Good friend that I looked up to is a cheater

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
If she's a genuinely close friend, you could feel as if you could ask her. Especially considering you gave her support when she was separating only 18 months ago. While I agree with a PP above that maybe her marriage was done long ago and she her then-DH were both seeing other people for longer than you know. But I also understand your feelings of unease around her new living arrangement. If she only got together with this BF in 2021 or so, it's very, very fast to involve kids and blend families living under the same roof, and for me that would indicate some rose-colored glasses on her part, which affects the kids.

It’s “very, very fast”? It was 2 years ago!

Many people with kids do not even introduce their kids to people they're only dating for many months or even a year or longer. Many posts over the years on this forum about waiting to introduce dates or new BF/GF to the kids.

In this case, the two adults are moving all their kids in together in what appears to be quite a bit less than two years. And both adults were married to other people until late 2022, according to OP.

Sounds like the adults here may be in a love fog (maybe a leftover affair fog...) and thinking more about themselves than about going slowly for the sake of their kids' adjustment. Those of us posting here can't know for sure, of course; we're strangers, speculating on the internet. You as much as me, PP.

The real point of the thread should be, what should OP do? I think OP should go with her gut and distance herself if she feels uncomfortable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, you have no idea. Maybe she and her husband had already
been separated for a long time and they agreed to see other people.

+1 people seemed surprised about our divorce, but what they didn’t know is that it was never a happy marriage, and we were basically living like we were separated from most of our 10-year marriage.

[Anonymous]

I have a friend who had an affair and made horrible choices during that time. We don’t live near each other and I think that is what might have saved our relationship b/c my friend did a lot of lying to a lot of people during the affair.

I’ve known her and her ex for over twenty years and their relationship was good on the surface, but not good at its core, and I’m pretty sure they both cheated on one another through the years. It was sad that their marriage ended, but devastating in the way that it ended.

My friend and I have managed to keep our friendship, but she lost most others. I’ve never cheated and couldn’t fathom doing what she did to my family. I don’t condone her actions in the slightest. When I was younger and much more judgmental I would have ended our friendship on principle. But now that I’m middle aged my perspective is different. Maybe what’s also different for us is that my friend knows and owns her mistakes, has done a lot of therapy, and been very open with me - there is no hiding the truth and she doesn’t try to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I love how this site will instantly condemn a parent for smoking a joint once and a while, then turn around and aggressively defend cheaters who blow up their families (and drag their kids down with them).

This is a feminist site. It’s even in the name.

[Anonymous]

This forum has a small group of very narrow-minded, punitive, people, and a cohort of virtue-signaling others. I understand that if you've been betrayed, the trauma is pervasive and everything that looks like it might be in the same vein will elicit a knee-jerk hate response... but the reality is that you never know what goes on in other people's marriages, and so it's unseemly to make assumptions.

[Anonymous]

The marriage was likely over long ago and they would have divorced anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I love how this site will instantly condemn a parent for smoking a joint once and a while, then turn around and aggressively defend cheaters who blow up their families (and drag their kids down with them).

This is a feminist site. It’s even in the name.

What? How does the name imply this is a feminist site?

DC= location in and ear Washington DC
Urban= referring to the location above, meaning in or near Washington DC
Mom’s and Dad’s= meaning people F/M that have children

What I don’t see is any mention of a particular ideology be it socio, political or religious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
This forum has a small group of very narrow-minded, punitive, people, and a cohort of virtue-signaling others. I understand that if you've been betrayed, the trauma is pervasive and everything that looks like it might be in the same vein will elicit a knee-jerk hate response... but the reality is that you never know what goes on in other people's marriages, and so it's unseemly to make assumptions.

...Which is why, if OP and this woman really are close friends, OP should feel she can ask her about this. Not in an accusatory way but cooly and factually. If OP doesnt want to do so, that probably indicates they're not as close as all that. Plus this woman no longer lives near OP. And even if there was no affair, the woman is showing what OP feels is questionable judgement re: merging families. OP has a right to feel what she feels about that aspect. Sounds like the friendship would cool based on distance anyway.

[Anonymous]

Maybe the kids are happy but we’re just temporarily sad because they had to put up with this nasty, judgmental visitor (op) in their home?

[Anonymous]

Do the slow fade.

