Was this rude of me?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lazy Saturday at home. This morning, DH went to the gym and I stayed home with DC. I made breakfast, cleaned the kitchen, put away laundry, and cleaned the shower (while also taking a shower). Also helped DC with a craft project and facilitated dance music and got snacks. That's all fine -- zero resentment.

DH was gone about 2 hours (about 90 minutes at gym plus getting there and back). When he got home, he took a shower, relaxed for a while (scrolling Twitter and doing some Duo Lingo while lying on the bed), and then made himself lunch. I made DC and myself lunch.

Then DH decided he wanted to watch some This Old House, so he watched a couple episodes on his computer while DC and I hung out and played/listened to music.

Around 2, I suggested DH take DC to the park. I have had a nice day, but was feeling like I needed a break. I also have a small work project I need to finish over the weekend, which DH knows about. So I said "Hey, maybe you two would like to go to the park, maybe take DC's bike and work on riding? I have some work to finish so I could use some peace and quiet in the house."

Was it rude for me to volunteer DH to take DC out? Should I have approached that in another way? He is acting very put-upon about it. They didn't have to go to the park -- it was just a suggestion. I also would have left to go work at the coffee shop nearby, but it seemed like DC needed to get outside anyway.

OP, this is exactly what I would have said but, after 20 years of marriage, DH has finally gotten me to see that men do not respond well to statements like this, because - to them - it sounds passive aggressive.

You were being nice, I know. What you perhaps should have said was, "Hey DH. Would you please take DC to the park or somewhere else - just out of the house - for a couple of hours this afternoon, preferably before 4:00, so that I can get to the project I need to finish up."

You have to be blunt.

OP again. Honestly, the reason I didn't say what you suggest is that he has responded negatively to that before. When I've been more direct and stated exactly what I need, he will get mad because he feels like I'm telling him what to do. So I phrased it as a suggestion (and picked an activity that I thought he might like) to try and avoid making it seem like I'm ordering him out of the house.

I give up. I'm just glad they left the house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lazy Saturday at home. This morning, DH went to the gym and I stayed home with DC. I made breakfast, cleaned the kitchen, put away laundry, and cleaned the shower (while also taking a shower). Also helped DC with a craft project and facilitated dance music and got snacks. That's all fine -- zero resentment.

DH was gone about 2 hours (about 90 minutes at gym plus getting there and back). When he got home, he took a shower, relaxed for a while (scrolling Twitter and doing some Duo Lingo while lying on the bed), and then made himself lunch. I made DC and myself lunch.

Then DH decided he wanted to watch some This Old House, so he watched a couple episodes on his computer while DC and I hung out and played/listened to music.

Around 2, I suggested DH take DC to the park. I have had a nice day, but was feeling like I needed a break. I also have a small work project I need to finish over the weekend, which DH knows about. So I said "Hey, maybe you two would like to go to the park, maybe take DC's bike and work on riding? I have some work to finish so I could use some peace and quiet in the house."

Was it rude for me to volunteer DH to take DC out? Should I have approached that in another way? He is acting very put-upon about it. They didn't have to go to the park -- it was just a suggestion. I also would have left to go work at the coffee shop nearby, but it seemed like DC needed to get outside anyway.

OP, this is exactly what I would have said but, after 20 years of marriage, DH has finally gotten me to see that men do not respond well to statements like this, because - to them - it sounds passive aggressive.

You were being nice, I know. What you perhaps should have said was, "Hey DH. Would you please take DC to the park or somewhere else - just out of the house - for a couple of hours this afternoon, preferably before 4:00, so that I can get to the project I need to finish up."

You have to be blunt.

It is passive aggressive, and it should not take 20 years to figure that out.

You would not find a direct answer to the question, really intended as a command, acceptable if the answer was "No."

It is not about being blunt. It is about being direct. Passive aggressive people avoid directness and prefer a manipulative communication style to avoid their own accountability.

OP did not want to explain why she was behind on a work project requiring her to do make up work on the weekend at home, nor why she failed to advance plan the family's weekend with her husband in advance of the weekend. Most likely, OP is disorganized and wastes too much time on social media and internet forums at home and work rather than getting all her work done on time.

