DH’s therapist refused to talk to our marriage therapist

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your husband has to consent to it. And can. I’m completely sure she has a release of information that she’d accept if her client signed it (client meaning your husband). So blame your husband, he can give consent if he wants to.

He did consent.

DP - your husband signed consent to disclose to the couples therapist (i.e., he wants them to talk) and his individual therapist is refusing?

I’d fire her and possibly report her to the licensing board. That’s unethical.

Yes - that’s it. He says she told him this on day 1. She’s been in practice for 45+ years and demands a hefty sum. I’m pi$$ed that we can’t coordinate based on the last 6 years of therapy he has done.

A therapist who has a universal “I won’t talk to another healthcare professional about one of my patients, even when they consent to me doing so” is unethical. Period. I say this as a licensed psychologist who doesn’t use that term lightly. My guess is she hides behind the “old school” thing and ignores her responsibility to actually practice healthcare the way it’s practiced now. Also, when people do consult in these cases, they’re not sharing every little detail of what’s discussed. It’s general information about diagnostic impressions, information that impacts the marriage, etc. Unacceptable.

+1. —A licensed marriage therapist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your husband has to consent to it. And can. I’m completely sure she has a release of information that she’d accept if her client signed it (client meaning your husband). So blame your husband, he can give consent if he wants to.

He did consent.

DP - your husband signed consent to disclose to the couples therapist (i.e., he wants them to talk) and his individual therapist is refusing?

I’d fire her and possibly report her to the licensing board. That’s unethical.

Yes - that’s it. He says she told him this on day 1. She’s been in practice for 45+ years and demands a hefty sum. I’m pi$$ed that we can’t coordinate based on the last 6 years of therapy he has done.

A therapist who has a universal “I won’t talk to another healthcare professional about one of my patients, even when they consent to me doing so” is unethical. Period. I say this as a licensed psychologist who doesn’t use that term lightly. My guess is she hides behind the “old school” thing and ignores her responsibility to actually practice healthcare the way it’s practiced now. Also, when people do consult in these cases, they’re not sharing every little detail of what’s discussed. It’s general information about diagnostic impressions, information that impacts the marriage, etc. Unacceptable.

The therapist knows what is ethical. There are other more likely explanations why she won't consult, the most obvious being honoring dh's preference.

Plenty of healthcare professionals behave unethically and tell themselves otherwise. The husband signed consent. She doesn’t have to share thing she doesn’t want her to share - but to not talk at all? Something’s up.

[Anonymous]

As a betrayed wife- I needed the truth. I needed to know what is being said in confidence isn’t totally different than what is being said to me individually or in therapy together.

Betrayed spouses have already suffered a grave loss of trust. They have been back-stabbed and blind-sided. I couldn’t trust after discovery anything out if his mouth. I’m supposed to take a liar’s word? In our case, there was also a mental health diagnosis and I needed facts and what that meant for potential relapse, recovery, etc.

His individual therapist actually requested to meet with me individually for essentially the same reason. From the DSm test- we were dealing with someone high on the narcissism spectrum, with a lot of childhood trauma.

I NEEDEd that information.

Frankly I’m pissed off therapists don’t have a duty to inform people when they know their health is at risk: from infidelity/cheating. Instead they will listen for months on end to a woman or man exhibiting risky behavior that is a threat to their spouse’s physical health- not to mention safety.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your husband has to consent to it. And can. I’m completely sure she has a release of information that she’d accept if her client signed it (client meaning your husband). So blame your husband, he can give consent if he wants to.

This

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your husband has to consent to it. And can. I’m completely sure she has a release of information that she’d accept if her client signed it (client meaning your husband). So blame your husband, he can give consent if he wants to.

This

They are his medical records. He can do whatever HE wants with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your husband has to consent to it. And can. I’m completely sure she has a release of information that she’d accept if her client signed it (client meaning your husband). So blame your husband, he can give consent if he wants to.

This

They are his medical records. He can do whatever HE wants with them.

DP. My guess is HE did not consent and is just telling OP he did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a betrayed wife- I needed the truth. I needed to know what is being said in confidence isn’t totally different than what is being said to me individually or in therapy together.

Betrayed spouses have already suffered a grave loss of trust. They have been back-stabbed and blind-sided. I couldn’t trust after discovery anything out if his mouth. I’m supposed to take a liar’s word? In our case, there was also a mental health diagnosis and I needed facts and what that meant for potential relapse, recovery, etc.

His individual therapist actually requested to meet with me individually for essentially the same reason. From the DSm test- we were dealing with someone high on the narcissism spectrum, with a lot of childhood trauma.

I NEEDEd that information.

Frankly I’m pissed off therapists don’t have a duty to inform people when they know their health is at risk: from infidelity/cheating. Instead they will listen for months on end to a woman or man exhibiting risky behavior that is a threat to their spouse’s physical health- not to mention safety.

Ok, you understand that the therapist does not have a duty to you, but his patient?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your husband has to consent to it. And can. I’m completely sure she has a release of information that she’d accept if her client signed it (client meaning your husband). So blame your husband, he can give consent if he wants to.

He did consent.

DP - your husband signed consent to disclose to the couples therapist (i.e., he wants them to talk) and his individual therapist is refusing?

I’d fire her and possibly report her to the licensing board. That’s unethical.

Yes - that’s it. He says she told him this on day 1. She’s been in practice for 45+ years and demands a hefty sum. I’m pi$$ed that we can’t coordinate based on the last 6 years of therapy he has done.

