Husband doesn't help with hardly anything

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Was he like this when you dated? When you were first married? Did you talk about division of labor before marriage and again before having kids? But yeah I'd divorce someone like that. Then maybe you'll have the bandwidth to work on an 8 yr old having temper tantrums, which she is 5 years too old for.

She probably learned this behavior from her father, who is likely 30-40 years too old for it.

[Anonymous]

I would ask him for a separation and find an apartment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a husband, this guy sounds burned out and depressed. I think couples counseling is generally over recommended - but he could seek therapy. For me, the telling thing is how much he’s shifted his behavior. He also needs to get more sleep and work on physical fitness.

Even without kids, sitting on the couch for 10 hours straight, eating cereal and snacks after bedtime, etc etc isn’t normal behavior.

Burnout from the last few years is totally understandable - but he needs to snap out of it.

Per OP, he's "killing it" at work. That doesn't sound like burnout to me.

That just sounds like he only wants to do things he cares about. He knows that OP will not let the kid ball drop; she cares too much, and he knows it.

He's a selfish a hole that is basically taking advantage of the fact that he knows OP will do everything. He talks the big talk because he feels like he's "the man", but he feels that childcare and household issues are beneath him.

FWIW, my DH is not like this at all, thank god. Otherwise we'd have a "come to Jesus" talk.

Yes I’d does. You can rally for work. Work will drop you faster than a spouse and if he looses his job that will speed up spouse leaving. Also the pay from work is basically a necessity for survival.

[Anonymous]

Do you make enough money to rent him a studio? He can work there and sleep there some nights. If it works better that way, get divorced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a husband, this guy sounds burned out and depressed. I think couples counseling is generally over recommended - but he could seek therapy. For me, the telling thing is how much he’s shifted his behavior. He also needs to get more sleep and work on physical fitness.

Even without kids, sitting on the couch for 10 hours straight, eating cereal and snacks after bedtime, etc etc isn’t normal behavior.

Burnout from the last few years is totally understandable - but he needs to snap out of it.

Per OP, he's "killing it" at work. That doesn't sound like burnout to me.

That just sounds like he only wants to do things he cares about. He knows that OP will not let the kid ball drop; she cares too much, and he knows it.

He's a selfish a hole that is basically taking advantage of the fact that he knows OP will do everything. He talks the big talk because he feels like he's "the man", but he feels that childcare and household issues are beneath him.

FWIW, my DH is not like this at all, thank god. Otherwise we'd have a "come to Jesus" talk.

Op here. I basically have given him a one year grace period at the new job (a grace period I didn't get when starting a new job with an infant, but I digress) and now I'm over it. I'm not sure at all what he could possibly be so burnout about. I have asked him if he's depressed and he says no. I truly just think he's lazy.

Yes I’d does. You can rally for work. Work will drop you faster than a spouse and if he looses his job that will speed up spouse leaving. Also the pay from work is basically a necessity for survival.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a husband, this guy sounds burned out and depressed. I think couples counseling is generally over recommended - but he could seek therapy. For me, the telling thing is how much he’s shifted his behavior. He also needs to get more sleep and work on physical fitness.

Even without kids, sitting on the couch for 10 hours straight, eating cereal and snacks after bedtime, etc etc isn’t normal behavior.

Burnout from the last few years is totally understandable - but he needs to snap out of it.

Per OP, he's "killing it" at work. That doesn't sound like burnout to me.

That just sounds like he only wants to do things he cares about. He knows that OP will not let the kid ball drop; she cares too much, and he knows it.

He's a selfish a hole that is basically taking advantage of the fact that he knows OP will do everything. He talks the big talk because he feels like he's "the man", but he feels that childcare and household issues are beneath him.

FWIW, my DH is not like this at all, thank god. Otherwise we'd have a "come to Jesus" talk.

Yes I’d does. You can rally for work. Work will drop you faster than a spouse and if he looses his job that will speed up spouse leaving. Also the pay from work is basically a necessity for survival.

Sorry, messed up quoting:
Op here. I basically have given him a one year grace period at the new job (a grace period I didn't get when starting a new job with an infant, but I digress) and now I'm over it. I'm not sure at all what he could possibly be so burnout about. I have asked him if he's depressed and he says no. I truly just think he's lazy.

[Anonymous]

OP, hope I'm wrong but if he's both still into fitness and his job while being checked out with you, plus he has lots of free time, could he be cheating? I'd keep my antennae up for that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a husband, this guy sounds burned out and depressed. I think couples counseling is generally over recommended - but he could seek therapy. For me, the telling thing is how much he’s shifted his behavior. He also needs to get more sleep and work on physical fitness.

Even without kids, sitting on the couch for 10 hours straight, eating cereal and snacks after bedtime, etc etc isn’t normal behavior.

Burnout from the last few years is totally understandable - but he needs to snap out of it.

Per OP, he's "killing it" at work. That doesn't sound like burnout to me.

That just sounds like he only wants to do things he cares about. He knows that OP will not let the kid ball drop; she cares too much, and he knows it.

He's a selfish a hole that is basically taking advantage of the fact that he knows OP will do everything. He talks the big talk because he feels like he's "the man", but he feels that childcare and household issues are beneath him.

