Another one - what’s wrong with my MIL??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Listen, I get that this is totally annoying to be around. But she has severe anxiety. Let it go and stop being so judgmental. You are coming off like a total jerk.

It is fine to try to manage around having a lot of contact when someone is annoying. It isn’t ok to trash them.

+100 op this is on you. She has anxiety. It might be annoying but she is your family now. Do you have kids? She will be their grandmother if you don't already and having a good relationship with her will greatly benefit your kids if you decide to have them. Try not to be petty and be understanding.

Oh yes, older kids. She has an odd relationship with them. Very excited about them in theory, can’t handle them in reality.

[Anonymous]

Op here - I’m really not trying to be a jerk. I am being judgmental, that’s true. and I didn’t give any information about me. I just honestly have had a hard time figuring out how to deal with her oddities when they impact me - during visits, money asking, judging me, kids. Not in the abstract. I was just thinking I may have more empathy if I understand her better.

[Anonymous]

The responses to OP are almost enough to restore my faith in DCUM. A MIL thread where posters actually take the MIL’s side and refuse to pile on? How refreshing!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Listen, I get that this is totally annoying to be around. But she has severe anxiety. Let it go and stop being so judgmental. You are coming off like a total jerk.

It is fine to try to manage around having a lot of contact when someone is annoying. It isn’t ok to trash them.

+100 op this is on you. She has anxiety. It might be annoying but she is your family now. Do you have kids? She will be their grandmother if you don't already and having a good relationship with her will greatly benefit your kids if you decide to have them. Try not to be petty and be understanding.

Oh yes, older kids. She has an odd relationship with them. Very excited about them in theory, can’t handle them in reality.

I don't blame her. They have you for a mother. I am sure they are insufferable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here - I’m really not trying to be a jerk. I am being judgmental, that’s true. and I didn’t give any information about me. I just honestly have had a hard time figuring out how to deal with her oddities when they impact me - during visits, money asking, judging me, kids. Not in the abstract. I was just thinking I may have more empathy if I understand her better.

You do not need to understand her. You need to understand yourself and try to become a better and more mannered person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The responses to OP are almost enough to restore my faith in DCUM. A MIL thread where posters actually take the MIL’s side and refuse to pile on? How refreshing!

No, they just piled on the other side. It’s actually a totally typical DCUM thread. An opportunity to be catty AND contrary, hold them back!

[Anonymous]

She sounds mentally ill. But she is your family now. So try to muster up what sympathy you can thinking about it from the perspective of her being sick and these all being symptoms of that. I have a BIL with poorly treated bipolar disorder who lashes out at people when in manic spells (including me even though I try very hard to walk on eggshells and remain a neutral presence when he is around). I have learned to detach from the situation and think about my relationship with him very clinically.

Of course you should have boundaries. DH stepped in an shut things down once when his brother was going off on me about some perceived insult. But otherwise I would just think of it as a kindness to DH to deal with his mother as much as you can with the knowledge that her annoyances are a manifestation of anxiety (and possibly other issues).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She's an old lady. Stop being so judgmental. Maybe the issue is you? Love her for who she is, not who you want her to be.

This post is a riot. The MIL is judgmental and yet you attack the OP. You're super strange. Yes, that's a judgment.

Sock puppeting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here - I’m really not trying to be a jerk. I am being judgmental, that’s true. and I didn’t give any information about me. I just honestly have had a hard time figuring out how to deal with her oddities when they impact me - during visits, money asking, judging me, kids. Not in the abstract. I was just thinking I may have more empathy if I understand her better.

Her being fat and wanting to look young have zero impact on you. Her being specific about her own diet is none of your business. You are just being catty and mean.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here - I’m really not trying to be a jerk. I am being judgmental, that’s true. and I didn’t give any information about me. I just honestly have had a hard time figuring out how to deal with her oddities when they impact me - during visits, money asking, judging me, kids. Not in the abstract. I was just thinking I may have more empathy if I understand her better.

Her being fat and wanting to look young have zero impact on you. Her being specific about her own diet is none of your business. You are just being catty and mean.

