How to broach this issue with rich friend?

[Anonymous]

That doesn’t sound like a big deal OP. She actually seems pretty authentic and not like many fake “everything is spectacular” rich or MC people.

Moving houses sux, and takes months to unpack.
Picking a new tax guy sux too. And the stakes can be high.
Worrying about your kids is worrying about your kids.
More choices is more to think and do.

Why don’t you have 2 or so topics YOU want to speak about, call her up, say *you need* someone to bounce some things off of- can she listen and talk, do a hang out or lunch or wine night.

See if she is still a good friend and listener. Down to earth. Can have a back and forth convo about something you want or need.
If she can, she’s a good friend who has a lot on her plate.
If she cannot, well she’s too preoccupied. And you can tell her that. Many suddenly rich or successful people can later regret what the money did to their family’s values.
Now she can be a good listener and later bring up some new topics. You are mature, you can handle someone bringing up their life. That’s not a ding. A ding is if she glosses over you and your authentic topics.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When you say “to be honest . . . I find it unappealing” that sounds like you might actually be a wee bit jealous. Whether you realize it or not.

Ask yourself this: if she was bending your ear about stuff NOT related to money that you also couldn’t really relate to, would you feel the same way? If not, then yea it really IS the money.

Anytime anyone says “to be honest…” it implies they sometimes aren’t honest unless saying that prelude.

Nix that dumb phrase asap.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When you say “to be honest . . . I find it unappealing” that sounds like you might actually be a wee bit jealous. Whether you realize it or not.

Ask yourself this: if she was bending your ear about stuff NOT related to money that you also couldn’t really relate to, would you feel the same way? If not, then yea it really IS the money.

Op here. And I really mean it when I say that talking to her makes the money seem unappealing. Like talking about the giant house they are going to buy and all the stuff that goes into it (like having a house that basically requires full time staff) sounds unappealing to me. So does a lot of the stress around the very elite privates they are applying to. Talking to her has actually made me appreciate my own life a bit more because it really does sound very stressful.

But to answer your question, yes, if she was going on and on in this same way about like a really specific-to-her work issue (while never really taking time to listen to me talk about my job) or something else non-money related, I would feel the same way. I feel like all we do now is talk about her life. Like I said, I have stuff going on in my life, too. But I feel like it gets short shrift both because she is so anxious and focused on these big changes in her life, and because I think something like me dealing with my kid's special needs or my DH and I managing some issues with my MIL's declining health, don't have the immediacy and largeness of the stuff she is currently worrying about. Basically whenever I share anything about my own life, I feel like it just becomes a jumping off point for her to launch into a monologue about her stuff, and that is the source of my resentment. Not the money.

You can believe me or not.

Elite privates? Like boarding school?
This obviously is not Washington DC area. Where are you based Op?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When a friend is stressed, the conversation may not be balanced.

She is still the person she was.

I think perhaps you feel less supportive because from afar, her "problems" seem like privilege, but in her life, it feels stressful.

Focus on that more than the amounts each thing costs (like she is house or school shopping, not why)

And if you need to talk, about your own things, speak up.

I do speak up. When I do, she steers the conversation back to her stuff. I think it's because of her anxiety about what is going on with her life, but she is simply not interested in what is going on in my life right now. It's hard.

What does she respond about your SN kids or ill elderly family member? Anything? Is there a back and forth conversation on it- stories shared, ideas, suggestions, intros to other people?

Do you have those convos with other people or lead topics?

[Anonymous]

I can see both sides. I recently tried to talk to a friend about a financial/lifestyle issue and really felt let down because she kept turning the discussion to her financial concerns. I’m not wealthy and probably don’t have more assets than her overall, but our financial situations are different and that clearly triggered some things with her. It was such a bummer that she couldn’t just listen and let me bounce some thoughts off of her. I wouldn’t do that with just anybody - I trust her and respect her opinion. It made me feel really lonely because I’m single and it’s hard for me to find anyone to talk to bluntly about plans I’m making for the future. Even close friends and certain family, people I usually can share things with, can seem jealous if I get into specific details.

I’m not saying that your friend shouldn’t make time to listen to you, OP. You should absolutely ask her to give you some time. But you may want to consider that she doesn’t have many people she can trust to talk to either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP the dynamic is this: You think your friend should have no problems because she is suddenly rich.

Your friend is not understanding why you don't care about her country club politics.

There is a middle ground, and neither of you have it on your radar or any natural inclinations toward the middle ground in regard to this subject. Maybe neither of you care to see the middle ground, maybe you both just want to be heard. Or maybe both.

