Feeling yucky about long weekend socializing

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I socialized a ton this weekend, including attending a barbecue where I didn’t know anyone very well (neighborhood thing I attended with DH and DC).

I have been tossing and turning all night replaying conversations and feeling awkward and miserable about them. At the BBQ, in particular, I felt so awkward. The adults there separated by gender, so I felt forced to go join the women, and it was just a hard group to join. Several of them knew each other a little and there was little effort to include those of us who didn’t. I had to work hard to make conversation and now I wonder if I came off rude or weird.

I just hate that feeling if talking to strangers and being unable to read their expression and feeling like they all dislike you even though what you are saying is benign and probably they are just neutral. Just hard when people don’t make the extra effort to be friendly or welcoming.

Men have it easier, I think. It’s more acceptable for them to be silent and I feel like their conversation topics tend to be less loaded. Women at these things always want to talk about parenting, schools, and similar topics which I think are more loaded and there are minefields, especially if you don’t know the other parents so you don’t know if they will be offended by something that seems normal to you.

You may be an introvert but you do have a high level of intelligence/introspection.

- it is awful for most groups to split into M:F precisely for the reasons you stated
- i have found that having a few topics of non-minefield is helpful to steer from those minefields
a) books OR TV shows
b) vacations/travel especially with higher-income groups - they love to talk about that shiz
c) places/events locally especially food

Unfortunately, I have gotten feedback that I try to steer the conversation sometimes but its because of these minefield topics in larger groups that can really alienate others and tends to stem from others controlling the conversation/topics. Again I have learned not to give a fuzk because I refuse to spend my time playing mommy wars. I will talk about family stuff with closer friends but its okay to talk about non-family stuff for polite small talk. Im always surprised at how much an icebreaker like a book series or TV series or vacation talk can include more people in the conversation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Look, I totally relate to OP and know people are trying to help but… this whole “no one is thinking about you!” thing is just NOT true. Have you people never heard a friend or acquaintance talking about their impressions of people (even relative strangers) after an event or even *gasp* done this yourself. Yes, yes you have. But that doesn’t mean OP can’t move on. OP, yeah, it’s possible someone thought you were awkward and said something like, “so-and-so’s wife seems like a weirdo, don’t you agree?” But that’s life.

+1, all true. I also think it's weird when people say "no one is thinking about you!" or "no one cares about you!" to try and make someone who is anxious about having made a bad impression feel better. Because most people don't want to make NO impression, they just don't want to be disliked.

Obviously the key is to learn to move on more easily when it feels like you didn't mesh with people. Something I'm working on is just thinking "their loss." Because it is their loss! I try to approach social interactions with other people with the hopes of at least having a pleasant conversation, if not making a friend. When other people are shut down to that, they are just making their own lives less pleasant.

I regularly have an easier time talking to strangers with whom I have nothing in common than with people I have some connection to (kids in same school, neighbors, coworkers) because I think so many people approach the latter interactions with weird walls up that make it hard to connect.

[Anonymous]

I was at a wedding this weekend and similarly, I've been replaying conversations and feeling anxious and awkward about things I said and didn't say. Alcohol was a contributing factor too - I drank more than usual (at least partly hoping for a social lubricant) and said some things I wouldn't normally have said. Anyway, no real advice, just commiseration.

I do think it's probably unlikely that anyone is talking about us and how awkward we were three days later.

[Anonymous]

I feel you in this Op. You aren’t alone. Sorry I couldn’t be more help.

[Anonymous]

OP for what it is worth, these people are not worried about you coming across as weird or rude. They are spending their time thinking about themselves - either worrying about something they said, or something they didn't say - or focused on their next big thing.

We all have these times of social crisis but the thing to remember, that really can drag you back out of it and into normality, is that most of the other people just don't care enough to have made any kind of negative judgements.

[Anonymous]

This is increasingly a thing. I don’t understand it. My entire life I’ve had an easy time at social events and had plenty of friends. Now suddenly I’m middle aged and your average social event is stressful and I’m left feeling like a social outcast. Nothing has changed about my personality in a decade. I don’t get it.

[Anonymous]

Op - Are you very successful or is there anything about you that people would be jealous of?

I ask because I’ve experienced something similar and was told by other people IRL that the women are jealous of me. This seems unlikely to me but I truly can’t understand why the women would react the way they do to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is increasingly a thing. I don’t understand it. My entire life I’ve had an easy time at social events and had plenty of friends. Now suddenly I’m middle aged and your average social event is stressful and I’m left feeling like a social outcast. Nothing has changed about my personality in a decade. I don’t get it.

COVID?

We all got out of practice socializing casually (for years), and are not yet back in the swing of things??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is increasingly a thing. I don’t understand it. My entire life I’ve had an easy time at social events and had plenty of friends. Now suddenly I’m middle aged and your average social event is stressful and I’m left feeling like a social outcast. Nothing has changed about my personality in a decade. I don’t get it.

COVID?

We all got out of practice socializing casually (for years), and are not yet back in the swing of things??

At this point, it has been over long enough that people are just using it as an excuse to be the jerks they always were. If they are so “out of practice,” then why can they still socialize with certain people but not others?

[Anonymous]

Same, girl. I can hang and fake it, but it's exhausting. I wonder if I said something weird. I get bored when they're droning on about the kids soccer team that we have no interest in. I feel like an outsider even when it's people I've met before.

We went to one last night and I couldn't wait to get home and into bed after a really long weekend knowing I needed to be awake early.

But I go anyway. Because FOMO I guess.