My sister's husband is the best and yep, I am envious

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I've felt this way. I try to just ignore it and shake it off (and would never admit it out loud to anyone) but sometimes it's hard not to.

The feeling is strongest when my DH's biggest flaws are juxtaposed against someone else's DH's best qualities. Like recently we had a picnic with friends and then were packing up to go home, and the men were both helping our kids into our respective cars. My friend's DH was singing a little song and joking with their 4 yr old, who was giggling incessantly and clapping her hands. My DH was standing over our DC, who was trying to put the straps on in their car seat, and saying "That's wrong. That's wrong. That's wrong. You're doing it wrong," over and over. Which is also a tone of voice he occasionally takes with me. Sigh.

In moments like that, it's hard not to feel jealous. Sure, you can't know what goes on in other people's homes and everyone has flaws, but... it's hard not to think about it.

+1 million I'm struggling with this right now as my husband has become very difficult and emotionally abusive over the past 5 years and I watch some of theses husbands (and read a post like this one) that just fill me with jealousy and longing. I would have loved to experience a life like that for even a day and watching someone else have SO MUCH of a great relationship and family life just breaks my heart even more.

Work on it together, or leave.

I recently attended a 2nd-marriage wedding. Upgrading is worth the effort.

This is the PP you quoted. Yes I agree we would have needed to work on it together, but he refuses to even discuss it (first red flag from when we were dating 30 years ago--I know I should have run but I was 20 and desperate for someone because of my home life).
My sister just sent me a picture of something her second husband had made for her and which she has hanging on her wall. It says: It's never too late for Happily Ever After.

Performative declarations of love usually are a sign of trouble. In this case it’s literally a sign.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

How do some women have all the luck! Do they cast a spell!

It's not luck, and no one is casting any spells. It's being selective. My DH is the most amazing person I've ever met. Twenty years of a better life than I ever could have imagined. I dated some jerks for sure -- I knew better than to marry them. People need to hold out.

+1
...and I'm helping my daughters to be equally as selective. It's the most important decision they will ever make.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Posting here since this isn't something I can admit out loud! And need to get it out!
Her husband is attractive, kind, funny, has a good job and DOES SO MUCH AROUND THE HOUSE. Super hands-on dad, cooks dinner almost every night, coaches their kids' sports, puts up with her many neurotic qualities, oh and rubs her feet every night while they watch TV! Oh and he cooks for my parents too. And is faithful.

How do some women have all the luck! Do they cast a spell!

Some people have better luck but not necessarily forever or as good as it looks to a external viewer. Every human gets their own struggles.

One example we already have is your envy which likely creates some bad energy for them.

Btw what she does for him? May be its not just luck but combo of many factors.

[Anonymous]

I've heard his is a "magic mike" in bed too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does your sister rave about him too? I don't know if I would want a guy who does all the cooking and cleaning. What is left for her to do but be neurotic?

Yikes!
DH does 50% of everything we don't outsource and geesh I'm never complaining! And if he wanted to do everything, I'd let him! I would invest more in my hobbies and kids. There's so much to do when you are slaving away taking care of other's needs. You sound very "traditional" in a very oppressed old fashioned way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

How do some women have all the luck! Do they cast a spell!

It's not luck, and no one is casting any spells. It's being selective. My DH is the most amazing person I've ever met. Twenty years of a better life than I ever could have imagined. I dated some jerks for sure -- I knew better than to marry them. People need to hold out.

Yes to being selective but holding out for two long can take away selection offerings and many end up settle for worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does your sister rave about him too? I don't know if I would want a guy who does all the cooking and cleaning. What is left for her to do but be neurotic?

Yikes!
DH does 50% of everything we don't outsource and geesh I'm never complaining! And if he wanted to do everything, I'd let him! I would invest more in my hobbies and kids. There's so much to do when you are slaving away taking care of other's needs. You sound very "traditional" in a very oppressed old fashioned way.

Not PP but always find a good balance in partnership. Never burden your partner (man or woman) with a large proportion because it never ends well. Always be fair, even if when not asked.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

How do some women have all the luck! Do they cast a spell!

It's not luck, and no one is casting any spells. It's being selective. My DH is the most amazing person I've ever met. Twenty years of a better life than I ever could have imagined. I dated some jerks for sure -- I knew better than to marry them. People need to hold out.

This! My parents told me not to settle and I didn't that was some of the best advice they gave me.

This is really true! I also say, build a life you love and enjoy alone. Then you will only accept a partner who improves it. The bar becomes high!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't judge someone's outside. Trust me, I thought the exact same about my BIL. Turns out he as anger issues that only come out at home when the doors were closed. On my sister, and the kids. You truly never know.

YUP- this is my husband as well. I am the envy of all my girlfriends but nobody realizes how anxious DH is an how that manifests as anger.

Or, maybe he’s just a nice dude, but she might have other challenges in her life. You don’t get everything and it’s not worth being envious. Just be happy for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

How do some women have all the luck! Do they cast a spell!

