How to navigate teen cancel culture

[Anonymous]

I’m 99% sure my 15 year old son got cancelled but have no idea what happened. Body language from his old friends and the moms tells me he did something heinous but I’m at a loss of what it might be. I first suspected he pulled away from middle school friends at the end of 8th grade. Fast forward he just finished 9th grade and he doesn’t have any friends. We’ve had to severely limit x-box because if you let him, that’s all he would do when he’s not in school.

At first I didn’t want to meddle because I figured it was normal friend group dynamics that the boys need to sort out; but now I get the feeling he really offended someone so bad that he’s been canceled. I’ve offered to take his friends to dinner, movies or have them come over and he doesn’t want to initiate any social activity with old or new friends.

To make matters worse, its been a rough year, his dad and I have been in mediation all year planning to divorce; it’s been stressful so I haven’t been focused on sons social/emotional needs. We have not finalized the separation agreement, life has not been happy at home, but trying to be cordial; we will tell the boys once finalized.

It’s terrifying to realize we’re about to separate and my son does not have a solid friend group to lean on. I’ve talked to his pediatrician and they suspect he is depressed and this is how some boys display depression, by acting out. They are screening for depression and will make recommendations on counseling etc.

WWYD? Do I meet with one of the former friends moms and ask, “hey I noticed the boys haven’t been hanging out; did DS do anything I should know about?” I know I have to be careful on who I ask. I’ve asked my son directly why he doesn’t hang out with old friends or why he doesn’t invite new friends and I don’t get any answers. I feel so sad for him (and us) and want to help but I don’t know how. Whether it’s a rumor or something real, I want to get to the bottom of it. The teen peer group is so important right now and I’m afraid he’s turning into a loner. I know my son can be obnoxious at times but he also has so many great qualities- he is caring, loving, funny, interesting and smart.
.. this seems so permanent.

[Anonymous]

If the moms say he did something heinous, why don’t you ask what that was. It sounds like a lot is going on. Transition to HS is a time when mental health issues surface. He’s dealing with that plus the implosion of his family. And it sounds like he’s been festering for a long while. It’s not getting better on its own.

[Anonymous]

It just happens,

MY DD lost a lot of her friends she had in middle school, she was able to make new ones but stil. I am pretty sure she is vaping now, and she gotten high a few times..

[Anonymous]

OP,
Your child got dropped, not "canceled" since you don't even know why they left him. Try not to use slang you don't understand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP,
Your child got dropped, not "canceled" since you don't even know why they left him. Try not to use slang you don't understand.

DP. I think it may be appropriate, since it happened to a boy in DS’ class. He wasn’t a friend of DS, but sort of an acquaintance from ES.

Apparently he said something over discord, and his whole friend group just dropped him. DS refuses to tell us what the boy said. But it was enough the group all told DS: oh him? He is dead to us.

Cancel might be exactly what happened.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP,
Your child got dropped, not "canceled" since you don't even know why they left him. Try not to use slang you don't understand.

DP. I think it may be appropriate, since it happened to a boy in DS’ class. He wasn’t a friend of DS, but sort of an acquaintance from ES.

Apparently he said something over discord, and his whole friend group just dropped him. DS refuses to tell us what the boy said. But it was enough the group all told DS: oh him? He is dead to us.

Cancel might be exactly what happened.

Teens definitely cancel each other if you say the wrong word.

[Anonymous]

You’re doing a lot of guessing OP. You have no idea if he got cancelled, or dropped, or if he pulled away from his friends because he’s depressed. If you reach out to another mom and she tells you he got canceled, what would you do with that information?

I think it’s better to focus on supporting your son. What you know is that he does have friends and he’s likely depressed. Work with THAT. The pediatrician is a great step. Then go from there.

[Anonymous]

Part of this is just teen boys.
Part of it is still some social after-effects from the pandemic.

Is he engaged in any other types of activities like sports or band?

My 12 year old son got cancelled in middle school after George Floyd's murder because he said you can support police and fight racism at the same time. And went without a friend group for a while, but it wasn't as horrible because everyone was socially isolated. I spent a lot of time taking him to solo activities like skiing so he at least was not on the internet.

He got in with a bad crowd in 9th grade and got in a lot of trouble with fighting and vaping. Got suspended for fighting.

Something clicked and he decided to stop getting in trouble. That meant , for him, dropping all his friends. He was friendless most of 10th grade (and had excellent behavior and amazing grades). I continued to try to invest in taking him places, getting him engaged in other activities, etc.

