How can I help my friend who's overwhelmed by intensive UMC mom life?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped. I have found that some people thrive on being miserable. If she really wanted to change, there are so, so many ways she could.

Maybe, or she needs a loving friend to point out to her that she may want to talk to a professional. I went through a period of depression and honestly didn’t realize how bad it had gotten until a friend, very kindly, told me that she couldn’t be my sounding board anymore and that she thought I needed help more than she could provide. I went to a professional, got on meds, and felt so much better after about five months of treatment. If OP is starting to see real signals that this friend is struggling, it might be worth suggesting to her that she be evaluated. Sometimes even a light daily dose of lexapro can help someone manage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a friend who moved to another state several years ago, and we stay in touch via phone and occasional visits.
Every time we chat, she seems more and more stressed.

My friend has two ES kids, stays at home, and has a mother's helper after school. Her partner works long hours and can't help much. She seems to have gotten caught up in some kind of mommy hamster wheel.

First, the kids must be in a top private school. Apparently at this school the teachers point out what each kid struggles with and parents are supposed to be involved at home helping work on the kids' growth areas. So she is very hands on in that. She is also involved in all the school activities (class parties, auctions, moms nights out, etc). The kids also do extracurriculars together with their friends from school, so they have busy extracurricular schedules. The kids are very social and so they are always getting invited to parties and playdates, and then they ask her to host parties and playdates. She's very strict about healthy organic food for the kids, everything homemade, etc. Also planning really nice vacations for them. She is also dealing with supporting elderly parents.

I am just worried because she seems stressed and unhappy, and she is regularly complaining about all this invisible workload and how busy she is. She is reluctant to drop anything because "It's for the kids, and I love my kids and want to give them the best chance in life." Also I think because she sees all the other moms in her circle living like this and there's peer pressure.

I've tried telling her that she's an amazing mom, and would still be an amazing mom if she did half of what she does now. She kind of brushes it off.

I don't want to push her or change her, but it's just hard to see someone I care about struggling. Do you think there is any hope? What should I do next time we talk and she starts complaining about being overwhelmed by all of these things she feels she must do?

Is this for real?

[Anonymous]

I would stop being friends with this privileged complainer immediately.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I wonder if you're taking this all a little too personally because your friend made different life choices. But who knows, if she'd behaved similarly to you, she may have been equally or even less unhappy.

I would be very unhappy having average or below average children. If I had a ho hum job, average husband and average life, I would be so disappointed. To each their own.

OP’s friend doesn’t sound exceptional or accomplished in any particular way. Just busy. There is a difference.

Some people are just more competent than others.

Which excludes OP’s friend, who can’t handle her self-imposed busywork.

[Anonymous]

If she’s such a perfectionist and exceptional person, why does she only have a mother’s helper? She needs to hire a full time nanny/housekeeper and home aides for her parents, and continue with her activities. That way she won’t be stressed and she can go all out with the private school stuff. People who can’t afford extra help and stretch themselves should not be sending their kids to these demanding private schools.

[Anonymous]

Some people just like to complain.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have her life but I have 3 kids. I enjoy my life and not stressed about it. I host often. I am not so obsessed with the overly healthy eating. My 3 kids all play sports. We are naturally thin people. We have a closet full of snacks, healthy and unhealthy. My kids’ friends often say we have the best snacks. I always serve fruit to kids but they can also have cookies or ice cream if they want.

I know this is off topic, what type of snacks do you have besides the fruit and cookies and ice cream?