I am exhausted

[Anonymous]

Is the lack of boundaries an actual client requirement or expectation, or a situation you are enabling? You have to start saying no/not yet to something and/or keeping staffing up when it comes to life business. It also sounds like you could benefit from a regular yoga class or something where you are physically unavailable to attend to someone else's immediate needs.

[Anonymous]

One of the best, most quality-of-life-improvement changes I made was getting a laundry service.
I feel ridiculous that I can't keep up with my family's laundry, but it was always just a stress-point in the back of my head. I hate laundry.
Now I put out a bag of dirty clothes once a week, and a few days later I get back a bag of clean, folded clothes.

DO IT.

[Anonymous]

You have to think of the bigger picture here. You are spending no time with your child… husband isn’t because he is working so much and you are checked out being a taxi driver and working in your car doing work outside of work. You are creating an atmosphere for your child that does not revolve around family quality time. You are prioritizing stuff, which is sad. Who cares that your child or husband has to get clean clothes out of a pile?!? Do you really think this will scar them for life? What time do you three actually spend time as a family? Eat dinners together? Take a family walk? Or you and husband cuddle on the couch while the child plays on the floor?

[Anonymous]

+ 1 on carpools.
When I stay for activities, I am productive. I bring my laptop or schedule calls that can be done in my car. Or, I go for a run. I recognize not everyone’s work lends itself to that though.
Don’t quit your job, the idea that “all” dual working families have a nanny or housekeeper is ridiculous. My kids did aftercare, I carpool whenever I can. My older kid takes metro to / from school.
Laundry- when your child is doing bathtime / shower, put away the clothes. We fold clothes at night while watching TV. Sounds like you have younger kids but this is a chore they can do when they’re older.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is the lack of boundaries an actual client requirement or expectation, or a situation you are enabling? You have to start saying no/not yet to something and/or keeping staffing up when it comes to life business. It also sounds like you could benefit from a regular yoga class or something where you are physically unavailable to attend to someone else's immediate needs.

Op here, it's a bit of an expectation, but I am doing better at setting boundaries. I have no problem working "after hours" at DC's activities, but I draw the line 99% of the time at taking calls.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We pay a woman to come twice per week do to laundry and tidy and even food prep when we get our act together to meal plan.

It's the best $200/week I could ever spend.

This sounds amazing. If you can find some one to do this I would.

I pay someone to drive my DC to an activity 20 minutes away, stay for the 1 the lesson and bring them home. It’s been fantastic- DC lives the time and I knock stuff out instead of sitting in the car. This person has a full time job but I pay very well so it’s worth it to them 1x per week. Highly recommend.

Also, I work in an industry where part time is not common either but I asked for a reduced hour load and they were afraid I’d leave so they gave it to me. If you can do 30-34 hours a week it’s pretty seamless. I think working very part time like 15 hours a week or less is harder to swing in most industries. If you would like that, see if it’s an option. You might be surprised.

PS I understand the need for a lot of activities. My kid has ADHD and lots and lots of exercise helps more than almost anything else. Just playing in the yard with friends doesn’t do it. Obviously many kids are not like this but I totally get it.

Thank you. DC doesn't have ADHD but staying busy is best for them. Plus it's a physical activity and lots of exercise just does a lot for DC's disposition.

I wish people would stop saying we are overscheduled when this is what works best for DC. And that's often why I stay on the long days so I can at least see DC on breaks and eat dinner together.

[Anonymous]

Unless it is truly out of budget, of course the answer here is to hire more help. My job sounds much less demanding than yours, and we still have a "house manager/do whatever random tasks person" for ten hours a week (we also have a cleaning lady who comes every other week). The "house manager" does our laundry, takes kids to some of their activities (we purposefully scheduled some activities where we have flexibility to pick days on the days where she is at our place in the afternoons), gets some dinners started, rotates out closets, etc." I don't want, or need, to do it all. It's money exceedingly well spent. Even if you could afford more just like 4-5 hours a week...this person could do laundry and shuttle your kid to one activity, something like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Unless it is truly out of budget, of course the answer here is to hire more help. My job sounds much less demanding than yours, and we still have a "house manager/do whatever random tasks person" for ten hours a week (we also have a cleaning lady who comes every other week). The "house manager" does our laundry, takes kids to some of their activities (we purposefully scheduled some activities where we have flexibility to pick days on the days where she is at our place in the afternoons), gets some dinners started, rotates out closets, etc." I don't want, or need, to do it all. It's money exceedingly well spent. Even if you could afford more just like 4-5 hours a week...this person could do laundry and shuttle your kid to one activity, something like that.

Op here. Where do you find this person?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unless it is truly out of budget, of course the answer here is to hire more help. My job sounds much less demanding than yours, and we still have a "house manager/do whatever random tasks person" for ten hours a week (we also have a cleaning lady who comes every other week). The "house manager" does our laundry, takes kids to some of their activities (we purposefully scheduled some activities where we have flexibility to pick days on the days where she is at our place in the afternoons), gets some dinners started, rotates out closets, etc." I don't want, or need, to do it all. It's money exceedingly well spent. Even if you could afford more just like 4-5 hours a week...this person could do laundry and shuttle your kid to one activity, something like that.