A therapist who has a universal “I won’t talk to another healthcare professional about one of my patients, even when they consent to me doing so” is unethical. Period. I say this as a licensed psychologist who doesn’t use that term lightly. My guess is she hides behind the “old school” thing and ignores her responsibility to actually practice healthcare the way it’s practiced now. Also, when people do consult in these cases, they’re not sharing every little detail of what’s discussed. It’s general information about diagnostic impressions, information that impacts the marriage, etc. Unacceptable.

+1. —A licensed marriage therapist.

Can you explain how talking to the individual therapist would be useful you, the marriage therapist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your husband has to consent to it. And can. I’m completely sure she has a release of information that she’d accept if her client signed it (client meaning your husband). So blame your husband, he can give consent if he wants to.

He did consent.

You mean, that's what he told you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your husband has to consent to it. And can. I’m completely sure she has a release of information that she’d accept if her client signed it (client meaning your husband). So blame your husband, he can give consent if he wants to.

This

They are his medical records. He can do whatever HE wants with them.

DP. My guess is HE did not consent and is just telling OP he did.

+1

Sorry, OP but your husband either didn't sign the form, or signed it, but expressed reluctance to his therapist about the whole thing so she won't do it. It's by far the most likely answer.

So, instead of getting angry, stop, take a breath - and ask yourself why it's so important to you that your husband's therapist talk to your marriage counselor. Is it because you don't trust what he says in marriage counseling? Is it because he thinks he's lying to one or both therapists? Is it because deep down inside you want to know more about what your husband is saying to his therapist and think this might give you a clue? Is it because you have some control issues? Is it because you're desperate for improved communication and are pushing that desire wherever you can? Is it because you feel marriage counseling is moving too slow and you want to jump start it?

Get past "I think it will help!" and really dig here. WHY do you think it will help when at least one and possibly two of the parties involved in this disagree (your husband and his therapist).

Then ask your husband, not in an attacking way, not demanding, not angrily, why it isn't important to him. And listen, really listen, to the answer. See if you can start a calm discussion about this. NOT with the goal of getting him to get his therapist to talk. But with the goal of understanding what's going on and perhaps how that reflects on your larger situation. Which is the goal anyway!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is there to coordinate, though? Marriage therapy uses a different muscle, and has a different focus, than individual therapy. I wouldn’t necessarily think to have a marriage counselor consult with my individual therapist. I imagine you have specific circumstances that makes it more of a necessity?

Haha! Emperor's New Clothes!
The old lady counselor knows she's an imposter. Doesn't want to be caught out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a betrayed wife- I needed the truth. I needed to know what is being said in confidence isn’t totally different than what is being said to me individually or in therapy together.

Betrayed spouses have already suffered a grave loss of trust. They have been back-stabbed and blind-sided. I couldn’t trust after discovery anything out if his mouth. I’m supposed to take a liar’s word? In our case, there was also a mental health diagnosis and I needed facts and what that meant for potential relapse, recovery, etc.

His individual therapist actually requested to meet with me individually for essentially the same reason. From the DSm test- we were dealing with someone high on the narcissism spectrum, with a lot of childhood trauma.

I NEEDEd that information.

Frankly I’m pissed off therapists don’t have a duty to inform people when they know their health is at risk: from infidelity/cheating. Instead they will listen for months on end to a woman or man exhibiting risky behavior that is a threat to their spouse’s physical health- not to mention safety.

You made the choice to work things out with soneone who betrayed you. Your feelings and relationship meant nothing to him. That's all you need to know. Your choice, but in your position, I'd work in therapy to figure out why I wanted to stay with someone who betrayed me, violated my trust and traumatized me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a betrayed wife- I needed the truth. I needed to know what is being said in confidence isn’t totally different than what is being said to me individually or in therapy together.

Betrayed spouses have already suffered a grave loss of trust. They have been back-stabbed and blind-sided. I couldn’t trust after discovery anything out if his mouth. I’m supposed to take a liar’s word? In our case, there was also a mental health diagnosis and I needed facts and what that meant for potential relapse, recovery, etc.

His individual therapist actually requested to meet with me individually for essentially the same reason. From the DSm test- we were dealing with someone high on the narcissism spectrum, with a lot of childhood trauma.

I NEEDEd that information.

Frankly I’m pissed off therapists don’t have a duty to inform people when they know their health is at risk: from infidelity/cheating. Instead they will listen for months on end to a woman or man exhibiting risky behavior that is a threat to their spouse’s physical health- not to mention safety.

You may NEED that informatio0n, but you aren't entitled to it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your husband is the driver here, not his therapist. If *he* wants her to talk to another healthcare professional who provides care for him, she should do so. I’d argue that not doing so is unethical. That said, her resistance is bizarre and unprofessional - it would make me suspect he’s hiding something huge, frankly.

OP here. This does concern me. I agree - he is totally the driver. He doesn’t seem to get that he is the customer here. (Or client.)

Also you only know. What he’s telling you - you don’t know that he actually signed the consent.

And she might think that it would be harmful to him to talk with your marriage therapist

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes he signed a release.

He did it for show. He doesn't want his therapist talking to the joint therapist. His therapist is being the "bad guy" by refusing, but is doing so at your dh's request.

If the therapist says it's her policy not to speak to other therapists, but that's not actually her policy and she is covering for a client, that would be dishonest and wrong.