Was this rude of me?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lazy Saturday at home. This morning, DH went to the gym and I stayed home with DC. I made breakfast, cleaned the kitchen, put away laundry, and cleaned the shower (while also taking a shower). Also helped DC with a craft project and facilitated dance music and got snacks. That's all fine -- zero resentment.

DH was gone about 2 hours (about 90 minutes at gym plus getting there and back). When he got home, he took a shower, relaxed for a while (scrolling Twitter and doing some Duo Lingo while lying on the bed), and then made himself lunch. I made DC and myself lunch.

Then DH decided he wanted to watch some This Old House, so he watched a couple episodes on his computer while DC and I hung out and played/listened to music.

Around 2, I suggested DH take DC to the park. I have had a nice day, but was feeling like I needed a break. I also have a small work project I need to finish over the weekend, which DH knows about. So I said "Hey, maybe you two would like to go to the park, maybe take DC's bike and work on riding? I have some work to finish so I could use some peace and quiet in the house."

Was it rude for me to volunteer DH to take DC out? Should I have approached that in another way? He is acting very put-upon about it. They didn't have to go to the park -- it was just a suggestion. I also would have left to go work at the coffee shop nearby, but it seemed like DC needed to get outside anyway.

OP, this is exactly what I would have said but, after 20 years of marriage, DH has finally gotten me to see that men do not respond well to statements like this, because - to them - it sounds passive aggressive.

You were being nice, I know. What you perhaps should have said was, "Hey DH. Would you please take DC to the park or somewhere else - just out of the house - for a couple of hours this afternoon, preferably before 4:00, so that I can get to the project I need to finish up."

You have to be blunt.

It is passive aggressive, and it should not take 20 years to figure that out.

You would not find a direct answer to the question, really intended as a command, acceptable if the answer was "No."

It is not about being blunt. It is about being direct. Passive aggressive people avoid directness and prefer a manipulative communication style to avoid their own accountability.

OP did not want to explain why she was behind on a work project requiring her to do make up work on the weekend at home, nor why she failed to advance plan the family's weekend with her husband in advance of the weekend. Most likely, OP is disorganized and wastes too much time on social media and internet forums at home and work rather than getting all her work done on time.

OP here. I'm a freelancer. I work a flexible schedule which enables me to do a lot more childcare during the week so we save on aftercare. But I often have work to do on the weekends as a result. It's a tradeoff we've made as a family.

But since you like direct, here's some directness for you: Go f--k yourself

....and this is why what you are is called "passive aggressive." Behind your phony mask of superficial agreeability and cooperation is an absolutely huge amount of hostility, self justification, and abuse and demonization of others.

You are actually an abusive person, but pretend to be otberwise, except when the mask slips off now and then.

Your failure to plan your weekend schedule ahead of time with your husband to minimize scheduling conflicts is part of your passive aggressive hostility.

You thrive on conflict and generate conflict as a way to manipulate and control those around you. But when called out on it, you become openly and extremely aggressive and hostile.

When your marriage falls apart, and it inevitably will, look in the mirror if you need someone to blame.

[Anonymous]

He could say no. If he had a reasonable excuse. Like "No, I'm having terrible diarrhea." Or if he wanted a somewhat different plan, like "No, I think I'd rather take him to the pool." Or "No, I think both of us need a break so I've hired a babysitter to do it."

Or, he could be honest and say "No, I think since I'm a man I should get more leisure time and the kid is your responsibility except when I feel like it." But he doesn't want to say that, so he pouts.

[Anonymous]

Thank G-d I am divorced and don't have to deal with this type of no-win situation anymore.

There were so many other deeper problems but having to tiptoe and parse around these kinds of basic everyday interactions is a huge waste of psychic energy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thank G-d I am divorced and don't have to deal with this type of no-win situation anymore.

There were so many other deeper problems but having to tiptoe and parse around these kinds of basic everyday interactions is a huge waste of psychic energy.

This. Does he tiptoe around her feelings and perceptions in the same way? Or does he just announce what he's doing and stick her with all chores and childcare?

[Anonymous]

Wow, I wonder what would happen if plan your weekend guy and brunch granny got together in a room

[Anonymous]

He's probably going to think he deserves sex after a few hours of pouty childcare, and then pout if he doesn't get it. What a man, truly he is a loving partner, a caring father, and an example we all should follow.

[Anonymous]

If this is something that is happening a lot on the weekends I think the best approach is to let your husband know that you’d like a more fair division of labor and suggest you both discuss the weekend schedule ahead of time so that you get time to work and that you also each get some downtime.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think it's rude to say you need a break in front of the kid. Everyone needs quiet down time. Or just explain that you need a break from chores. Kids can know that adults need breaks from caregiving.

