Hiring a private investigator?

[Anonymous]

It’s reasonable to hire a PI to ensure she’s not homeless or in a cult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: We have been waiting for them to grow out of the difficult time and come home again.

It's hard to say when you're only hearing one side of the story.

But this sentence is really giving me estranged parent vibes. I assume coming home again means coming back in to the family fold (and not actually moving physically home). You're putting all the blame on your DC, labeling them as being difficult, and waiting for them to pretty much get over it. Where are you in all of this? Also, saying that they are being difficult is not a specific complaint. Certainly no reason to send a PI after them. People are allowed to be difficult.

If you believe your DC is potentially in danger....and actually have something substantial to base that feeling on....then by all means, as a parent, make sure they are OK. There are many ways to do this...hiring a PI would have to be a last resort.

But I get the feeling the concern here is really that she cut communication with you. From your 2nd post, it sounds like DC has a job and is living with roommates. Sounds like they are doing well. So what exactly do you need a PI for?

Do you have a young adult child? I do, and can appreciate this poor momma is worried sick.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:https://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons.html

Read this, OP, and see if you recognize yourself. But you won't.

That is a horrible forum, full of nut jobs who can't seem to put things into perspective even after estrangement. I am estranged from my parents BTW.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: We have been waiting for them to grow out of the difficult time and come home again.

It's hard to say when you're only hearing one side of the story.

But this sentence is really giving me estranged parent vibes. I assume coming home again means coming back in to the family fold (and not actually moving physically home). You're putting all the blame on your DC, labeling them as being difficult, and waiting for them to pretty much get over it. Where are you in all of this? Also, saying that they are being difficult is not a specific complaint. Certainly no reason to send a PI after them. People are allowed to be difficult.

If you believe your DC is potentially in danger....and actually have something substantial to base that feeling on....then by all means, as a parent, make sure they are OK. There are many ways to do this...hiring a PI would have to be a last resort.

But I get the feeling the concern here is really that she cut communication with you. From your 2nd post, it sounds like DC has a job and is living with roommates. Sounds like they are doing well. So what exactly do you need a PI for?

Do you have a young adult child? I do, and can appreciate this poor momma is worried sick.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:https://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons.html

Read this, OP, and see if you recognize yourself. But you won't.

It isn't always the parents. It's often mental illness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:https://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons.html

Read this, OP, and see if you recognize yourself. But you won't.

It isn't always the parents. It's often mental illness.

This is true. It's also true that "going no-contact" is a crude and childish way of dealing with a problematic relationship. Part of being a mentally healthy, mature adult is developing the skills to navigate relationships that don't perfectly align with your demands.

[Anonymous]

OP's question breaks my heart. I think she should do it, without tipping off the daughter (at least at first). When you're trying to solve a problem, more information is always better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why was contact cut? That will change my answer.

I have a relative who cut contact because their parents didn't accept that they were gay.

I have a friend who cut contact because her parents told her and her siblings that no inheritance will be left to them in the future.

Some cutting contact makes sense. If they can’t accept their child is gay they the child just needs to tell them not to contact them until they decide to accept them.

Other contact cutting is pure selfishness on the child. Like finding out the parents aren’t paying their way anymore.

It goes both ways.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have to be very rigorous about putting down your personal feelings about her lifestyle choices, and focusing only on: is she with someone who his abusing or isolating her.

If it's something like she's a lesbian and you don't accep3t that, leave it be.

If she's dating a criminal and getting addicted to drugs like heroin or meth (not marijuana), or if she won't talk to *anyone* outside her partner's circle, investigate and keep tabs an involve law enforcement if necessary.

Do you have any relatives or her old friends who can reach out?

A lot of people came out as LGBT in 2020 and 2021. I'd guess this is the answer. Could be lesbian, could be bi, could trans or nonbinary and on testosterone and she's just "waiting" for her DC to return home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:https://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons.html

Read this, OP, and see if you recognize yourself. But you won't.

It isn't always the parents. It's often mental illness.

This is true. It's also true that "going no-contact" is a crude and childish way of dealing with a problematic relationship. Part of being a mentally healthy, mature adult is developing the skills to navigate relationships that don't perfectly align with your demands.

