Husband doesn't help with hardly anything

[Anonymous]

Sorry to tell you, you put up with it. You allow it to continue. Do something about it or continue to be the door mat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He has ADHD. Seriously, he's able to do well at work because he's able to focus on that one thing. Once work is over, he wants to "zone" into games, sleep, etc. and will use all kinds of techniques to avoid tasks that seem tedious or boring.
I have a teen son with ADHD and without meds, he acts exactly like this.

I'm the PP that said the DH sounds selfish and entitled, but actually this makes more sense. Significant ADHD and defensiveness about doing anything to fix it.

Is ADHD making him complain about the cleaners, lol?

The fact is, you can both be ADHD and a jerk. I have a brother w ADHD and he is a fantastic husband. ADHD does not excuse or explain this total abdication.

Also ADHD does require symptoms in multiple areas. Someone who can manage work can also manage home duties. Someone motivated to run every day has the capacity to do the freakin’ dishes.

THIS. I wish there was a PSA about this. OP's DH may indeed have ADHD. He could also be depressed. None of this is an excuse for being an absent father and a jerk to your spouse.

Also, one of the problems about any diagnosis for the DH here is that he's not going to do anything about it. If he has ADHD, he's not going to get tested, take meds, or try to use adaptive skills to counteract its impact on his family. Same with depression. He's not going to go find a therapist and talk to a doctor about meds and figure out what works and try to get better. At best, he will go to an appointment that OP researches and makes for him, and if the suggested solutions are really easy, he might do some of them. At best. But OP will have to hold his hand and do most of the legwork and also never be frustrated by the fact that he will never, ever take personal responsibility over any of it. It might get moderately better.

People like this can sometimes find a diagnosis to blame their behavior on, but that in itself is just another way for them to shift responsibility off themselves. They are just selfish. They want to do the stuff they enjoy and they want other people to handle everything else and they have learned from a young age a variety of tactics for making this happen. I know men and women like this. It's entitlement, often facilitated by families who trained them into it. An ADHD diagnosis will not undo 40 years of thinking nothing is your fault and you don't have to do anything that is even mildly unpleasant to you.

This is very perceptive.

A divorce really might be the better way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, I think this is crazy awesome. Like totally fine.

He doesn't want to participate in your lives. He's made it incredibly clear.

My wife did the same thing. She even complained about the cleaners. First off -- it's ADHD and depression, OP. In men, it manifests in anger, but looking at everything, it's like there is a real reason for all of this. Yes, my wife worked and even was a great employee (despite hating her work and complaining constantly). But it doesn't matter.

My view was to just do what all of these posters said. I focused on me. I worked on my own anxiety and depression, which helped me get a sense that yes, I had a role in this dynamic but I had a great opportunity.

I manage everything in my home. I mean, everything. I do all of the cooking, I make all of the major decisions (my wife gets told what's going on and can weigh in, but her untreated ADHD makes this an exercise of slowly feeding her information in bits that don't overwhelm her). If she hates something, obviously, I'll make a change, but if it doesn't impact her, she doesn't get a say. Activities? I do 100 percent of the driving (I work from home and manage this). Cooking? She's welcome to cook and add to the weekly calendar, but if she doesn't, I just make the meals I want for us, decide when we are eating out and do the grocery shopping. Major kid decisions like tutoring? I found them, including that 3k in money from the state of Virginia to pay for math tutoring. Money stuff? I handle all of the budgeting and saving and retirement planning.

In the short-term, my kids got a mom who could intensely focus on them the way she could. She did things with them like play Animal crossing or read. And I think I have learned to value her own expertise and talent that is driven by her ADHD -- she can research incredibly well and focuses on tasks sometimes to an incredible extent. Yes, it's a halloween costume or cleaning the laundry room, but I appreciate it whenever it comes up and keep things moving.

We both focus really hard on having a respectful discourse. We don't yell and I detest complaining (I sort of shut down with all of the complaining and disengage after years of hearing complaints with no action on her part). It's a peaceful and happy home.

