Feeling yucky about long weekend socializing

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was expecting more drama from the OP based on the word “yucky” in the title!

You sound yucky, and boorish.

You are a paragon of charm and don't throw baseless insults at total strangers.

[Anonymous]

It is perfectly OK to join a group and listen, and not talk much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I socialized a ton this weekend, including attending a barbecue where I didn’t know anyone very well (neighborhood thing I attended with DH and DC).

I have been tossing and turning all night replaying conversations and feeling awkward and miserable about them. At the BBQ, in particular, I felt so awkward. The adults there separated by gender, so I felt forced to go join the women, and it was just a hard group to join. Several of them knew each other a little and there was little effort to include those of us who didn’t. I had to work hard to make conversation and now I wonder if I came off rude or weird.

I just hate that feeling if talking to strangers and being unable to read their expression and feeling like they all dislike you even though what you are saying is benign and probably they are just neutral. Just hard when people don’t make the extra effort to be friendly or welcoming.

Men have it easier, I think. It’s more acceptable for them to be silent and I feel like their conversation topics tend to be less loaded. Women at these things always want to talk about parenting, schools, and similar topics which I think are more loaded and there are minefields, especially if you don’t know the other parents so you don’t know if they will be offended by something that seems normal to you.

I'm so sorry this happened to you and can absolutely relate. It can be really difficult to join a group of people that already know one another and be the one outsider. It can make us feel isolated and lonely. It can make us feel sad. It makes us feel like no one likes us or wants to be around us. It feels really weird to just randomly join a few people talking.

Men aren't a lot better. For one thing, they have a few specific topics that they love to discuss. Unless you're knowledgeable about them, it's going to be difficult to be part of that conversation. If a man tries to talk to you about football for instance and you don't like football, he will change to basketball or baseball. Once it's obvious that you don't like sports at all, he will switch to something else. Money management or politics. Possibly video games or food. Ultimately though, if there's a large group of men standing around, they're probably talking about sports. IF you don't like sports, it's hard to integrate into it.

You can't completely avoid these types of situations but where possible, I don't even do them any more. The way I look at it is this, I have a limited number of hours and days on this planet. Do I want to spend them interacting in these types of situations or not? The answer is, when possible, I would prefer not to. I spend my time with my family. I spend my time with my friends. I don't see the value in choosing to go to a BBQ with strangers that want to argue about the state of the school system. If I have to do it for some reason then sure but I'd prefer to go to a friend's BBQ than a neighbor's for example. Unless the neighbor is a friend.

Where are all these people who live in TV sitcom stereotypes?

This is DC. I spent the weekend at a barbecue getting lectured about federal regulatory policy enforcement.

[Anonymous]

I can relate to how you feel. I don't want to say anything that people might find offensive or hurtful, but the result is that I think I come across as boring, due to efforts to keep conversation polite and not overly personal.

[Anonymous]

Why spend your day off at a BBQ where you don’t anyone?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why spend your day off at a BBQ where you don’t anyone?

Utterly unhelpful comment. Have you never, ever attended any event where perhaps your spouse, the friend you were visiting, etc., needed or just wanted to go, and you didn't know others there? You've never been to any social event like that? Sometimes we just suck up being the person who's there without knowing anyone. It's being supportive of a spouse or friend who does want to be there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why spend your day off at a BBQ where you don’t anyone?

To give your kids a chance to socialize with neighborhood kids. This is why about 99% of the time. It's also why I end up at kid's birthday parties, which are generally socially miserable for parents. I would LOVE to skip them but my kid insists on having friends and doing things with them, very annoying!

[Anonymous]

I used to have paralyzing social anxiety, and still ruminate more than I should about various conversations, but over the decades I've made enormous progress.

However every time something happens that's out of the ordinary in the social sphere (also happens with travel), it always affects my sleep. I'm not sure that will ever change. I think it's an adrenaline response. My brain processes the events of the day... at night! And then the next night, everything is back to normal.

Which is why I need lots of social downtime

[Anonymous]

But don't you sometimes meet a new person and feel energized afterwards? Like it is so much more interesting than what you would have done at home that afternoon?

It does take some effort to get dressed up and make small talk, you can also come away with new ideas (for a recipe or a book or a travel destination).

I wonder if you should work on your feelings about other women, and just try to take each person as an individual. They might be kind and polite. They may be snobby or rude. But each venture out is a new opportunity to meet someone interesting or learn something new.

[Anonymous]

Look, I totally relate to OP and know people are trying to help but… this whole “no one is thinking about you!” thing is just NOT true. Have you people never heard a friend or acquaintance talking about their impressions of people (even relative strangers) after an event or even *gasp* done this yourself. Yes, yes you have. But that doesn’t mean OP can’t move on. OP, yeah, it’s possible someone thought you were awkward and said something like, “so-and-so’s wife seems like a weirdo, don’t you agree?” But that’s life.

[Anonymous]

It’s fine, OP. You put yourself out there and did your best. You can’t always control or predict how others will react. The next time you may encounter a lovely group of people. Don’t let this turn you off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is perfectly OK to join a group and listen, and not talk much.

Sure, but it’s also incredibly rude to join a group, have no one acknowledge you and continue on. Being quiet and listening in that case feels awkward. And it is on the group to include the new person.

I don’t know why I’m surprised that adults don’t have social skills (and I mean the others at the BBQ, not OP). It’s really not hard to make people feel included and be welcoming.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The people at the bbq are rude. Full stop. No class. If someone new approaches a group it is polite to stop conversation, make intros if necessary, and include. No excuses.

100%. Its remarkable good manners are the these days.

Hugs. OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is perfectly OK to join a group and listen, and not talk much.

Sure, but it’s also incredibly rude to join a group, have no one acknowledge you and continue on. Being quiet and listening in that case feels awkward. And it is on the group to include the new person.

I don’t know why I’m surprised that adults don’t have social skills (and I mean the others at the BBQ, not OP). It’s really not hard to make people feel included and be welcoming.

+1 have people lost this skill of being Gracious? Or are they all so insecure that they want to feel better about themselves being cliquish?

I’ve had people say oh I’m an introvert so I just want to talk to people I already know. That’s a bunch of low class BS. Not introversion.

[Anonymous]

This is literally every social event for us at our private school, only after 2 years there, they don’t talk to us at all and the men are like this too. It is so awkward that we will probably just stop going. I don’t get it, we smile, say hi, we go to everything, we volunteer, we try to latch on to any thread we are given to make conversation. But there is just nothing to work with. And I mean nothing. I am pretty outgoing and I can’t think of any other time in my life that it was like this. They stand around in small, tight circles having very individualized conversations and they have absolutely no curiosity about anyone outside of their already well-established groups. It is so weird. They treat us like we are invisible, they look past us, around us, and through us. There is barely any eye contact or acknowledgment. So then we just end up sitting at a table by ourselves or standing by ourselves. They either ignore us like this or they are flat out rude. Once we were actually starting to have a nice conversation with someone, some rude woman walked right in front of us and started talking to the person as if we didn’t exist. Another time, I noticed that this other woman was whispering to someone else with her hand up like she was in middle school while staring in my direction. And even in the few cases where we have met and talked to a few people, when we see them again, they ignore us and pretend as though we never met. Ugh! Maybe this is just an affluent person thing, though. Hopefully this isn’t the way all people are becoming.