She makes it all of our business by endlessly talking about it, making sure we work around it, have her food ready when she comes, only has that food when we visit, etc. She is also making it my business by spending a fortune on it and then asking for $. Trust me, I want zero to do with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here - I’m really not trying to be a jerk. I am being judgmental, that’s true. and I didn’t give any information about me. I just honestly have had a hard time figuring out how to deal with her oddities when they impact me - during visits, money asking, judging me, kids. Not in the abstract. I was just thinking I may have more empathy if I understand her better.

Her being fat and wanting to look young have zero impact on you. Her being specific about her own diet is none of your business. You are just being catty and mean.

She makes it all of our business by endlessly talking about it, making sure we work around it, have her food ready when she comes, only has that food when we visit, etc. She is also making it my business by spending a fortune on it and then asking for $. Trust me, I want zero to do with it.

All you can do is manage around her.
Spend less time with her. Gray rock. Go out of town when she comes to visit or be very busy with other plans. Make your husband cater to the food craziness — it just isn’t your problem.

And the money thing is really on your husband. Get on the same page with him about what you will or will not do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here - I’m really not trying to be a jerk. I am being judgmental, that’s true. and I didn’t give any information about me. I just honestly have had a hard time figuring out how to deal with her oddities when they impact me - during visits, money asking, judging me, kids. Not in the abstract. I was just thinking I may have more empathy if I understand her better.

Her being fat and wanting to look young have zero impact on you. Her being specific about her own diet is none of your business. You are just being catty and mean.

She makes it all of our business by endlessly talking about it, making sure we work around it, have her food ready when she comes, only has that food when we visit, etc. She is also making it my business by spending a fortune on it and then asking for $. Trust me, I want zero to do with it.

OK let's break down what you actually said:

cares about her looks- not your problem, not even A problem
"is chubby"- not your problem, not even A problem
spends her money on beauty stuff- not your problem, not even A problem
spends her time thinking about her health- not your problem, not even A problem
talks about her and other people's health- not a problem, not even your problem (unless she is talking about your health, which is not what you said)
codependent with husband- not a problem
rarely leaves her house- not a problem (but also odd given all the other references you made to her being out of the house)
is anxious/competitive/boastful- the last two can impact you, but you gave no indication that they do
wants free stuff- not your problem

Only after your first post- which should have been about the actual issue-- did you start mentioning her asking for money and making food demands in your home. If that was a real issue, you would have included it. You're grasping.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here - I’m really not trying to be a jerk. I am being judgmental, that’s true. and I didn’t give any information about me. I just honestly have had a hard time figuring out how to deal with her oddities when they impact me - during visits, money asking, judging me, kids. Not in the abstract. I was just thinking I may have more empathy if I understand her better.

Her being fat and wanting to look young have zero impact on you. Her being specific about her own diet is none of your business. You are just being catty and mean.

She makes it all of our business by endlessly talking about it, making sure we work around it, have her food ready when she comes, only has that food when we visit, etc. She is also making it my business by spending a fortune on it and then asking for $. Trust me, I want zero to do with it.

Sounds like you are all about it and using it to gain attention and sympathy for yourself. You are complaining about what she eats in the same breath you are complaining she doesn't have your specific foods? Seriously get over yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here - I’m really not trying to be a jerk. I am being judgmental, that’s true. and I didn’t give any information about me. I just honestly have had a hard time figuring out how to deal with her oddities when they impact me - during visits, money asking, judging me, kids. Not in the abstract. I was just thinking I may have more empathy if I understand her better.

If you were not insecure they would not bother you. The only way to make them not bother you is to become more secure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
No, it is actually anxiety, OP. It's ALL anxiety. This reads like a list of anxious behaviors, even the fake confidence and projecting blame on others' health issues, because she knows something isn't quite right with her.

Leave her alone. I doubt she'd seek medication and therapy at her age.

Yes, anxiety and insecurity, with a dash of narcissism.

If you can blame people for their health issues, then that thing happened to them for a REASON, and it won't happen to you.