[Anonymous]

We saw several sets of “friends” get divorced during Covid. I can’t help but think less of the “leavers” (in each marriage it was clearly instigated by one party only.) In one case, the now ex wife’s new boyfriend has a 3 year old and a 1 year old by his (now ex) wife and she just had a new baby by the same guy. So he was shacking up with her while his poor wife was still using nipple cream and hospital mesh underwear. What a keeper! /s

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I love how this site will instantly condemn a parent for smoking a joint once and a while, then turn around and aggressively defend cheaters who blow up their families (and drag their kids down with them).

This is a feminist site. It’s even in the name.

What? How does the name imply this is a feminist site?

DC= location in and ear Washington DC
Urban= referring to the location above, meaning in or near Washington DC
Mom’s and Dad’s= meaning people F/M that have children

What I don’t see is any mention of a particular ideology be it socio, political or religious.

Yeah, and Vassar is coed.

The site clearly has a lean toward Moms.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We saw several sets of “friends” get divorced during Covid. I can’t help but think less of the “leavers” (in each marriage it was clearly instigated by one party only.) In one case, the now ex wife’s new boyfriend has a 3 year old and a 1 year old by his (now ex) wife and she just had a new baby by the same guy. So he was shacking up with her while his poor wife was still using nipple cream and hospital mesh underwear. What a keeper! /s

Covid taught people that life is too short to stay with someone who has fallen behind. It allowed for a reshuffling akin to promotion and relegation in European football (soccer). The starter wife who gains weight gets relegated along with the schlub whose last promotion was four years ago. Meanwhile the guy who became a director at his firm realizes the starter wife spends too much time on the kids and is holding him back. He meets the schlub's wife when their kids both make the travel team, and recognizes just how attractive she is and how hot she would be if she wasn't wasting her time with the schlub and had a husband who funded high-end spa treatments along with a really good gym and well-designed cosmetic surgery and enhancements. She's smart and mature enough to appreciate the benefits the director supplies, and in turn knows how to in turn reward the director. So she's effectively promoted to be the new girlfriend and then wife in the Premier League with the Director, while the starter wife and the schlub wind up in the morass of the lower divisions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We saw several sets of “friends” get divorced during Covid. I can’t help but think less of the “leavers” (in each marriage it was clearly instigated by one party only.) In one case, the now ex wife’s new boyfriend has a 3 year old and a 1 year old by his (now ex) wife and she just had a new baby by the same guy. So he was shacking up with her while his poor wife was still using nipple cream and hospital mesh underwear. What a keeper! /s

Covid taught people that life is too short to stay with someone who has fallen behind. It allowed for a reshuffling akin to promotion and relegation in European football (soccer). The starter wife who gains weight gets relegated along with the schlub whose last promotion was four years ago. Meanwhile the guy who became a director at his firm realizes the starter wife spends too much time on the kids and is holding him back. He meets the schlub's wife when their kids both make the travel team, and recognizes just how attractive she is and how hot she would be if she wasn't wasting her time with the schlub and had a husband who funded high-end spa treatments along with a really good gym and well-designed cosmetic surgery and enhancements. She's smart and mature enough to appreciate the benefits the director supplies, and in turn knows how to in turn reward the director. So she's effectively promoted to be the new girlfriend and then wife in the Premier League with the Director, while the starter wife and the schlub wind up in the morass of the lower divisions.

I would never marry someone like this! If he did it to her, he’ll do it to me!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We saw several sets of “friends” get divorced during Covid. I can’t help but think less of the “leavers” (in each marriage it was clearly instigated by one party only.) In one case, the now ex wife’s new boyfriend has a 3 year old and a 1 year old by his (now ex) wife and she just had a new baby by the same guy. So he was shacking up with her while his poor wife was still using nipple cream and hospital mesh underwear. What a keeper! /s

Covid taught people that life is too short to stay with someone who has fallen behind. It allowed for a reshuffling akin to promotion and relegation in European football (soccer). The starter wife who gains weight gets relegated along with the schlub whose last promotion was four years ago. Meanwhile the guy who became a director at his firm realizes the starter wife spends too much time on the kids and is holding him back. He meets the schlub's wife when their kids both make the travel team, and recognizes just how attractive she is and how hot she would be if she wasn't wasting her time with the schlub and had a husband who funded high-end spa treatments along with a really good gym and well-designed cosmetic surgery and enhancements. She's smart and mature enough to appreciate the benefits the director supplies, and in turn knows how to in turn reward the director. So she's effectively promoted to be the new girlfriend and then wife in the Premier League with the Director, while the starter wife and the schlub wind up in the morass of the lower divisions.

Wouldn't it the opposite? Wouldn't spending time with the kids actually help the guy advance instead of holding him back. Because, you know, she's taking care of everything.