Good friend that I looked up to is a cheater

[Anonymous]

I found this out last night. She is a very accomplished professional and someone I looked up to and considered a good friend, although I no longer live in the same geographic area. I provided emotional support about a year and an half ago when she decided to separate from her husband. She said he was not “emotionally available” or words to that effect.

I just went to visit her yesterday at her new house to meet her “new boyfriend:” Turns out they bought the house together earlier this year, and his kids from his marriage are there for the weekend and have rooms there. The couple obviously are very familiar, and she let it slip that they have been together “since the height of the pandemic” (which I assume is the 2021 timeframe). Her divorce finalized late last year; he was still married as of fall last year. Maybe they low key dated while separating and jumped into the house once divorced. Who knows.

His two kids and her kid seemed really down, while the couple seemed happy. I’m not sure if I’m reacting to feeling bad for the kids, or the charade that this is a “new boyfriend” or her husband for being described as “emotionally unavailable” when she’s the one who stepped out. My feeling is that she’s selfish at the expense of the kids and the spouses involved. I’m feeling like she’s not the kind of person I want to be friends with anymore, which is something I never expected to feel about her.

[Anonymous]

You never know what goes on behind closed doors. Maybe this will help you see life as less than black & white.

[Anonymous]

OP you sound really immature. You have no idea what went on in your friends marriage. Some people are private like that. I am. My ex used to beat the crap out of me, but to my friends he’s a great catch.

[Anonymous]

You don't know if she cheated, you are making assumptions. You have no idea what went on in her marriage. If she seems happy, be happy that she is and that this blended family seems to be working.

[Anonymous]

I ended a friendship with a woman I thought I knew because of her cheating. When one person cheats someone's life gets ruined. She also wanted me to cover for her. NO.

[Anonymous]

Reverse the genders in this story and the previous posters would not be so sympathetic.

[Anonymous]

I love how this site will instantly condemn a parent for smoking a joint once and a while, then turn around and aggressively defend cheaters who blow up their families (and drag their kids down with them).

[Anonymous]

I’m less concerned about the cheating than the fast blending of families. That is incredibly selfish, and a recipe for disaster. Give it 5 years, 75% of second marriages with blended families fail.

[Anonymous]

Op, you have no idea. Maybe she and her husband had already been separated for a long time and they agreed to see other people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I found this out last night. She is a very accomplished professional and someone I looked up to and considered a good friend, although I no longer live in the same geographic area. I provided emotional support about a year and an half ago when she decided to separate from her husband. She said he was not “emotionally available” or words to that effect.

I just went to visit her yesterday at her new house to meet her “new boyfriend:” Turns out they bought the house together earlier this year, and his kids from his marriage are there for the weekend and have rooms there. The couple obviously are very familiar, and she let it slip that they have been together “since the height of the pandemic” (which I assume is the 2021 timeframe). Her divorce finalized late last year; he was still married as of fall last year. Maybe they low key dated while separating and jumped into the house once divorced. Who knows.

His two kids and her kid seemed really down, while the couple seemed happy. I’m not sure if I’m reacting to feeling bad for the kids, or the charade that this is a “new boyfriend” or her husband for being described as “emotionally unavailable” when she’s the one who stepped out. My feeling is that she’s selfish at the expense of the kids and the spouses involved. I’m feeling like she’s not the kind of person I want to be friends with anymore, which is something I never expected to feel about her.

So don't still be friends with her? I'm sure if she saw this post she wouldn't want anything to do with your judgment anyway.

[Anonymous]

She seems good at meeting new people. OP is water off her back.

[Anonymous]

If she's a genuinely close friend, you could feel as if you could ask her. Especially considering you gave her support when she was separating only 18 months ago. While I agree with a PP above that maybe her marriage was done long ago and she her then-DH were both seeing other people for longer than you know. But I also understand your feelings of unease around her new living arrangement. If she only got together with this BF in 2021 or so, it's very, very fast to involve kids and blend families living under the same roof, and for me that would indicate some rose-colored glasses on her part, which affects the kids.

[Anonymous]

I would stop making assumptions, OP. You are thinking all sorts of things about her that she never confirmed, and which not be true.

I really dislike people like you, frankly. What else are you making assumptions about? You must be judging people right and left with that sort of mindset.

[Anonymous]

Adding to post above: Consider that it's probably good that you and she are no longer in the same geographic area, OP. It's simpler to do a fade if you're not close enough to go to her house or feel you should reciprocate and ask her to your house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Adding to post above: Consider that it's probably good that you and she are no longer in the same geographic area, OP. It's simpler to do a fade if you're not close enough to go to her house or feel you should reciprocate and ask her to your house.

Ugh, sorry, adding to 14:45, I'm not the PP immediately above.