How can I help my friend who's overwhelmed by intensive UMC mom life?

[Anonymous]

I have a friend who moved to another state several years ago, and we stay in touch via phone and occasional visits.
Every time we chat, she seems more and more stressed.

My friend has two ES kids, stays at home, and has a mother's helper after school. Her partner works long hours and can't help much. She seems to have gotten caught up in some kind of mommy hamster wheel.

First, the kids must be in a top private school. Apparently at this school the teachers point out what each kid struggles with and parents are supposed to be involved at home helping work on the kids' growth areas. So she is very hands on in that. She is also involved in all the school activities (class parties, auctions, moms nights out, etc). The kids also do extracurriculars together with their friends from school, so they have busy extracurricular schedules. The kids are very social and so they are always getting invited to parties and playdates, and then they ask her to host parties and playdates. She's very strict about healthy organic food for the kids, everything homemade, etc. Also planning really nice vacations for them. She is also dealing with supporting elderly parents.

I am just worried because she seems stressed and unhappy, and she is regularly complaining about all this invisible workload and how busy she is. She is reluctant to drop anything because "It's for the kids, and I love my kids and want to give them the best chance in life." Also I think because she sees all the other moms in her circle living like this and there's peer pressure.

I've tried telling her that she's an amazing mom, and would still be an amazing mom if she did half of what she does now. She kind of brushes it off.

I don't want to push her or change her, but it's just hard to see someone I care about struggling. Do you think there is any hope? What should I do next time we talk and she starts complaining about being overwhelmed by all of these things she feels she must do?

[Anonymous]

I think it's really the eldercare that's getting her down. Eldercare is HARD and it's not like raising children where they grow and change in mostly positive ways. Instead it's loss, difficulty, and ultimately death. It can be loving and fulfilling but it's also hard, hard, hard. I would think she's in anticipatory grief for the parents, overwhelmed by their needs, and feels alone in it all because her DH is absent.

[Anonymous]

Are you also a parent? If not, it's possible she won't feel that you understand the pressure she's under (though I agree that with you).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it's really the eldercare that's getting her down. Eldercare is HARD and it's not like raising children where they grow and change in mostly positive ways. Instead it's loss, difficulty, and ultimately death. It can be loving and fulfilling but it's also hard, hard, hard. I would think she's in anticipatory grief for the parents, overwhelmed by their needs, and feels alone in it all because her DH is absent.

I agree. I think eldercare might be the real problem.

A lot of kid activities are very enjoyable to some people. Clearly she's a SAHM because she enjoys them. If she didn't enjoy them, she'd go back to work and outsource these. I LOVE planning vacations, planning birthday parties, organizing kid stuff, sitting at soccer games, going to playgrounds.

I would just listen and nod your head. She just wants someone to vent to, not someone to problem solve her life for her.

[Anonymous]

I would think the kid stuff is fun and interesting for her and is also her social life and interpersonal outlet. If she doesn't do it, she'll spend basically zero time with other adults (aside from doing eldercare).

You think you're being nice, but what you're really doing is telling her she's wasting her time doing unnecessary things. And that's just going to annoy her and make her think you don't understand her situation. She has reasons for the things she does, reasons that you might not be aware of (like, maybe one of her kids actually isn't doing well and needs intervention).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it's really the eldercare that's getting her down. Eldercare is HARD and it's not like raising children where they grow and change in mostly positive ways. Instead it's loss, difficulty, and ultimately death. It can be loving and fulfilling but it's also hard, hard, hard. I would think she's in anticipatory grief for the parents, overwhelmed by their needs, and feels alone in it all because her DH is absent.

100% ageee! This has been my life. Caring for my parents has so negatively impacted my life and health.

[Anonymous]

This is life. She is an adult. You don't need to help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is life. She is an adult. You don't need to help.

Agree. This is my life, minus the mothers helper.

Tell her drop the school volunteering. Unnecessary and the kids don’t care.

[Anonymous]

She should definitely hire someone for eldercare, also outsource some household help like cooking and cleaning so she can devote her time to her kids. (assuming this is possible since you mentioned kids are in private, partner works long hours)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is life. She is an adult. You don't need to help.

Agree. This is my life, minus the mothers helper.

Tell her drop the school volunteering. Unnecessary and the kids don’t care.

As someone on this hamster wheel plus a full time job, the school volunteering is necessary if she is in private school. If you blow it off you get worse treatment at the school unless you are a big donor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is life. She is an adult. You don't need to help.

Sad attitude on your part. Women bear these burdens.

[Anonymous]

The real problem is likely sandwich generation pressure, and less so "mommy hamster wheel."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is life. She is an adult. You don't need to help.

This

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is life. She is an adult. You don't need to help.

Sad attitude on your part. Women bear these burdens.

DP - She is actively choosing her burdens other than the eldercare. She could definitely drop some of them if she wanted to. It's not OPs problem to fix, if it's even a problem at all!

[Anonymous]

I have her life but I have 3 kids. I enjoy my life and not stressed about it. I host often. I am not so obsessed with the overly healthy eating. My 3 kids all play sports. We are naturally thin people. We have a closet full of snacks, healthy and unhealthy. My kids’ friends often say we have the best snacks. I always serve fruit to kids but they can also have cookies or ice cream if they want.