It's astounding you can't actually grasp this.

Not OP, haven't heard of this book until now...I also don't think motherhood is a "scam"...but this reaction is extemely disproportionate and unhinged.

PP you replied to. After 18 years of parenting, it's just sad to me that people like OP can click on and possibly buy, content like this.
Functional adults who are parents should know better.

And to reply to OP, sigh. If you can respond to my posts by parsing the definition of scam, we really can't have a conversation. The point is that you're wasting your valuable time looking at garbage content from people who just threw together trendy topics into a "controversial" piece (basically clickbait), when you could improve your mind in real ways.

This might seem overly harsh. But I've seen it too many times and sometimes it gets to me.

[Anonymous]

I read the article. A thought...

I'm an single mother by choice and while I have my moments of being "touched out," in a weird way it's kind of freeing to only "owe" my child my time and physicality. I think one of the "scams" is the notion that women are to give their whole physical and mental selves over to BOTH their child and their partner. To your point about head space OP, I have every evening and every naptime to be completely in my own head. And physcially speaking, after giving birth, there was no one expecting sex from me at a time when my entire body was literally given over to keeping my tiny human alive. Now that my child is in preschool, I'm starting to find I have the physical and mental space to date again and give parts of myself to another person - but I think that women are expected to do this like weeks after giving birth is its own scam.