He finally joined a spring sport at high school and started making friends with kids who don't fight/vape/skip class/etc. That doesn't mean everything is socially perfect.

But I would focus on getting him exposed to groups and activities outside that old friend group. I pretty much forced my son to work the summer between 9th and 10th grades. Made him mature a bit, see that the world was more than high school, and I really think it helped him as he went back to school.


I am really sorry you are going through a separation at the same time. I know that would emotionally exhaust me, and it would be so hard to extend what little energy you have to helping your son navigate through this. Start in baby steps, perhaps. Does he have any interest in swimming/lifeguarding for example? Sign him up for the lifeguard certification class this summer. Get him involved in something a bit different from his regular habits, and it might help him see things a bit differently. It may help him acquire more social skills. It may even expose him to some other kids who could become friends. Sending hugs. I know it can be really rough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP,
Your child got dropped, not "canceled" since you don't even know why they left him. Try not to use slang you don't understand.

DP. I think it may be appropriate, since it happened to a boy in DS’ class. He wasn’t a friend of DS, but sort of an acquaintance from ES.

Apparently he said something over discord, and his whole friend group just dropped him. DS refuses to tell us what the boy said. But it was enough the group all told DS: oh him? He is dead to us.

Cancel might be exactly what happened.

Teens definitely cancel each other if you say the wrong word.

This is definitely true.

It’s different today. Say the wrong word and you’re done; even get accused of saying something and other teens will completely ostracize a kid.

Social media means the whole school instantly knows about it too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP,
Your child got dropped, not "canceled" since you don't even know why they left him. Try not to use slang you don't understand.

DP. I think it may be appropriate, since it happened to a boy in DS’ class. He wasn’t a friend of DS, but sort of an acquaintance from ES.

Apparently he said something over discord, and his whole friend group just dropped him. DS refuses to tell us what the boy said. But it was enough the group all told DS: oh him? He is dead to us.

Cancel might be exactly what happened.

Teens definitely cancel each other if you say the wrong word.

This is definitely true.

It’s different today. Say the wrong word and you’re done; even get accused of saying something and other teens will completely ostracize a kid.

Social media means the whole school instantly knows about it too.

If this were the case, OP would have figured out what her son did, second hand. Your reading uour own bias into this.

Telling that she doesn't deny that her son could have done anything. Sometimes kids are just jerks, and their friends drop them.

[Anonymous]

* you're reading your own

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry OP. This sounds painful all around- and it sounds like you are carrying some guilt too. Be kind to yourself- you are doing your best.

I would consider reaching out to a parent of the old friends if I had a relationship with the parent beyond a loose acquaintance. I wouldn’t ask if he “did something” I would phrase it as you are concerned he isn’t socializing as he used to and if they have any insight about it according to anything they’ve heard from their child.

I think it would be best to put your energy into how to engage him now. What activities or sports can be get involved in? School clubs? A summer job? NOT food service if you think he would be tempted to make “bad” friends. If he isn’t doing self harm, not eating, total recluse, etc. I would continue to just work with him, give him some space over the summer and then see how things go after the school year starts

[Anonymous]

OP it was very wise of you to teach out to the pediatrician and to be open to counseling. Even if he didn't lose the friend group counseling would be the best place to get support for the divorce. It is the rare teenage boy you can "lean on" for that type of support. They don't have the maturity for that. In most cases the friend group is more of a needed buffer and distraction and that is important too.

I agree with so much suggested-get involved with activities to find new friends, get a summer job. Does he play sports. That is such a great outlet and serotonin boost.

I would not reach out to other parents. Teens can be deceptive and they might make him the villain even if it's more about them dumping him for not being x,y,z enough. Maybe he said some stupid things. Maybe he knows and doesn't want to tell you. Doesn't matter. He needs to be forming more connections. As an adult there will be times he drifts from friend groups due to moves, new jobs, or whatever. He needs practice finding new friends and building a life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP,
Your child got dropped, not "canceled" since you don't even know why they left him. Try not to use slang you don't understand.

Try not to use slang period. It’s annoying

I would call the nicest mother from the group and ask her if she knows what happened. I hope he has summer plans so he doesn’t sit by himself until school starts.

[Anonymous]

OP go back to the mom who told you he did something heinous. I would find out from her the details and then go from there.

Good luck, it sucks that this is happning.