I want a divorce (Virginia)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I waited until the kids were completely self-sufficient adults, but one had special needs, so youngest was 24. I highly recommend you stay until the youngest is 18. Please try to last that long. It will be best in the long run.

That is terrible advice. Kids adjust better than putting on them when they go to college.

I'm sure it was about money and physical care for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you even thinking about your kids in this? How it will affect them? All I hear from your post is me me me

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My whole relationship has been focused on him and my children. People roll their eyes and talk about all I do and how much he doesn't. I have begged him to go to counseling WITH me and he won't. I want the best for the kids but should it be at the scarafice of having a mom who is not happy and a husband who drinks 6 nights a week silently getting drunk which they will come to know as they age? We manage a family we don't have a partnership.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I also am very unhappily married. Once I worked through the numbers, I realized I could not make ends meet while still living in our current school district and without cutting back significantly on expenses for activities, clothes, etc. (I used a VA child support calculator and was very surprised at how little I would get.) I decided that I'm not willing to make my kids sacrifice that much. My current plan is to wait until my youngest is a junior or senior in high school (5-6 more years) to get the process started. When youngest DC graduates, I can move someplace much cheaper without upending their lives.

So, I would recommend figuring out your finances and how much you would likely have each month and if it is doable for you to divorce. If so, I would tell your DH you want a separation. If you did that, do you think he would finally be willing to work on the marriage and make changes? If not, you can proceed with separation.

Sorry you are going through this. It is really hard being in an unhappy marriage.

Thank you. I shared in a response that I have asked him to go to counseling and he says no. I can fully support our needs with my new job. There may not be all the "extras" but my career is on the upswing and I will be able to fully manage on my own. I think this job is giving me the confidence to consider something I couldn't before.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Same thing happened to me at 42 after 24 years of marriage. Youngest was graduating HS that year so I left. I did suggest counseling but he wasn't interested. I did not initiate the divorce my H did but we did not have conflict over anything so that went smoothly and cost me nothing. We divided assets and debts fairly. Our kids were mostly fine with it although the youngest struggled a bit with so much independence at first but she recovered nicely and is doing great. My H also was a great dad and I was a great mom (just ask my kids!) and he and I are good friends. I do not regret splitting up then at all. I have dated, had a couple longish relationships and am now single and loving my life.

Thank you. We both talked about separating last June during a heated argument. He gaslights. He came to me and basically said we need to work it out for the kids but didn't want to actually DO the work. I have begged for counseling and he won't go.

[Anonymous]

As a child of parents who divorced when I was in my 20s I will say it sucks. I understand intellectually why they divorced but it is still very hard to try and split time with my parents now that I am married and have kids. Someone always get the short end of the stick. My parents are even pretty amicable now and live in the same town. That makes it exponentially easier. But its hard and I do wish that they were still together (and happy!). I am glad I didn't have to split time between two houses as a kid. That would have been horrible. Its bad enough now having to go to one house, visit and then pack everything up and move houses for another few days. Anybody with young kids knows how much crap you have to pack even for one overnight! Then having to repack it just to move houses is such a pain. Then you have to decide who gets Christmas? Who gets Thanksgiving, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a child of parents who divorced when I was in my 20s I will say it sucks. I understand intellectually why they divorced but it is still very hard to try and split time with my parents now that I am married and have kids. Someone always get the short end of the stick. My parents are even pretty amicable now and live in the same town. That makes it exponentially easier. But its hard and I do wish that they were still together (and happy!). I am glad I didn't have to split time between two houses as a kid. That would have been horrible. Its bad enough now having to go to one house, visit and then pack everything up and move houses for another few days. Anybody with young kids knows how much crap you have to pack even for one overnight! Then having to repack it just to move houses is such a pain. Then you have to decide who gets Christmas? Who gets Thanksgiving, etc.

This is my husband's situation too . . . his parents divorced when he was in his 20s.

I agree that it does suck, and my DH would probably spend more time with his family if it was easier. However, he wouldn't have wanted them to stay together just to make holidays easier on him. They're adults with their own lives.

[Anonymous]

Its hard to put yourself into someone else's shoes but from these posts it seems both of you are self centered, I'm not getting the claim of being absolutely wonderful parents. Drinking, divorce, disputes, resistance to counselors, focus on looks and dating etc says you two put yourselves first.