I always will run things by my wife basically saying this is what I think the plan should be, do you have a plan/want to get involved?

Months went by but slowly she started getting more involved. She's still not terrible involved in the weeds, but she doesn't want to be.

And yes, I could be divorced. But it's just a headache, I would much, much prefer managing this all alone with my wife not causing harm than having my kids grow up in two homes, one with a person with an untreated mental illness/cognitive issue and one with structure.

The future? Who knows. If we didn't have kids of course I'd cut and run but I won't thrust the complications of divorce on my kids. I might when they are adults, but they can decide what if, any, relationship they want with either of us.

You sound like an incredible person. Putting the kids first while also focusing on your own well-being and, yet, still seeing the positive in your spouse and building on that. I’m very impressed and wish you the very best as you hopefully continue to provide a stable and positive environment for your kids.

[Anonymous]

Dump him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, I think this is crazy awesome. Like totally fine.

He doesn't want to participate in your lives. He's made it incredibly clear.

My wife did the same thing. She even complained about the cleaners. First off -- it's ADHD and depression, OP. In men, it manifests in anger, but looking at everything, it's like there is a real reason for all of this. Yes, my wife worked and even was a great employee (despite hating her work and complaining constantly). But it doesn't matter.

My view was to just do what all of these posters said. I focused on me. I worked on my own anxiety and depression, which helped me get a sense that yes, I had a role in this dynamic but I had a great opportunity.

I manage everything in my home. I mean, everything. I do all of the cooking, I make all of the major decisions (my wife gets told what's going on and can weigh in, but her untreated ADHD makes this an exercise of slowly feeding her information in bits that don't overwhelm her). If she hates something, obviously, I'll make a change, but if it doesn't impact her, she doesn't get a say. Activities? I do 100 percent of the driving (I work from home and manage this). Cooking? She's welcome to cook and add to the weekly calendar, but if she doesn't, I just make the meals I want for us, decide when we are eating out and do the grocery shopping. Major kid decisions like tutoring? I found them, including that 3k in money from the state of Virginia to pay for math tutoring. Money stuff? I handle all of the budgeting and saving and retirement planning.

In the short-term, my kids got a mom who could intensely focus on them the way she could. She did things with them like play Animal crossing or read. And I think I have learned to value her own expertise and talent that is driven by her ADHD -- she can research incredibly well and focuses on tasks sometimes to an incredible extent. Yes, it's a halloween costume or cleaning the laundry room, but I appreciate it whenever it comes up and keep things moving.

We both focus really hard on having a respectful discourse. We don't yell and I detest complaining (I sort of shut down with all of the complaining and disengage after years of hearing complaints with no action on her part). It's a peaceful and happy home.

I always will run things by my wife basically saying this is what I think the plan should be, do you have a plan/want to get involved?

Months went by but slowly she started getting more involved. She's still not terrible involved in the weeds, but she doesn't want to be.

And yes, I could be divorced. But it's just a headache, I would much, much prefer managing this all alone with my wife not causing harm than having my kids grow up in two homes, one with a person with an untreated mental illness/cognitive issue and one with structure.

The future? Who knows. If we didn't have kids of course I'd cut and run but I won't thrust the complications of divorce on my kids. I might when they are adults, but they can decide what if, any, relationship they want with either of us.

You sound like an incredible person. Putting the kids first while also focusing on your own well-being and, yet, still seeing the positive in your spouse and building on that. I’m very impressed and wish you the very best as you hopefully continue to provide a stable and positive environment for your kids.

I took that to be a female/female marriage so different social conditioning than angry “who care”, “kids are fine” males with ADHD.

Also, “work from home” implies 8am-3pm unless there is a daily nanny, au pair, drivers, or teens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is pretty much a lot of husbands, they don’t do shit. They just sit there or do their own thing. Women put up with it.

I saw one dad at the aquarium taking everyone to the bathroom and getting them snacks and water bottles. He was so different so yeah there are a few good dads out there, but not many.

So a Disney Dad?

That's so rude based on the tiny bit of knowledge you have about a complete stranger.

