Husband doesn't help with hardly anything

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you are on this website for marital advice, 99% of the harpies here are going to tell you to get a divorce.

Hahahaha, true.

[Anonymous]

I did divorce my worthless husband over this behavior. And no, he didn’t start out that way or I’d never have married him. Very gradually, over the course of many years, I became the default everything. I was drowning in responsibilities and he was sitting on the couch watching TV or surfing the internet. He’d complain that I was too tired for intimacy, which I was a lot because having to be all the roles in a marriage is exhausting for one person. But when I asked if he could help with some of the day to day chores nothing changed. I slowly lost respect for him and ultimately didn’t want to be intimate with him because I don’t have any interest in fooling around with someone I don’t respect. As attractive as he was physically he just wasn’t attractive to me any more. The marriage just imploded from there. What it came down to for me was what value he added to the marriage and the household. And by the end it really wasn’t much. We had similar earnings. My life changed for the better in so many ways after the divorce. My chores were reduced and I had one less person to take care of. Kids were in high school and once they started driving spent the majority of the time at my place, even on his weeks. And now when they come home from college they stay with me and see him a bit. He has a new life and a new family so he seems happy in that regard. I think in my case divorce worked out for the better for everyone.

[Anonymous]

As a husband, this guy sounds burned out and depressed. I think couples counseling is generally over recommended - but he could seek therapy. For me, the telling thing is how much he’s shifted his behavior. He also needs to get more sleep and work on physical fitness.

Even without kids, sitting on the couch for 10 hours straight, eating cereal and snacks after bedtime, etc etc isn’t normal behavior.

Burnout from the last few years is totally understandable - but he needs to snap out of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a husband, this guy sounds burned out and depressed. I think couples counseling is generally over recommended - but he could seek therapy. For me, the telling thing is how much he’s shifted his behavior. He also needs to get more sleep and work on physical fitness.

Even without kids, sitting on the couch for 10 hours straight, eating cereal and snacks after bedtime, etc etc isn’t normal behavior.

Burnout from the last few years is totally understandable - but he needs to snap out of it.

Per OP, he's "killing it" at work. That doesn't sound like burnout to me.

That just sounds like he only wants to do things he cares about. He knows that OP will not let the kid ball drop; she cares too much, and he knows it.

He's a selfish a hole that is basically taking advantage of the fact that he knows OP will do everything. He talks the big talk because he feels like he's "the man", but he feels that childcare and household issues are beneath him.

FWIW, my DH is not like this at all, thank god. Otherwise we'd have a "come to Jesus" talk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I WOH full time+ in a demanding job. DH WFH full time+ in a demanding job. We make very similar incomes. However, I am the primary parent to our DD, capital P. All of the mental load and most of actual labor too, both household and parenting. He loves to criticize how I do all of it, meanwhile I don't think he moved from the couch in 10 hours yesterday, surfing the internet and playing video games. We'd just had a long conversation about how overwhelmed I am and I need more help and that's how he responds. I lost my sh*t on him because there was a giant pile of laundry to be put away, meanwhile I'm simultaneously cooking and helping DD with homework. He responded by telling me how miserable I make things around the house and basically what a drag it is to participate in anything in regards to parenting or around the house.

I can't handle it anymore. I told him my life would probably be easier if I was single because there would be less mess and life would just be more easy going. I'm already doing 98% of everything, the 2% or so he does participate in is not worth the hassle. I was late to work today because DD was having a tantrum not being able to find something and he just laid in bed. DD has to wake him up most days to make sure he gets her to the bus on time (that's one of his few contributions). He thinks I'm overreacting being upset that an 8 year old has to wake up her own father most days.

Sorry, I know I'm rambling, but I'm just so upset right now. I don't know how to get him to hear me and how to get us out of this awful cycle we are in.

Double up on your birth control, go to therapy, suggest marriage counseling, and seriously consider divorce.

Yeah, I know it's the go to on DCUM, but honestly, it's 2023 and women need to stop living with this. The best time to dump this guy was as soon as he started being a lazy POS. The second best time is now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a husband, this guy sounds burned out and depressed. I think couples counseling is generally over recommended - but he could seek therapy. For me, the telling thing is how much he’s shifted his behavior. He also needs to get more sleep and work on physical fitness.

Even without kids, sitting on the couch for 10 hours straight, eating cereal and snacks after bedtime, etc etc isn’t normal behavior.

Burnout from the last few years is totally understandable - but he needs to snap out of it.

if anyone has the right to be burnt out and depressed, it's the wife.

[Anonymous]

It broke my heart when he was criticizing how messy the house is ...

1. can you talk to his family member? maybe, they can help him understand his role? talk sense out of him?
2. Is he having an affair? quite possible, he is not doing anything as he does not care much about you, DD?
3. Please don't have one more child.
4. would he mind if you have a nanny who can help and clean up and make food?

If not the above, I would get a divorce. what judge would give custody to a person who does the nicotine vaping?
get 100 percent custody of your child.

[Anonymous]

Please ditch this sad sack. How is his weight since he just lays on a couch for days and eats?