[Anonymous]

Most men don't do counseling or if they do they fake it. This means nothing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This isn't hostile. We've been together 22 years and I've totally fallen out of love with him. I've tried for two solid years to make things better between us, including going to marriage counseling by myself, getting on anxiety medicine, losing 40 pounds, and becoming really attentive to my body and general physical health, getting a new job and making a very good salary to contribute even more so to the family. He is not willing to do any extra work and typically just tells me I'm the problem. We live a relatively "good" life with our three kids but it's passionless and lonely. I'm tired. I am 42 and I do not want to wait until I'm 52 to have the courage to leave and maybe have a second chance at love. My kids have been my world, and I have lost myself in that world. I'm coming alive again and realizing that I need to be more than just my children's mother, especially as they grow and become more independent. I know certainly that once they are off to college, we will have very little left between us. We both adore our children. I am a wonderful mother and he is an absolutely wonderful father

What do I need to truly consider or plan for if I initiate a divorce? I do believe I can find happiness on the other side of this.

Sounds like my XW wrote this. I bolded this little part here of what you wrote. Are you getting attention from other men? Are you having an emotional affair without even knowing it?

Your situation, like everyone else's, is unique to you and your family. If he doesn't want a divorce, it'll get really expensive really quickly. Imagine dragging your kids through it. Who will own the marital house? How old are the kids - their schools might change based on where you guys move. They will hate it. Their lives will be fundamentally changed. My kids have anxiety now. And one is depressed. This happiness you're seeking will be coming at a steep price - your kid's mental health. Is the price worth paying? Not to get dramatic, but a friend from a support group who I met told me her daughter became suicidal because she blamed the divorce on herself. I mean, this is REAL stuff. We became parents, and our responsibility right now is to help launch our kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Most men remarry and have more kids. Most women do not because men marry younger women. Your kids will spend slot of time with their step family and you will have some solo holidays. Just be prepared for that outcome. You will gain a lot of independence. Your kids will gain a stepmom. You think your dh can’t possibly attract someone but it’s precisely these guys that do.

Not in their mid to late 40s they don't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most men remarry and have more kids. Most women do not because men marry younger women. Your kids will spend slot of time with their step family and you will have some solo holidays. Just be prepared for that outcome. You will gain a lot of independence. Your kids will gain a stepmom. You think your dh can’t possibly attract someone but it’s precisely these guys that do.

Not in their mid to late 40s they don't.

I'm mid-50s and gf is 30+ years younger. It's not that hard to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most men remarry and have more kids. Most women do not because men marry younger women. Your kids will spend slot of time with their step family and you will have some solo holidays. Just be prepared for that outcome. You will gain a lot of independence. Your kids will gain a stepmom. You think your dh can’t possibly attract someone but it’s precisely these guys that do.

Not in their mid to late 40s they don't.

I'm mid-50s and gf is 30+ years younger. It's not that hard to do.

Ew. That’s disgusting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most men remarry and have more kids. Most women do not because men marry younger women. Your kids will spend slot of time with their step family and you will have some solo holidays. Just be prepared for that outcome. You will gain a lot of independence. Your kids will gain a stepmom. You think your dh can’t possibly attract someone but it’s precisely these guys that do.

Not in their mid to late 40s they don't.

I'm mid-50s and gf is 30+ years younger. It's not that hard to do.

Yeah, you've just got to give her her consolation baby and that way she'll be set up when she divorces you right when you need long term care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most men remarry and have more kids. Most women do not because men marry younger women. Your kids will spend slot of time with their step family and you will have some solo holidays. Just be prepared for that outcome. You will gain a lot of independence. Your kids will gain a stepmom. You think your dh can’t possibly attract someone but it’s precisely these guys that do.

Not in their mid to late 40s they don't.

I'm mid-50s and gf is 30+ years younger. It's not that hard to do.

Yeah, you've just got to give her her consolation baby and that way she'll be set up when she divorces you right when you need long term care.

Hilarious!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you even thinking about your kids in this? How it will affect them? All I hear from your post is me me me

\

My whole relationship has been focused on him and my children. People roll their eyes and talk about all I do and how much he doesn't. I have begged him to go to counseling WITH me and he won't. I want the best for the kids but should it be at the scarafice of having a mom who is not happy and a husband who drinks 6 nights a week silently getting drunk which they will come to know as they age? We manage a family we don't have a partnership.

You didn’t say he was an alcoholic. You would have gotten completely different advice if you had stated this from the start. How is this not your main concern?