DH’s therapist refused to talk to our marriage therapist

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes he signed a release.

He did it for show. He doesn't want his therapist talking to the joint therapist. His therapist is being the "bad guy" by refusing, but is doing so at your dh's request.

If the therapist says it's her policy not to speak to other therapists, but that's not actually her policy and she is covering for a client, that would be dishonest and wrong.

Does OP actually know this is her stated policy? Or is she just hearing this from her husband?

[Anonymous]

There is no way that I would agree to my therapist talking to anyone about me. It's my sacred space. OP can get whatever info that DH wants to share directly from DH. If she doesn't believe him, leave. This is ridiculous. A spouse isn't entitled to private therapy information that wouldn't be reported to authorities first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is there to coordinate, though? Marriage therapy uses a different muscle, and has a different focus, than individual therapy. I wouldn’t necessarily think to have a marriage counselor consult with my individual therapist. I imagine you have specific circumstances that makes it more of a necessity?

Interdisciplinary healthcare is standard of practice. I don’t even consider couples therapy and individual therapy different disciplines, so this example is even more egregious; imagine if, say, someone’s PCP refused to talk to their ophthalmologist because it’s their “policy.” This situation is no different. As a therapist (I’m the psychologist PP), you’re darn right I want information from other healthcare professionals treating my patients, if there’s consent. It only improves my care - I’m one person and I only see this person in one context. When I worked inpatient, we had interdisciplinary rounds daily and at every single one of those, someone in one discipline, e.g., occupational therapy, shared information that a healthcare provider in a different discipline, e.g., psychiatry, hadn’t known about the patient and which was *relevant to their care*. Refusing to talk to any other healthcare professionals about anything is unethical care.

[Anonymous]

Can she give the therapist a copy of your husband’s file?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes he signed a release.

He did it for show. He doesn't want his therapist talking to the joint therapist. His therapist is being the "bad guy" by refusing, but is doing so at your dh's request.

If the therapist says it's her policy not to speak to other therapists, but that's not actually her policy and she is covering for a client, that would be dishonest and wrong.

Actually, exactly the opposite. If her client told her that even though he signed the consent he didn't want her to speak with the marriage therapist, she can't reveal that, and really has no other choice if she wants to protect his confidences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is there to coordinate, though? Marriage therapy uses a different muscle, and has a different focus, than individual therapy. I wouldn’t necessarily think to have a marriage counselor consult with my individual therapist. I imagine you have specific circumstances that makes it more of a necessity?

Interdisciplinary healthcare is standard of practice. I don’t even consider couples therapy and individual therapy different disciplines, so this example is even more egregious; imagine if, say, someone’s PCP refused to talk to their ophthalmologist because it’s their “policy.” This situation is no different. As a therapist (I’m the psychologist PP), you’re darn right I want information from other healthcare professionals treating my patients, if there’s consent. It only improves my care - I’m one person and I only see this person in one context. When I worked inpatient, we had interdisciplinary rounds daily and at every single one of those, someone in one discipline, e.g., occupational therapy, shared information that a healthcare provider in a different discipline, e.g., psychiatry, hadn’t known about the patient and which was *relevant to their care*. Refusing to talk to any other healthcare professionals about anything is unethical care.

DP, not the OP, but: Thank you for posting here and pointing out the importance of healthcare professionals actually communicating with each other! I think some PPs are agitated about some idea of "a therapist must never tell the spouse/another therapist anything, ever" but they are not seeing therapy as healthcare in the way you can. It really is not uncommon for this type of sharing to take place, despite what some PPs insist. Sadly for OP and the marriage, it sounds as if the DH and his therapist are going to be a united front against any sharing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a betrayed wife- I needed the truth. I needed to know what is being said in confidence isn’t totally different than what is being said to me individually or in therapy together.

Betrayed spouses have already suffered a grave loss of trust. They have been back-stabbed and blind-sided. I couldn’t trust after discovery anything out if his mouth. I’m supposed to take a liar’s word? In our case, there was also a mental health diagnosis and I needed facts and what that meant for potential relapse, recovery, etc.

His individual therapist actually requested to meet with me individually for essentially the same reason. From the DSm test- we were dealing with someone high on the narcissism spectrum, with a lot of childhood trauma.

I NEEDEd that information.

Frankly I’m pissed off therapists don’t have a duty to inform people when they know their health is at risk: from infidelity/cheating. Instead they will listen for months on end to a woman or man exhibiting risky behavior that is a threat to their spouse’s physical health- not to mention safety.

