Written agreement as a compromise

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Spouse really wants a dog and I don’t. I don’t see the point of pet ownership to begin with but anyway, I’m thinking if this is a hill to die on, then I would want us to sign a written agreement first to indicate that Spouse understands I will spend zero time, money, and effort on this dog. This means that Spouse has to understand I’m never going to do any of the following such as walking the dog, paying for medical needs, or cleaning up dog poop/pee/vomit on the carpet. Spouse can do all of that and I do not want to help in any way with regards to the dog. Has anyone done this and how did it work out for you at home?

OP: Do you feel the same way about children ?

Frankly, if there aren’t two yeses, then both children and pets should be off the table.

x1000000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Okay but what would you do? Spouse just left for work and dog is whining at the empty water bowl. Do you give the dog a little water? Make spouse come back? Leave the dog thirsty even though you're home all day? Charge spouse a tax?

Trust me if the dog has diarrhea one day you won't be casually just leaving that for spouse's eventual return.

This won't work. Dogs are living beings. If you dislike them so much you will not like how much they affect your life. It will not be possible for the dog to be a spouse thing separate from you. There will be too many lines crossed. There will be too many possible situations you will have to step in, and ultimately the dog won't understand why it communicates to you but you won't meet its need thus making it really hard to properly train and socialize the dog.

Have you realized that what you described is why the OP doesn’t want a dog?

But the PPs point is that what she described is the exact reason an agreement wouldn’t work. It’s not logistically feasible for OP.

Then perhaps the spouse needs to be pro-active and do things to not make the dog OP’s responsibility when the spouse isn’t home. Like put the dog in a doggie daycare when they’re at work for example. Hire a dog walker. Clean up after the dog or hire someone.

[Anonymous]

What happens when your spouse is injured or ill, and the dog needs to be fed and pee and poo outside? What happens if the dog has a life or death emergency and your spouse is not there to drive him to the vet ER?

My husband did not want a dog, and told the kids and I that he wouldn't lift a finger for it. But in the 5 years we've had the dog, I've broken my toe, had Covid and had a difficult miscarriage. My husband HAD to step up, unless he wanted the dog to vomit of hunger (which he does, and then someone has to clean up), or have accidents in the house. And of course our money is joint money, so he pays for the dog's needs just as much as I do, which he's fine with. In 5 years, he's actually become fond of the dog, even though he'd never admit it.

So can you understand that there will be times in this dog's life when you will have to undertake dog-related tasks? And that any money spent on this dog is actually joint money, unless you completely separate your accounts?

If you understand that, then I think such an agreement, whether verbal or written, is workable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Okay but what would you do? Spouse just left for work and dog is whining at the empty water bowl. Do you give the dog a little water? Make spouse come back? Leave the dog thirsty even though you're home all day? Charge spouse a tax?

Trust me if the dog has diarrhea one day you won't be casually just leaving that for spouse's eventual return.

This won't work. Dogs are living beings. If you dislike them so much you will not like how much they affect your life. It will not be possible for the dog to be a spouse thing separate from you. There will be too many lines crossed. There will be too many possible situations you will have to step in, and ultimately the dog won't understand why it communicates to you but you won't meet its need thus making it really hard to properly train and socialize the dog.

Have you realized that what you described is why the OP doesn’t want a dog?

But the PPs point is that what she described is the exact reason an agreement wouldn’t work. It’s not logistically feasible for OP.

Then perhaps the spouse needs to be pro-active and do things to not make the dog OP’s responsibility when the spouse isn’t home. Like put the dog in a doggie daycare when they’re at work for example. Hire a dog walker. Clean up after the dog or hire someone.

It’s. Not. Feasible.

As the first PP said, you can’t account for every situation, and training is exponentially more difficult—if not impossible—if one party is ignoring the dog.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If one spouse doesn't want a dog as much as OP doesn't want a dog, there shouldn't be a dog

No kidding. Does your dh realize your level of hatred for dogs?

