Feeling yucky about long weekend socializing

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The people at the bbq are rude. Full stop. No class. If someone new approaches a group it is polite to stop conversation, make intros if necessary, and include. No excuses.

+1 I've often felt the same as you, OP. I had joined a mother's group, went to their meeting, and not one single person spoke to me. I knew no one there, whereas everyone else seemed to know each other. It was in an affluent area, and I think I was one of the few from the "other side of the tracks".

Needless to say, I stopped going to that outing. I am the type of person who always seeks out those who are alone and brings them into my circle. I did not like the vibe at that mother's group.

[Anonymous]

I was expecting more drama from the OP based on the word “yucky” in the title!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was expecting more drama from the OP based on the word “yucky” in the title!

Same.

But I have been there OP. Even worse that I am a childfree introvert.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was expecting more drama from the OP based on the word “yucky” in the title!

You sound yucky, and boorish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old are you, OP?

One of the real benefits of aging is that you stop caring so much about fitting in or what other people think of you. It’s incredibly freeing.

At 53, I no longer feel the need to impress or be liked by others. I’m comfortable in my own skin.

Untrue for individuals with social anxiety.

[Anonymous]

After a lot of socializing, I feel a little like I ran a race even if I had a great time. I take care of myself for the next few days as if I had done something physically grueling. I've shared this with my DD, who I suspect is similar, but my DS who is energized by interacting with others doesn't need it.

Op, keep yourself busy doing something you like and the yucky feeling will pass. The time to evaluate any interactions you had over the weekend comes after you are more stable.

[Anonymous]

I don’t really mind making small talk and I often feel like I am someplace where I know people. But sometimes I go places where I don’t know anyone and I just tell myself that it’s ok to be quiet sometimes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you an introvert? I am and I feel like this all the time. I just avoid these types of situations—they’re just too unpleasant.

Same.

[Anonymous]

You chose to go with the women. You are old enough to pick who to talk to

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I socialized a ton this weekend, including attending a barbecue where I didn’t know anyone very well (neighborhood thing I attended with DH and DC).

I have been tossing and turning all night replaying conversations and feeling awkward and miserable about them. At the BBQ, in particular, I felt so awkward. The adults there separated by gender, so I felt forced to go join the women, and it was just a hard group to join. Several of them knew each other a little and there was little effort to include those of us who didn’t. I had to work hard to make conversation and now I wonder if I came off rude or weird.

I just hate that feeling if talking to strangers and being unable to read their expression and feeling like they all dislike you even though what you are saying is benign and probably they are just neutral. Just hard when people don’t make the extra effort to be friendly or welcoming.

Men have it easier, I think. It’s more acceptable for them to be silent and I feel like their conversation topics tend to be less loaded. Women at these things always want to talk about parenting, schools, and similar topics which I think are more loaded and there are minefields, especially if you don’t know the other parents so you don’t know if they will be offended by something that seems normal to you.

I'm so sorry this happened to you and can absolutely relate. It can be really difficult to join a group of people that already know one another and be the one outsider. It can make us feel isolated and lonely. It can make us feel sad. It makes us feel like no one likes us or wants to be around us. It feels really weird to just randomly join a few people talking.

Men aren't a lot better. For one thing, they have a few specific topics that they love to discuss. Unless you're knowledgeable about them, it's going to be difficult to be part of that conversation. If a man tries to talk to you about football for instance and you don't like football, he will change to basketball or baseball. Once it's obvious that you don't like sports at all, he will switch to something else. Money management or politics. Possibly video games or food. Ultimately though, if there's a large group of men standing around, they're probably talking about sports. IF you don't like sports, it's hard to integrate into it.

You can't completely avoid these types of situations but where possible, I don't even do them any more. The way I look at it is this, I have a limited number of hours and days on this planet. Do I want to spend them interacting in these types of situations or not? The answer is, when possible, I would prefer not to. I spend my time with my family. I spend my time with my friends. I don't see the value in choosing to go to a BBQ with strangers that want to argue about the state of the school system. If I have to do it for some reason then sure but I'd prefer to go to a friend's BBQ than a neighbor's for example. Unless the neighbor is a friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was expecting more drama from the OP based on the word “yucky” in the title!

You sound yucky, and boorish.

??? It wasn’t a criticism

[Anonymous]

OP’s family was invited. It’s incredibly rude for guests to be ignored altogether. Before every one of my children’s birthday parties, I’d prep them with a talk about which child would barely know any people at the party and that they needed to make introductions, include the child in play, and make sure the child got to sit near them when we cut the cake. If I invited a family to a bbq where they wouldn’t know other guests, you’d better believe I would make an effort to bring them into the fold and would instruct the rest of my family to do the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People aren’t spending their time thinking/talking about you and those interactions. Just let it go. Spotlight effect

People aren’t spending their time thinking/talking about you and those interactions.

NP. I agree completely; OP, the only one ruminating about those interactions is you yourself.I get it, I've done the same! It's understandable but is it easier to let it go if you remind yourself: "No one else on Earth is giving this a single thought except ME, and why am I giving this so much of my mental real estate?" That's something I remind myself of when I'm in your shoes over an interaction. It does help to remember that.

I don't think people you saw at a weekend BBQ, who have never met you before, are giving a moment's thought to how you did or didn't come across to them. Certainly they aren't thinking about it now, on Tuesday morning after the holiday, as they get back into their routines. OP, just remind yourself, they're strangers to you, you don't have to care what they thought they perceived (which they've already forgotten anyway), and they likely did not and do not give you any more thought after the social stuff was over. It's liberating to remember this!

[Anonymous]

It’s ok to feel awkward sometimes. Sometimes people are rude. Sometimes other people are anxious or shy or awkward themselves. Sometimes the chemistry is just off for mysterious reasons and the conversation does not flow.

You have nothing to feel bad about. You went, you made an effort to be social and friendly, what more could you have down. Every interaction with other humans is not going to go well but that doesn’t mean you should become a hermit.

Unless you threw up in the punch or flipped a table in a rage or shared white nationalist views or double dipped in the dip or rambled at length about your collection of hand crafted terra cotta frogs, or asked someone if they had accepted Jesus Christ as their personal savior or brought your own karaoke to serenade them all with Christina Aguilera’s greatest hits, you were probably fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I socialized a ton this weekend, including attending a barbecue where I didn’t know anyone very well (neighborhood thing I attended with DH and DC).

I have been tossing and turning all night replaying conversations and feeling awkward and miserable about them. At the BBQ, in particular, I felt so awkward. The adults there separated by gender, so I felt forced to go join the women, and it was just a hard group to join. Several of them knew each other a little and there was little effort to include those of us who didn’t. I had to work hard to make conversation and now I wonder if I came off rude or weird.

I just hate that feeling if talking to strangers and being unable to read their expression and feeling like they all dislike you even though what you are saying is benign and probably they are just neutral. Just hard when people don’t make the extra effort to be friendly or welcoming.

Men have it easier, I think. It’s more acceptable for them to be silent and I feel like their conversation topics tend to be less loaded. Women at these things always want to talk about parenting, schools, and similar topics which I think are more loaded and there are minefields, especially if you don’t know the other parents so you don’t know if they will be offended by something that seems normal to you.

You aren't a "people" person. It's OK.

You are allowed to talk to men. Men talk about touchy topics too.