You made the choice to work things out with soneone who betrayed you. Your feelings and relationship meant nothing to him. That's all you need to know. Your choice, but in your position, I'd work in therapy to figure out why I wanted to stay with someone who betrayed me, violated my trust and traumatized me.

This. You didn’t actually “need” information from his therapist. You wanted to have it because you wanted to continue the relationship, despite knowing he was capable of lying to you.

If your husband also wanted to continue the relationship, it was his responsibility to take ownership and bring pertinent information to your marriage therapy sessions. The fact he was unable to do that on his own speaks volumes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is there to coordinate, though? Marriage therapy uses a different muscle, and has a different focus, than individual therapy. I wouldn’t necessarily think to have a marriage counselor consult with my individual therapist. I imagine you have specific circumstances that makes it more of a necessity?

Interdisciplinary healthcare is standard of practice. I don’t even consider couples therapy and individual therapy different disciplines, so this example is even more egregious; imagine if, say, someone’s PCP refused to talk to their ophthalmologist because it’s their “policy.” This situation is no different. As a therapist (I’m the psychologist PP), you’re darn right I want information from other healthcare professionals treating my patients, if there’s consent. It only improves my care - I’m one person and I only see this person in one context. When I worked inpatient, we had interdisciplinary rounds daily and at every single one of those, someone in one discipline, e.g., occupational therapy, shared information that a healthcare provider in a different discipline, e.g., psychiatry, hadn’t known about the patient and which was *relevant to their care*. Refusing to talk to any other healthcare professionals about anything is unethical care.

DP, not the OP, but: Thank you for posting here and pointing out the importance of healthcare professionals actually communicating with each other! I think some PPs are agitated about some idea of "a therapist must never tell the spouse/another therapist anything, ever" but they are not seeing therapy as healthcare in the way you can. It really is not uncommon for this type of sharing to take place, despite what some PPs insist. Sadly for OP and the marriage, it sounds as if the DH and his therapist are going to be a united front against any sharing.

It is his individual therapy. He trusts this therapist and does not want any part of what they discuss shared with the marriage therapist. This is an individual's life and issues being worked through in therapy. He may have things in his childhood that he never shared anywhere except with the therapist. Perhaps his trust issues are too acute right now. You don't know what he's struggling with. Op, if his not sharing personal information from therapy -even broad strokes- is a dealbreaker, then walk away. Your relationship may not survive if he manages to heal from whatever it is that led him into therapy in the first place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your husband has to consent to it. And can. I’m completely sure she has a release of information that she’d accept if her client signed it (client meaning your husband). So blame your husband, he can give consent if he wants to.

He did consent.

DP - your husband signed consent to disclose to the couples therapist (i.e., he wants them to talk) and his individual therapist is refusing?

I’d fire her and possibly report her to the licensing board. That’s unethical.

And you believe this 100%? (Serious question)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is there to coordinate, though? Marriage therapy uses a different muscle, and has a different focus, than individual therapy. I wouldn’t necessarily think to have a marriage counselor consult with my individual therapist. I imagine you have specific circumstances that makes it more of a necessity?

Interdisciplinary healthcare is standard of practice. I don’t even consider couples therapy and individual therapy different disciplines, so this example is even more egregious; imagine if, say, someone’s PCP refused to talk to their ophthalmologist because it’s their “policy.” This situation is no different. As a therapist (I’m the psychologist PP), you’re darn right I want information from other healthcare professionals treating my patients, if there’s consent. It only improves my care - I’m one person and I only see this person in one context. When I worked inpatient, we had interdisciplinary rounds daily and at every single one of those, someone in one discipline, e.g., occupational therapy, shared information that a healthcare provider in a different discipline, e.g., psychiatry, hadn’t known about the patient and which was *relevant to their care*. Refusing to talk to any other healthcare professionals about anything is unethical care.

DP, not the OP, but: Thank you for posting here and pointing out the importance of healthcare professionals actually communicating with each other! I think some PPs are agitated about some idea of "a therapist must never tell the spouse/another therapist anything, ever" but they are not seeing therapy as healthcare in the way you can. It really is not uncommon for this type of sharing to take place, despite what some PPs insist. Sadly for OP and the marriage, it sounds as if the DH and his therapist are going to be a united front against any sharing.

My husband doesn’t have access to my medical records without my consent either. And if I want my providers to share information with each other, I have to sign a consent for that too.

Also, you are using colons incorrectly in your posts, which make you identifiable as the scorned wife PP. You yourself didn’t see your husband’s therapy as healthcare, you saw it as a means of control.

