I want a divorce (Virginia)

[Anonymous]

I also am very unhappily married. Once I worked through the numbers, I realized I could not make ends meet while still living in our current school district and without cutting back significantly on expenses for activities, clothes, etc. (I used a VA child support calculator and was very surprised at how little I would get.) I decided that I'm not willing to make my kids sacrifice that much. My current plan is to wait until my youngest is a junior or senior in high school (5-6 more years) to get the process started. When youngest DC graduates, I can move someplace much cheaper without upending their lives.

So, I would recommend figuring out your finances and how much you would likely have each month and if it is doable for you to divorce. If so, I would tell your DH you want a separation. If you did that, do you think he would finally be willing to work on the marriage and make changes? If not, you can proceed with separation.

Sorry you are going through this. It is really hard being in an unhappy marriage.

[Anonymous]

I think you think the grass is greener. Reading this site has shown me different for most.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This isn't hostile. We've been together 22 years and I've totally fallen out of love with him. I've tried for two solid years to make things better between us, including going to marriage counseling by myself, getting on anxiety medicine, losing 40 pounds, and becoming really attentive to my body and general physical health, getting a new job and making a very good salary to contribute even more so to the family. He is not willing to do any extra work and typically just tells me I'm the problem. We live a relatively "good" life with our three kids but it's passionless and lonely. I'm tired. I am 42 and I do not want to wait until I'm 52 to have the courage to leave and maybe have a second chance at love. My kids have been my world, and I have lost myself in that world. I'm coming alive again and realizing that I need to be more than just my children's mother, especially as they grow and become more independent. I know certainly that once they are off to college, we will have very little left between us. We both adore our children. I am a wonderful mother and he is an absolutely wonderful father

What do I need to truly consider or plan for if I initiate a divorce? I do believe I can find happiness on the other side of this.

So you expected to fix 20 years of treating him poorly in 2 years?

[Anonymous]

Whatever you do, don’t have an affair. Besides being a shitty thing to do, it can screen you financially in a Virginia divorce.

[Anonymous]

To be fair, OP didn't ask for our opinions, just information about divorce under Virginia law. However, posting on a public forum is bound to bring unsolicited advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This isn't hostile. We've been together 22 years and I've totally fallen out of love with him. I've tried for two solid years to make things better between us, including going to marriage counseling by myself, getting on anxiety medicine, losing 40 pounds, and becoming really attentive to my body and general physical health, getting a new job and making a very good salary to contribute even more so to the family. He is not willing to do any extra work and typically just tells me I'm the problem. We live a relatively "good" life with our three kids but it's passionless and lonely. I'm tired. I am 42 and I do not want to wait until I'm 52 to have the courage to leave and maybe have a second chance at love. My kids have been my world, and I have lost myself in that world. I'm coming alive again and realizing that I need to be more than just my children's mother, especially as they grow and become more independent. I know certainly that once they are off to college, we will have very little left between us. We both adore our children. I am a wonderful mother and he is an absolutely wonderful father

What do I need to truly consider or plan for if I initiate a divorce? I do believe I can find happiness on the other side of this.

You won't find a better man with your kids as well. Just raise the kids and then get out and enjoy single living and maybe finding a man who is ok dating an older woman.

Oh for gods sake no kid is better off if mom or dad stays growup

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This isn't hostile. We've been together 22 years and I've totally fallen out of love with him. I've tried for two solid years to make things better between us, including going to marriage counseling by myself, getting on anxiety medicine, losing 40 pounds, and becoming really attentive to my body and general physical health, getting a new job and making a very good salary to contribute even more so to the family. He is not willing to do any extra work and typically just tells me I'm the problem. We live a relatively "good" life with our three kids but it's passionless and lonely. I'm tired. I am 42 and I do not want to wait until I'm 52 to have the courage to leave and maybe have a second chance at love. My kids have been my world, and I have lost myself in that world. I'm coming alive again and realizing that I need to be more than just my children's mother, especially as they grow and become more independent. I know certainly that once they are off to college, we will have very little left between us. We both adore our children. I am a wonderful mother and he is an absolutely wonderful father

What do I need to truly consider or plan for if I initiate a divorce? I do believe I can find happiness on the other side of this.

You won't find a better man with your kids as well. Just raise the kids and then get out and enjoy single living and maybe finding a man who is ok dating an older woman.