OP here. I'm a freelancer. I work a flexible schedule which enables me to do a lot more childcare during the week so we save on aftercare. But I often have work to do on the weekends as a result. It's a tradeoff we've made as a family.

But since you like direct, here's some directness for you: Go f--k yourself

[Anonymous]

Your only mistake was asking. Men don’t ask. I’d bet $50 that your husband didn’t ask if it was ok to go to the gym, or lie around tweeting or watching TV. You should have just said, “I’m going to the study to do some work for a couple of hours, so Larla’s all yours.” Then left before any protesting or complaining could occur.

[Anonymous]

More fodder for my theory that most men should not have children.

[Anonymous]

Ladies, let's all be super careful that a man never, ever has to hear us say anything in a tone he interprets as something he doesn't like! Protecting his manfeelings from even the slightest annoyance is the #1 priority! Also, it's the wife's responsibility to plan the weekend, for some reason. Too hard for men?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think it's rude to say you need a break in front of the kid. Everyone needs quiet down time. Or just explain that you need a break from chores. Kids can know that adults need breaks from caregiving.

Why didn't OP discuss the gameplan for the weekend on Friday night? Why is she several hours behind with a work assignment and now it "has to" be finished at home on the weekend? If OP addressed these issues directly, it might turn out she is very disorganized and wastes a lot of time during the week at work when she should be getting her work done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think it's rude to say you need a break in front of the kid. Everyone needs quiet down time. Or just explain that you need a break from chores. Kids can know that adults need breaks from caregiving.

Why didn't OP discuss the gameplan for the weekend on Friday night? Why is she several hours behind with a work assignment and now it "has to" be finished at home on the weekend? If OP addressed these issues directly, it might turn out she is very disorganized and wastes a lot of time during the week at work when she should be getting her work done.

Many white collar professionals have to work on the weekend because deadlines occur at obnoxious times. It's a reality of many jobs in law and consulting and has nothing to do with failing to finish work during the week -- sometimes projects come up on Friday afternoon and you have to finish them before a meeting or presentation early the next week.

I know this might sound foreign to someone who's probably punching a clock at the Jack in the Box 25 hours a week, but that's how a lot of grownup jobs work, buddy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think it's rude to say you need a break in front of the kid. Everyone needs quiet down time. Or just explain that you need a break from chores. Kids can know that adults need breaks from caregiving.

Why didn't OP discuss the gameplan for the weekend on Friday night? Why is she several hours behind with a work assignment and now it "has to" be finished at home on the weekend? If OP addressed these issues directly, it might turn out she is very disorganized and wastes a lot of time during the week at work when she should be getting her work done.

Scroll up to 15:56.

Why is it okay for the DH to be a whiner about doing a little bit of parenting? He should have planned the weekend on Friday night if doing childcare on Sat afternoon bothers him so much.

The real reason he is pouting is because OP called attention to his laziness. It doesn't matter how carefully she phrases it to tiptoe around his sensitive feelings. The bottom line is he is lazy, he knows he's lazy, and he's trying to turn the blame on her for acknowledging reality in words he doesn't like. But there are no words he would like.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lazy Saturday at home. This morning, DH went to the gym and I stayed home with DC. I made breakfast, cleaned the kitchen, put away laundry, and cleaned the shower (while also taking a shower). Also helped DC with a craft project and facilitated dance music and got snacks. That's all fine -- zero resentment.

DH was gone about 2 hours (about 90 minutes at gym plus getting there and back). When he got home, he took a shower, relaxed for a while (scrolling Twitter and doing some Duo Lingo while lying on the bed), and then made himself lunch. I made DC and myself lunch.

Then DH decided he wanted to watch some This Old House, so he watched a couple episodes on his computer while DC and I hung out and played/listened to music.

Around 2, I suggested DH take DC to the park. I have had a nice day, but was feeling like I needed a break. I also have a small work project I need to finish over the weekend, which DH knows about. So I said "Hey, maybe you two would like to go to the park, maybe take DC's bike and work on riding? I have some work to finish so I could use some peace and quiet in the house."