Exactly.

I don’t know ANYTHiNG about that dads ability to teach, tutor, schedule things, cook a nutritious meal, pack an Go Bag, identity an ill child, or comfort an upset child.

All I know was he took the kids out of the house, to a fun outing (aquarium or zoo), bought their processed food snacks, and refilled a water bottle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is pretty much a lot of husbands, they don’t do shit. They just sit there or do their own thing. Women put up with it.

I saw one dad at the aquarium taking everyone to the bathroom and getting them snacks and water bottles. He was so different so yeah there are a few good dads out there, but not many.

So a Disney Dad?

That's so rude based on the tiny bit of knowledge you have about a complete stranger.

Exactly.

I don’t know ANYTHiNG about that dads ability to teach, tutor, schedule things, cook a nutritious meal, pack an Go Bag, identity an ill child, or comfort an upset child.

All I know was he took the kids out of the house, to a fun outing (aquarium or zoo), bought their processed food snacks, and refilled a water bottle.

dad of the year, wow.

totally pathetic this is even worth mentioning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I WOH full time+ in a demanding job. DH WFH full time+ in a demanding job. We make very similar incomes. However, I am the primary parent to our DD, capital P. All of the mental load and most of actual labor too, both household and parenting. He loves to criticize how I do all of it, meanwhile I don't think he moved from the couch in 10 hours yesterday, surfing the internet and playing video games. We'd just had a long conversation about how overwhelmed I am and I need more help and that's how he responds. I lost my sh*t on him because there was a giant pile of laundry to be put away, meanwhile I'm simultaneously cooking and helping DD with homework. He responded by telling me how miserable I make things around the house and basically what a drag it is to participate in anything in regards to parenting or around the house.

I can't handle it anymore. I told him my life would probably be easier if I was single because there would be less mess and life would just be more easy going. I'm already doing 98% of everything, the 2% or so he does participate in is not worth the hassle. I was late to work today because DD was having a tantrum not being able to find something and he just laid in bed. DD has to wake him up most days to make sure he gets her to the bus on time (that's one of his few contributions). He thinks I'm overreacting being upset that an 8 year old has to wake up her own father most days.

Sorry, I know I'm rambling, but I'm just so upset right now. I don't know how to get him to hear me and how to get us out of this awful cycle we are in.

Let me guess... his mommy spoiled him rotten. She did everything for him, and now it’s your job.

Spoiled rotten little boys turn into lazy, rotten men.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, I think this is crazy awesome. Like totally fine.

He doesn't want to participate in your lives. He's made it incredibly clear.

My wife did the same thing. She even complained about the cleaners. First off -- it's ADHD and depression, OP. In men, it manifests in anger, but looking at everything, it's like there is a real reason for all of this. Yes, my wife worked and even was a great employee (despite hating her work and complaining constantly). But it doesn't matter.

My view was to just do what all of these posters said. I focused on me. I worked on my own anxiety and depression, which helped me get a sense that yes, I had a role in this dynamic but I had a great opportunity.

I manage everything in my home. I mean, everything. I do all of the cooking, I make all of the major decisions (my wife gets told what's going on and can weigh in, but her untreated ADHD makes this an exercise of slowly feeding her information in bits that don't overwhelm her). If she hates something, obviously, I'll make a change, but if it doesn't impact her, she doesn't get a say. Activities? I do 100 percent of the driving (I work from home and manage this). Cooking? She's welcome to cook and add to the weekly calendar, but if she doesn't, I just make the meals I want for us, decide when we are eating out and do the grocery shopping. Major kid decisions like tutoring? I found them, including that 3k in money from the state of Virginia to pay for math tutoring. Money stuff? I handle all of the budgeting and saving and retirement planning.

In the short-term, my kids got a mom who could intensely focus on them the way she could. She did things with them like play Animal crossing or read. And I think I have learned to value her own expertise and talent that is driven by her ADHD -- she can research incredibly well and focuses on tasks sometimes to an incredible extent. Yes, it's a halloween costume or cleaning the laundry room, but I appreciate it whenever it comes up and keep things moving.

