How can I help my friend who's overwhelmed by intensive UMC mom life?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don’t blame is on the elderly parents because she is signing up for all this busy work. You don’t have to accept every challenge at school. She will be taken advantage of. And really, she “has” to plan vacations? And, she has a mother’s helper. Does she have cleaning people too? Maybe she feels safe venting to you or maybe she likes to keep busy to avoid other things in her life. All you can do is listen. And, I would ask why she believes she must do every activity?

Ok, the advice "Give up vacations and seeing your friends at school stuff so you can spend more time on eldercare and family administration tedium" is not going to make anyone happier. She's doing some things because she enjoys them. She's doing some things for the sake of others-- her children, her DH, and her parents. It makes sense to me. And yes, the "volunteering" expectation at private schools is quite different.

This will get better when one of her parents passes away, and when the children grow older.

OP here. I get the point that eldercare is emotionally draining, though her elderly parents are in another country, and having to arrange things for them (via phone/email) is a fairly recent development, so it's definitely not the bulk of the stressors. She spends most of her time venting about the kid/school related stuff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a friend who moved to another state several years ago, and we stay in touch via phone and occasional visits.
Every time we chat, she seems more and more stressed.

My friend has two ES kids, stays at home, and has a mother's helper after school. Her partner works long hours and can't help much. She seems to have gotten caught up in some kind of mommy hamster wheel.

First, the kids must be in a top private school. Apparently at this school the teachers point out what each kid struggles with and parents are supposed to be involved at home helping work on the kids' growth areas. So she is very hands on in that. She is also involved in all the school activities (class parties, auctions, moms nights out, etc). The kids also do extracurriculars together with their friends from school, so they have busy extracurricular schedules. The kids are very social and so they are always getting invited to parties and playdates, and then they ask her to host parties and playdates. She's very strict about healthy organic food for the kids, everything homemade, etc. Also planning really nice vacations for them. She is also dealing with supporting elderly parents.

I am just worried because she seems stressed and unhappy, and she is regularly complaining about all this invisible workload and how busy she is. She is reluctant to drop anything because "It's for the kids, and I love my kids and want to give them the best chance in life." Also I think because she sees all the other moms in her circle living like this and there's peer pressure.

I've tried telling her that she's an amazing mom, and would still be an amazing mom if she did half of what she does now. She kind of brushes it off.

I don't want to push her or change her, but it's just hard to see someone I care about struggling. Do you think there is any hope? What should I do next time we talk and she starts complaining about being overwhelmed by all of these things she feels she must do?

She has ample money to throw at her problems.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have her life but I have 3 kids. I enjoy my life and not stressed about it. I host often. I am not so obsessed with the overly healthy eating. My 3 kids all play sports. We are naturally thin people. We have a closet full of snacks, healthy and unhealthy. My kids’ friends often say we have the best snacks. I always serve fruit to kids but they can also have cookies or ice cream if they want.

OP here. I think my friend is surrounded by obnoxious moms like this PP, who are all like, "Well, I have 3 kids and I do everything and I'm not stressed! Oh and PS I'm also skinny" (how is this even relevant?)

I am skinny but I have a dying parent. The thin comment was about food. We love food but we don’t eat overly healthy but we are naturally thin and my kids play a lot of sports and burn calories so that ice cream and dessert daily is ok. My dad needs 24-7 care. I’m not sure what was obnoxious about my post. I have 3 kids. I host a lot. I’m a room parent and organizing end of year parties. I host multiple play dates at my house weekly, carpool to sports, host my husband’s work colleagues, etc.

Tone is important. You probably can’t hear my tone.

Don’t know if it matters but we also dress very casually. Our whole family is often the underdressed family anywhere we go. I don’t feel the want or need to impress others.

[Anonymous]

She sounds like a perfectionist. Does she have any signs of an anxiety disorder? I would just keep giving her the feedback any good friend should - you are doing great, you are a great mom, everything will work out. Sometimes moms are our own worst critics and it sounds like she is making herself depressed comparing herself to others and not allowing herself to many any mistakes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have her life but I have 3 kids. I enjoy my life and not stressed about it. I host often. I am not so obsessed with the overly healthy eating. My 3 kids all play sports. We are naturally thin people. We have a closet full of snacks, healthy and unhealthy. My kids’ friends often say we have the best snacks. I always serve fruit to kids but they can also have cookies or ice cream if they want.

OP here. I think my friend is surrounded by obnoxious moms like this PP, who are all like, "Well, I have 3 kids and I do everything and I'm not stressed! Oh and PS I'm also skinny" (how is this even relevant?)