I don’t think hatred is an appropriate accusation. There’s no abuse intended. It’s like saying people who don’t want kids hate them.

Flat out refusal to attend to the dog's needs if necessary is abuse. What if her husband is ill, or in the hospital? Say he gets into a car accident and is hospitalized. According to Op's agreement she will ignore the dog. No food, no water, no trips outside. Neglect/abuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Okay but what would you do? Spouse just left for work and dog is whining at the empty water bowl. Do you give the dog a little water? Make spouse come back? Leave the dog thirsty even though you're home all day? Charge spouse a tax?

Trust me if the dog has diarrhea one day you won't be casually just leaving that for spouse's eventual return.

This won't work. Dogs are living beings. If you dislike them so much you will not like how much they affect your life. It will not be possible for the dog to be a spouse thing separate from you. There will be too many lines crossed. There will be too many possible situations you will have to step in, and ultimately the dog won't understand why it communicates to you but you won't meet its need thus making it really hard to properly train and socialize the dog.

Have you realized that what you described is why the OP doesn’t want a dog?

Are you obtuse? People like you are the bane of my existence. If you don't have the ability to follow along with the most basic format here - people read the opening post, people consider the OPs position, people respond to the opening post - may I suggest entertaining yourself elsewhere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Okay but what would you do? Spouse just left for work and dog is whining at the empty water bowl. Do you give the dog a little water? Make spouse come back? Leave the dog thirsty even though you're home all day? Charge spouse a tax?

Trust me if the dog has diarrhea one day you won't be casually just leaving that for spouse's eventual return.

This won't work. Dogs are living beings. If you dislike them so much you will not like how much they affect your life. It will not be possible for the dog to be a spouse thing separate from you. There will be too many lines crossed. There will be too many possible situations you will have to step in, and ultimately the dog won't understand why it communicates to you but you won't meet its need thus making it really hard to properly train and socialize the dog.

Have you realized that what you described is why the OP doesn’t want a dog?

But the PPs point is that what she described is the exact reason an agreement wouldn’t work. It’s not logistically feasible for OP.

Then perhaps the spouse needs to be pro-active and do things to not make the dog OP’s responsibility when the spouse isn’t home. Like put the dog in a doggie daycare when they’re at work for example. Hire a dog walker. Clean up after the dog or hire someone.

It’s. Not. Feasible.

As the first PP said, you can’t account for every situation, and training is exponentially more difficult—if not impossible—if one party is ignoring the dog.

Then how do single people have a dog? You make it sound like the spouse needs the OP’s assistance but why can’t the spouse just figure the dog out ?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Okay but what would you do? Spouse just left for work and dog is whining at the empty water bowl. Do you give the dog a little water? Make spouse come back? Leave the dog thirsty even though you're home all day? Charge spouse a tax?

Trust me if the dog has diarrhea one day you won't be casually just leaving that for spouse's eventual return.

This won't work. Dogs are living beings. If you dislike them so much you will not like how much they affect your life. It will not be possible for the dog to be a spouse thing separate from you. There will be too many lines crossed. There will be too many possible situations you will have to step in, and ultimately the dog won't understand why it communicates to you but you won't meet its need thus making it really hard to properly train and socialize the dog.

Have you realized that what you described is why the OP doesn’t want a dog?

Are you obtuse? People like you are the bane of my existence. If you don't have the ability to follow along with the most basic format here - people read the opening post, people consider the OPs position, people respond to the opening post - may I suggest entertaining yourself elsewhere.

You are obtuse if you cannot fathom why people who don’t want stress want to avoid stress.

[Anonymous]

Lol. My DH didn't want a dog and felt pretty much as you do. I insisted and I found a rescue puppy that needed a home and we adopted her. DH fell in love with the puppy on the way home from the adoption event. They've been inseparable since. When he thinks I'm not around I hear him baby talking to her. He has a fishing cabin and insists on taking her when he goes up there. He can't live without her for a weekend. YMMV.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My money says that she ends up loving the dog.

