I want a divorce (Virginia)

[Anonymous]

This isn't hostile. We've been together 22 years and I've totally fallen out of love with him. I've tried for two solid years to make things better between us, including going to marriage counseling by myself, getting on anxiety medicine, losing 40 pounds, and becoming really attentive to my body and general physical health, getting a new job and making a very good salary to contribute even more so to the family. He is not willing to do any extra work and typically just tells me I'm the problem. We live a relatively "good" life with our three kids but it's passionless and lonely. I'm tired. I am 42 and I do not want to wait until I'm 52 to have the courage to leave and maybe have a second chance at love. My kids have been my world, and I have lost myself in that world. I'm coming alive again and realizing that I need to be more than just my children's mother, especially as they grow and become more independent. I know certainly that once they are off to college, we will have very little left between us. We both adore our children. I am a wonderful mother and he is an absolutely wonderful father

What do I need to truly consider or plan for if I initiate a divorce? I do believe I can find happiness on the other side of this.

[Anonymous]

Well you need a lot of counseling before you do this. The consequences will be severe and in ways that may surprise you. It very likely won’t be amicable as he might be on the hook for lifetime alimony given the length of your marriage (assuming you have been married those 22 years) and it will deeply affect your children. So tread lightly. It might be the right thing but the grass is not always greener.

[Anonymous]

You have a crystal ball? How are you so sure about everything working out well for everyone?

You've every right to divorce if you are unhappy and prepared for dating with your newly improved body and finances. Just don't underestimate issues of a broken family on your children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This isn't hostile. We've been together 22 years and I've totally fallen out of love with him. I've tried for two solid years to make things better between us, including going to marriage counseling by myself, getting on anxiety medicine, losing 40 pounds, and becoming really attentive to my body and general physical health, getting a new job and making a very good salary to contribute even more so to the family. He is not willing to do any extra work and typically just tells me I'm the problem. We live a relatively "good" life with our three kids but it's passionless and lonely. I'm tired. I am 42 and I do not want to wait until I'm 52 to have the courage to leave and maybe have a second chance at love. My kids have been my world, and I have lost myself in that world. I'm coming alive again and realizing that I need to be more than just my children's mother, especially as they grow and become more independent. I know certainly that once they are off to college, we will have very little left between us. We both adore our children. I am a wonderful mother and he is an absolutely wonderful father

What do I need to truly consider or plan for if I initiate a divorce? I do believe I can find happiness on the other side of this.

You won't find a better man with your kids as well. Just raise the kids and then get out and enjoy single living and maybe finding a man who is ok dating an older woman.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This isn't hostile. We've been together 22 years and I've totally fallen out of love with him. I've tried for two solid years to make things better between us, including going to marriage counseling by myself, getting on anxiety medicine, losing 40 pounds, and becoming really attentive to my body and general physical health, getting a new job and making a very good salary to contribute even more so to the family. He is not willing to do any extra work and typically just tells me I'm the problem. We live a relatively "good" life with our three kids but it's passionless and lonely. I'm tired. I am 42 and I do not want to wait until I'm 52 to have the courage to leave and maybe have a second chance at love. My kids have been my world, and I have lost myself in that world. I'm coming alive again and realizing that I need to be more than just my children's mother, especially as they grow and become more independent. I know certainly that once they are off to college, we will have very little left between us. We both adore our children. I am a wonderful mother and he is an absolutely wonderful father

What do I need to truly consider or plan for if I initiate a divorce? I do believe I can find happiness on the other side of this.

Well, OP, I'm sorry that the first responses are telling you not to do this. It's clear you have done counseling as well as a lot of other things.

Anyway, I don't have first hand knowledge, but I'd start with a consult with a good attorney. In VA you need a 1 year separation prior to divorcing, so you either need an agreement filed or you need to physically separate.

The rest will be around finances and the kids. If you can come to an agreement on your own or via mediation it's a lot cheaper.

Plenty of people separate, divorce, and move on. At 42 you may be early or the first among your friends, but you won't be the last.

[Anonymous]

No one is going to want to be dad to her kids even part time. She can divorce but don't expect someone else to be their father.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No one is going to want to be dad to her kids even part time. She can divorce but don't expect someone else to be their father.

The only people interested in this are divorced men with kids around the same age or younger. They are looking for someone to marry who will not bring more childcare work to them though. So it's a small pool.

[Anonymous]

I waited until the kids were completely self-sufficient adults, but one had special needs, so youngest was 24. I highly recommend you stay until the youngest is 18. Please try to last that long. It will be best in the long run.

[Anonymous]

I don't know what OP's definition of a wonderful mom is but I think one would wait for youngest to turn 18 and leave for college. Obviously, that is only valid if she isn't facing any serious issues threatening her mental, physical or financial stability, that changes everything.

She did marry this person and decided to have one and then another kid with him so responsibility lies on her and her husband. Kids shouldn't be the the ones paying the price of their bad choices and inability to continue what they started.

[Anonymous]

If you got married at age 20 (That's what it seems like), how old are your kids? Are they old enough that they will be out of the house soon?

[Anonymous]

She has improved her looks and finances, likely has prospects lined up who are interested in her or she in them. She'll not get this window ever again. Its a tough call.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No one is going to want to be dad to her kids even part time. She can divorce but don't expect someone else to be their father.

It sounds like she just wants to get laid and hook up a lot. That can happen. But she isn’t likely to find a new relationship.

[Anonymous]

I would just smartly and discreetly step out while you give it a long, hard thought... for like another year.

[Anonymous]

What do I need to truly consider or plan for if I initiate a divorce?

OP, as someone who went through a divorce (initiated by my spouse) with three children, I implore you to truly consider the impact on three innocent children whose world will be forever rocked. Divorce takes their solid foundation (it does not sound like you are in an abusive or otherwise chaotic marriage) and pulls the floor out from under them. For their sakes, consider waiting until they are all off to college. I certainly wish I could have. The impact on children and their own sense of security and well-being is critical. No child wants to be going back and forth or having to be without a parent for holidays, etc. And no man you date/remarry will love your children like their father does.

[Anonymous]

Are you even thinking about your kids in this? How it will affect them? All I hear from your post is me me me