I am skinny but I have a dying parent. The thin comment was about food. We love food but we don’t eat overly healthy but we are naturally thin and my kids play a lot of sports and burn calories so that ice cream and dessert daily is ok. My dad needs 24-7 care. I’m not sure what was obnoxious about my post. I have 3 kids. I host a lot. I’m a room parent and organizing end of year parties. I host multiple play dates at my house weekly, carpool to sports, host my husband’s work colleagues, etc.

Tone is important. You probably can’t hear my tone.

Don’t know if it matters but we also dress very casually. Our whole family is often the underdressed family anywhere we go. I don’t feel the want or need to impress others.

Not OP but man, that’s awful. So sorry to hear you (and your parent!) are going through that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a friend who moved to another state several years ago, and we stay in touch via phone and occasional visits.
Every time we chat, she seems more and more stressed.

My friend has two ES kids, stays at home, and has a mother's helper after school. Her partner works long hours and can't help much. She seems to have gotten caught up in some kind of mommy hamster wheel.

First, the kids must be in a top private school. Apparently at this school the teachers point out what each kid struggles with and parents are supposed to be involved at home helping work on the kids' growth areas. So she is very hands on in that. She is also involved in all the school activities (class parties, auctions, moms nights out, etc). The kids also do extracurriculars together with their friends from school, so they have busy extracurricular schedules. The kids are very social and so they are always getting invited to parties and playdates, and then they ask her to host parties and playdates. She's very strict about healthy organic food for the kids, everything homemade, etc. Also planning really nice vacations for them. She is also dealing with supporting elderly parents.

I am just worried because she seems stressed and unhappy, and she is regularly complaining about all this invisible workload and how busy she is. She is reluctant to drop anything because "It's for the kids, and I love my kids and want to give them the best chance in life." Also I think because she sees all the other moms in her circle living like this and there's peer pressure.

I've tried telling her that she's an amazing mom, and would still be an amazing mom if she did half of what she does now. She kind of brushes it off.

I don't want to push her or change her, but it's just hard to see someone I care about struggling. Do you think there is any hope? What should I do next time we talk and she starts complaining about being overwhelmed by all of these things she feels she must do?

She has ample money to throw at her problems.

I can't imagine having the patience to hear about this. I would probably put her on speakerphone and take care of some chores across the room. Sounds like she needs more to do, not less - can't imagine whining about this and expecting sympathy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you also a parent? If not, it's possible she won't feel that you understand the pressure she's under (though I agree that with you).

OP here. I should have mentioned, I am also a mom of two kids the same age as hers. We chose to forgo private or top-rated public schools because I wasn't interested in intensive/competitive parenting. Our school has just a few events, and I keep my kids' ECs and social lives more low-key. I'm more laid back with very simple food, kids playing on their own, put on the TV when I'm stressed. My partner gave up his high-pay/long-hours job to pitch in more at home.

We talked about our different choices and why we made them years ago. I don't judge or try to convert her, and she doesn't judge or try to convert me. I wish she could see, though, that it doesn't have to be this hard and she doesn't have to do all the things and her kids will still turn out wonderful!!! If she were happy, it'd be fine. But literally every conversation, she's venting about all these things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She sounds like a perfectionist. Does she have any signs of an anxiety disorder? I would just keep giving her the feedback any good friend should - you are doing great, you are a great mom, everything will work out. Sometimes moms are our own worst critics and it sounds like she is making herself depressed comparing herself to others and not allowing herself to many any mistakes.

OP. Yes, this is definitely her. I am not going to clinically diagnose her, but she's definitely a perfectionist and she worries all the time about her kids and doing the right thing. I will give her more supportive feedback/comments!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have her life but I have 3 kids. I enjoy my life and not stressed about it. I host often. I am not so obsessed with the overly healthy eating. My 3 kids all play sports. We are naturally thin people. We have a closet full of snacks, healthy and unhealthy. My kids’ friends often say we have the best snacks. I always serve fruit to kids but they can also have cookies or ice cream if they want.

OP here. I think my friend is surrounded by obnoxious moms like this PP, who are all like, "Well, I have 3 kids and I do everything and I'm not stressed! Oh and PS I'm also skinny" (how is this even relevant?)

This 100%. The hamster wheel is more tolerable when there are other hamsters who can commiserate. Anyway, that PP is troll who always pops in with irrelevant pats on her back. Probably not even a parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a friend who moved to another state several years ago, and we stay in touch via phone and occasional visits.
Every time we chat, she seems more and more stressed.

My friend has two ES kids, stays at home, and has a mother's helper after school. Her partner works long hours and can't help much. She seems to have gotten caught up in some kind of mommy hamster wheel.