Was it rude for me to volunteer DH to take DC out? Should I have approached that in another way? He is acting very put-upon about it. They didn't have to go to the park -- it was just a suggestion. I also would have left to go work at the coffee shop nearby, but it seemed like DC needed to get outside anyway.

Your husband should have responded to your manipulative question as follows:

"That's a great suggestion honey, but no thanks, I don't want to go to the park with our kid. I am perfectly content to continue what I am doing right now."

And then he should have continued doing what he was doing.

He was annoyed at you because you are so manipulative. You were not asking out of consideration for him or your child, but for yourself.

Why can't she have some consideration for herself? He's already been to the gym and watched TV while she did chores and childcare.

He is a lazy and selfish man. He deserves to be tasked, because he's not taking the initiative to be a husband and father. She will gradually lose respect for him, if she hasn't already.

So, because OP has poor organizational skills and is passive aggressive, that means her husband is lazy and selfish?

[Anonymous]

Why do so many men think that passive = passive aggressive? Or that indirect = manipulative? So many women are raised that being indirect is the polite way to communicate and it is not intended to be aggressive or some kind of indirect attack - it's just a way to state your own needs while not making demands or being bossy. I have certainly learned that being more direct is the way to go with men because it is more effective, but so many of them assign bad intent where there is none and it's frustrating and sexist.
Instead of just saying "I need to work in a quiet house, please take DC and leave", she's leaving room for a response - "how about in another half an hour or so, that works for me" or "I was just about to start fixing the faucet and I think DC and I would prefer board games at home this afternoon, could you work from a cafe instead"? Or whatever - she's leaving room for your own needs and trying to be a team player. She's doing her fair share and trying to be accomodating and the response she receives is she's manipulative. Eyeroll.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lazy Saturday at home. This morning, DH went to the gym and I stayed home with DC. I made breakfast, cleaned the kitchen, put away laundry, and cleaned the shower (while also taking a shower). Also helped DC with a craft project and facilitated dance music and got snacks. That's all fine -- zero resentment.

DH was gone about 2 hours (about 90 minutes at gym plus getting there and back). When he got home, he took a shower, relaxed for a while (scrolling Twitter and doing some Duo Lingo while lying on the bed), and then made himself lunch. I made DC and myself lunch.

Then DH decided he wanted to watch some This Old House, so he watched a couple episodes on his computer while DC and I hung out and played/listened to music.

Around 2, I suggested DH take DC to the park. I have had a nice day, but was feeling like I needed a break. I also have a small work project I need to finish over the weekend, which DH knows about. So I said "Hey, maybe you two would like to go to the park, maybe take DC's bike and work on riding? I have some work to finish so I could use some peace and quiet in the house."

Was it rude for me to volunteer DH to take DC out? Should I have approached that in another way? He is acting very put-upon about it. They didn't have to go to the park -- it was just a suggestion. I also would have left to go work at the coffee shop nearby, but it seemed like DC needed to get outside anyway.

Your husband should have responded to your manipulative question as follows:

"That's a great suggestion honey, but no thanks, I don't want to go to the park with our kid. I am perfectly content to continue what I am doing right now."

And then he should have continued doing what he was doing.

He was annoyed at you because you are so manipulative. You were not asking out of consideration for him or your child, but for yourself.

Why can't she have some consideration for herself? He's already been to the gym and watched TV while she did chores and childcare.

He is a lazy and selfish man. He deserves to be tasked, because he's not taking the initiative to be a husband and father. She will gradually lose respect for him, if she hasn't already.

So, because OP has poor organizational skills and is passive aggressive, that means her husband is lazy and selfish?

He is lazy and selfish because he took a lot of time for himself but is pouting when she wants some time like he had.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All the PPs nitpicking at how OP should have worded her request are full of shit. Let us hear all the polite ways DH asked if he could work out this morning with a long explanation of why he really needs it.

He did not need to ask her permission to do that.

Exactly my point. So why does she have to bend over backwards?

She doesn't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lazy Saturday at home. This morning, DH went to the gym and I stayed home with DC. I made breakfast, cleaned the kitchen, put away laundry, and cleaned the shower (while also taking a shower). Also helped DC with a craft project and facilitated dance music and got snacks. That's all fine -- zero resentment.