If he isn't interested in getting blood work done and therapy, I would divorce him. Do you really want your daughter growing up and marrying a man like this?! Daughters look for men similar to their dads and also look for how their parent's marriage was.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a husband, this guy sounds burned out and depressed. I think couples counseling is generally over recommended - but he could seek therapy. For me, the telling thing is how much he’s shifted his behavior. He also needs to get more sleep and work on physical fitness.

Even without kids, sitting on the couch for 10 hours straight, eating cereal and snacks after bedtime, etc etc isn’t normal behavior.

Burnout from the last few years is totally understandable - but he needs to snap out of it.

Per OP, he's "killing it" at work. That doesn't sound like burnout to me.

That just sounds like he only wants to do things he cares about. He knows that OP will not let the kid ball drop; she cares too much, and he knows it.

He's a selfish a hole that is basically taking advantage of the fact that he knows OP will do everything. He talks the big talk because he feels like he's "the man", but he feels that childcare and household issues are beneath him.

FWIW, my DH is not like this at all, thank god. Otherwise we'd have a "come to Jesus" talk.

Op here, it's this. To the PP that says he needs to work on physical fitness, he runs 5+ miles nearly everyday (yes, while vaping like crazy and smoking for a decade prior to that... no clue how). I don't see how he could be burned out. I'm burned out, but I do a whole hell of a lot more than him. He WFH in a quiet empty house all day, wakes up at like 7:30am, gets the house to himself most evenings, works out over his lunch break, doesn't cook/clean/grocery shop. I commute 30 minutes to/from an office every day (not to mention, have to do hair/makeup every day), get up at 5am, am almost never in my house alone (and definitely not for extended times) and do all cooking/grocery shopping and any maintenance cleaning between cleaning people coming. I mean, he even complains about the cleaning people I hired. It's annoying to him that they come when he's there ... but he never leaves!! I told him to feel free to hire someone else that would work around him not being there, even gave him some people to reach out to... nothing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I WOH full time+ in a demanding job. DH WFH full time+ in a demanding job. We make very similar incomes. However, I am the primary parent to our DD, capital P. All of the mental load and most of actual labor too, both household and parenting. He loves to criticize how I do all of it, meanwhile I don't think he moved from the couch in 10 hours yesterday, surfing the internet and playing video games. We'd just had a long conversation about how overwhelmed I am and I need more help and that's how he responds. I lost my sh*t on him because there was a giant pile of laundry to be put away, meanwhile I'm simultaneously cooking and helping DD with homework. He responded by telling me how miserable I make things around the house and basically what a drag it is to participate in anything in regards to parenting or around the house.

I can't handle it anymore. I told him my life would probably be easier if I was single because there would be less mess and life would just be more easy going. I'm already doing 98% of everything, the 2% or so he does participate in is not worth the hassle. I was late to work today because DD was having a tantrum not being able to find something and he just laid in bed. DD has to wake him up most days to make sure he gets her to the bus on time (that's one of his few contributions). He thinks I'm overreacting being upset that an 8 year old has to wake up her own father most days.

Sorry, I know I'm rambling, but I'm just so upset right now. I don't know how to get him to hear me and how to get us out of this awful cycle we are in.

Double up on your birth control, go to therapy, suggest marriage counseling, and seriously consider divorce.

Yeah, I know it's the go to on DCUM, but honestly, it's 2023 and women need to stop living with this. The best time to dump this guy was as soon as he started being a lazy POS. The second best time is now.

No. Abstinence. This jackass doesn't deserve to use anyone else's body for his pleasure.

[Anonymous]

Was he like this when you dated? When you were first married? Did you talk about division of labor before marriage and again before having kids? But yeah I'd divorce someone like that. Then maybe you'll have the bandwidth to work on an 8 yr old having temper tantrums, which she is 5 years too old for.

[Anonymous]

It's just weird. That he was this great spouse and father pulling his weight and then just stopped. Is there any truth to you being over critical?

What do you think about couples counseling?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Was he like this when you dated? When you were first married? Did you talk about division of labor before marriage and again before having kids? But yeah I'd divorce someone like that. Then maybe you'll have the bandwidth to work on an 8 yr old having temper tantrums, which she is 5 years too old for.

Op here. Yeah, I'm aware. I don't need to feel any worse. Could it be because she feels out of control because I leave her every morning while her dad sleeps in? Maybe that's it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's just weird. That he was this great spouse and father pulling his weight and then just stopped. Is there any truth to you being over critical?

What do you think about couples counseling?

Op here. I'm critical now, for sure. I think I have every right to be. Me being quiet about it the last few years hasn't done anything, so maybe he needs it pointed out so he can understand why I am so grouchy all the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Was he like this when you dated? When you were first married? Did you talk about division of labor before marriage and again before having kids? But yeah I'd divorce someone like that. Then maybe you'll have the bandwidth to work on an 8 yr old having temper tantrums, which she is 5 years too old for.

Op here, we did discuss it, but it hindsight, it was more that he didn't want me to SAH (which was fine by me) like his mom did and he thought his mom always resented his dad because his dad did nothing around the house. But me working doesn't automatically make him hold his own on parenting and household chores.