What really is the role of a parent of 21-30

[Anonymous]

I just entered my 30s and my parents were wonderful during that time. They were my cheerleaders, my safety net, and a little night light (a small, warm, reminder that even when things were dark it was ok).

As my cheerleaders, I enjoyed sharing all my first successes with them because they were so integral to it. My graduation, my first job offer, my first apt, my first promotion, my first grad school admission -- they were my first text. I so enjoyed sharing it with them because nothing was possible without them. It was every bit their success as it was mine.

As my night light, they provided me comfort when I moved to a different country for my career. My mom and dad would send me simple texts every few days saying "Hi. We miss you. Have a great day". I knew they were there and I could come home when needed.

As my safety net, they helped give me sound advice when asked and helped me make some braver decisions than I would have without them. For example, I paused my well-paying job to get a masters degree. It was a risk that thankfully paid off but I wouldn't have been able to do that without them.

I'm a very self sufficient person and my parents and I are not overly close or affectionate, but I have loved our evolving relationship as they move into new roles. My favorite one thus far for them is grandparent and babysitter

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just entered my 30s and my parents were wonderful during that time. They were my cheerleaders, my safety net, and a little night light (a small, warm, reminder that even when things were dark it was ok).

As my cheerleaders, I enjoyed sharing all my first successes with them because they were so integral to it. My graduation, my first job offer, my first apt, my first promotion, my first grad school admission -- they were my first text. I so enjoyed sharing it with them because nothing was possible without them. It was every bit their success as it was mine.

As my night light, they provided me comfort when I moved to a different country for my career. My mom and dad would send me simple texts every few days saying "Hi. We miss you. Have a great day". I knew they were there and I could come home when needed.

As my safety net, they helped give me sound advice when asked and helped me make some braver decisions than I would have without them. For example, I paused my well-paying job to get a masters degree. It was a risk that thankfully paid off but I wouldn't have been able to do that without them.

I'm a very self sufficient person and my parents and I are not overly close or affectionate, but I have loved our evolving relationship as they move into new roles. My favorite one thus far for them is grandparent and babysitter

This is awesome!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just entered my 30s and my parents were wonderful during that time. They were my cheerleaders, my safety net, and a little night light (a small, warm, reminder that even when things were dark it was ok).

As my cheerleaders, I enjoyed sharing all my first successes with them because they were so integral to it. My graduation, my first job offer, my first apt, my first promotion, my first grad school admission -- they were my first text. I so enjoyed sharing it with them because nothing was possible without them. It was every bit their success as it was mine.

As my night light, they provided me comfort when I moved to a different country for my career. My mom and dad would send me simple texts every few days saying "Hi. We miss you. Have a great day". I knew they were there and I could come home when needed.

As my safety net, they helped give me sound advice when asked and helped me make some braver decisions than I would have without them. For example, I paused my well-paying job to get a masters degree. It was a risk that thankfully paid off but I wouldn't have been able to do that without them.

I'm a very self sufficient person and my parents and I are not overly close or affectionate, but I have loved our evolving relationship as they move into new roles. My favorite one thus far for them is grandparent and babysitter

This is awesome!!!

+1 -- As the parent of two twenty-somethings and aunt of three more, I really appreciate your generosity in sharing this perspective. It's a great roadmap for where we probably all would love to go in our relationships with young adult children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Using a sports metaphor:

Kid is born through the start of elementary school: You're a player + coach. You're on the field and playing an essential role in the game. Game doesn't happen without you.
Kid is in elementary school through middle school: You're the coach only - not on the field. You call some plays but you trust that your kid is learning how to make their own decisions. You support them when things don't go well and intervene on their behalf if things get wild.
Kid is in high school: You're the athletic trainer and your kid is the coach/player. They are starting to make bigger decisions about their life and you are now one of many influences. Your job is to help them prepare for and recover from the big and little things.
Kid is in college: You're a mentor and maybe a booster.
Kid is post-college: You're a cheerleader. That's it. It's important work, but your coaching, playing, and training days are done.

Should you be more than a cheerleader if there is still some type of financial dependency? The $$ support part muddles my thinking role wise.

PP here. Half of DCUM will roast me and they're welcome to have their own opinions here...but no, post college financial support should not be part of your regular relationship with your adult child. A safety net for emergencies? Sure. Paying their rent while they go to grad school in an expensive city? No.

You should be a cheerleader with a credit card frozen in a block of ice that can be thawed in cases of medical emergency. That's clunky to write though.

I know people who sold plasma to make it through medical school and had sugar daddies to make it through law schools. If you can, help your grad/professional students with rent. There is no glory in making them suffer unnecessarily.

I agree and am not saying that you should sit by smugly and let your child suffer. There is a difference between being a guarantor on their first lease because they don't have the 3x months rent in savings or a really high first salary to get the lease on their own (but they have made the budget and will be able to cover the actual monthly expenses) vs. paying 100% of their rent for years at a time. If they need that much financial support, then they need to move home or somewhere cheaper.
They, like every adult, need to learn how to budget, live within their means, and occasionally go without something they cannot really afford but would like to have/do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kids are mid to late 20s, unmarried, live on their own. I call them once in a while, they call me once in a while, we text one or two times a week. It's really just checking in. No advice given, unless specifically asked.

This