Oh for gods sake no kid is better off if mom or dad stays growup

There is no reason here to divorce. None. She's doing well on her own. So is he. They can stay married and share the money for the kids. OP needs a hobby, not another man.

[Anonymous]

I divorced at 42. My marriage was a mistake from day 1 and I got trapped early on. He was extremely controlling and I had no authority of my own life. I was depressed for the entire decade. It took me years to finally leave.

I did not divorce thinking I would find another person. That is OP's problem. That is not a reason to divorce. Only divorce if being single forever is better than staying married.

Exception: if someone is with an abuser or has a no-relationship marriage (literally like roommates and no emotional connection or sexual connection and no time together) or if someone has cheated for years, those are good reasons to divorce because you don't have a real marriage to begin with.

I don't think it is a good idea to stay if you know for sure you will leave later. That is wasting everyone's time and delaying any trauma.

Divorce does not have to be traumatic for kids. It just depends on the parents handle the divorce. My kids are completely fine. We are much better off divorced than married. But this is frequently not the case.

You sound bored. Only you know if you will stay permanently or go. But don't think you are going to find another partner. No guarantee and in fact, unlikely.

I knew I wanted out no matter what --and that is a huge difference.

Those in marriages with abusive behavior that never changes and years-long cheating means it is over and those people should divorce.

OP's situation does not sound like these situations

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No one is going to want to be dad to her kids even part time. She can divorce but don't expect someone else to be their father.

The only people interested in this are divorced men with kids around the same age or younger. They are looking for someone to marry who will not bring more childcare work to them though. So it's a small pool.

This is not true. I have never married men interested at age 45. I don't want to be serious or get married again. However, it is unlikely usually. Attractiveness matters. Most divorced men do not want to remarry. Never married men seem to have more interest in that. Unless you are currently dating, you have no idea.

[Anonymous]

Same thing happened to me at 42 after 24 years of marriage. Youngest was graduating HS that year so I left. I did suggest counseling but he wasn't interested. I did not initiate the divorce my H did but we did not have conflict over anything so that went smoothly and cost me nothing. We divided assets and debts fairly. Our kids were mostly fine with it although the youngest struggled a bit with so much independence at first but she recovered nicely and is doing great. My H also was a great dad and I was a great mom (just ask my kids!) and he and I are good friends. I do not regret splitting up then at all. I have dated, had a couple longish relationships and am now single and loving my life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I waited until the kids were completely self-sufficient adults, but one had special needs, so youngest was 24. I highly recommend you stay until the youngest is 18. Please try to last that long. It will be best in the long run.

That is terrible advice. Kids adjust better than putting on them when they go to college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What do I need to truly consider or plan for if I initiate a divorce?

OP, as someone who went through a divorce (initiated by my spouse) with three children, I implore you to truly consider the impact on three innocent children whose world will be forever rocked. Divorce takes their solid foundation (it does not sound like you are in an abusive or otherwise chaotic marriage) and pulls the floor out from under them. For their sakes, consider waiting until they are all off to college. I certainly wish I could have. The impact on children and their own sense of security and well-being is critical. No child wants to be going back and forth or having to be without a parent for holidays, etc. And no man you date/remarry will love your children like their father does.

My kids like having two houses and holidays are a non-issue. But I have come to learn that most divorced parents are not like us. We are not strict about 50-50 schedules. We see the kids whenever we want. We live within 2 miles. Quality of life is the same. It depends on the parents and how the divorce goes. Not divorce itself.

[Anonymous]

You need to consider finances, too. Are you willing to have less to divorce? Or is money really not an issue?

The keys to a good divorce are simple:
1. Have money
2. Be civil/amicable

If both those things are not possible, divorce can be bad. If both things are there, divorce can be not that big of a deal at all.

[Anonymous]

Most men remarry and have more kids. Most women do not because men marry younger women. Your kids will spend slot of time with their step family and you will have some solo holidays. Just be prepared for that outcome. You will gain a lot of independence. Your kids will gain a stepmom. You think your dh can’t possibly attract someone but it’s precisely these guys that do.

[Anonymous]

OP do you spend time together to nurture the relationship? I'm not sure I'm reading anything that would warrant a divorce. You are improving yourself, great, why does that mean ditching your spouse?