No. This doesn’t sound like someone who is just hesitant to have a dog because of logistical concerns. This is someone who actively seems to dislike dogs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Okay but what would you do? Spouse just left for work and dog is whining at the empty water bowl. Do you give the dog a little water? Make spouse come back? Leave the dog thirsty even though you're home all day? Charge spouse a tax?

Trust me if the dog has diarrhea one day you won't be casually just leaving that for spouse's eventual return.

This won't work. Dogs are living beings. If you dislike them so much you will not like how much they affect your life. It will not be possible for the dog to be a spouse thing separate from you. There will be too many lines crossed. There will be too many possible situations you will have to step in, and ultimately the dog won't understand why it communicates to you but you won't meet its need thus making it really hard to properly train and socialize the dog.

Have you realized that what you described is why the OP doesn’t want a dog?

But the PPs point is that what she described is the exact reason an agreement wouldn’t work. It’s not logistically feasible for OP.

Then perhaps the spouse needs to be pro-active and do things to not make the dog OP’s responsibility when the spouse isn’t home. Like put the dog in a doggie daycare when they’re at work for example. Hire a dog walker. Clean up after the dog or hire someone.

It’s. Not. Feasible.

As the first PP said, you can’t account for every situation, and training is exponentially more difficult—if not impossible—if one party is ignoring the dog.

Then how do single people have a dog? You make it sound like the spouse needs the OP’s assistance but why can’t the spouse just figure the dog out ?

You’re talking to a single woman with two dogs. One person being in the house with a dog is different from two people being in the house with only one managing dog duties.

When there are two people in the house, both people are living with the dog. The dog will be around both people; the dog wouldn’t just be around the care taker. When only one person (of two) is keeping up with training and corrections, the dog’s training will suffer. All people in the household will have to have a hand in taking care of the dog.

[Anonymous]

I'm the spouse who wanted a dog and my husband did not. He grew up in a different country where dogs are not kept as pets.

I told him I would do everything, and I have. I pay the insurance, I pay for doggie day care, I do the vet trips, I feed him, I train him, I walk him. My husband has never cleaned up poop or pee once. It is exhausting, but it is doable.

I don't see a need for a contract. Just an agreement that if he doesn't take care of the dog, you both agree to rehome the dog.

I lived almost 15 years without a dog, and I am so much happier with a dog. If I were ever forced to go without again, it would be divorce worthy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Okay but what would you do? Spouse just left for work and dog is whining at the empty water bowl. Do you give the dog a little water? Make spouse come back? Leave the dog thirsty even though you're home all day? Charge spouse a tax?

Trust me if the dog has diarrhea one day you won't be casually just leaving that for spouse's eventual return.

This won't work. Dogs are living beings. If you dislike them so much you will not like how much they affect your life. It will not be possible for the dog to be a spouse thing separate from you. There will be too many lines crossed. There will be too many possible situations you will have to step in, and ultimately the dog won't understand why it communicates to you but you won't meet its need thus making it really hard to properly train and socialize the dog.

Have you realized that what you described is why the OP doesn’t want a dog?

But the PPs point is that what she described is the exact reason an agreement wouldn’t work. It’s not logistically feasible for OP.

Then perhaps the spouse needs to be pro-active and do things to not make the dog OP’s responsibility when the spouse isn’t home. Like put the dog in a doggie daycare when they’re at work for example. Hire a dog walker. Clean up after the dog or hire someone.

It’s. Not. Feasible.

As the first PP said, you can’t account for every situation, and training is exponentially more difficult—if not impossible—if one party is ignoring the dog.

Then how do single people have a dog? You make it sound like the spouse needs the OP’s assistance but why can’t the spouse just figure the dog out ?

