How to broach this issue with rich friend?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When you say “to be honest . . . I find it unappealing” that sounds like you might actually be a wee bit jealous. Whether you realize it or not.

Ask yourself this: if she was bending your ear about stuff NOT related to money that you also couldn’t really relate to, would you feel the same way? If not, then yea it really IS the money.

Op here. And I really mean it when I say that talking to her makes the money seem unappealing. Like talking about the giant house they are going to buy and all the stuff that goes into it (like having a house that basically requires full time staff) sounds unappealing to me. So does a lot of the stress around the very elite privates they are applying to. Talking to her has actually made me appreciate my own life a bit more because it really does sound very stressful.

But to answer your question, yes, if she was going on and on in this same way about like a really specific-to-her work issue (while never really taking time to listen to me talk about my job) or something else non-money related, I would feel the same way. I feel like all we do now is talk about her life. Like I said, I have stuff going on in my life, too. But I feel like it gets short shrift both because she is so anxious and focused on these big changes in her life, and because I think something like me dealing with my kid's special needs or my DH and I managing some issues with my MIL's declining health, don't have the immediacy and largeness of the stuff she is currently worrying about. Basically whenever I share anything about my own life, I feel like it just becomes a jumping off point for her to launch into a monologue about her stuff, and that is the source of my resentment. Not the money.

You can believe me or not.

Thanks for responding. I believe you fine. I was just trying to help you think it through.

My very best friend and I both had husbands in different firms in big law. While we never compared numbers, our husbands were probably making almost the same amount of money. When my husband made partner and her didn’t it changed everything. Especially among the guys. Both my husband and I went to great lengths to avoid discussing anything money related with our friends - which wasn’t hard because we never talked about that kind of stuff before anyway - but the jealousy was palpable still and it permanently affected our friendship. Honestly, I never really understood it. Just like I kind of don’t in your case. I mean, it’s not like you’re poor or anything. Apparently you’re not wanting for anything at all. There’s a big difference between having a huge house and not having a huge house and having fancy vacations and just OK vacations and being homeless or sick or living on the streets or whatever. You know what I mean. At its core your life situation and hers really aren’t that much different.

[Anonymous]

Sometimes things are best discussed with peers. I will listen to a friend briefly describe her kid’s hockey season, but I am not interested in hour long monologues about different teams and leagues. I’ll listen to someone mention their horse, but I don’t want to know all the details of horse care. I’ll look at a couple of pictures of someone’s Disney vacation, but don’t want a play by play of every day.
She really needs someone in a similar situation to discuss these things with in depth. It sounds really boring and I think I would have to take a break from the friendship if I were you.

[Anonymous]

Tacky! I wouldn’t be available to hang out with her much more.

[Anonymous]

someone posted up thread about saying hey this is a lot, do you want to go see barbie and have drinks? I think you should plan and suggest an activity and don't put it in her head why. See what happens.

[Anonymous]

I had a close childhood friend get a 33 million dollar buy out. It ruined the freindship. And it got tiresome defedimg accusations of jealousy.

I'd just drop them. This is your life to live. You're not a supporting role in theirs

[Anonymous]

OP the dynamic is this: You think your friend should have no problems because she is suddenly rich.

Your friend is not understanding why you don't care about her country club politics.

There is a middle ground, and neither of you have it on your radar or any natural inclinations toward the middle ground in regard to this subject. Maybe neither of you care to see the middle ground, maybe you both just want to be heard. Or maybe both.

And that is fine - But it means acting like friends, and giving each other equal air time.

I know rich people that are great listeners, and poor people that are terrible listeners, and you can't get a word in edgewise. And vice versa.

The issue is that you don't want to be on the defensive because your friend is rich - because then, it looks like you are jealous (whether or not you are).

As for the person who brought up someone's mother dying - you are absolutely hopeless if you can not bring yourself to be helpful when your "friend's" mother (or father) dies. You are not a friend, at all.

It's like the friend with the A+ students (intrinsically, with literally no tutors - because their parents are smart) and the other friend with the kids who are good athletes (because their parents are good athletes). One doesn't have to resent the other, if you are true friends.

