What really is the role of a parent of 21-30

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is hard not to give advice, because you have been where they are. And they are generally clueless /a babe in the woods

But I know I have to work to follow this advice.

It's also good to remember, though, that you probably actually haven't been where they are. The world changes. They are different people. Different economy, different social expectations, etc.

A lot of what you learned from your own 20s experience simply won't be relevant or useful to them now. Maybe some of the broad strokes about responsibility, saving money, building a career or picking a partner. But VERY broad strokes.

Trying to give your 20-something kid advice on stuff like interviewing, dressing, dating, socializing, based on your experience doing the same thing 20-30 years ago? You will mostly sound like a dinosaur.

I think a better tactic is to ask questions. Not a million questions but just relevant questions as they make choices and find their way. You ask to understand, and also in asking it might spur them to think about certain things. Like as they start their job search, own up to the fact that you don't know how it works now, and ask what the steps are these days. You'll learn something, and it will force them to think critically about that task as something with steps that can be explained.

Much better approach than to sit there and lecture them on stuff you haven't done in decades. You know a lot less than you think!

Strongly disagree here. You can absolutely give them advice on all of the above because, hopefully, being 20-30 years out you are able to see the big picture. Socializing - you don't want them to end up with shitty friends, and the definition of a shitty friend did not change in a few generations. Dating - you tell them to look for someone compatible that treats them with respect - those things haven't changed either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Using a sports metaphor:

Kid is born through the start of elementary school: You're a player + coach. You're on the field and playing an essential role in the game. Game doesn't happen without you.
Kid is in elementary school through middle school: You're the coach only - not on the field. You call some plays but you trust that your kid is learning how to make their own decisions. You support them when things don't go well and intervene on their behalf if things get wild.
Kid is in high school: You're the athletic trainer and your kid is the coach/player. They are starting to make bigger decisions about their life and you are now one of many influences. Your job is to help them prepare for and recover from the big and little things.
Kid is in college: You're a mentor and maybe a booster.
Kid is post-college: You're a cheerleader. That's it. It's important work, but your coaching, playing, and training days are done.

Should you be more than a cheerleader if there is still some type of financial dependency? The $$ support part muddles my thinking role wise.

PP here. Half of DCUM will roast me and they're welcome to have their own opinions here...but no, post college financial support should not be part of your regular relationship with your adult child. A safety net for emergencies? Sure. Paying their rent while they go to grad school in an expensive city? No.

You should be a cheerleader with a credit card frozen in a block of ice that can be thawed in cases of medical emergency. That's clunky to write though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Using a sports metaphor:

Kid is born through the start of elementary school: You're a player + coach. You're on the field and playing an essential role in the game. Game doesn't happen without you.
Kid is in elementary school through middle school: You're the coach only - not on the field. You call some plays but you trust that your kid is learning how to make their own decisions. You support them when things don't go well and intervene on their behalf if things get wild.
Kid is in high school: You're the athletic trainer and your kid is the coach/player. They are starting to make bigger decisions about their life and you are now one of many influences. Your job is to help them prepare for and recover from the big and little things.
Kid is in college: You're a mentor and maybe a booster.
Kid is post-college: You're a cheerleader. That's it. It's important work, but your coaching, playing, and training days are done.

Should you be more than a cheerleader if there is still some type of financial dependency? The $$ support part muddles my thinking role wise.

PP here. Half of DCUM will roast me and they're welcome to have their own opinions here...but no, post college financial support should not be part of your regular relationship with your adult child. A safety net for emergencies? Sure. Paying their rent while they go to grad school in an expensive city? No.

You should be a cheerleader with a credit card frozen in a block of ice that can be thawed in cases of medical emergency. That's clunky to write though.

I know people who sold plasma to make it through medical school and had sugar daddies to make it through law schools. If you can, help your grad/professional students with rent. There is no glory in making them suffer unnecessarily.

[Anonymous]

The last 6 months of college/first six months of real life have been a lot of work for us. We've edited a lot of resumes, for example. Then after they have a job, we've helped them move into their own apartment & co-sign a lease if necessary. The financial pieces including car insurance, health insurance, a credit card, filing their own taxes, a Roth account etc, also take some time. After that period things have been much easier and we talk about once a week, fly them home for holidays, and text occasionally. It has been great.

I agree with the pp that said to show your vulnerability. DH and I are getting older and we cannot parent them, or take responsibility for them, like we did when they were younger.

[Anonymous]

I am late 30s but still have hard feelings about how my dad expected to be involved in all decisions and would constantly grill me once I left for college. Things like grilling me on what grades I got, my job, finances. Whereas my mom immediately shifted to best friend/advisor and we had a very easy transition into adulthood. To me it seemed like my mom always trusted and believed in me unconditionally. Don't be like my dad.

