How can I help my friend who's overwhelmed by intensive UMC mom life?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I wonder if you're taking this all a little too personally because your friend made different life choices. But who knows, if she'd behaved similarly to you, she may have been equally or even less unhappy.

I would be very unhappy having average or below average children. If I had a ho hum job, average husband and average life, I would be so disappointed. To each their own.

[Anonymous]

I think you need to stop focusing on the details of what she’s complaining about OP and listen between the lines. What she’s saying is, “I feel overwhelmed ALL THE TIME and can’t get a handle on my life no matter what I do and k don’t know how everyone else does it.” That’s anxiety. Making suggestions about the specifics of PTA or mother’s helpers or whatnot is just rearranging chairs on the deck of the Titanic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don’t blame is on the elderly parents because she is signing up for all this busy work. You don’t have to accept every challenge at school. She will be taken advantage of. And really, she “has” to plan vacations? And, she has a mother’s helper. Does she have cleaning people too? Maybe she feels safe venting to you or maybe she likes to keep busy to avoid other things in her life. All you can do is listen. And, I would ask why she believes she must do every activity?

Ok, the advice "Give up vacations and seeing your friends at school stuff so you can spend more time on eldercare and family administration tedium" is not going to make anyone happier. She's doing some things because she enjoys them. She's doing some things for the sake of others-- her children, her DH, and her parents. It makes sense to me. And yes, the "volunteering" expectation at private schools is quite different.

This will get better when one of her parents passes away, and when the children grow older.

OP here. I get the point that eldercare is emotionally draining, though her elderly parents are in another country, and having to arrange things for them (via phone/email) is a fairly recent development, so it's definitely not the bulk of the stressors. She spends most of her time venting about the kid/school related stuff.

She should find 3rd party paid help for this.

As for the rest, many moms do this. And work full-time in/out of the house at a paying job. It is a lot.

[Anonymous]

You can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped. I have found that some people thrive on being miserable. If she really wanted to change, there are so, so many ways she could.

[Anonymous]

The suggestion is: we all make choices. You can choose to be less perfectionistic and not succumb to peer pressure. Your life is what you make of it. But as someone who does all of that plus has a demanding job, my sympathy is very limited here. It's here job and, other than eldercare, not an especially demanding one since her kids are in school.

[Anonymous]

^^her not here

[Anonymous]

I could say the same of my friend overwhelmed with her ADHD child or another friend dealing with divorce.

I would say more working moms seem more overwhelmed in real life. They also have an UMC life with kids. They are juggling the demands of work with kids who do a lot. Some people handle it better than others/

[Anonymous]

She enjoys this. She likes being busy and "stressed". It makes her feel important. She could stop at any time.

[Anonymous]

OP, she's not that into you. The complaints are something to talk about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is hardly unique to your friend’s situation. I have a single mom friend who is stressed and overwhelmed all the time. I have another friend who has two very difficult kids and literally everything in their lives sound unnecessary difficult, even just going to school or getting dressed.

Neither of these women sound like they are choosing their difficulties.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I wonder if you're taking this all a little too personally because your friend made different life choices. But who knows, if she'd behaved similarly to you, she may have been equally or even less unhappy.

I would be very unhappy having average or below average children. If I had a ho hum job, average husband and average life, I would be so disappointed. To each their own.

I feel bad for women who think the only two options are the private school pressure cooker or an “average life”, whatever that means.

[Anonymous]

Just plan a ‘girls getaway’ weekend with her so she can take a step back from her life and maybe re-evaluate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I wonder if you're taking this all a little too personally because your friend made different life choices. But who knows, if she'd behaved similarly to you, she may have been equally or even less unhappy.

I would be very unhappy having average or below average children. If I had a ho hum job, average husband and average life, I would be so disappointed. To each their own.

OP’s friend doesn’t sound exceptional or accomplished in any particular way. Just busy. There is a difference.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She enjoys this. She likes being busy and "stressed". It makes her feel important. She could stop at any time.

+2

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I wonder if you're taking this all a little too personally because your friend made different life choices. But who knows, if she'd behaved similarly to you, she may have been equally or even less unhappy.

I would be very unhappy having average or below average children. If I had a ho hum job, average husband and average life, I would be so disappointed. To each their own.

OP’s friend doesn’t sound exceptional or accomplished in any particular way. Just busy. There is a difference.

Some people are just more competent than others.