Or maybe just stick to people more in your situation, whatever that situation might be - if that is the only way you will find peace, but that is not a realistic expectation of friendship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes things are best discussed with peers. I will listen to a friend briefly describe her kid’s hockey season, but I am not interested in hour long monologues about different teams and leagues. I’ll listen to someone mention their horse, but I don’t want to know all the details of horse care. I’ll look at a couple of pictures of someone’s Disney vacation, but don’t want a play by play of every day.
She really needs someone in a similar situation to discuss these things with in depth. It sounds really boring and I think I would have to take a break from the friendship if I were you.

+1

If you can't get a word in edgewise, what is the fun, OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We are a reasonably well off UMC family. No complaints about our finances or lifestyle.

We are friends with a family who used to be kind of in our ballpark financially, but in the last few years have moved into a much, much higher income bracket. I feel like the family friendship has handled that shift really well -- our kids are still great friends, and when we all get together, our dynamic is pretty much the same.

But when I get together 1:1 with just my fellow mom friend, the dynamic has changed quite a bit and I'm starting to feel a little frustrated. The main thing is that as their income has gone up, it has changed a bunch of stuff about her life and I think there's some anxiety there from all the change. Stuff like joining a country club, taking much more extravagant vacations, shopping for a house upgrade, etc. It all makes sense for their new financial situation but she just talks about this stuff sooooo much. Our conversations have become very one-sided and the stuff she's talking to me about, I can't relate to at all. Like I can see how buying a 10 million dollar house is stressful and huge, but I have a limited amount I can contribute to that conversation. Especially because she's not really in the mood for joking about it -- she's capital S stressed.

The last 3-4x we've hung out, I've listened to her talk at length about financial investments, private schools, real estate, and vacation planning. These conversations are weirdly joyless -- she is essentially complaining but then she'll throw in "I know it's a good problem to have" or "I know how lucky we are." I'm not judging her. I get this transition has been weird. But I have stuff going on in my own life and I'm starting to feel like I'm just there to provide emotional support to her as she struggles with getting super rich. I feel like it's something she she talk to a professional about, and I'd love to get back to more give and take and discussing things that we can both relate to (kids generally, celebrity gossip, health/exercise, books and movies, etc. -- the fun stuff!).

How do I raise this with her? I don't want to come off as resentful (and I really am not, to be honest she is making their sudden wealthy look kind of unappealing) and I don't want to hurt her feelings or lose her as a friend. But I also don't want this dynamic to continue because if it does I don't think our friendship will survive it.

Either be happy for her, and play nice - like an adult - or, if you can't those things without being a user or being resentful, it is time to move on. Fairly easy, OP.

Incidentally, why so many buyouts lately? My neighborhood is full of 30 somethings buying their first home, which is big and new.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are a reasonably well off UMC family. No complaints about our finances or lifestyle.

We are friends with a family who used to be kind of in our ballpark financially, but in the last few years have moved into a much, much higher income bracket. I feel like the family friendship has handled that shift really well -- our kids are still great friends, and when we all get together, our dynamic is pretty much the same.

But when I get together 1:1 with just my fellow mom friend, the dynamic has changed quite a bit and I'm starting to feel a little frustrated. The main thing is that as their income has gone up, it has changed a bunch of stuff about her life and I think there's some anxiety there from all the change. Stuff like joining a country club, taking much more extravagant vacations, shopping for a house upgrade, etc. It all makes sense for their new financial situation but she just talks about this stuff sooooo much. Our conversations have become very one-sided and the stuff she's talking to me about, I can't relate to at all. Like I can see how buying a 10 million dollar house is stressful and huge, but I have a limited amount I can contribute to that conversation. Especially because she's not really in the mood for joking about it -- she's capital S stressed.

The last 3-4x we've hung out, I've listened to her talk at length about financial investments, private schools, real estate, and vacation planning. These conversations are weirdly joyless -- she is essentially complaining but then she'll throw in "I know it's a good problem to have" or "I know how lucky we are." I'm not judging her. I get this transition has been weird. But I have stuff going on in my own life and I'm starting to feel like I'm just there to provide emotional support to her as she struggles with getting super rich. I feel like it's something she she talk to a professional about, and I'd love to get back to more give and take and discussing things that we can both relate to (kids generally, celebrity gossip, health/exercise, books and movies, etc. -- the fun stuff!).

