Husband doesn't help with hardly anything

[Anonymous]

Can we just get a new forum here called Deadweight Husbands? Honestly a good 20% of all posts in the relationship forum seem to be about feral men and the women who have foolishly married them. Maybe these wives can start some sort of fight club/strangers on a train kind of deal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Before you divorce, stop doing anything that benefits him. No laundry, cooking, cleaning, etc. Don't help him find his car keys, buy a gift for his mother, or make his colonoscopy appointment. No affection or intimacy of course. Treat him like a platonic roommate you found on Craigslist. Then perhaps he will see all you do for him and how much work it is. Maybe he will start to appreciate you. But honestly, I doubt it! You have my blessing to skip straight to divorce if all that sounds unappealing.

Getting passive aggressive isn’t helpful nor will it have that result you fantasize about.

Divorce is an option but don’t expect it to be a panacea and understand you lose daily access to your child.

OP here. That's why I don't want to divorce, I don't want to not see my kid everyday. And honestly, she will HATE that too.

without divorce the household just becomes bitter and unhappy (at best). divorce in your case does NOT have to mean 50-50.

I would bet he doesn't even want 50/50. Or if he does, he will quickly change his mind once he sees how much work it is.. Op, nothing is going to magically change. Get therapy for yourself and see if he will do marriage counseling. You both sound miserable together so I can't really see this ending in any way that's not divorce. And yeah, your kid will hate divorce. But its better than being raised in a household full of resentment and hatred.

[Anonymous]

Is he depressed? Low T? Hypothyroid? Does he smoke weed? The way you describe him, it seems as though something medical might be going on. I recommend a complete workup, including bloodwork.

Good luck, OP, things sound miserable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can we just get a new forum here called Deadweight Husbands? Honestly a good 20% of all posts in the relationship forum seem to be about feral men and the women who have foolishly married them. Maybe these wives can start some sort of fight club/strangers on a train kind of deal.

OP here. I wish I had had a crystal ball on this. I had no way of knowing. He said all of the right things. I don't blame myself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is he depressed? Low T? Hypothyroid? Does he smoke weed? The way you describe him, it seems as though something medical might be going on. I recommend a complete workup, including bloodwork.

Good luck, OP, things sound miserable.

Op here. Probably one or several of the above. I know he has a nicotine addiction because he vapes constantly when I'm not around and it's gotten significantly worse since he WFH full time in the last 3.5 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Before you divorce, stop doing anything that benefits him. No laundry, cooking, cleaning, etc. Don't help him find his car keys, buy a gift for his mother, or make his colonoscopy appointment. No affection or intimacy of course. Treat him like a platonic roommate you found on Craigslist. Then perhaps he will see all you do for him and how much work it is. Maybe he will start to appreciate you. But honestly, I doubt it! You have my blessing to skip straight to divorce if all that sounds unappealing.

Getting passive aggressive isn’t helpful nor will it have that result you fantasize about.

Divorce is an option but don’t expect it to be a panacea and understand you lose daily access to your child.

Men like her DH don’t want 50% custody!

OP if you’re smart about the way you go about presenting separation to him, you can probably work out something that really improves your life. My DH sounds identical to yours. Luckily our finances are pretty straightforward and I was able to propose a financial settlement that he had no problem with. I knew he didn’t want 50-50 but loves to travel with DH so I said “what about you get Thursday and Friday nights, plus as many trips as you want.” I also offered that he could come over in the evenings (which I doubt he will.) Even though with this custody split I could have asked for some child support, I didn’t because it was a small amount (like $200/month) and I didn’t want to jeopardize the custody amount.

OP here. I can't imagine him wanting 50/50 except so he wouldn't have to pay child support. As it is, DD and I are gone from the house most weeknights at her activities, so he basically lives the single life M-Th nights until we come home. The man has more free time than any husband and father I know. And he sure as sh*t doesn't use that time we are gone to clean or pick up. If anything, we come home and it's messier because he ordered takeout and can't clean up after himself.