And that is fine - But it means acting like friends, and giving each other equal air time.

I know rich people that are great listeners, and poor people that are terrible listeners, and you can't get a word in edgewise. And vice versa.

The issue is that you don't want to be on the defensive because your friend is rich - because then, it looks like you are jealous (whether or not you are).

As for the person who brought up someone's mother dying - you are absolutely hopeless if you can not bring yourself to be helpful when your "friend's" mother (or father) dies. You are not a friend, at all.

It's like the friend with the A+ students (intrinsically, with literally no tutors - because their parents are smart) and the other friend with the kids who are good athletes (because their parents are good athletes). One doesn't have to resent the other, if you are true friends.

Or maybe just stick to people more in your situation, whatever that situation might be - if that is the only way you will find peace, but that is not a realistic expectation of friendship.

NP here. I am the new rich friend. I didn’t necessarily have a windfall but my DH earns a few million per year. I stopped working when my third was born and then Covid happened so have been a SAHM.

I am in my mid forties and this seems like a strange time for friendships. Many of my friends are going through some sort of hardship whether it be financial, teen mental health, children with special needs, marital problems, etc.

I try to be a good friend and not talk about money. I do like to travel and used to think this was common light conversation. Over the years, I have learned vacation can be a huge point of contention in families and people indeed get jealous of travel.

Everyone has different problems. Almost every single mom friend has been complaining about work from home disappearing. How could she possibly commute to work and take Johnny to soccer after school? I had one friend be upset because her new boss was keeping tabs on her when she worked from home. She used to work out, go to kid stuff, run errands, get nails done, etc. with no one checking up on her and now her boss will occasionally call her during working hours and wonder where she is. Some friends had parents pass recently. Others have parents with health problems. It just feels like a not so great time In everyone’s life.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like she is just not being a very good friend right now. If she were to talk all about her rich person problems but also express interest in you and offer you support, then you'd overlook the rich person stuff, right? That's the vibe I'm getting.

I'm wealthier than my friends too, but I generally (try to) eschew rich person stuff just for its own sake (with the exception of owning a second home). Our kids go to public schools, I try to be anti-consumption and use things until they wear out, etc. I'm sure I do trigger envy when I talk about our vacations or second home, but there's enough common ground from staying in our regular neighborhood, joining the cheap neighborhood pool, keeping our kids in public, etc., that I think that makes it easier to maintain friendships.

It kind of sounds like your friend thinks she *has* to do this stuff just because she's rich, and it's making her unhappy. But that's neither here nor there when it comes to whether this friendship is worth maintaining. For your part, you just need to decide if this friendship is serving you any more, or if it's irreparably one-sided now. If you want to give it another chance, I'd probably spell it out . . . "Hey, I really need a friend right now. Do you have the bandwidth to listen to all my 'stuff'?"

[Anonymous]

Just give her a good hint in a joking way- "boy you seem to have a lot of rich people's problems now- sounds kind of tough but hard for me to relate to-ha ha" If she has any clue she'll get the message and tone it down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, she wants to talk about her problems (yes, rich people problems, but still problems to her) and you want to discuss celebrity gossip? Who is the jerk in this scenario?

Is this a willful misreading? OP says that all her friend wants to talk about are her rich-person problems, and OP would like to talk about all the things they have in common, which includes kids, books and movies. One-sided conversations are boring, and if it's every time, I can see it being an issue.

But this is through OP's lenses. I would understand if OP were dirt poor and her friend wanted to talk about buying a house. But OP is a homeowner too, buying a house IS stressful at any level, and the concerns, once you remove the price tags are pretty similar. Ditto for many other things

[Anonymous]

I would have tons and tons of follow-up questions for her about being this rich, including: “Do you feel happier overall now or is it more like the stress is overtaking it?”

Not snarky. Genuinely curious. If she can’t tolerate questions, the friendship is not long for this world anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here is what I would say, “ If a house is causing you this much stress, why are you moving?”

This. People generating their own problems with their choices gets old.

[Anonymous]

"You don't seem interested in what is going on in my life right now. And it's hard."

Speak your words, Op.
Better to speak your words and see what happens. Better that, than letting the relationship die, without question.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like she is just not being a very good friend right now. If she were to talk all about her rich person problems but also express interest in you and offer you support, then you'd overlook the rich person stuff, right? That's the vibe I'm getting.

I'm wealthier than my friends too, but I generally (try to) eschew rich person stuff just for its own sake (with the exception of owning a second home). Our kids go to public schools, I try to be anti-consumption and use things until they wear out, etc. I'm sure I do trigger envy when I talk about our vacations or second home, but there's enough common ground from staying in our regular neighborhood, joining the cheap neighborhood pool, keeping our kids in public, etc., that I think that makes it easier to maintain friendships.