How do I raise this with her? I don't want to come off as resentful (and I really am not, to be honest she is making their sudden wealthy look kind of unappealing) and I don't want to hurt her feelings or lose her as a friend. But I also don't want this dynamic to continue because if it does I don't think our friendship will survive it.

Either be happy for her, and play nice - like an adult - or, if you can't those things without being a user or being resentful, it is time to move on. Fairly easy, OP.

Incidentally, why so many buyouts lately? My neighborhood is full of 30 somethings buying their first home, which is big and new.

*do

[Anonymous]

Can you change the subject? She does sound tone deaf and tiresome.

[Anonymous]

You say, "I have a limited amount I can contribute to that conversation ... " "We'll need to find some topics in common." It's ok to say this. Better to say this than to have a friendship die. Likely, say it more than once. And you initiate about some of the fun stuff you use to talk about. Also be open to travel planning, you might be able to find common ground re: destinations, traveling with relatives, relationships, etc. If the friendship between you two is still too one-sided, maybe this will only be a friendship between families.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are a reasonably well off UMC family. No complaints about our finances or lifestyle.

We are friends with a family who used to be kind of in our ballpark financially, but in the last few years have moved into a much, much higher income bracket. I feel like the family friendship has handled that shift really well -- our kids are still great friends, and when we all get together, our dynamic is pretty much the same.

But when I get together 1:1 with just my fellow mom friend, the dynamic has changed quite a bit and I'm starting to feel a little frustrated. The main thing is that as their income has gone up, it has changed a bunch of stuff about her life and I think there's some anxiety there from all the change. Stuff like joining a country club, taking much more extravagant vacations, shopping for a house upgrade, etc. It all makes sense for their new financial situation but she just talks about this stuff sooooo much. Our conversations have become very one-sided and the stuff she's talking to me about, I can't relate to at all. Like I can see how buying a 10 million dollar house is stressful and huge, but I have a limited amount I can contribute to that conversation. Especially because she's not really in the mood for joking about it -- she's capital S stressed.

The last 3-4x we've hung out, I've listened to her talk at length about financial investments, private schools, real estate, and vacation planning. These conversations are weirdly joyless -- she is essentially complaining but then she'll throw in "I know it's a good problem to have" or "I know how lucky we are." I'm not judging her. I get this transition has been weird. But I have stuff going on in my own life and I'm starting to feel like I'm just there to provide emotional support to her as she struggles with getting super rich. I feel like it's something she she talk to a professional about, and I'd love to get back to more give and take and discussing things that we can both relate to (kids generally, celebrity gossip, health/exercise, books and movies, etc. -- the fun stuff!).

How do I raise this with her? I don't want to come off as resentful (and I really am not, to be honest she is making their sudden wealthy look kind of unappealing) and I don't want to hurt her feelings or lose her as a friend. But I also don't want this dynamic to continue because if it does I don't think our friendship will survive it.

Either be happy for her, and play nice - like an adult - or, if you can't those things without being a user or being resentful, it is time to move on. Fairly easy, OP.

Incidentally, why so many buyouts lately? My neighborhood is full of 30 somethings buying their first home, which is big and new.

What in the OP makes you think anyone is "being a user or being resentful"? The issue is one friend dominating conversations because of major changes in their life and not making an effort to be reciprocal or listen to their friend talk about what is going on in their life.

[Anonymous]

I feel like part of the question here is whether coming into this money is making this friend feel like she actually is better and more important. Because that is how she is acting. Perhaps unintentional, but when you dominate conversation and talk endlessly about what is going on with you without much interest or effort in the other person, you are communicating to them that they don't matter to you.

[Anonymous]

She’s gawking at her own wealth. She thinks she’s spending too much too fast and she’s offloading all her anxiety onto you as a coping mechanism.

[Anonymous]

Yup…money ALWAYS changes the dynamic.