[Anonymous]

If you are on this website for marital advice, 99% of the harpies here are going to tell you to get a divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Before you divorce, stop doing anything that benefits him. No laundry, cooking, cleaning, etc. Don't help him find his car keys, buy a gift for his mother, or make his colonoscopy appointment. No affection or intimacy of course. Treat him like a platonic roommate you found on Craigslist. Then perhaps he will see all you do for him and how much work it is. Maybe he will start to appreciate you. But honestly, I doubt it! You have my blessing to skip straight to divorce if all that sounds unappealing.

Op here. I don't do his laundry, just mine and DD's. We outsource with a housecleaner 2x a month, but any other maintenance cleaning, like dishes, wiping down counters, taking out trash, picking up, vacuum, making the bed, etc. he just does not do. Not only that, he stays up late and leaves trash and dishes out when he goes to bed, so I come downstairs at 5am and start my day by picking up cereal bowls and snack wrappers.

He doesn't take DD to activities except the rare occasion I have an after work event. He has nothing to do with DD and school (homework, conferences, paper work, lunch money, etc). Never schedules or attends a dr appt. Never has bought her clothes, certainly couldn't tell you her clothing or shoe size.

There was one day I was WFH and I got DD ready, took her to the bus, came home, started work, worked for 2 hours and he was still sleeping. I waited to see how long he would sleep before realizing HE HAD WORK and I let him go till after 9:30 before I woke him up because then I worried he might miss a meeting and get fired and that would suck more than proving a point.

The only thing he appears to care about is work. He is focused and motivated there, but that's it. I've said multiple times that I can't do it all with the job I have. I'm literally drowning and am so tired.

He doesn't care about affection or intimacy, so that's not even a source of leverage. It feels hopeless.

I'm not sure how much he cares about his work if he's sleeping in during the work week.

At this point, I would not offload any childcare to him because I would be afraid he half a$$es it. I would not want my kid to be late to school or do badly on a HW because the dad couldn't be bothered. It's one thing to have the dad suffer, but another to let the kid suffer because the dad is such a lazy, selfish, ahole.

I think you guys need marital counseling.

I'll repeat: most men should not have children. They cannot handle it. They can just about handle their own lives: going to work, feeding himself. Throw in a young child who needs someone to do all that for them and more, and those men get lost.

+1000 such losers at home at parenting, homeowning, and being a human.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Before you divorce, stop doing anything that benefits him. No laundry, cooking, cleaning, etc. Don't help him find his car keys, buy a gift for his mother, or make his colonoscopy appointment. No affection or intimacy of course. Treat him like a platonic roommate you found on Craigslist. Then perhaps he will see all you do for him and how much work it is. Maybe he will start to appreciate you. But honestly, I doubt it! You have my blessing to skip straight to divorce if all that sounds unappealing.

Getting passive aggressive isn’t helpful nor will it have that result you fantasize about.

Divorce is an option but don’t expect it to be a panacea and understand you lose daily access to your child.

Men like her DH don’t want 50% custody!

OP if you’re smart about the way you go about presenting separation to him, you can probably work out something that really improves your life. My DH sounds identical to yours. Luckily our finances are pretty straightforward and I was able to propose a financial settlement that he had no problem with. I knew he didn’t want 50-50 but loves to travel with DH so I said “what about you get Thursday and Friday nights, plus as many trips as you want.” I also offered that he could come over in the evenings (which I doubt he will.) Even though with this custody split I could have asked for some child support, I didn’t because it was a small amount (like $200/month) and I didn’t want to jeopardize the custody amount.

OP here. I can't imagine him wanting 50/50 except so he wouldn't have to pay child support. As it is, DD and I are gone from the house most weeknights at her activities, so he basically lives the single life M-Th nights until we come home. The man has more free time than any husband and father I know. And he sure as sh*t doesn't use that time we are gone to clean or pick up. If anything, we come home and it's messier because he ordered takeout and can't clean up after himself.

Her certainly sounds like a slob with terrible habits and bad manners. No pride whatsoever.

Doesn’t really matter why. Just write him off, he’s a slob and selfish jerk. Doesn’t matter if driven by:
Misogyny
Narcissism
Mental or personality disorder
Thyroid
Work stress

He’s really self centered and lazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is he depressed? Low T? Hypothyroid? Does he smoke weed? The way you describe him, it seems as though something medical might be going on. I recommend a complete workup, including bloodwork.

