How to navigate teen cancel culture

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Social media and the left leaning Public school indoctrination will easily cancel white children

Oh, look. Ron DeSantis found the thread.

[Anonymous]

OP here. No one told me anything, it’s my hunch based on their body language. You would have to have zero EQ not to realize the change, previously he was adored by the same group of kids and moms. I am very aware that friend groups change during this age especially with transition to HS, different combinations take root, etc but he remains solo.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just a hunch...your son knows a lot more about your marital difficulties than you think he does. I got divorced a long time ago. At the time I demanded that we see a child psychiatrist to figure out how to tell our offspring. Shrink said kids usually know something bad is going on between their parents. He said when parents come in to see about a kid who is acting out, he asks about the state of their marriage and that marital conflict is the number one reason previously well-behaved kids act out. This is particularly common with boys.

So, it MAY be your son is depressed about the conflict at home and that caused him to act out. If he blames you, he MAY have done or said some really ugly things about women. He's not going to share them with you.

He may also--it's rarer--think that if he becomes a problem his parents will try to stay together to solve it.

I don't think you can de-link your impending separation and your kid's issues--at least without further info Whatever you do, don't prolong your separation or telling your son about it. Not knowing is usually more painful and excruciating than knowing. When we asked advice, the psychiatrist said to tell our offspring ASAP and for the other parent to leave ASAP after that. Then the other parent should see our offspring again as soon as possible after that, so kids would know leaving home did not mean abandoning them.

I may be one hundred per cent offbase, but if you're consulting a pediatrican or therapist, tell them about the impending separation.

OP here, agree with your hunch. I also shared with the pediatrician about our pending separation, agree that context is very important. We are modeling a toxic relationship and I’m the one initiating the separation and divorce; it might very well be linked.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. No one told me anything, it’s my hunch based on their body language. You would have to have zero EQ not to realize the change, previously he was adored by the same group of kids and moms. I am very aware that friend groups change during this age especially with transition to HS, different combinations take root, etc but he remains solo.

And you haven’t asked these other parents because…

[Anonymous]

Why haven't you asked the other parents? It's odd you have not OP.

[Anonymous]

A kid at our school got cancelled because he said something racist. Could be that...

[Anonymous]

Hugs op

[Anonymous]

I definitely believe cancel culture is a thing, but it kind of seems like a stretch to pin your son's social troubles on cancel culture. You mentioned it's been a rough year and you and DH are going through a divorce. This is an awful time for him emotionally. Perhaps a more likely explanation is that your DS is depressed. I wonder if you have considered this possibility? Often depressed people will withdraw and do or say things that harm social connections when they need the most support. Does your DS see a therapist? Having been a child of divorce once, I think all kids whose parents are going through divorce could use help managing the emotions. Good luck, OP. I hope things look better for your family soon.

[Anonymous]

I have a daughter the same age and I hear a lot of talk from her and her friends. There is no real cancelling over super petty things. Someone doesn’t get cancelled over using one slur one time - if someone gets cancelled for that, it’s because when called out for it, they didn’t just apologize and try to do better, they doubled down and usually go on the offense.

I’ve seen kids get dropped for being generally shitty friends and usually the final incident is small, but it’s the pattern of behavior that causes it. I see a lot of kids dropped for generally having poor social skills and being unable to work through conflicts. All friendships have conflicts, some don’t handle them well.

I have seen boys get dropped for specific behavior by friend their groups and that’s almost always sexually aggressive behavior. I would be very concerned as the mother of a freshman boy that this was the reason. And id suck it up and ask the mom of one of his friends - don’t pick the nicest, pick the bluntest one. The one most likely to actually tell you. And be prepared to not be defensive and accept the answer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a daughter the same age and I hear a lot of talk from her and her friends. There is no real cancelling over super petty things. Someone doesn’t get cancelled over using one slur one time - if someone gets cancelled for that, it’s because when called out for it, they didn’t just apologize and try to do better, they doubled down and usually go on the offense.

I’ve seen kids get dropped for being generally shitty friends and usually the final incident is small, but it’s the pattern of behavior that causes it. I see a lot of kids dropped for generally having poor social skills and being unable to work through conflicts. All friendships have conflicts, some don’t handle them well.

I have seen boys get dropped for specific behavior by friend their groups and that’s almost always sexually aggressive behavior. I would be very concerned as the mother of a freshman boy that this was the reason. And id suck it up and ask the mom of one of his friends - don’t pick the nicest, pick the bluntest one. The one most likely to actually tell you. And be prepared to not be defensive and accept the answer.

Sometimes girls, and I would imagine boys, also get dropped because of “queen bee” dynamics. I think the kid who was dropped could have poor social skills, but so could the kids doing the dropping. Either way, try and view this as a chance for your son to make a new circle of friends and I wouldn’t necessarily assume the worst. It seems to get much easier after 16+ when the queen bee dynamic becomes less intense.

[Anonymous]

Cancel culture is real, IME. My daughter was shunned by her whole friend group in 8th grade because (1) she said she wanted to be a prosecutor and (2) she did not want to date a trans girl in the group. They called her a bigot and treated her like she was dead to them. We have switched schools.

OP, your kid may not have done something heinous. Kids make mistakes, and the current culture is weirdly intolerant.

[Anonymous]

If you are getting divorced but haven’t talked to him about it, the chances that he knows and is highly stressed about it are high, and the chances that he has acted out are high.

I don’t know how any parent could think that would work.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am so sorry this is happening to you and your DS. I would definitely approach the mom you know the best and ask specifically what happened. Say if the shoe was on the other foot and she was coming to you you would be truthful so that's all you are asking of her.Don't be defensive, just act neutral, hear what she tells you and then end the convo.

I really hate cancel culture. There was a great documentary on this that Obama made on Netflix and now I can't find the name of it. Basically it is shaming by mob and that it takes a life of its own, reaches a point where it can no longer be controlled and for many there is nothing that will be good enough for redemption. Nothing. And that is wrong.

A child in my kid's MS was the subject of a vicious rumor that the child had sexually assaulted another student at a sleepover. The story spread like wildfire. The accuser told everyone and went to the school administration who said they couldn't discipline because it happened off campus off hours. So every single other student stopped talking to the accused. Shunned them. As a parent hearing the story the "facts" didn't make sense, at all. When questioning the story my kid and their friends were adamant this person was a rapist, this person needed to go to jail. All involved were 14. I asked my kid and their friends "well what would be enough of a punishment" and they said NEVER for the kid to have any friends again and for everyone to know.

Accused stopped coming to school. Their parents started calling other parents to try to get the info on what other kids were saying. Kid completed the rest of the year virtual and transferred to another school for high school.

Enter high school. Same accuser has gone on to accuse at least FIVE other kids of sexually assaulting her (including one story of another student holding a gun to her head). Her stories got more and more ridiculous. She got one other kid expelled because of it. It quickly became clear that the accused was fabricating rumors, extreme serious rumors, but she had already severely affected the lives of at least 2 other students. My kid realized the original rumor in MS was probably a lie all along and felt extreme guilt for buying into it and participating in the "cancelling". I explained, again, that these kind of situations where the shaming is so extreme, that even with zero evidence everyone piles on to make this person's life a living hell is how some people end of taking their own life. And next time what is there to stop the rumors from being about my own kid.

The accuser is now switching school because now the student body has realized she lies, and not little white lies, but ones that severely hurt people and she has some incredible mental health issues.

Please talk to your kid. Please ask the other mother. Just get all the information. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

He doesn’t have access to guns, right?

[Anonymous]

I didn’t see this in your post — can you not ask your son what happened? Get him to tell you so that you can help him through it?