Op here. Where do you find this person?

I found her on a local "nanny" type forum (I happen to live in Chicago area)...where household workers or nannies post looking for work and also where families looking for help make posts too. She is a "house manager" for several families for 10-15ish hours a week, adding up to about 40 hours a week for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Every working couple I know had a SAHM or PT mom by your kids age. Or the grandparents were intimately involved. Many had a au pair too.

Op here. That's what I'm noticing too and none of that is really an option for us. I don't want to SAH when DC is in school all day, PT is not common in my industry, grandparents are not intimately involved at all despite being nearby and retired (which irks the crap out of me, but that's a whole other conversation). Au pairs are not common around here (no longer living in DC).

Funny, I know so very few families that have a SAHM or mom who works part time. Most of the families I know have both parents work and use aftercare / before care and are just tired all the time. It gets better once the kids are older and can let themselves in when they get home from school. Also once the kids are older you generally know more people in your kids social circle so it is easier to arrange carpools to soccer practice and such.

[Anonymous]

I’m a PP but where we used to live we got the wash and fold delivery laundry service. Pretty affordable and less hassle compared to hiring someone individually and that service was amazing. However I have not found one in the MOCO that consistently uses fragrance free products like our old service and I gave up because I got headaches from the scent. It doesn’t bother my husband at all so YMMV. There are tons around the DMV.

[Anonymous]

Hire laundry service, or ask you cleaners to do laundry and come every week. Carpool at least once a week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We pay a woman to come twice per week do to laundry and tidy and even food prep when we get our act together to meal plan.

It's the best $200/week I could ever spend.

This sounds amazing. If you can find some one to do this I would.

I pay someone to drive my DC to an activity 20 minutes away, stay for the 1 the lesson and bring them home. It’s been fantastic- DC lives the time and I knock stuff out instead of sitting in the car. This person has a full time job but I pay very well so it’s worth it to them 1x per week. Highly recommend.

Also, I work in an industry where part time is not common either but I asked for a reduced hour load and they were afraid I’d leave so they gave it to me. If you can do 30-34 hours a week it’s pretty seamless. I think working very part time like 15 hours a week or less is harder to swing in most industries. If you would like that, see if it’s an option. You might be surprised.

PS I understand the need for a lot of activities. My kid has ADHD and lots and lots of exercise helps more than almost anything else. Just playing in the yard with friends doesn’t do it. Obviously many kids are not like this but I totally get it.

Thank you. DC doesn't have ADHD but staying busy is best for them. Plus it's a physical activity and lots of exercise just does a lot for DC's disposition.

I wish people would stop saying we are overscheduled when this is what works best for DC. And that's often why I stay on the long days so I can at least see DC on breaks and eat dinner together.

OP, I don't know what you want us to say. Are you looking for tips on how to handle all of this? You've received some good ideas here.

We all have 24 hours in a day. You don't get any more than that. This is 100% an issue of time management, choices you're making and resulting consequences. There is no perfect out.

One solution is just to decide you're going to be exhausted for the next few years, and learn to live with that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you can’t have two people working out of the house 40+ hours and young kids without some help unless you’re fine with being really stressed all the time and not sleeping enough. You need a nanny/housekeeper/au pair type person. That’s reality.

What are you talking about? I did it without any of those things and so did many people I know. Once the kids are school aged it’s absolutely manageable.

PP did say young kids.

It really depends on the jobs. 45h+45h is one thing. 80hr+40hr is another. If one job requires a lot of travel, even a 40+40 can be really hard because of the burden on the spouse who stays home during that travel. And so on. Plus so many other factors -- family nearby? affordable, quality after care? home large enough to host au pair? how many kids? everyone in good health? mental health? energy levels of parents?

The one constant is that longer hours and higher demands at work do make parenting/household management harder and you will require more help, whether from family or paid help. To say it's "absolutely manageable" assumes that a lot of supports are in place or available. When you say "it's absolutely manageable" it's not an absolute term. It was manageable for you given your variables. It is not manageable for everyone given their variables. Often people overlook variables that are critical.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What specifically needs to be done that isn’t?

You mention laundry. Fold and put in different piles or bins. Each person should then put away their own. Can DH commit to 10mins of housework in AM and 10-15min in evening? Maybe a specific job like AM unload dishwasher, PM load dishwasher and wipe counters. Things like toilets can be down be on weekends when you can spare another 10-15mins.

Clean as you go (or in small bursts) is my biggest tip.

The laundry is my biggest trigger. We are living out of laundry baskets. There's other things lie general clutter, but just getting a start on that would help.

I work on weekends folding and putting a family's clothes away. Maybe you can find someone to help. I advertised on NextDoor.