[Anonymous]

There's a big disconnect here.

OP is saying that DH signed a consent form authorizing his therapist to speak to the marriage therapist. She's also saying DH's therapist has a policy of not speaking to other therapists and made that clear from the beginning of therapy. If that's her policy, why would she have a consent form for DH to sign? If she doesn't confer, she wouldn't need a consent form. Either DH is lying about giving written consent or the therapist is lying about never conferring.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There's a big disconnect here.

OP is saying that DH signed a consent form authorizing his therapist to speak to the marriage therapist. She's also saying DH's therapist has a policy of not speaking to other therapists and made that clear from the beginning of therapy. If that's her policy, why would she have a consent form for DH to sign? If she doesn't confer, she wouldn't need a consent form. Either DH is lying about giving written consent or the therapist is lying about never conferring.

I read it as the marriage counselor provided the consent form, to sign and return to the marriage counselor. The marriage counselor then called the individual counselor and said “I have a consent form”, and the individual counselor said “as a policy, I don’t talk to marriage counselors”, or whatever the policy is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a betrayed wife- I needed the truth. I needed to know what is being said in confidence isn’t totally different than what is being said to me individually or in therapy together.

Betrayed spouses have already suffered a grave loss of trust. They have been back-stabbed and blind-sided. I couldn’t trust after discovery anything out if his mouth. I’m supposed to take a liar’s word? In our case, there was also a mental health diagnosis and I needed facts and what that meant for potential relapse, recovery, etc.

His individual therapist actually requested to meet with me individually for essentially the same reason. From the DSm test- we were dealing with someone high on the narcissism spectrum, with a lot of childhood trauma.

I NEEDEd that information.

Frankly I’m pissed off therapists don’t have a duty to inform people when they know their health is at risk: from infidelity/cheating. Instead they will listen for months on end to a woman or man exhibiting risky behavior that is a threat to their spouse’s physical health- not to mention safety.

Ok, you understand that the therapist does not have a duty to you, but his patient?

+1... and the person who NEEDS that information sounds a bit unhinged, which makse sense when you are in the situation she may be -- but it also sounds like there is a self-centeredness & lack of general understanding of boundaries in not understanding the relationships

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There's a big disconnect here.

OP is saying that DH signed a consent form authorizing his therapist to speak to the marriage therapist. She's also saying DH's therapist has a policy of not speaking to other therapists and made that clear from the beginning of therapy. If that's her policy, why would she have a consent form for DH to sign? If she doesn't confer, she wouldn't need a consent form. Either DH is lying about giving written consent or the therapist is lying about never conferring.

For whatever reason, dh doesn't want his private therapy shared and cannot covey that to op. The therapist is procting her client.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is there to coordinate, though? Marriage therapy uses a different muscle, and has a different focus, than individual therapy. I wouldn’t necessarily think to have a marriage counselor consult with my individual therapist. I imagine you have specific circumstances that makes it more of a necessity?

Interdisciplinary healthcare is standard of practice. I don’t even consider couples therapy and individual therapy different disciplines, so this example is even more egregious; imagine if, say, someone’s PCP refused to talk to their ophthalmologist because it’s their “policy.” This situation is no different. As a therapist (I’m the psychologist PP), you’re darn right I want information from other healthcare professionals treating my patients, if there’s consent. It only improves my care - I’m one person and I only see this person in one context. When I worked inpatient, we had interdisciplinary rounds daily and at every single one of those, someone in one discipline, e.g., occupational therapy, shared information that a healthcare provider in a different discipline, e.g., psychiatry, hadn’t known about the patient and which was *relevant to their care*. Refusing to talk to any other healthcare professionals about anything is unethical care.

DP, not the OP, but: Thank you for posting here and pointing out the importance of healthcare professionals actually communicating with each other! I think some PPs are agitated about some idea of "a therapist must never tell the spouse/another therapist anything, ever" but they are not seeing therapy as healthcare in the way you can. It really is not uncommon for this type of sharing to take place, despite what some PPs insist. Sadly for OP and the marriage, it sounds as if the DH and his therapist are going to be a united front against any sharing.

That’s because therapy actually isn’t “healthcare” the same as if the patient has diabetic eye problems and the ophthalmologist has to talk to the endocrinologist. In some cases it might be for severe mental illness - the individual therapist might have useful information about that to share with the marriage therapist. But I get the vibe from OP that she just doesn’t think her DH has the right to confidentiality with his therapist, or there’s some secret the individual therapist knows that she wants to force out. Regular healthcare doesn’t really deal with confidences in the same way.