It's not luck, and no one is casting any spells. It's being selective. My DH is the most amazing person I've ever met. Twenty years of a better life than I ever could have imagined. I dated some jerks for sure -- I knew better than to marry them. People need to hold out.

+1
...and I'm helping my daughters to be equally as selective. It's the most important decision they will ever make.

It doesn’t matter. The old Arab proverb- marriage is a watermelon, you don’t know what you’re going to get until you open it, is quite true.

I’ve met men who seemed absolutely amazing and they turned out to be cheaters, and clever sneaky ones at that. Now I reserve my judgement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

How do some women have all the luck! Do they cast a spell!

It's not luck, and no one is casting any spells. It's being selective. My DH is the most amazing person I've ever met. Twenty years of a better life than I ever could have imagined. I dated some jerks for sure -- I knew better than to marry them. People need to hold out.

Yes to being selective but holding out for two long can take away selection offerings and many end up settle for worse.

I think the trick is to hold out for someone who has the most important qualities (someone who respects you and is truly, truly in love with you, who holds your same values and desires, who has the same ideas about important things like kids, money, and family) and have a lot of wiggle room on things like height or income.

I know that people regret not going for the nice guy with thinning hair, but nobody regrets dumping the guy who had a nice head of hair but acted entitled.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

How do some women have all the luck! Do they cast a spell!

It's not luck, and no one is casting any spells. It's being selective. My DH is the most amazing person I've ever met. Twenty years of a better life than I ever could have imagined. I dated some jerks for sure -- I knew better than to marry them. People need to hold out.

This! My parents told me not to settle and I didn't that was some of the best advice they gave me.

I think there's a difference between "settle" and "reasonable". There are only so many men out there who are everything.

DH is all that OP wrote except he has kind of a big belly. But, he rubs my feet, cooks dinner (most nights), involved with kids, helped coach their team, cooks Thanksgiving meals for my family who joins us, etc... He's a good enough looking guy, but has a pretty big belly. I think it's somewhat genetic. His dad also had a belly even though neither are big elsewhere.

Contrast to my sister who married the "good looking" guy with no belly, but who was a lazy ahole. They divorced.

I did hold out until I found a guy that was a keeper, but the guy I dated beforehand was much better looking all around, but I knew he wasn't go to be a good life partner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

How do some women have all the luck! Do they cast a spell!

It's not luck, and no one is casting any spells. It's being selective. My DH is the most amazing person I've ever met. Twenty years of a better life than I ever could have imagined. I dated some jerks for sure -- I knew better than to marry them. People need to hold out.

+1
...and I'm helping my daughters to be equally as selective. It's the most important decision they will ever make.

It doesn’t matter. The old Arab proverb- marriage is a watermelon, you don’t know what you’re going to get until you open it, is quite true.

I’ve met men who seemed absolutely amazing and they turned out to be cheaters, and clever sneaky ones at that. Now I reserve my judgement.

No it's not. Yes people can change but a lot of women marry potential they see in the guy rather than the guy himself and they are setting themselves up for disappointment. I believe luck plays a big role, but the odds of your partner getting better rather than worse after marriage are poor and it's wise to hedge your bets.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

How do some women have all the luck! Do they cast a spell!

It's not luck, and no one is casting any spells. It's being selective. My DH is the most amazing person I've ever met. Twenty years of a better life than I ever could have imagined. I dated some jerks for sure -- I knew better than to marry them. People need to hold out.

This! My parents told me not to settle and I didn't that was some of the best advice they gave me.

I think there's a difference between "settle" and "reasonable". There are only so many men out there who are everything.

DH is all that OP wrote except he has kind of a big belly. But, he rubs my feet, cooks dinner (most nights), involved with kids, helped coach their team, cooks Thanksgiving meals for my family who joins us, etc... He's a good enough looking guy, but has a pretty big belly. I think it's somewhat genetic. His dad also had a belly even though neither are big elsewhere.

Contrast to my sister who married the "good looking" guy with no belly, but who was a lazy ahole. They divorced.

I did hold out until I found a guy that was a keeper, but the guy I dated beforehand was much better looking all around, but I knew he wasn't go to be a good life partner.

I like your thinking but "reasonable" isn't a verb. I wish there were different words for settling on the superficial things and settling on the fundamentals. Settling on the superficial things is something almost everybody is going to do because, well, like attracts like and whoever we marry is likely to be settling on some superficial things as well. Of course it shouldn't feel like settling (I think of the wisdom of Elizabeth Bennett refusing Mr. Darcy's first marriage proposal while accepting his second), but we should be open to dating people who aren't the tall dark and handsome princes we fantasized about. We should not be open to dating people who don't treat us well, are lazy, are entitled, are mean to service workers, who have secret instagram accounts exclusively for posting heart emoji on bikini model's photos, etc. (that last one is tongue in cheek, but I do think that if you marry a guy like that you have to anticipate a good amount of objectification and eye wandering)

[Anonymous]

You described my DH until you hit the faithful comment. He had a ONS during a midlife crisis. The rest was enough for me to work through it.