How can I help my friend who's overwhelmed by intensive UMC mom life?

[Anonymous]

*Pantry full of snacks.

[Anonymous]

She either needs to outsource more or drop a few balls.

[Anonymous]

Don’t blame is on the elderly parents because she is signing up for all this busy work. You don’t have to accept every challenge at school. She will be taken advantage of. And really, she “has” to plan vacations? And, she has a mother’s helper. Does she have cleaning people too? Maybe she feels safe venting to you or maybe she likes to keep busy to avoid other things in her life. All you can do is listen. And, I would ask why she believes she must do every activity?

[Anonymous]

I think that, generally, when someone is regularly complaining about their life a good response is to ask them, with compassion and genuine curiosity, "What are you going to do to change/fix this situation?" It can help break out of the cycle of complaining and focus them on making proactive changes. Or, if they really just want to complain, it forces them to confront the fact that they actually don't want to change things, they just want to gripe. It might also bring to the surface ways that you might actually be able to help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think that, generally, when someone is regularly complaining about their life a good response is to ask them, with compassion and genuine curiosity, "What are you going to do to change/fix this situation?" It can help break out of the cycle of complaining and focus them on making proactive changes. Or, if they really just want to complain, it forces them to confront the fact that they actually don't want to change things, they just want to gripe. It might also bring to the surface ways that you might actually be able to help.

Some people just get overwhelmed easily. I vent to my good friends only. We always say to one another that we do too much at the school and still do it. I’m scrambling to move an outdoor end of school party indoors because of this air quality code red. Yes, I am scrambling. It is no big deal.

I know the types of people your friend needs to “impress”. There are certain people who stress me about food. Guess what? I don’t invite them to my home. My kids are older now so it is drop off. I don’t stress or care what some 11 year old thinks about what I’m feeding him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it's really the eldercare that's getting her down. Eldercare is HARD and it's not like raising children where they grow and change in mostly positive ways. Instead it's loss, difficulty, and ultimately death. It can be loving and fulfilling but it's also hard, hard, hard. I would think she's in anticipatory grief for the parents, overwhelmed by their needs, and feels alone in it all because her DH is absent.

So well put, PP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have her life but I have 3 kids. I enjoy my life and not stressed about it. I host often. I am not so obsessed with the overly healthy eating. My 3 kids all play sports. We are naturally thin people. We have a closet full of snacks, healthy and unhealthy. My kids’ friends often say we have the best snacks. I always serve fruit to kids but they can also have cookies or ice cream if they want.

Hmm....How much eldercare are you doing? My guess is that its minimal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think that, generally, when someone is regularly complaining about their life a good response is to ask them, with compassion and genuine curiosity, "What are you going to do to change/fix this situation?" It can help break out of the cycle of complaining and focus them on making proactive changes. Or, if they really just want to complain, it forces them to confront the fact that they actually don't want to change things, they just want to gripe. It might also bring to the surface ways that you might actually be able to help.

I agree. Maybe add on some words of empathy first, like yeah I hear you, girl, there are a lot of people deepening in you now.

She may also need some praise, so be proactive with that about how she's an awesome mom and daughter next time you see her. It's not your job to part her on her back for work she's created for herself, but a good friend looks to see what your friend may need in the moment. She may feel underappreciated by her family (who doesn't?).
Then say "do you have any parenting book recommendations? I just read this amazing one called "the self driven child."

(It actually is a great book that helped me back off my kids and realize that they're better off in the long run if sometimes I'm less involved. There's also some YouTube talks by the authors if that's more your style. Or you can sub in "the blessing of a skinned knee," another good one, maybe better for parents of younger children than the self driven child. Teaches why being a helicopter parent trying to do everything is not in your kids' best interests.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think that, generally, when someone is regularly complaining about their life a good response is to ask them, with compassion and genuine curiosity, "What are you going to do to change/fix this situation?" It can help break out of the cycle of complaining and focus them on making proactive changes. Or, if they really just want to complain, it forces them to confront the fact that they actually don't want to change things, they just want to gripe. It might also bring to the surface ways that you might actually be able to help.

I agree. Maybe add on some words of empathy first, like yeah I hear you, girl, there are a lot of people deepening in you now.

She may also need some praise, so be proactive with that about how she's an awesome mom and daughter next time you see her. It's not your job to part her on her back for work she's created for herself, but a good friend looks to see what your friend may need in the moment. She may feel underappreciated by her family (who doesn't?).
Then say "do you have any parenting book recommendations? I just read this amazing one called "the self driven child."

(It actually is a great book that helped me back off my kids and realize that they're better off in the long run if sometimes I'm less involved. There's also some YouTube talks by the authors if that's more your style. Or you can sub in "the blessing of a skinned knee," another good one, maybe better for parents of younger children than the self driven child. Teaches why being a helicopter parent trying to do everything is not in your kids' best interests.)

Loved both “blessings of a skinned knee” and “self-driven child.” They should send you home from the hospital with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don’t blame is on the elderly parents because she is signing up for all this busy work. You don’t have to accept every challenge at school. She will be taken advantage of. And really, she “has” to plan vacations? And, she has a mother’s helper. Does she have cleaning people too? Maybe she feels safe venting to you or maybe she likes to keep busy to avoid other things in her life. All you can do is listen. And, I would ask why she believes she must do every activity?

Ok, the advice "Give up vacations and seeing your friends at school stuff so you can spend more time on eldercare and family administration tedium" is not going to make anyone happier. She's doing some things because she enjoys them. She's doing some things for the sake of others-- her children, her DH, and her parents. It makes sense to me. And yes, the "volunteering" expectation at private schools is quite different.

This will get better when one of her parents passes away, and when the children grow older.

[Anonymous]

Why don't you ask how you can help her? And what she expects from you when she starts regularly complaining about her invisible workload?

(by the way, I don't really think there is much you can do. Your friend needs to come to terms with the choices she has made and decide whether they are choices worth making. You can't listen and hear her think it out. But you cannot make sure decide or exercise adult agency.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have her life but I have 3 kids. I enjoy my life and not stressed about it. I host often. I am not so obsessed with the overly healthy eating. My 3 kids all play sports. We are naturally thin people. We have a closet full of snacks, healthy and unhealthy. My kids’ friends often say we have the best snacks. I always serve fruit to kids but they can also have cookies or ice cream if they want.

Heh congratulations? What does being thin have to do with any of this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why don't you ask how you can help her? And what she expects from you when she starts regularly complaining about her invisible workload?

(by the way, I don't really think there is much you can do. Your friend needs to come to terms with the choices she has made and decide whether they are choices worth making. You can't listen and hear her think it out. But you cannot make sure decide or exercise adult agency.)

You _can_ listen (sorry, typo).

[Anonymous]

Her life sounds like pretty much everyone else’s life in this phase of life. Maybe she just likes to complain? Just nod and make sympathetic expressions and move on. What is so terribly demanding in her life? In fact most of us are doing all this with three kids and a full time job. Your friend probably isn’t the kind who can handle multiple things at once and easily gets overwhelmed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have her life but I have 3 kids. I enjoy my life and not stressed about it. I host often. I am not so obsessed with the overly healthy eating. My 3 kids all play sports. We are naturally thin people. We have a closet full of snacks, healthy and unhealthy. My kids’ friends often say we have the best snacks. I always serve fruit to kids but they can also have cookies or ice cream if they want.

OP here. I think my friend is surrounded by obnoxious moms like this PP, who are all like, "Well, I have 3 kids and I do everything and I'm not stressed! Oh and PS I'm also skinny" (how is this even relevant?)