FWIW, my DH is not like this at all, thank god. Otherwise we'd have a "come to Jesus" talk.

Yes I’d does. You can rally for work. Work will drop you faster than a spouse and if he looses his job that will speed up spouse leaving. Also the pay from work is basically a necessity for survival.

Nope, a truly depressed person would start to slack off at work, too.

I don't think this is a case of depression. More like, he is checked out at home because he's lazy as f*.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a husband, this guy sounds burned out and depressed. I think couples counseling is generally over recommended - but he could seek therapy. For me, the telling thing is how much he’s shifted his behavior. He also needs to get more sleep and work on physical fitness.

Even without kids, sitting on the couch for 10 hours straight, eating cereal and snacks after bedtime, etc etc isn’t normal behavior.

Burnout from the last few years is totally understandable - but he needs to snap out of it.

Per OP, he's "killing it" at work. That doesn't sound like burnout to me.

That just sounds like he only wants to do things he cares about. He knows that OP will not let the kid ball drop; she cares too much, and he knows it.

He's a selfish a hole that is basically taking advantage of the fact that he knows OP will do everything. He talks the big talk because he feels like he's "the man", but he feels that childcare and household issues are beneath him.

FWIW, my DH is not like this at all, thank god. Otherwise we'd have a "come to Jesus" talk.

Op here, it's this. To the PP that says he needs to work on physical fitness, he runs 5+ miles nearly everyday (yes, while vaping like crazy and smoking for a decade prior to that... no clue how). I don't see how he could be burned out. I'm burned out, but I do a whole hell of a lot more than him. He WFH in a quiet empty house all day, wakes up at like 7:30am, gets the house to himself most evenings, works out over his lunch break, doesn't cook/clean/grocery shop. I commute 30 minutes to/from an office every day (not to mention, have to do hair/makeup every day), get up at 5am, am almost never in my house alone (and definitely not for extended times) and do all cooking/grocery shopping and any maintenance cleaning between cleaning people coming. I mean, he even complains about the cleaning people I hired. It's annoying to him that they come when he's there ... but he never leaves!! I told him to feel free to hire someone else that would work around him not being there, even gave him some people to reach out to... nothing.

Oh geez. my useless DH also complains about the cleaners. Like seriously dude?

[Anonymous]

He has ADHD. Seriously, he's able to do well at work because he's able to focus on that one thing. Once work is over, he wants to "zone" into games, sleep, etc. and will use all kinds of techniques to avoid tasks that seem tedious or boring.
I have a teen son with ADHD and without meds, he acts exactly like this.

[Anonymous]

It is perfectly ok to get a divorce. It is perfectly ok to ask him to get a neuropsych screening for ADHD/ depression/etc. It is ok to decide to stay married and just do it all yourself.

Really, you just have to decide what you want to do and how miserable you are willing to be. Women make all kinds of different choices in this scenario.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a husband, this guy sounds burned out and depressed. I think couples counseling is generally over recommended - but he could seek therapy. For me, the telling thing is how much he’s shifted his behavior. He also needs to get more sleep and work on physical fitness.

Even without kids, sitting on the couch for 10 hours straight, eating cereal and snacks after bedtime, etc etc isn’t normal behavior.

Burnout from the last few years is totally understandable - but he needs to snap out of it.

Per OP, he's "killing it" at work. That doesn't sound like burnout to me.

That just sounds like he only wants to do things he cares about. He knows that OP will not let the kid ball drop; she cares too much, and he knows it.

He's a selfish a hole that is basically taking advantage of the fact that he knows OP will do everything. He talks the big talk because he feels like he's "the man", but he feels that childcare and household issues are beneath him.

FWIW, my DH is not like this at all, thank god. Otherwise we'd have a "come to Jesus" talk.

I’m the PP - I think you can be killing it at work and be burned out. Maybe even more why he’s such an oaf at home. He gives all of it to work and is totally depleted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is perfectly ok to get a divorce. It is perfectly ok to ask him to get a neuropsych screening for ADHD/ depression/etc. It is ok to decide to stay married and just do it all yourself.

Really, you just have to decide what you want to do and how miserable you are willing to be. Women make all kinds of different choices in this scenario.

Yes, exactly this. Give yourself permission to do what makes sense for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, hope I'm wrong but if he's both still into fitness and his job while being checked out with you, plus he has lots of free time, could he be cheating? I'd keep my antennae up for that.

OP here. I'd truly be shocked. I've checked his location a few times and he's always at home. I've come home at random times when he wasn't expecting me and he's always there, by himself. We have cameras so I'd know if someone else was there. I don't think he has the motivation to do that TBH. I know that sounds ridiculous as an outsider looking in, but I just don't get that feeling at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is perfectly ok to get a divorce. It is perfectly ok to ask him to get a neuropsych screening for ADHD/ depression/etc. It is ok to decide to stay married and just do it all yourself.

Really, you just have to decide what you want to do and how miserable you are willing to be. Women make all kinds of different choices in this scenario.

Yes, exactly this. Give yourself permission to do what makes sense for you.

Op here. I know. I just really do not want to get divorced. I just want him to wake the F up.