I am exhausted
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Anonymous
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I'm really starting to struggle with working a full time demanding job with a younger elementary schooler. My husband works a ton in an also demanding job. My job is as flexible as I could hope for in an industry that is notoriously inflexible, but it is not WFH, I have a commute, it's still more than 40 hours a week, dealing with external clients that have no boundaries in regards to my time. Our DC is very busy in activities, likes being busy and keeps asking for more. We have activities 4x a week. Two of those days are a short time commitment (45 min-hour) and the other 2 days are 3-4 hours each. Please don't comment that DC is overscheduled, this is how DC likes it. It's me that struggles... we are on the go constantly. There's never enough time to keep up with basic housework. We outsource cleaning 2x/mo. I do online grocery ordering, but basic things like putting clothes away after being washed are just completely neglected. Also, I used to be great at staying on top of everything and I'm just not anymore, despite it being in my calendar, I'm still missing things.
DH and I used to divide things more equally, but his job is more demanding and pays more than mine, so it's started shifting more to me. I am most definitely the primary parent. But my job is not an easy job. It requires a lot of critical thinking and management of projects, clients and employees. I just feel like something has to give. DC's childhood is flying by in a blur and I'm just stressed and tired 98% of the time. Any advice? |
Anonymous
| Yes. Get house cleaned 2x / week and an au pair or a college student to drive DC around. OR get a FT housekeepr with the additional responsibility of driving DC around. Option #1 is cheaper. Option #2 easier. |
Anonymous
| Those 9-10 hours a week that DC is in activities - are you there with the whole time? Or can you run errands or do other things? |
Anonymous
| Every working couple I know had a SAHM or PT mom by your kids age. Or the grandparents were intimately involved. Many had a au pair too. |
Anonymous
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What specifically needs to be done that isn’t?
You mention laundry. Fold and put in different piles or bins. Each person should then put away their own. Can DH commit to 10mins of housework in AM and 10-15min in evening? Maybe a specific job like AM unload dishwasher, PM load dishwasher and wipe counters. Things like toilets can be down be on weekends when you can spare another 10-15mins. Clean as you go (or in small bursts) is my biggest tip. |
Anonymous
Op here. I'm generally there the whole time. DC is just young enough that I'm not sure if I should leave them the whole time. The 2 long day and 1 short day are classes, the other short day is a game that I need/want to stay for. The 1 short day with classes, I do just sit in my car. It's too short to do much of anything. It's the longer 3 and 4 hour days that I need to figure out. I generally stay and work, as it's just too far to really want to go home and come back. But being home during that time would be so much more beneficial. |
Anonymous
The laundry is my biggest trigger. We are living out of laundry baskets. There's other things lie general clutter, but just getting a start on that would help. |
Anonymous
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Sorry but it gets harder, not easier. Mine are in middle and high school and I took today off for me because I’m so tired. I should be doing things around the house but I’m in bed on here.
As they get older, sign up for sports and activities where carpools are possible. That’s been the biggest help. Slack on cooking and order prepared foods or take out when needed. If possible, reduce hours at work. I can’t work at home and have a job that isn’t flexible but I take on less than I used to so I work about 35 now, compared to much more when they were younger. It’s plenty with the commute. DH works much more. |
Anonymous
Op here. That's what I'm noticing too and none of that is really an option for us. I don't want to SAH when DC is in school all day, PT is not common in my industry, grandparents are not intimately involved at all despite being nearby and retired (which irks the crap out of me, but that's a whole other conversation). Au pairs are not common around here (no longer living in DC). |
Anonymous
| ^as for laundry, I only fold mine. Everyone’s gets sorted into a basket and the kids often just take clean clothes out of their basket and wear them as is. I try to make them do their own laundry but that’s not always worth the battle. |
Anonymous
| OP you can’t have two people working out of the house 40+ hours and young kids without some help unless you’re fine with being really stressed all the time and not sleeping enough. You need a nanny/housekeeper/au pair type person. That’s reality. |
Anonymous
Someone is out there you could hire to do some kid-ferrying, some light cleaning/laundry, some meal prep. I actually think that’s easier to find in rural, lower cost of living areas. It’s probably going to be a woman, 50+. Start asking around. |
Anonymous
What are you talking about? I did it without any of those things and so did many people I know. Once the kids are school aged it’s absolutely manageable. |
Anonymous
Op here. Laughing, not because this is a bad suggestions, but because you described DC's grandmas. Who won't help. MIL will very occasionally. |
Anonymous
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Do you like your job? Do you find it fulfilling? Do you think you'll regret not having more time for your DC later?
You asked for advice, and my advice would be to shift into a less demanding job, maybe even part-time for the next 10 years or so. But that's me. I don't find my work enormously fulfilling. It's interesting enough and I like my clients and coworkers, but it's not the thing I will look back on with great pride when I'm old. Whereas I do feel that way about being a parent, and about my relationship with my child and also just our family dynamic in general. I view that as my true life's work, though I also have a paying job for money and also for balance (I could never SAHM because I do really need to have mental challenges unrelated to parenting for my own sanity). So in your situation, I'd look to move into a job that had more of a 9-5 schedule (or even a part time or contract position with flexibility) and focus more on parenting and the home. I wouldn't do it out of obligation -- I genuinely prefer that set up. If you love your job and feel more strongly about staying on your current career track, agree with others that you need to start outsourcing a lot more. Cleaning 2x a month isn't enough! You need it at least once a week and I'd be looking for help with meal prep, household organizational tasks, and definitely laundry. If you are often working 50 hour weeks, you should be having someone else handle the vast majority of unpleasant home tasks so that when you are home, that time can be focused on quality time with your family. |