Reply to Touched Out: Is Motherhood a Scam?

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Reply to "Touched Out: Is Motherhood a Scam?"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I think that the author is on to something.  The martyrdom model of motherhood has become the ideal female POV of parenthood. Unfortunately, it is compounded by the fact that other domestic duties and mental burden also falls on women.  And corporate policies often frown upon mothers.

On top of that, the pandemic clearly showed us that schools are not doing a great job of educating our children and if we do not parent our children then there are others in real and virtual life who will prey on them.

Biologically, mothers have been programmed to be the primary caregiver to a large extent.  But, in the modern world, we cannot put more burden on mothers than is already there biologically and not expect that that they either switch off or are resentful.

I have taken my cues in parenting from my DH and not from other women.  He and I, met in graduate school, and we both worked in careers that required us to think and analyze.  He is an amazing dad and husband, but he had NO GUILT to outsource chores and throw money for convenience.  When we decided that I will become a SAHM, he was worried about my mental state.  He and I, built-in all the breaks possible for me, so that I could be a less resentful and mainly happy SAHM and wife.

I can say, I am very happy with my life and all the time I have spent with my kids.  All that is possible because I had relatives who helped, DH who helped, I could sleep in on weekends, I had domestic help, I was secure.  It mitigated the erasure of a professional identity and getting out of touch with many of my friends from a previous life.

Motherhood is never easy for the mothers.  Is it a scam?  No. But, it requires you to smash your sense of self as it existed before having a child and rebuild something new in which the child becomes central.  It does not matter if you are a SAHM or WOHM.  You are forever changed in ways that you could not have comprehended before being a parent.  It is not a scam in the sense that it is also very joyful and fulfilling.  But, it is absolutely not easy and it does a number on you as an individual.  There is also not one single prescription to have a balanced life in motherhood that works for everyone.   Because your health, your baggage, your child, your marriage, your job... in short your whole existence is unique and dynamic.  All I can say is that mothers try their best and mostly put themselves last. 
 [/quote]

That's great, but depends on a partner who is like yours. Most DHs are not like yours. My DH definitely contributes to the dynamic where I come last. Even when I'm actively working to change that dynamic, he fights me on doing his fair share, and he fights me on outsourcing, and he fights me on taking time to myself. All while claiming he cares about my mental health and wants an equal partnership.

I wish my DH was more like yours. He's not, and never will be, and there are no social consequences for it. In fact, I think he's a lot more typical than yours.[/quote]

Mine too. If I ask him to do something I’m nagging and if I say I'm outsourcing I’m a wasteful spender. Conveniently for him all that’s left is me doing everything. [/quote]

Yup, this is why the author in the interview talks about motherhood feeling like a scheme devised by men. If you stay at home, you're lazy and a grifter. If you work, you better still be able to do everything else or you're a bad mom.

Most people we know outsource but DH always says he feels like we can't afford it. Then I talk about getting a slightly less flexible but higher paying job, and he panics and claims our family can't handle it.

I feel like this entire system hinges on me doing a lot of unpaid labor for everyone in my life, but if I go out for drinks with a friend to just try and feel like an independent human being with a social life for once, everyone's like "haha wine moms for life, amiright?" It's all so freaking demeaning.[/quote]

I think the comment about everything hanging on unpaid labor is spot on. [/quote]

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