(Situation might be different if your kid is struggling or not making good choices)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Using a sports metaphor:

Kid is born through the start of elementary school: You're a player + coach. You're on the field and playing an essential role in the game. Game doesn't happen without you.
Kid is in elementary school through middle school: You're the coach only - not on the field. You call some plays but you trust that your kid is learning how to make their own decisions. You support them when things don't go well and intervene on their behalf if things get wild.
Kid is in high school: You're the athletic trainer and your kid is the coach/player. They are starting to make bigger decisions about their life and you are now one of many influences. Your job is to help them prepare for and recover from the big and little things.
Kid is in college: You're a mentor and maybe a booster.
Kid is post-college: You're a cheerleader. That's it. It's important work, but your coaching, playing, and training days are done.

Should you be more than a cheerleader if there is still some type of financial dependency? The $$ support part muddles my thinking role wise.

PP here. Half of DCUM will roast me and they're welcome to have their own opinions here...but no, post college financial support should not be part of your regular relationship with your adult child. A safety net for emergencies? Sure. Paying their rent while they go to grad school in an expensive city? No.

You should be a cheerleader with a credit card frozen in a block of ice that can be thawed in cases of medical emergency. That's clunky to write though.

I know people who sold plasma to make it through medical school and had sugar daddies to make it through law schools. If you can, help your grad/professional students with rent. There is no glory in making them suffer unnecessarily.

I agree and am not saying that you should sit by smugly and let your child suffer. There is a difference between being a guarantor on their first lease because they don't have the 3x months rent in savings or a really high first salary to get the lease on their own (but they have made the budget and will be able to cover the actual monthly expenses) vs. paying 100% of their rent for years at a time. If they need that much financial support, then they need to move home or somewhere cheaper.
They, like every adult, need to learn how to budget, live within their means, and occasionally go without something they cannot really afford but would like to have/do.

[Anonymous]

Umm---remember that the "dinosaur" giving advice on job interviewing may also be doing interviewing/hiring of young people in their own profession, so not as much as a dinosaur as you might think. Of course, if my kid wants to go interview as a talent scout for a record company, then I have no relevant advice. But interviewing for a job in an office environment similar to my own---yeah---parents actually know stuff. I don't convey it by telling my kid directly though---I just say, "It was so sad today. This young person came in with a great resume, but didn't make eye contact, hadn't done any research about our company, and all they wanted to talk about was how much they wanted to work from home. We did not hire them."

[Anonymous]

IMO, guidance and friendship.

My oldest will be 22 soon and these are the roles I've taken on since she was around age 20.

[Anonymous]

I'm hoping to stay out of their lives.
I cannot advise them on interview or anything job related, but the company hiring the younger one must be crazy not to hire him if he ever goes into computer anything. The kid can do 14-hour days without a break.
I'm actually not even rooting for the younger one to work for anyone. He can make his own way with or without the inheritance he just received. My biggest fear is their safety, and then, pissing the money away.
I'll be the money manager. I think they will gladly leave to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Using a sports metaphor:

Kid is born through the start of elementary school: You're a player + coach. You're on the field and playing an essential role in the game. Game doesn't happen without you.
Kid is in elementary school through middle school: You're the coach only - not on the field. You call some plays but you trust that your kid is learning how to make their own decisions. You support them when things don't go well and intervene on their behalf if things get wild.
Kid is in high school: You're the athletic trainer and your kid is the coach/player. They are starting to make bigger decisions about their life and you are now one of many influences. Your job is to help them prepare for and recover from the big and little things.
Kid is in college: You're a mentor and maybe a booster.
Kid is post-college: You're a cheerleader. That's it. It's important work, but your coaching, playing, and training days are done.

Should you be more than a cheerleader if there is still some type of financial dependency? The $$ support part muddles my thinking role wise.

PP here. Half of DCUM will roast me and they're welcome to have their own opinions here...but no, post college financial support should not be part of your regular relationship with your adult child. A safety net for emergencies? Sure. Paying their rent while they go to grad school in an expensive city? No.

You should be a cheerleader with a credit card frozen in a block of ice that can be thawed in cases of medical emergency. That's clunky to write though.

Hi Mom! How’s that approach working for you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Using a sports metaphor:

Kid is born through the start of elementary school: You're a player + coach. You're on the field and playing an essential role in the game. Game doesn't happen without you.
Kid is in elementary school through middle school: You're the coach only - not on the field. You call some plays but you trust that your kid is learning how to make their own decisions. You support them when things don't go well and intervene on their behalf if things get wild.
Kid is in high school: You're the athletic trainer and your kid is the coach/player. They are starting to make bigger decisions about their life and you are now one of many influences. Your job is to help them prepare for and recover from the big and little things.
Kid is in college: You're a mentor and maybe a booster.
Kid is post-college: You're a cheerleader. That's it. It's important work, but your coaching, playing, and training days are done.