It kind of sounds like your friend thinks she *has* to do this stuff just because she's rich, and it's making her unhappy. But that's neither here nor there when it comes to whether this friendship is worth maintaining. For your part, you just need to decide if this friendship is serving you any more, or if it's irreparably one-sided now. If you want to give it another chance, I'd probably spell it out . . . "Hey, I really need a friend right now. Do you have the bandwidth to listen to all my 'stuff'?"

Exactly. Most people don't have a lot of money. When someone does get a lot of money, it reveals their true character. Some people have greedy, materialistic, ugly character.

If someone falls into moemy and doesn't use it to help people, and just complains about inconvenient all these darn luxuries are, why waste your time on this person?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like she is just not being a very good friend right now. If she were to talk all about her rich person problems but also express interest in you and offer you support, then you'd overlook the rich person stuff, right? That's the vibe I'm getting.

I'm wealthier than my friends too, but I generally (try to) eschew rich person stuff just for its own sake (with the exception of owning a second home). Our kids go to public schools, I try to be anti-consumption and use things until they wear out, etc. I'm sure I do trigger envy when I talk about our vacations or second home, but there's enough common ground from staying in our regular neighborhood, joining the cheap neighborhood pool, keeping our kids in public, etc., that I think that makes it easier to maintain friendships.

It kind of sounds like your friend thinks she *has* to do this stuff just because she's rich, and it's making her unhappy. But that's neither here nor there when it comes to whether this friendship is worth maintaining. For your part, you just need to decide if this friendship is serving you any more, or if it's irreparably one-sided now. If you want to give it another chance, I'd probably spell it out . . . "Hey, I really need a friend right now. Do you have the bandwidth to listen to all my 'stuff'?"

Exactly. Most people don't have a lot of money. When someone does get a lot of money, it reveals their true character. Some people have greedy, materialistic, ugly character.

If someone falls into moemy and doesn't use it to help people, and just complains about inconvenient all these darn luxuries are, why waste your time on this person?

We have money. I’m not sure why money would make some greedy or materialistic. If anything, I think my friends with less money are more materialistic. People with money just don’t care about material items. We are generous to our friends and family. I would say most people with money are kind and generous, not the other way around. Money solves a lot of problems.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like she is just not being a very good friend right now. If she were to talk all about her rich person problems but also express interest in you and offer you support, then you'd overlook the rich person stuff, right? That's the vibe I'm getting.

I'm wealthier than my friends too, but I generally (try to) eschew rich person stuff just for its own sake (with the exception of owning a second home). Our kids go to public schools, I try to be anti-consumption and use things until they wear out, etc. I'm sure I do trigger envy when I talk about our vacations or second home, but there's enough common ground from staying in our regular neighborhood, joining the cheap neighborhood pool, keeping our kids in public, etc., that I think that makes it easier to maintain friendships.

It kind of sounds like your friend thinks she *has* to do this stuff just because she's rich, and it's making her unhappy. But that's neither here nor there when it comes to whether this friendship is worth maintaining. For your part, you just need to decide if this friendship is serving you any more, or if it's irreparably one-sided now. If you want to give it another chance, I'd probably spell it out . . . "Hey, I really need a friend right now. Do you have the bandwidth to listen to all my 'stuff'?"

Exactly. Most people don't have a lot of money. When someone does get a lot of money, it reveals their true character. Some people have greedy, materialistic, ugly character.

If someone falls into moemy and doesn't use it to help people, and just complains about inconvenient all these darn luxuries are, why waste your time on this person?

We have money. I’m not sure why money would make some greedy or materialistic. If anything, I think my friends with less money are more materialistic. People with money just don’t care about material items. We are generous to our friends and family. I would say most people with money are kind and generous, not the other way around. Money solves a lot of problems.

I'm 16:51 and I disagree. Money makes it easier to forget what is important and lose yourself. It's not impossible, of course. But it tests our resolve, you know? And our sense of what constitutes wealth changes. I remember when we made 1/4 of what we make now, and I thought that was wealthy. And somehow your expenses just grow to match your income, even when you make conscious decisions not to upgrade your own or do private or join a country club, etc.

Money doesn't make people greedy or materialistic; it facilitates and augments those characteristics which already exist in a person. And in a status and consumption obsessed society, of course they exist in us to some degree.

I'm honestly curious what you mean by saying most people with money are kind and generous. How does that show itself? Like, they give their housekeepers a nice bonus?