DH was gone about 2 hours (about 90 minutes at gym plus getting there and back). When he got home, he took a shower, relaxed for a while (scrolling Twitter and doing some Duo Lingo while lying on the bed), and then made himself lunch. I made DC and myself lunch.

Then DH decided he wanted to watch some This Old House, so he watched a couple episodes on his computer while DC and I hung out and played/listened to music.

Around 2, I suggested DH take DC to the park. I have had a nice day, but was feeling like I needed a break. I also have a small work project I need to finish over the weekend, which DH knows about. So I said "Hey, maybe you two would like to go to the park, maybe take DC's bike and work on riding? I have some work to finish so I could use some peace and quiet in the house."

Was it rude for me to volunteer DH to take DC out? Should I have approached that in another way? He is acting very put-upon about it. They didn't have to go to the park -- it was just a suggestion. I also would have left to go work at the coffee shop nearby, but it seemed like DC needed to get outside anyway.

Your husband should have responded to your manipulative question as follows:

"That's a great suggestion honey, but no thanks, I don't want to go to the park with our kid. I am perfectly content to continue what I am doing right now."

And then he should have continued doing what he was doing.

He was annoyed at you because you are so manipulative. You were not asking out of consideration for him or your child, but for yourself.

Why can't she have some consideration for herself? He's already been to the gym and watched TV while she did chores and childcare.

He is a lazy and selfish man. He deserves to be tasked, because he's not taking the initiative to be a husband and father. She will gradually lose respect for him, if she hasn't already.

So, because OP has poor organizational skills and is passive aggressive, that means her husband is lazy and selfish?

I don't think she was passive aggressive at all. She tried to ask politely. He knows he isn't doing his share and he's uncomfortable with that, but he's too lazy to step up, so he's pouting.

I don't know why you think OP is disorganized. Sometimes work things come up unexpectedly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do so many men think that passive = passive aggressive? Or that indirect = manipulative? So many women are raised that being indirect is the polite way to communicate and it is not intended to be aggressive or some kind of indirect attack - it's just a way to state your own needs while not making demands or being bossy. I have certainly learned that being more direct is the way to go with men because it is more effective, but so many of them assign bad intent where there is none and it's frustrating and sexist.
Instead of just saying "I need to work in a quiet house, please take DC and leave", she's leaving room for a response - "how about in another half an hour or so, that works for me" or "I was just about to start fixing the faucet and I think DC and I would prefer board games at home this afternoon, could you work from a cafe instead"? Or whatever - she's leaving room for your own needs and trying to be a team player. She's doing her fair share and trying to be accomodating and the response she receives is she's manipulative. Eyeroll.

All of this. We are constantly policing women for their speaking tone instead of addressing the actual issue, which is why the heck women have to ASK their husbands to take care of the kids or help around the house. Does anyone ask women to do this? No, they just do it. Men don't even need a special tone for requesting help from their wives because their wives don't sit around waiting to be invited to perform the basic work of an adult with a family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think it's rude to say you need a break in front of the kid. Everyone needs quiet down time. Or just explain that you need a break from chores. Kids can know that adults need breaks from caregiving.

Why didn't OP discuss the gameplan for the weekend on Friday night? Why is she several hours behind with a work assignment and now it "has to" be finished at home on the weekend? If OP addressed these issues directly, it might turn out she is very disorganized and wastes a lot of time during the week at work when she should be getting her work done.

Scroll up to 15:56.

Why is it okay for the DH to be a whiner about doing a little bit of parenting? He should have planned the weekend on Friday night if doing childcare on Sat afternoon bothers him so much.

The real reason he is pouting is because OP called attention to his laziness. It doesn't matter how carefully she phrases it to tiptoe around his sensitive feelings. The bottom line is he is lazy, he knows he's lazy, and he's trying to turn the blame on her for acknowledging reality in words he doesn't like. But there are no words he would like.

+1 That would have been some amazing Friday night game planning from DH: "hey babe, I know we have a kid and all, but I just want to do my own thing this weekend. I'll be out doing some stuff, and then when I'm home I'd prefer not to be interrupted during my This Old House marathon. You can handle the kid, the housework, and your job, right?"