Why didn't OP discuss the gameplan for the weekend on Friday night? Why is she several hours behind with a work assignment and now it "has to" be finished at home on the weekend? If OP addressed these issues directly, it might turn out she is very disorganized and wastes a lot of time during the week at work when she should be getting her work done.

Scroll up to 15:56.

Why is it okay for the DH to be a whiner about doing a little bit of parenting? He should have planned the weekend on Friday night if doing childcare on Sat afternoon bothers him so much.

The real reason he is pouting is because OP called attention to his laziness. It doesn't matter how carefully she phrases it to tiptoe around his sensitive feelings. The bottom line is he is lazy, he knows he's lazy, and he's trying to turn the blame on her for acknowledging reality in words he doesn't like. But there are no words he would like.

I'm sorry, what??

OP stated that she would have been fine had her husband simply declined her suggestion to take the kid to the park. She would have gone to a coffee shop or something to finish her work.

Maybe OP should stop lying to her husband so much?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lazy Saturday at home. This morning, DH went to the gym and I stayed home with DC. I made breakfast, cleaned the kitchen, put away laundry, and cleaned the shower (while also taking a shower). Also helped DC with a craft project and facilitated dance music and got snacks. That's all fine -- zero resentment.

DH was gone about 2 hours (about 90 minutes at gym plus getting there and back). When he got home, he took a shower, relaxed for a while (scrolling Twitter and doing some Duo Lingo while lying on the bed), and then made himself lunch. I made DC and myself lunch.

Then DH decided he wanted to watch some This Old House, so he watched a couple episodes on his computer while DC and I hung out and played/listened to music.

Around 2, I suggested DH take DC to the park. I have had a nice day, but was feeling like I needed a break. I also have a small work project I need to finish over the weekend, which DH knows about. So I said "Hey, maybe you two would like to go to the park, maybe take DC's bike and work on riding? I have some work to finish so I could use some peace and quiet in the house."

Was it rude for me to volunteer DH to take DC out? Should I have approached that in another way? He is acting very put-upon about it. They didn't have to go to the park -- it was just a suggestion. I also would have left to go work at the coffee shop nearby, but it seemed like DC needed to get outside anyway.

Your husband should have responded to your manipulative question as follows:

"That's a great suggestion honey, but no thanks, I don't want to go to the park with our kid. I am perfectly content to continue what I am doing right now."

And then he should have continued doing what he was doing.

He was annoyed at you because you are so manipulative. You were not asking out of consideration for him or your child, but for yourself.

This PP is insane and I feel badly for their spouse.

[Anonymous]

This is why I didn’t have kids. I can behave like a man. I do what I want, and f**k the world.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He could say no. If he had a reasonable excuse. Like "No, I'm having terrible diarrhea." Or if he wanted a somewhat different plan, like "No, I think I'd rather take him to the pool." Or "No, I think both of us need a break so I've hired a babysitter to do it."

Or, he could be honest and say "No, I think since I'm a man I should get more leisure time and the kid is your responsibility except when I feel like it." But he doesn't want to say that, so he pouts.

But OP said it was a request, not a demand. Entirely optional. So her husband did not need a reason to decline her request.

OP left out the part after he declined her optional request, where she nagged, whined and complained until there was a big blow up.

Because she is passive aggressive.

[Anonymous]

Jeez, y’all are mean to OP. You’re fine OP.

[Anonymous]

Do you have to be this worried about every little thing, Op?

This is not normal

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“Do you want to X” is a dumb approach because it’s passive agressive; usually, the answer is “no, I’d rather relax,” and I’m sure that’s not you are looking to hear.

Plus, taking DC out was not the only way DH could have started taking on child care duties and given you a break. And if you said it in front of DC, now the seed is planted.

Be clear. Be direct. Ask—or even declare (since you earned free time) what you want. “I’ve done a lot with DC today and have done a lot around the house, and I need to take a break. Have you got her now, or do you need 10 minutes to get yourself ready?”

OP here. The reason I didn't say "I've done a lot and need a break" is because I think this is rude to say in front of my kid, even if it's the truth. And if he'd said "no, I don't want to go to the park, let's do X instead" that also would have been fine. My read on DC at the moment was that outdoor time would be a good idea, but if he wants to take over the parenting duties, he can make whatever choice he wants.

Also, why would I owe him 10 minutes to "get himself ready." No one offered me time to get ready today.

My husband frequently says “sure, I’ll take Larla and I’ll take her to the park, I just need to use the restroom and put my shoes on.” That is reasonable. What’s not reasonable is your martyr attitude. Use ACTUAL words, no hints.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ladies, let's all be super careful that a man never, ever has to hear us say anything in a tone he interprets as something he doesn't like! Protecting his manfeelings from even the slightest annoyance is the #1 priority! Also, it's the wife's responsibility to plan the weekend, for some reason. Too hard for men?

This. It's always the wrong tone, wrong words, should have been slightly different in order to not upset him. Jesus, I'm so over it. (not OP)