We both focus really hard on having a respectful discourse. We don't yell and I detest complaining (I sort of shut down with all of the complaining and disengage after years of hearing complaints with no action on her part). It's a peaceful and happy home.

I always will run things by my wife basically saying this is what I think the plan should be, do you have a plan/want to get involved?

Months went by but slowly she started getting more involved. She's still not terrible involved in the weeds, but she doesn't want to be.

And yes, I could be divorced. But it's just a headache, I would much, much prefer managing this all alone with my wife not causing harm than having my kids grow up in two homes, one with a person with an untreated mental illness/cognitive issue and one with structure.

The future? Who knows. If we didn't have kids of course I'd cut and run but I won't thrust the complications of divorce on my kids. I might when they are adults, but they can decide what if, any, relationship they want with either of us.

See I think this is great advice but I also think it's worth noting that women, by virtue of biology, just have a greater "value" than men do. Women 1) give birth 2) are much closer to the children generally 3) will generally spend a lot of time nurturing, playing with the kids, etc when you free up their time. The same cannot be said of men. We have studies on this. SAHDs do a fraction of the housework and childcare SAHMs do. It seems the difference may be biological- who knows? But when men have more free time, they generally dont spend it playing with Timmy and reading bedtime stories. Which is really fine- men and women are different, and all that, I'm not even saying this is always a bad thing. But I think the dynamic of the man taking over the decisions, doing most of the housework, taking care of all the bills and big decisions, is going to be very different than a woman doing the same. When a woman does it, quite often the man will just be hanging around, playing video games or whatever. And again, women just seem to have more innate value to relationships- do more emotional labor, etc. So while your situation, while it may be frustrating at times, may have worked out, I dont know that the genders reversed would. Most women aren't willing to sign up to micromanage everything to have a man just sitting around doing nothing. Men need to add greater value to relationships to make up for their lack of ability to bear children, bond with kids as well, etc, hence why theyve historically provided money. When a man's not adding money, AND not helping around the house, AND not really doing childcare- I mean, what's the point?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He has ADHD. Seriously, he's able to do well at work because he's able to focus on that one thing. Once work is over, he wants to "zone" into games, sleep, etc. and will use all kinds of techniques to avoid tasks that seem tedious or boring.
I have a teen son with ADHD and without meds, he acts exactly like this.

I'm the PP that said the DH sounds selfish and entitled, but actually this makes more sense. Significant ADHD and defensiveness about doing anything to fix it.

Is ADHD making him complain about the cleaners, lol?

The fact is, you can both be ADHD and a jerk. I have a brother w ADHD and he is a fantastic husband. ADHD does not excuse or explain this total abdication.

Also ADHD does require symptoms in multiple areas. Someone who can manage work can also manage home duties. Someone motivated to run every day has the capacity to do the freakin’ dishes.

THIS. I wish there was a PSA about this. OP's DH may indeed have ADHD. He could also be depressed. None of this is an excuse for being an absent father and a jerk to your spouse.

Also, one of the problems about any diagnosis for the DH here is that he's not going to do anything about it. If he has ADHD, he's not going to get tested, take meds, or try to use adaptive skills to counteract its impact on his family. Same with depression. He's not going to go find a therapist and talk to a doctor about meds and figure out what works and try to get better. At best, he will go to an appointment that OP researches and makes for him, and if the suggested solutions are really easy, he might do some of them. At best. But OP will have to hold his hand and do most of the legwork and also never be frustrated by the fact that he will never, ever take personal responsibility over any of it. It might get moderately better.

People like this can sometimes find a diagnosis to blame their behavior on, but that in itself is just another way for them to shift responsibility off themselves. They are just selfish. They want to do the stuff they enjoy and they want other people to handle everything else and they have learned from a young age a variety of tactics for making this happen. I know men and women like this. It's entitlement, often facilitated by families who trained them into it. An ADHD diagnosis will not undo 40 years of thinking nothing is your fault and you don't have to do anything that is even mildly unpleasant to you.

