Travelled to interview, not sure what to think of prospective boss

[Anonymous]

I think you should complain to HR. This guy is a total creep, and creeps thrive in academia because most academics are, at their core, cowards who would let anything slide as long as thry can get tenure.

As an outsider you can make a difference by documenting all the inappropriate stuff he said/did. Tenure cannot protect him if he is harassing and otherwise creating a hostile work environment, and the first step to getting rid of this dude is getting people to come forward and report. He is a liability to the uni, and they need to know that outsiders know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you are jumping to conclusions. He didn’t do anything to conclude he wants, “ More than a professional relationship.” This boss and job doesn’t sound compatible for you. His pulling back the potential offer because of you pushing back would be a deal breaker. I would let him know that I want to be taken out of the running. He sounds OVERWHELMING.

OP here. There were things that crossed the line.

Then why didn’t you include these in your original post? It’s not like you were concerned with brevity.

Because I was concerned that people would get some sick thrill out of hearing that. This has been distressing enough for me.
I’m thinking most people replying here are not women.

No, most people responding likely are women, and what you’ve described is a big nothingburger compared to what some of us have experienced.

Likely a lot of what you have experienced could have been prevented if other women had complained/brought it to others' attention. Its a problem...women are taught not to complain/cause trouble.

[Anonymous]

Since it’s practically a job for life and you are walking into an established group, the social aspects of the process are important. In short: lunch or dinner with potential colleagues is part of the interview process.

And flexibility and adaptability are key. Your rigid approach wasn’t strategic.

It’s not a good fit for you, and now you know.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like he’s a bad fit for you and that’s ok. Just decline the offer. If you feel like it, give him direct feedback and let him know on a call what did you dislike in the process and during your visit.
But you do sound like you’re too sensitive. I didn’t read anything clearly inappropriate. Maybe out of touch. He was very interested in having you on board, you didn’t like his style. That’s it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you should complain to HR. This guy is a total creep, and creeps thrive in academia because most academics are, at their core, cowards who would let anything slide as long as thry can get tenure.

As an outsider you can make a difference by documenting all the inappropriate stuff he said/did. Tenure cannot protect him if he is harassing and otherwise creating a hostile work environment, and the first step to getting rid of this dude is getting people to come forward and report. He is a liability to the uni, and they need to know that outsiders know.

He's not a professor, so tenure is not an issue. That was my thought when I posted. I guess I what I was looking for by posting is: do I follow up (with HR, not him) to see where my promised offer is? There may be a window to expose him there (especially since I saved the text messages). But, many people on here are saying don't tell HR, because they will try to hide his behavior from other candidates, vs. them being able to see it like I did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like he’s a bad fit for you and that’s ok. Just decline the offer. If you feel like it, give him direct feedback and let him know on a call what did you dislike in the process and during your visit.
But you do sound like you’re too sensitive. I didn’t read anything clearly inappropriate. Maybe out of touch. He was very interested in having you on board, you didn’t like his style. That’s it.

I don't think talking about sex and leaving the door open for me to make a move is just a "bad fit". Why would I give him direct feedback about his behavior and not HR/the University?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Since it’s practically a job for life and you are walking into an established group, the social aspects of the process are important. In short: lunch or dinner with potential colleagues is part of the interview process.

And flexibility and adaptability are key. Your rigid approach wasn’t strategic.

It’s not a good fit for you, and now you know.

Colleagues...but not basically every meal with just him. Every meal.

[Anonymous]

You can't call it your dream job b/c your would-be boss is creepy, pushy, and arguably inappropriate.

[Anonymous]

It's hard to know if the guy is socially inept, on the spectrum, or just unprofessional and all mixed with your rather over sensitively.

[Anonymous]

I don’t know what you are looking for from us. You had this idea in your here that this was your DREAM JOB. This guy was intense, overbearing, and maybe crossed a line (for you).Trust your gut that this is not the job for you. Maybe others will have a different opinion, but I am not sure what HR would do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's hard to know if the guy is socially inept, on the spectrum, or just unprofessional and all mixed with your rather over sensitively.

+1. OP isn't very good at describing all this in a cohesive, persuasive narrative with evidence. I doubt this will get very far if she goes to HR. Not worth the effort IMO, but, hard to tell what OP's endgame is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's hard to know if the guy is socially inept, on the spectrum, or just unprofessional and all mixed with your rather over sensitively.

+1. OP isn't very good at describing all this in a cohesive, persuasive narrative with evidence. I doubt this will get very far if she goes to HR. Not worth the effort IMO, but, hard to tell what OP's endgame is.

OP here. I’m not sure what my endgame is either. Perhaps to just let someone know that this happened? Probably why I posted on DCUM. I feel like I need to talk about it. For those of you saying this isn’t my dream job, you have absolutely no idea what you’re talking about. Every single bit of this job is exactly what I have been waiting for. The only roadblock is this man that should not be in a position of power. The job is a dream; he is a nightmare.

[Anonymous]

OP wants the job without the boss, but you’ll probably have to wait for him to retire for that to happen. The only thing you’ve shared that was maybe bordering on inappropriate was talking about undergrads having sex, but you were uncomfortable long before that. I don’t find anything else you’ve shared that unusual at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's hard to know if the guy is socially inept, on the spectrum, or just unprofessional and all mixed with your rather over sensitively.

+1. OP isn't very good at describing all this in a cohesive, persuasive narrative with evidence. I doubt this will get very far if she goes to HR. Not worth the effort IMO, but, hard to tell what OP's endgame is.

OP here. I’m not sure what my endgame is either. Perhaps to just let someone know that this happened? Probably why I posted on DCUM. I feel like I need to talk about it. For those of you saying this isn’t my dream job, you have absolutely no idea what you’re talking about. Every single bit of this job is exactly what I have been waiting for. The only roadblock is this man that should not be in a position of power. The job is a dream; he is a nightmare.

I think you know that going to HR is not going to get him fired and you hired. If every aspect of this job is your dream job, dealing with him may be worth it. Only you can decide that. I do think that sharing transportation and one-on-one lunch meetings are something that happens a lot in academia. Relationship building is important. If you are generally uncomfortable being alone with any man, it may not be the job for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you are jumping to conclusions. He didn’t do anything to conclude he wants, “ More than a professional relationship.” This boss and job doesn’t sound compatible for you. His pulling back the potential offer because of you pushing back would be a deal breaker. I would let him know that I want to be taken out of the running. He sounds OVERWHELMING.

OP here. There were things that crossed the line.

Then why didn’t you include these in your original post? It’s not like you were concerned with brevity.

Because I was concerned that people would get some sick thrill out of hearing that. This has been distressing enough for me.
I’m thinking most people replying here are not women.

No, most people responding likely are women, and what you’ve described is a big nothingburger compared to what some of us have experienced.

Comments like this are exactly why repeat “me too” offenders get away with it for years. Not OP but you are totally gaslighting. Just because you’ve had it worse doesn’t make it okay.

OP, it may have been inappropriate or just a case of poor boundaries. Regardless, all of the details should have been clearly communicated in advance and it made you uncomfortable. I’m sorry your dream job turned out not to be.