First, the kids must be in a top private school. Apparently at this school the teachers point out what each kid struggles with and parents are supposed to be involved at home helping work on the kids' growth areas. So she is very hands on in that. She is also involved in all the school activities (class parties, auctions, moms nights out, etc). The kids also do extracurriculars together with their friends from school, so they have busy extracurricular schedules. The kids are very social and so they are always getting invited to parties and playdates, and then they ask her to host parties and playdates. She's very strict about healthy organic food for the kids, everything homemade, etc. Also planning really nice vacations for them. She is also dealing with supporting elderly parents.

I am just worried because she seems stressed and unhappy, and she is regularly complaining about all this invisible workload and how busy she is. She is reluctant to drop anything because "It's for the kids, and I love my kids and want to give them the best chance in life." Also I think because she sees all the other moms in her circle living like this and there's peer pressure.

I've tried telling her that she's an amazing mom, and would still be an amazing mom if she did half of what she does now. She kind of brushes it off.

I don't want to push her or change her, but it's just hard to see someone I care about struggling. Do you think there is any hope? What should I do next time we talk and she starts complaining about being overwhelmed by all of these things she feels she must do?

There’s nothing you can do. All you can do is choose whether to serve as a sounding board for her or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have her life but I have 3 kids. I enjoy my life and not stressed about it. I host often. I am not so obsessed with the overly healthy eating. My 3 kids all play sports. We are naturally thin people. We have a closet full of snacks, healthy and unhealthy. My kids’ friends often say we have the best snacks. I always serve fruit to kids but they can also have cookies or ice cream if they want.

OP here. I think my friend is surrounded by obnoxious moms like this PP, who are all like, "Well, I have 3 kids and I do everything and I'm not stressed! Oh and PS I'm also skinny" (how is this even relevant?)

This 100%. The hamster wheel is more tolerable when there are other hamsters who can commiserate. Anyway, that PP is troll who always pops in with irrelevant pats on her back. Probably not even a parent.

Why in the world would I post on a parenting forum if I did not have children?

I very well am busy with my kids’ year end events. I enjoy planning and hosting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don’t blame is on the elderly parents because she is signing up for all this busy work. You don’t have to accept every challenge at school. She will be taken advantage of. And really, she “has” to plan vacations? And, she has a mother’s helper. Does she have cleaning people too? Maybe she feels safe venting to you or maybe she likes to keep busy to avoid other things in her life. All you can do is listen. And, I would ask why she believes she must do every activity?

Ok, the advice "Give up vacations and seeing your friends at school stuff so you can spend more time on eldercare and family administration tedium" is not going to make anyone happier. She's doing some things because she enjoys them. She's doing some things for the sake of others-- her children, her DH, and her parents. It makes sense to me. And yes, the "volunteering" expectation at private schools is quite different.

This will get better when one of her parents passes away, and when the children grow older.

OP here. I get the point that eldercare is emotionally draining, though her elderly parents are in another country, and having to arrange things for them (via phone/email) is a fairly recent development, so it's definitely not the bulk of the stressors. She spends most of her time venting about the kid/school related stuff.

So she doesn't have any family support? That alone can be draining.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don’t blame is on the elderly parents because she is signing up for all this busy work. You don’t have to accept every challenge at school. She will be taken advantage of. And really, she “has” to plan vacations? And, she has a mother’s helper. Does she have cleaning people too? Maybe she feels safe venting to you or maybe she likes to keep busy to avoid other things in her life. All you can do is listen. And, I would ask why she believes she must do every activity?

Ok, the advice "Give up vacations and seeing your friends at school stuff so you can spend more time on eldercare and family administration tedium" is not going to make anyone happier. She's doing some things because she enjoys them. She's doing some things for the sake of others-- her children, her DH, and her parents. It makes sense to me. And yes, the "volunteering" expectation at private schools is quite different.

This will get better when one of her parents passes away, and when the children grow older.

OP here. I get the point that eldercare is emotionally draining, though her elderly parents are in another country, and having to arrange things for them (via phone/email) is a fairly recent development, so it's definitely not the bulk of the stressors. She spends most of her time venting about the kid/school related stuff.

So she doesn't have any family support? That alone can be draining.

I think she's probably really lonely without her parents and without her DH's time spent with her. The school stuff is done so that she can have friends. Caring for elderly parents in another country is hard too, you always worry that they're being taken advantage of and there's the time difference and the different health system, maybe not a good health system, and you feel like their last years are slipping by without seeing them in person. It might not be as time-consuming, but it's still hard. She's probably talking about kid stuff because she thinks you can relate and because the eldercare/grief stuff is hard to talk about.

[Anonymous]

OP, I wonder if you're taking this all a little too personally because your friend made different life choices. But who knows, if she'd behaved similarly to you, she may have been equally or even less unhappy.

[Anonymous]

This is hardly unique to your friend’s situation. I have a single mom friend who is stressed and overwhelmed all the time. I have another friend who has two very difficult kids and literally everything in their lives sound unnecessary difficult, even just going to school or getting dressed.