This is very perceptive.

A divorce really might be the better way.

+1. And hope they don’t remarry and have more kids, they’d be even worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, I think this is crazy awesome. Like totally fine.

He doesn't want to participate in your lives. He's made it incredibly clear.

My wife did the same thing. She even complained about the cleaners. First off -- it's ADHD and depression, OP. In men, it manifests in anger, but looking at everything, it's like there is a real reason for all of this. Yes, my wife worked and even was a great employee (despite hating her work and complaining constantly). But it doesn't matter.

My view was to just do what all of these posters said. I focused on me. I worked on my own anxiety and depression, which helped me get a sense that yes, I had a role in this dynamic but I had a great opportunity.

I manage everything in my home. I mean, everything. I do all of the cooking, I make all of the major decisions (my wife gets told what's going on and can weigh in, but her untreated ADHD makes this an exercise of slowly feeding her information in bits that don't overwhelm her). If she hates something, obviously, I'll make a change, but if it doesn't impact her, she doesn't get a say. Activities? I do 100 percent of the driving (I work from home and manage this). Cooking? She's welcome to cook and add to the weekly calendar, but if she doesn't, I just make the meals I want for us, decide when we are eating out and do the grocery shopping. Major kid decisions like tutoring? I found them, including that 3k in money from the state of Virginia to pay for math tutoring. Money stuff? I handle all of the budgeting and saving and retirement planning.

In the short-term, my kids got a mom who could intensely focus on them the way she could. She did things with them like play Animal crossing or read. And I think I have learned to value her own expertise and talent that is driven by her ADHD -- she can research incredibly well and focuses on tasks sometimes to an incredible extent. Yes, it's a halloween costume or cleaning the laundry room, but I appreciate it whenever it comes up and keep things moving.

We both focus really hard on having a respectful discourse. We don't yell and I detest complaining (I sort of shut down with all of the complaining and disengage after years of hearing complaints with no action on her part). It's a peaceful and happy home.

I always will run things by my wife basically saying this is what I think the plan should be, do you have a plan/want to get involved?

Months went by but slowly she started getting more involved. She's still not terrible involved in the weeds, but she doesn't want to be.

And yes, I could be divorced. But it's just a headache, I would much, much prefer managing this all alone with my wife not causing harm than having my kids grow up in two homes, one with a person with an untreated mental illness/cognitive issue and one with structure.

The future? Who knows. If we didn't have kids of course I'd cut and run but I won't thrust the complications of divorce on my kids. I might when they are adults, but they can decide what if, any, relationship they want with either of us.

You sound like an incredible person. Putting the kids first while also focusing on your own well-being and, yet, still seeing the positive in your spouse and building on that. I’m very impressed and wish you the very best as you hopefully continue to provide a stable and positive environment for your kids.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, I think this is crazy awesome. Like totally fine.

He doesn't want to participate in your lives. He's made it incredibly clear.

My wife did the same thing. She even complained about the cleaners. First off -- it's ADHD and depression, OP. In men, it manifests in anger, but looking at everything, it's like there is a real reason for all of this. Yes, my wife worked and even was a great employee (despite hating her work and complaining constantly). But it doesn't matter.

My view was to just do what all of these posters said. I focused on me. I worked on my own anxiety and depression, which helped me get a sense that yes, I had a role in this dynamic but I had a great opportunity.

I manage everything in my home. I mean, everything. I do all of the cooking, I make all of the major decisions (my wife gets told what's going on and can weigh in, but her untreated ADHD makes this an exercise of slowly feeding her information in bits that don't overwhelm her). If she hates something, obviously, I'll make a change, but if it doesn't impact her, she doesn't get a say. Activities? I do 100 percent of the driving (I work from home and manage this). Cooking? She's welcome to cook and add to the weekly calendar, but if she doesn't, I just make the meals I want for us, decide when we are eating out and do the grocery shopping. Major kid decisions like tutoring? I found them, including that 3k in money from the state of Virginia to pay for math tutoring. Money stuff? I handle all of the budgeting and saving and retirement planning.

