How to broach this issue with rich friend?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to stop focusing on the content of her anxieties and concerns. Assuming you are not jealous, then the real issue is that you feel like she is no longer listening to your issues and concerns. I would not bring this up directly yet. I would start with “hey, I know you have a lot going on and I’m happy to listen. But I have something important I was hoping to talk about first.” See how it goes.

Agree the real issue is that our interactions seem totally one-way these days. But I do think the content of her anxieties is an issue because, as some of the responses here demonstrate, I think she might jump to the conclusion that this is just jealousy of her new wealth. But I've spent a lot of time thinking about and discussing it with my DH, and I really don't think I AM jealous. I really think the issue is that I just feel completely neglected in our friendship.

I also wonder if the dynamic that is emerging, where I just sit and listen to her talk about there rich person problems but don't get any reciprocation, reflects a change in her perception of me now that she is a lot wealthier than I am. Like I wonder if self-consciously she has started thinking of her problems as more important than mine, or herself as more important in our relationship, because she is entering another wealth class. I don't know for sure that's the case, but because this has felt like a somewhat abrupt change in how she interacts with me, I do wonder. Which is why I'd like to address it now rather than just ride it out as she adjusts to her new life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When a friend is stressed, the conversation may not be balanced.

She is still the person she was.

I think perhaps you feel less supportive because from afar, her "problems" seem like privilege, but in her life, it feels stressful.

Focus on that more than the amounts each thing costs (like she is house or school shopping, not why)

And if you need to talk, about your own things, speak up.

I do speak up. When I do, she steers the conversation back to her stuff. I think it's because of her anxiety about what is going on with her life, but she is simply not interested in what is going on in my life right now. It's hard.

[Anonymous]

If I had a friend stressed about their mom dying I wouldn't be able to solve things for her and wouldn't really get a lot of joy from the conversation. This is apparently what she needs right now, and you can't give it to her and that's ok.

She needs to find others like her to bounce her needs off of and who can give her recommendations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:New wealth can be very disorienting. It is why lottery winners have such bad outcomes. It actually sounds to me like she is acting a bit like a lottery winner with the sharp uptick in spending.

I would try to have compassion. Yes, it is a hard problem to have sympathy for. But you have a long friendship and she is clearly struggling.

What I would consider saying is this: Mia, I know Genovia is unsettling. I understand it. I can’t really help you with mansion problems. But I can tell you are distressed. Can I help you look for a therapist? Can we go for walks away from all of these? Let’s try to do something fun where you aren’t thinking about admissions to the Academy.

Funny and true!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When a friend is stressed, the conversation may not be balanced.

She is still the person she was.

I think perhaps you feel less supportive because from afar, her "problems" seem like privilege, but in her life, it feels stressful.

Focus on that more than the amounts each thing costs (like she is house or school shopping, not why)

And if you need to talk, about your own things, speak up.

I do speak up. When I do, she steers the conversation back to her stuff. I think it's because of her anxiety about what is going on with her life, but she is simply not interested in what is going on in my life right now. It's hard.[/quote

NP - this shift does sound hard, OP. I'd feel similarly in your shoes; non-mutual relationships aren't particularly satisfying.

I think you have a few options here. You could try having a direct conversation about the change, e.g., "Lately it seems like our conversations are very one-sided and focused on your concerns. I understand you have a lot going on, but I'd like things to be more mutual, as they used to be. Have you noticed that change?" or however you would phrase it.

You could back off from the one-on-one outings with her, or at least lessen the frequency.

You could say nothing and hope she comes back down to earth (not appealing IMO, but some people do take this approach). For me, it would depend on how well you know this person and how you anticipate her reacting. Some people really can't tolerate the kind of candor with the first approach, while others would chafe at you backing away a bit with no explanation. In any case, good luck.

[Anonymous]

Change the subject. How difficult is that?

Do you work? This comes up in meetings all the time where someone goes off on a tangent and I bring them back to the topic. It's just as easy to do in a personal conversation.

[Anonymous]

You friend sounds like she is communicating a humble brag.
It gets insufferable after awhile.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to stop focusing on the content of her anxieties and concerns. Assuming you are not jealous, then the real issue is that you feel like she is no longer listening to your issues and concerns. I would not bring this up directly yet. I would start with “hey, I know you have a lot going on and I’m happy to listen. But I have something important I was hoping to talk about first.” See how it goes.