Should you be more than a cheerleader if there is still some type of financial dependency? The $$ support part muddles my thinking role wise.

PP here. Half of DCUM will roast me and they're welcome to have their own opinions here...but no, post college financial support should not be part of your regular relationship with your adult child. A safety net for emergencies? Sure. Paying their rent while they go to grad school in an expensive city? No.

You should be a cheerleader with a credit card frozen in a block of ice that can be thawed in cases of medical emergency. That's clunky to write though.

Hi Mom! How’s that approach working for you?

In my case, it has worked fine. As I said, everyone is entitled to their own opinions. I shared mine because that's the whole purpose of this thread. I can talk all day about what I think parents' roles are, but a parent's biggest role is to parent their own kid and I'm going to generally trust that the parents who strongly disagree with me are doing THEIR best for THEIR kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is hard not to give advice, because you have been where they are. And they are generally clueless /a babe in the woods

But I know I have to work to follow this advice.

It's also good to remember, though, that you probably actually haven't been where they are. The world changes. They are different people. Different economy, different social expectations, etc.

A lot of what you learned from your own 20s experience simply won't be relevant or useful to them now. Maybe some of the broad strokes about responsibility, saving money, building a career or picking a partner. But VERY broad strokes.

Trying to give your 20-something kid advice on stuff like interviewing, dressing, dating, socializing, based on your experience doing the same thing 20-30 years ago? You will mostly sound like a dinosaur.

I think a better tactic is to ask questions. Not a million questions but just relevant questions as they make choices and find their way. You ask to understand, and also in asking it might spur them to think about certain things. Like as they start their job search, own up to the fact that you don't know how it works now, and ask what the steps are these days. You'll learn something, and it will force them to think critically about that task as something with steps that can be explained.

Much better approach than to sit there and lecture them on stuff you haven't done in decades. You know a lot less than you think!

How old are you? My husband and I are 53 and 55. We have a 24 year old, 21 year old, and a 19 year old. We both hire, mentor, and manage employees. We are not dinosaurs that don't understand the hiring process. We are still years away from retirement. We've definitely provided career related advice (or connected our kids with friends in other industries). My 76 year old mother just retired 2 years ago and was mentoring colleagues up until she left.

I also lived with my husband before we got married and had sex with multiple men before my husband. Nothing my kids do are going to make me clutch my pearls. That being said, I do stay out of my kids' dating lives. I honestly don't want to know unless it is a partner they want me to meet of course.

[Anonymous]

Imho its an issue when they make decisions which make you bare repercussions, like traffic accident or violations while on your insurance or missing the rent when you are guarantor etc.

[Anonymous]

I hold my tongue on advice, though rarely because I just can't help myself, I blurt something out. Otherwise I have tried to not give unsolicited advice (and ... it's sooo rarely solicited) DS has his own car/health insurance. Has entered into 7 leases during/after college w/out our involvement. I think it's ordinary parent worry but I worry. Can only ballpark his salary and savings. But after college, my parents didn't know mine and I wouldn't have wanted it any other way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Umm---remember that the "dinosaur" giving advice on job interviewing may also be doing interviewing/hiring of young people in their own profession, so not as much as a dinosaur as you might think. Of course, if my kid wants to go interview as a talent scout for a record company, then I have no relevant advice. But interviewing for a job in an office environment similar to my own---yeah---parents actually know stuff. I don't convey it by telling my kid directly though---I just say, "It was so sad today. This young person came in with a great resume, but didn't make eye contact, hadn't done any research about our company, and all they wanted to talk about was how much they wanted to work from home. We did not hire them."

Your kid sees through that. They know you are trying to impress a lesson on them.

I would be careful about assuming that because you do hiring in your profession, that you know what your kids should do. Industries can be very distinct. I remember interviewing at law firms during law school and the advice my dad (who runs his own business and. has interviews a lot of people) gave was really not at all helpful. He looks for different things and as an entrepreneur, he's way less focused on academic credentials than law firms are. He thought he knew but he didn't, not really. I did better using advice from friends who had gone through the process more recently. Employers would have found my dad's approach off-putting.

I guess my point is: don't be arrogant. Your child is not 8 years old. If they have gotten through college, have a little bit experience working and interviewing, they may know more than you do. They definitely know more than you think they do. And your example of the person who didn't make eye contact or hadn't done research... those are things that ideally your kid has learned well before you're trying to impart this lesson at 22 or 23. If not, they may be mistakes they need to make and learn from themselves. Your advice just has less impact than you think it does.