What really is the role of a parent of 21-30

[Anonymous]

What are the the acceptable boundaries when it comes to young, unmarried adults and your parents? What role do you want your parents to play in your life or wanted when you were in that age range?

[Anonymous]

Depends whether they live at home or not.

[Anonymous]

My kids are teens, so I'm speaking from my own experience as a 20-something.

Be a safety net if they need help. Don't bail them out of every little thing - adults need to learn how to adult - but let them know that if the $h!t really hits the fan, you have their back. Encourage them to take reasonable risks in life, but talk to them about backup plans if it doesn't work out.

Start to treat them like adults. Talk to them the way you'd talk to your own friends. Within boundaries, of course. But it's OK to talk about budgeting, work, life planning, vacations, and everything else you talk to other normal adults about. Don't keep treating them like "a kid". But still let them know that you have their back.

Show your own vulnerability. You are going to have to start treating them as equals if you want a good adult:adult relationship going forward in life. Stop acting like you are "in charge" ... but you still have their back .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Depends whether they live at home or not.

Independent ones.

[Anonymous]

So my kids are still in college, so we're not quite there, but I have a tip from my own experience.

When your kids move out and become independent, don't continue to assume that you have any say in how they live their life.

Example, I met my DH when he was almost 30. We decided to move in together fairly quickly. His parents (one of them in particular) were VERY upset that he had neither asked their advice nor told them before we had signed a lease and moved. It was a fair amount of drama. (And the fact that he held his boundaries showed how he would deal with similar drama in the future, so it worked out okay for us). But I still have a hard time (20+ years later) with how much they expect to be involved in our day to day decision making. (And DH continues to be a master of boundary-keeping, thankfully)

[Anonymous]

My kids are mid to late 20s, unmarried, live on their own. I call them once in a while, they call me once in a while, we text one or two times a week. It's really just checking in. No advice given, unless specifically asked.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kids are mid to late 20s, unmarried, live on their own. I call them once in a while, they call me once in a while, we text one or two times a week. It's really just checking in. No advice given, unless specifically asked.

This exactly. They don’t want unsolicited advice.

[Anonymous]

Safety net
When asked, advisor

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Safety net
When asked, advisor

+1. There is little you need to do in this age range.

[Anonymous]

Agree with the PPs. Biggest advice is to stay out of it. Only give advice when asked. My own relationship with my parents was soured when they basically destroyed a relationship I was in because they didn’t like him. I realized they had far too much control in part because they would offer me money and I accepted and then they’d guilt me because of that money. I cut that off and refuse to take any money from them and got out from that control cycle

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Safety net
When asked, advisor

+1. There is little you need to do in this age range.

My oldest is one year out of college, and I generally agree with this - except I would add - within reason - "bank." I give my kids a hand as they get started - I'll co-sign a lease if they need me to, or as a gift give them a month's rent that they can put down for security deposit, let them stay on my phone plan for a while. I'm not handing them a trust fund, but I can help them avoid some of the struggles that come when you have no money and are just starting out. Obviously, my expectations are that as my child gets older this bank function of mine will fade away.

[Anonymous]

Cheerleader, friend, safety net.

[Anonymous]

It is hard not to give advice, because you have been where they are. And they are generally clueless /a babe in the woods

But I know I have to work to follow this advice.

[Anonymous]

I would say all of the above and indulge them when appropriate if it is feasible for you. We are celebrating a milestone this weekend for our daughter who lost out on a few things during COVID so we are hosting a lot more than usual and indulging more than usual. I try not to offer advice without being asked. And I think she knows that she can count on us by now.

[Anonymous]

You’re the person who will love them no matter what. Who will celebrate their victories and express pride and zip it/ not peon or “I told you so” when they screw up.
Who will give advice if they ask for it and listen but not jump in with a solution if they don’t.
Who will be there in person if they ask for help and provide a wallet (within reason and your budget) in the event of a serious problem/ emergency.
And who will look for ways to remain connected ad develop an adult relationship that respects their boundaries.