NP. I’ve had friends jump in to help with my cats when I was single. One cat sit for me for a week. One came and fed my cats when our cat sitter backed out at the last minute. One fed my cats the first day I was home after surgery and couldn’t get around (she was also caring for me!) plus a coworker covered for me once when I had to take a cat to the emergency vet. That’s over a ten year period, and cats are easier than dogs, but still. Sh*t happens.

If a neighbor texted me full of apologies, said he was stuck at work and asked me to run over and walk the dog, I’d happily do it (and I’m not a dog person). If I got there and his able bodied wife was just sitting there? I’d be pissed.

OP, honestly, if you really hate dogs THIS MUCH you should not get a dog. If he gets a dog, YOU need to be your husband’s emergency backup. That’s what marriage is.

It’s totally reasonable to demand that your husband handle all dog care as the regular order of things. If you’re concerned that he’d shirk that responsibility because of a history of responsibility-shirking, then absolutely do not get a dog! A “contract” isn’t going to solve that. If you think he’s unrealistic about dog care, maybe start by fostering and see how it goes. But if your husband has a dog, you’re not going to get through the dog’s whole life without ever walking him once. You need to accept that, or you need to not let a dog into your house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm the spouse who wanted a dog and my husband did not. He grew up in a different country where dogs are not kept as pets.

I told him I would do everything, and I have. I pay the insurance, I pay for doggie day care, I do the vet trips, I feed him, I train him, I walk him. My husband has never cleaned up poop or pee once. It is exhausting, but it is doable.

I don't see a need for a contract. Just an agreement that if he doesn't take care of the dog, you both agree to rehome the dog.

I lived almost 15 years without a dog, and I am so much happier with a dog. If I were ever forced to go without again, it would be divorce worthy.

Seems like your situation is closest to the OP’s. Has your husband stepped in if you were sick and couldn’t do anything?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Okay but what would you do? Spouse just left for work and dog is whining at the empty water bowl. Do you give the dog a little water? Make spouse come back? Leave the dog thirsty even though you're home all day? Charge spouse a tax?

Trust me if the dog has diarrhea one day you won't be casually just leaving that for spouse's eventual return.

This won't work. Dogs are living beings. If you dislike them so much you will not like how much they affect your life. It will not be possible for the dog to be a spouse thing separate from you. There will be too many lines crossed. There will be too many possible situations you will have to step in, and ultimately the dog won't understand why it communicates to you but you won't meet its need thus making it really hard to properly train and socialize the dog.

Have you realized that what you described is why the OP doesn’t want a dog?

But the PPs point is that what she described is the exact reason an agreement wouldn’t work. It’s not logistically feasible for OP.

Then perhaps the spouse needs to be pro-active and do things to not make the dog OP’s responsibility when the spouse isn’t home. Like put the dog in a doggie daycare when they’re at work for example. Hire a dog walker. Clean up after the dog or hire someone.

It’s. Not. Feasible.

As the first PP said, you can’t account for every situation, and training is exponentially more difficult—if not impossible—if one party is ignoring the dog.

Then how do single people have a dog? You make it sound like the spouse needs the OP’s assistance but why can’t the spouse just figure the dog out ?

Figuring the dog out is different for people who live alone than for people who live with other people. When I was single and had a dog, if she got sick while I was at work, I found out and dealt with it when I got home. If she'd been a barker when I was out, I'd expect the neighbors to complain, or at least let me know, and I'd deal with it. But when those things happen and there's someone else in the house, that's a different problem

Even if you agree that the other adult never has to be alone in the house with the dog, things happen. When there was an outbreak of canine flu last winter, our dog couldn't go to daycare. When other dogs have had surgery and needed to be coned and caged, they were fine (and kind of zonked out) for hours at a time. But if another person had been walking by and not giving them attention? That probably would have been a problem.

I'm not faulting OP for wanting a dog. I love dogs and I love lots of people who don't. I'm pointing out that paperwork isn't going to keep the dog from taking a hit because of her lack of interest in dogs.