In the short-term, my kids got a mom who could intensely focus on them the way she could. She did things with them like play Animal crossing or read. And I think I have learned to value her own expertise and talent that is driven by her ADHD -- she can research incredibly well and focuses on tasks sometimes to an incredible extent. Yes, it's a halloween costume or cleaning the laundry room, but I appreciate it whenever it comes up and keep things moving.

We both focus really hard on having a respectful discourse. We don't yell and I detest complaining (I sort of shut down with all of the complaining and disengage after years of hearing complaints with no action on her part). It's a peaceful and happy home.

I always will run things by my wife basically saying this is what I think the plan should be, do you have a plan/want to get involved?

Months went by but slowly she started getting more involved. She's still not terrible involved in the weeds, but she doesn't want to be.

And yes, I could be divorced. But it's just a headache, I would much, much prefer managing this all alone with my wife not causing harm than having my kids grow up in two homes, one with a person with an untreated mental illness/cognitive issue and one with structure.

The future? Who knows. If we didn't have kids of course I'd cut and run but I won't thrust the complications of divorce on my kids. I might when they are adults, but they can decide what if, any, relationship they want with either of us.

You sound like an incredible person. Putting the kids first while also focusing on your own well-being and, yet, still seeing the positive in your spouse and building on that. I’m very impressed and wish you the very best as you hopefully continue to provide a stable and positive environment for your kids.

I took that to be a female/female marriage so different social conditioning than angry “who care”, “kids are fine” males with ADHD.

Also, “work from home” implies 8am-3pm unless there is a daily nanny, au pair, drivers, or teens.

I assumed this was a lesbian couple as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, this is the PP who says you should talk less, act more. You dismiss what I say, saying you won’t live in a sty. You also say you don’t want a divorce. Is this how you are with your spouse, you just dismiss everything he says and just stick to your complaints? If so, then I understand why he says you are making things miserable and why he avoids you. Why are you stuck in this role and unwilling to change? How does it benefit you—It *must* benefit you because you are choosing it.
I seriously think you need therapy and possibly medication for depression. If nothing else therapy would help you find new strategies and ways of talking to your husband.
If your response to that is that therapy won’t work and that you are too busy for therapy because your spouse is so lazy and awful, then I suggest you look up the term “help rejecting complainer” and consider the possibility that The situation you were in with your husband is actually extremely comfortable for you despite the fact that you say you hate it.

Op here. I am in therapy. I've asked him to do the same (individually) because I think it would be beneficial and he won't. I wouldn't say I'm depressed (thanks for the armchair diagnosis) but I am extremely burned out.

OP do not listen to this poster *he* I'd gaslighting you to make it look like you are the problem. His whole premise is that your husband had a preference for doing things a certain way and that you need to learn to accept every last bit of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, this is the PP who says you should talk less, act more. You dismiss what I say, saying you won’t live in a sty. You also say you don’t want a divorce. Is this how you are with your spouse, you just dismiss everything he says and just stick to your complaints? If so, then I understand why he says you are making things miserable and why he avoids you. Why are you stuck in this role and unwilling to change? How does it benefit you—It *must* benefit you because you are choosing it.
I seriously think you need therapy and possibly medication for depression. If nothing else therapy would help you find new strategies and ways of talking to your husband.
If your response to that is that therapy won’t work and that you are too busy for therapy because your spouse is so lazy and awful, then I suggest you look up the term “help rejecting complainer” and consider the possibility that The situation you were in with your husband is actually extremely comfortable for you despite the fact that you say you hate it.

I know our society has become very live and let live and accept people for who they are but do not assume we are stupid and use this premise to cleverly excuse the husband's selfish behavior. Your whole point is "just deal it"--no, he is wrong and she is right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is pretty much a lot of husbands, they don’t do shit. They just sit there or do their own thing. Women put up with it.

I saw one dad at the aquarium taking everyone to the bathroom and getting them snacks and water bottles. He was so different so yeah there are a few good dads out there, but not many.

So a Disney Dad?

What is a Disney dad?