Good luck, OP, things sound miserable.

Op here. Probably one or several of the above. I know he has a nicotine addiction because he vapes constantly when I'm not around and it's gotten significantly worse since he WFH full time in the last 3.5 years.

I am not a jump to divorce person, and would usually suggest counseling and/or working together using the Fair Play book and cards, but OP, your DH is a dead weight who contributes nothing but income.

I would separate.

[Anonymous]

What homework does an 8yo have?

[Anonymous]

He sounds like a terrible partner, and like he's just all around failing at adulting.

I wouldn't blame you if you wanted to divorce. Relationships should add value to our lives. There may be times in a long relationship when one person is struggling and needs some grace, but it sounds more like he's unmotivated and probably addicted to video games/his phone. Being together for your kid isn't nothing, but if your husband isn't providing anything (not even great sex?) you might as well just be single and have less stress and more freedom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What homework does an 8yo have?

OP here. It's not a huge amount, but she does have weekly math and reading homework. Did last year too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Before you divorce, stop doing anything that benefits him. No laundry, cooking, cleaning, etc. Don't help him find his car keys, buy a gift for his mother, or make his colonoscopy appointment. No affection or intimacy of course. Treat him like a platonic roommate you found on Craigslist. Then perhaps he will see all you do for him and how much work it is. Maybe he will start to appreciate you. But honestly, I doubt it! You have my blessing to skip straight to divorce if all that sounds unappealing.

Op here. I don't do his laundry, just mine and DD's. We outsource with a housecleaner 2x a month, but any other maintenance cleaning, like dishes, wiping down counters, taking out trash, picking up, vacuum, making the bed, etc. he just does not do. Not only that, he stays up late and leaves trash and dishes out when he goes to bed, so I come downstairs at 5am and start my day by picking up cereal bowls and snack wrappers.

He doesn't take DD to activities except the rare occasion I have an after work event. He has nothing to do with DD and school (homework, conferences, paper work, lunch money, etc). Never schedules or attends a dr appt. Never has bought her clothes, certainly couldn't tell you her clothing or shoe size.

There was one day I was WFH and I got DD ready, took her to the bus, came home, started work, worked for 2 hours and he was still sleeping. I waited to see how long he would sleep before realizing HE HAD WORK and I let him go till after 9:30 before I woke him up because then I worried he might miss a meeting and get fired and that would suck more than proving a point.

The only thing he appears to care about is work. He is focused and motivated there, but that's it. I've said multiple times that I can't do it all with the job I have. I'm literally drowning and am so tired.

He doesn't care about affection or intimacy, so that's not even a source of leverage. It feels hopeless.

I'm not sure how much he cares about his work if he's sleeping in during the work week.

At this point, I would not offload any childcare to him because I would be afraid he half a$$es it. I would not want my kid to be late to school or do badly on a HW because the dad couldn't be bothered. It's one thing to have the dad suffer, but another to let the kid suffer because the dad is such a lazy, selfish, ahole.

I think you guys need marital counseling.

I'll repeat: most men should not have children. They cannot handle it. They can just about handle their own lives: going to work, feeding himself. Throw in a young child who needs someone to do all that for them and more, and those men get lost.

OP here. Yeah, I don't know how he can be successful at work when he can't be trusted to wake up on his own, but somehow he's killing it at work. I think it's because that's where any and all energy/effort he has goes towards. He 8 year old DD is more responsible than him, as she wakes him up half the time so she can make it to school on time, but he does NOT let anything with work fall through the cracks. And then I feel like a crap mom for not being there while this is happening, but I need to be in by a certain time so I can leave early enough to do things like shuttle her to activities and/or make dinner (things he does not do).

I don't want to SAH (particularly if he's WFH), but I could stomach doing all of this a lot better if I wasn't also doing as much (or more) than him at my job. And also was the breadwinner for many years until recently.

[Anonymous]

OP, on a personal level are you getting anything out of this marriage? Like do you have date nights that you look forward to, do you have a one on one connection, etc?