Going no contact is a valid response to emotional abuse from your parents. When I came out to my mom, she spent the next 9 months calling me every other week and screaming at me through the phone. There's only so much of that a person can take and I dealt with it for a lot longer than most would have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why was contact cut? That will change my answer.

I have a relative who cut contact because their parents didn't accept that they were gay.

I have a friend who cut contact because her parents told her and her siblings that no inheritance will be left to them in the future.

Get the first but don’t understand the second.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why was contact cut? That will change my answer.

I have a relative who cut contact because their parents didn't accept that they were gay.

I have a friend who cut contact because her parents told her and her siblings that no inheritance will be left to them in the future.

Get the first but don’t understand the second.

I'm not the pp that you replied to but it sounds like typical emotional abuse. Parents using money or whatever as a weapon or to hurt their kids. My grandparents explicitly told me, "we aren't leaving you anything" when I was 11 years old and staying with them for the summer.

First off, I didn't expect they would leave me anything. Second, I never asked if they would leave me anything. Third, they said it in such an aggressive way that it felt like they were trying to be mean/cruel. As I got older, I came to realize that in my family money = love. So looking back, they were saying they don't love me. In this situation, I totally understand cutting off the parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:https://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons.html

Read this, OP, and see if you recognize yourself. But you won't.

+1

I had never heard of this site before but that particular page really demonstrates my first thoughts in reading the OP. It's telling that even though the OP came back to give more of a timeline, she is still not saying anything about WHY her daughter is estranged.

That is a red flag. What actually happened? What did your daughter actually say? Even if you think she's wrong, even if you think she's being ridiculous, what did she say??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. DC went to college in another city and found a job there after graduation. she had a mental breakdown and took one year off during college. Eventually she was able to manage her school work and also had a part time job. Everything was great in 2018 k 19. She had a job, an apartment, and friend s from college and work place. She often came home during long weekends and holidays. Unfortunately, she was hit hard by the pandemic, she lost her job and became less and less communicative. Her therapist was also stopped seeing her bc of covid concern. We supported her financially for two years. Knowing her anxiety and mental issues, we gave her time and space for her to recover. She has a job now and moved out from her apartment to a shared place. As parents, we missed her and would like to see her reconnect with us.
When we saw her last time, she talked about going to graduate school.
If a private investigator can tell us she is having a good job and live in a decent place, we will be happy for her.

If I was your child, I would not want to do anything with you. Good job and decent place? By whose standards? A lot of young people start with room share in not so perfect places. It does not mean that they are not productive members of society. You sound like a person who had a high expectations and your child probably feels like they did not meet them. Be happy for your child and leave them along.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:https://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons.html

Read this, OP, and see if you recognize yourself. But you won't.

It isn't always the parents. It's often mental illness.

This is true. It's also true that "going no-contact" is a crude and childish way of dealing with a problematic relationship. Part of being a mentally healthy, mature adult is developing the skills to navigate relationships that don't perfectly align with your demands.

Yes and no. I have no mental illness (I think my mother does). I went no contact with her after years and years of her trampling my boundaries and scapegoating me. The final straw was when she got into an argument with my 3 year old over something childish and then told me I was a bad mother when I supported my 3 year old instead of siding with her. I was NC for 2 years. She never stopped trying to contact me (I was ok with that. I didn't block her. I ignored her). After a while, I decided on some boundaries and now we have an ok-ish relationship. I wanted my kids to have grandparents (they are mostly sweet grandparents and I didn't want my relationship to get in the way). WHEN she tramples my boundaries, I leave. I limit contact and we start the process all over again. As I said I think she has a mental illness so she wont/can't change and I need to protect myself and my children. I also don't leave my children alone with her, it's one of my boundaries.

OP continue to look for her WITHOUT AN INVESTIGATOR, that would have pushed me much farther away, because it's so incredibly invasive. Write her a letter apologizing. YES YOU NEED TO APOLOGIZE! She feels ostracized by you for some reason. Let her know you will love her always unconditionally. (If you don't because she's gay or something, please leave her alone until YOU realize that as a parent that is your role). Eventually, she'll come around. If it's really that she's mentally ill, she'll respond at some point. My guess is you've totally trampled all over her in some way and she needs space. BTW I'm the most successful of my parents children - the others are still enmeshed and struggle with mental health themselves.