Was this rude of me?

[Anonymous]

Lazy Saturday at home. This morning, DH went to the gym and I stayed home with DC. I made breakfast, cleaned the kitchen, put away laundry, and cleaned the shower (while also taking a shower). Also helped DC with a craft project and facilitated dance music and got snacks. That's all fine -- zero resentment.

DH was gone about 2 hours (about 90 minutes at gym plus getting there and back). When he got home, he took a shower, relaxed for a while (scrolling Twitter and doing some Duo Lingo while lying on the bed), and then made himself lunch. I made DC and myself lunch.

Then DH decided he wanted to watch some This Old House, so he watched a couple episodes on his computer while DC and I hung out and played/listened to music.

Around 2, I suggested DH take DC to the park. I have had a nice day, but was feeling like I needed a break. I also have a small work project I need to finish over the weekend, which DH knows about. So I said "Hey, maybe you two would like to go to the park, maybe take DC's bike and work on riding? I have some work to finish so I could use some peace and quiet in the house."

Was it rude for me to volunteer DH to take DC out? Should I have approached that in another way? He is acting very put-upon about it. They didn't have to go to the park -- it was just a suggestion. I also would have left to go work at the coffee shop nearby, but it seemed like DC needed to get outside anyway.

[Anonymous]

Guy here. Your approach sounds fine.

[Anonymous]

“Do you want to X” is a dumb approach because it’s passive agressive; usually, the answer is “no, I’d rather relax,” and I’m sure that’s not you are looking to hear.

Plus, taking DC out was not the only way DH could have started taking on child care duties and given you a break. And if you said it in front of DC, now the seed is planted.

Be clear. Be direct. Ask—or even declare (since you earned free time) what you want. “I’ve done a lot with DC today and have done a lot around the house, and I need to take a break. Have you got her now, or do you need 10 minutes to get yourself ready?”

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't suggest an activity for someone else to do in front of the kids. It's not rude but if there's something he would rather do with the kid the kid might not want to do it once the playground is suggested. Again, you were not rude but also not the optimal approach.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you tasked him instead of asked him. I'd change my approach.

[Anonymous]

I don’t know your dh, but if it were mine, he’d feel put upon because he’d rather watch sports or a movie or take a nap than have responsibility for the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“Do you want to X” is a dumb approach because it’s passive agressive; usually, the answer is “no, I’d rather relax,” and I’m sure that’s not you are looking to hear.

Plus, taking DC out was not the only way DH could have started taking on child care duties and given you a break. And if you said it in front of DC, now the seed is planted.

Be clear. Be direct. Ask—or even declare (since you earned free time) what you want. “I’ve done a lot with DC today and have done a lot around the house, and I need to take a break. Have you got her now, or do you need 10 minutes to get yourself ready?”

You’re kidding me. And we all know quite well he would just keep staring at his screen with DD around instead of doing something constructive for the child. I would tell OP to keep pushing. Because lots of us end up giving up and it doesn’t get better with time. Most men are pretty selfish and rely too much on their wives to cover all the bases. Or even worse, they feel neglected by the overstretched wife. Leads to resentment and divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“Do you want to X” is a dumb approach because it’s passive agressive; usually, the answer is “no, I’d rather relax,” and I’m sure that’s not you are looking to hear.

Plus, taking DC out was not the only way DH could have started taking on child care duties and given you a break. And if you said it in front of DC, now the seed is planted.

Be clear. Be direct. Ask—or even declare (since you earned free time) what you want. “I’ve done a lot with DC today and have done a lot around the house, and I need to take a break. Have you got her now, or do you need 10 minutes to get yourself ready?”

OP here. The reason I didn't say "I've done a lot and need a break" is because I think this is rude to say in front of my kid, even if it's the truth. And if he'd said "no, I don't want to go to the park, let's do X instead" that also would have been fine. My read on DC at the moment was that outdoor time would be a good idea, but if he wants to take over the parenting duties, he can make whatever choice he wants.

Also, why would I owe him 10 minutes to "get himself ready." No one offered me time to get ready today.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you tasked him instead of asked him. I'd change my approach.

If you don't want to get "tasked" with taking care of your own children and home, then might I suggest taking some initiative to do those things instead of just taking care of all your individual needs while your spouse cleans and prepares meals and does childcare?

If you have an obligation to something (like taking care of your own kid) and you are studiously avoiding it while your partner takes on that obligation, prepare to get tasked. I'm not asking someone to do something they should have done on their own without me even mentioning it.

[Anonymous]

He is a selfish man. You give too much.
Given those 2, why would you worry about being rude?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't suggest an activity for someone else to do in front of the kids. It's not rude but if there's something he would rather do with the kid the kid might not want to do it once the playground is suggested. Again, you were not rude but also not the optimal approach.

The optimal approach is for DH to get off his a$$ and suggest/do something on his own. It is already suboptimal to have to request it at all. He should have just done it without prompting.

[Anonymous]

You were fine, he has to deal with his Big Feelings. I am direct about these things without making it tit for tat. But I also think advance warning can be good. I would probably say in the morning or after gym, "hey, I need to carve out about 2 hours this afternoon to do my work project, can you take DC somewhere today, maybe this afternoon?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He is a selfish man. You give too much.
Given those 2, why would you worry about being rude?

Seriously! Everything else he did today was for him. He couldn't even bother to make lunch for everyone.

Then to pout about it.

It's clear he views DC and taking care of the house as ops responsibility.


No op you weren't rude. And in fact were a lot kinder than I would have been.

You need to start speaking up more.

[Anonymous]

Just be direct and concise vs passive aggressive. Instead of saying;" Do you want to [INSERT your suggestion of how DH should better use his time]? just say:" I need some peace and quiet and to work on this project for work. Could you please take DC out of the house, maybe to the park or something for a few hours so I can finish my project?"

My DH words things like "Do you want to...." and it really irks me. Because if I had wanted to do something, I'd be doing it. I'm not an idiot. But, if he needs me to take one for the team and help him out with something (whether it is taking the kids somewhere or running an errand, etc). and he just asks me nicely, plain and simple, 99,999999% of the time the answer is "Sure".

[Anonymous]

You need to not ask if he wants to. When he tells you he is going to the gym, say "Great. You do that and I'll take my break from 2 until 4 PM. How should we plan the day so that DS gets outdoor playtime?"