How to broach this issue with rich friend?
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Anonymous
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We are a reasonably well off UMC family. No complaints about our finances or lifestyle.
We are friends with a family who used to be kind of in our ballpark financially, but in the last few years have moved into a much, much higher income bracket. I feel like the family friendship has handled that shift really well -- our kids are still great friends, and when we all get together, our dynamic is pretty much the same. But when I get together 1:1 with just my fellow mom friend, the dynamic has changed quite a bit and I'm starting to feel a little frustrated. The main thing is that as their income has gone up, it has changed a bunch of stuff about her life and I think there's some anxiety there from all the change. Stuff like joining a country club, taking much more extravagant vacations, shopping for a house upgrade, etc. It all makes sense for their new financial situation but she just talks about this stuff sooooo much. Our conversations have become very one-sided and the stuff she's talking to me about, I can't relate to at all. Like I can see how buying a 10 million dollar house is stressful and huge, but I have a limited amount I can contribute to that conversation. Especially because she's not really in the mood for joking about it -- she's capital S stressed. The last 3-4x we've hung out, I've listened to her talk at length about financial investments, private schools, real estate, and vacation planning. These conversations are weirdly joyless -- she is essentially complaining but then she'll throw in "I know it's a good problem to have" or "I know how lucky we are." I'm not judging her. I get this transition has been weird. But I have stuff going on in my own life and I'm starting to feel like I'm just there to provide emotional support to her as she struggles with getting super rich. I feel like it's something she she talk to a professional about, and I'd love to get back to more give and take and discussing things that we can both relate to (kids generally, celebrity gossip, health/exercise, books and movies, etc. -- the fun stuff!). How do I raise this with her? I don't want to come off as resentful (and I really am not, to be honest she is making their sudden wealthy look kind of unappealing) and I don't want to hurt her feelings or lose her as a friend. But I also don't want this dynamic to continue because if it does I don't think our friendship will survive it. |
Anonymous
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When you say “to be honest . . . I find it unappealing” that sounds like you might actually be a wee bit jealous. Whether you realize it or not.
Ask yourself this: if she was bending your ear about stuff NOT related to money that you also couldn’t really relate to, would you feel the same way? If not, then yea it really IS the money. |
Anonymous
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Where did they get their money OP?
She needs perspective, you are probably not going to have much in common for long. I do know people who are rich who have most/all of their lifelong friends, but they handle their good fortune MUCH better than your friend does. |
Anonymous
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Whatever the reason is- jealousy, obnoxiousness, whatever, you are not enjoying your time with this person anymore.
If you don’t have the skill to change the subject in the moment to talk about the things you actually want to talk about, I would distance yourself from this person and move on. You can’t change her back to whatever she was before- you can only change you. So you can work through your feelings and stay friends, or not. Personally I reached a certain age and I stopped “forcing” things- relationships, etc. Life is short and difficult. If your friendship with this person is not leading to growth or joy, you can move on. Although just a note- I watched my family navigate relationships with much wealthier relatives- my mother would get mired in jealousy and break relationships, while my aunt kept a sense of perspective and had loving relationships with the same people. This is most likely a “you” issue so tread carefully. |
Anonymous
| You might just have to accept that the friendship has changed. |
Anonymous
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New wealth can be very disorienting. It is why lottery winners have such bad outcomes. It actually sounds to me like she is acting a bit like a lottery winner with the sharp uptick in spending.
I would try to have compassion. Yes, it is a hard problem to have sympathy for. But you have a long friendship and she is clearly struggling. What I would consider saying is this: Mia, I know Genovia is unsettling. I understand it. I can’t really help you with mansion problems. But I can tell you are distressed. Can I help you look for a therapist? Can we go for walks away from all of these? Let’s try to do something fun where you aren’t thinking about admissions to the Academy. |
Anonymous
| So, she wants to talk about her problems (yes, rich people problems, but still problems to her) and you want to discuss celebrity gossip? Who is the jerk in this scenario? |
Anonymous
Tbh, this sounds kind of shallow. You still see her 1:1 and this is all you’d like to talk about with her? I don’t have time for that; maybe she doesn’t either. Were you ever really close to her? If not, just phase out the 1:1 meetups and stick with the family and kid friendships. If you were close and want to be again, just tell her what’s bothering you. |
Anonymous
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If their bump in wealth was sudden it’s going to take some time for them to come back to Earth. I’ve had a few friends that got wealthy fast and it was like trying to have a conversation with a child where their head is just all over the place; it took a year or two but the hedonic treadmill is always running and they will return to the baseline you knew and loved.
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Anonymous
Is this a willful misreading? OP says that all her friend wants to talk about are her rich-person problems, and OP would like to talk about all the things they have in common, which includes kids, books and movies. One-sided conversations are boring, and if it's every time, I can see it being an issue. |
Anonymous
| Become friends with a better class of person. |
Anonymous
Celebrity gossip?! You have a front row seat to a socialite. Why do you need celebrity gossip? You are living celebrity gossip! Enjoy gawking at her and gossiping about her! At the very least, complain about how poor you are somshe buys you stuff. Not really any point in having her as a friend otherwise. |
Anonymous
| You need to stop focusing on the content of her anxieties and concerns. Assuming you are not jealous, then the real issue is that you feel like she is no longer listening to your issues and concerns. I would not bring this up directly yet. I would start with “hey, I know you have a lot going on and I’m happy to listen. But I have something important I was hoping to talk about first.” See how it goes. |
Anonymous
Op here. And I really mean it when I say that talking to her makes the money seem unappealing. Like talking about the giant house they are going to buy and all the stuff that goes into it (like having a house that basically requires full time staff) sounds unappealing to me. So does a lot of the stress around the very elite privates they are applying to. Talking to her has actually made me appreciate my own life a bit more because it really does sound very stressful. But to answer your question, yes, if she was going on and on in this same way about like a really specific-to-her work issue (while never really taking time to listen to me talk about my job) or something else non-money related, I would feel the same way. I feel like all we do now is talk about her life. Like I said, I have stuff going on in my life, too. But I feel like it gets short shrift both because she is so anxious and focused on these big changes in her life, and because I think something like me dealing with my kid's special needs or my DH and I managing some issues with my MIL's declining health, don't have the immediacy and largeness of the stuff she is currently worrying about. Basically whenever I share anything about my own life, I feel like it just becomes a jumping off point for her to launch into a monologue about her stuff, and that is the source of my resentment. Not the money. You can believe me or not. |
Anonymous
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When a friend is stressed, the conversation may not be balanced.
She is still the person she was. I think perhaps you feel less supportive because from afar, her "problems" seem like privilege, but in her life, it feels stressful. Focus on that more than the amounts each thing costs (like she is house or school shopping, not why) And if you need to talk, about your own things, speak up. |