Reply to Spouse wants to reconcile but is apparently unable to go no contact

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Reply to "Spouse wants to reconcile but is apparently unable to go no contact"

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[quote=Anonymous]OP, 10:41 here again. I am really sorry you are in this position and I know exactly what it feels like, unfortunately. It is very recent for me and I feel like I could have written your post word for word.

There is a big difference between regret and remorse. What your husband may be feeling and showing is regret: regret for being caught, regret for being judged by people who know what happened, regret that he has to potentially say goodbye to his affair partner, regret it won't be as easy to have sex with somebody other than you. Regret tends to be selfish. Remorse shows up differently. Its emotion and empathy, its pleading for a second chance and committing to change. It's immediately stopping contact with the affair partner and having full transparency with you (access to emails, phones, etc.). It is asking you how you feel, what you need to know, what you want to talk about, and not getting frustrated or angry or hurt when you ask tough questions and expect honest answers. Remorse is putting the betrayed before the betrayer.

Some cheaters are capable of changing, self improvement, and committing to making you feel safe and loved and that they will never repeat the terrible decisions they have made. And I'd say a very small percentage of couples can make it to reconciliation that is at an acceptable level. Some will claim their marriage is "better than ever" after cheating. I never really buy this nor do I think they truly do themselves. Many will be able to build a new marriage that is acceptable but often clouded in doubt and worry that seeps into every aspect of their lives. They could be happy or not, probably a mix of the two. Others will try to build a new marriage and realize it is never going to work out, either because they can't get past it or in a lot of cases because cheaters tend to be repeat offenders.

The bottom line is if your husband is serious about repairing what he has done to you and your marriage, he would go NC immediately without a second thought, show endless empathy, and prove he is working to become a safe partner again. If you are not seeing or feeling any of those efforts, then you likely know in your gut that he is showing regret (which is selfish) and not remorse (with puts you before him). He has lit your life and marriage on fire. By staying in touch with his affair partner and ignoring your needs regardless of what he may be spewing out of his dumb mouth to pacify you, he is fanning the flames rather than trying to extinguish them.

These are hard positions to be put in and I can totally relate. Wishing you peace whatever your ultimate decision may be.
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