Agree the real issue is that our interactions seem totally one-way these days. But I do think the content of her anxieties is an issue because, as some of the responses here demonstrate, I think she might jump to the conclusion that this is just jealousy of her new wealth. But I've spent a lot of time thinking about and discussing it with my DH, and I really don't think I AM jealous. I really think the issue is that I just feel completely neglected in our friendship.

I also wonder if the dynamic that is emerging, where I just sit and listen to her talk about there rich person problems but don't get any reciprocation, reflects a change in her perception of me now that she is a lot wealthier than I am. Like I wonder if self-consciously she has started thinking of her problems as more important than mine, or herself as more important in our relationship, because she is entering another wealth class. I don't know for sure that's the case, but because this has felt like a somewhat abrupt change in how she interacts with me, I do wonder. Which is why I'd like to address it now rather than just ride it out as she adjusts to her new life.

To me it sounds like you simply don’t like the person she has become (or your perception of her at least).

If that is the case, you can distance yourself from her. Relationships change, and yes, sometimes money is really problematic and the root of it. I think this is ok and doesn’t make you a bad person. You just grew apart.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When you say “to be honest . . . I find it unappealing” that sounds like you might actually be a wee bit jealous. Whether you realize it or not.

Ask yourself this: if she was bending your ear about stuff NOT related to money that you also couldn’t really relate to, would you feel the same way? If not, then yea it really IS the money.

Omg what is it with this ridiculous line of thinking?!?
OP:
I find people who leave their dogs outside all day unappealing.
Poster: you sound jealous

WTF?

[Anonymous]

I agree new wealth can be disorienting. I’ve gone through that experience.

Close friends should be able to discuss this. However, it should not monopolize the convo. That’s the issue here I think.

And having discussed the new wealth issues I was working with with a couple friends, mostly because I was trying to figure out how to manage hiring people to manage it etc, I quickly learned not to talk about it with close friends. Yes, you should be able to. But it’s not a good idea. They will resent you.

And I also think it’s possible op truly is realizing the negative side of wealth. My partner, having watched me deal with all the family dynamics involved in this inherited wealth, has said they are glad their family is just normal middle class - every family has enough money for itself and the parents can take care of themselves but there is not much of an inheritance to go around. He actually says he is grateful for that, having seen my family dynamics around wealth. I don’t agree with him. Yes the family dynamics have been hell, but I am glad to have the money and security. But I could see how op is having that reaction.

[Anonymous]

Your friend is the phrase ‘money does not bring happiness’. New money is always hard for people. Honestly I would take a break from her.

[Anonymous]

Here is what I would say, “ If a house is causing you this much stress, why are you moving?”

[Anonymous]

Larla, I know you’ve been going through a lot. I want to be supportive but I also miss our old conversations and hangouts. Do you want to go see Barbie and have cocktails Saturday?

There’s a chance it will only make things awkward but you can try.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When a friend is stressed, the conversation may not be balanced.

She is still the person she was.

I think perhaps you feel less supportive because from afar, her "problems" seem like privilege, but in her life, it feels stressful.

Focus on that more than the amounts each thing costs (like she is house or school shopping, not why)

And if you need to talk, about your own things, speak up.

I do speak up. When I do, she steers the conversation back to her stuff. I think it's because of her anxiety about what is going on with her life, but she is simply not interested in what is going on in my life right now. It's hard.

So do you speak up and say, “Hey, Larla, I feel like our conversations have become really one-sided, and for me it’s affecting our friendship. Can we talk about that a little?”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If I had a friend stressed about their mom dying I wouldn't be able to solve things for her and wouldn't really get a lot of joy from the conversation. This is apparently what she needs right now, and you can't give it to her and that's ok.

She needs to find others like her to bounce her needs off of and who can give her recommendations.

lol. if what my friend needed was to monopolize the conversation about furnishing and staffing her mansion, I probably wouldn’t stay friends. it’s not the same as a parent dying and I’m surprised this needs to be pointed out … if OP reflects, I’m sure she’ll realize this woman was pretty self-centered and monotonous before. it’s just more jarring now because it’s more clearly clueless.

there are many occasions where we cut friends slack and take the role of the supporter for a while. getting rich and having to join the country club are not one of them.