I want a divorce (Virginia)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did this thread from Feb of last year get resurrected?

Same troll as earlier today

I am the OP from the I want a divorce thread from yesterday. I went back to read the rest of the comments and it disappeared. Does anyone know what happened to it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This isn't hostile. We've been together 22 years and I've totally fallen out of love with him. I've tried for two solid years to make things better between us, including going to marriage counseling by myself, getting on anxiety medicine, losing 40 pounds, and becoming really attentive to my body and general physical health, getting a new job and making a very good salary to contribute even more so to the family. He is not willing to do any extra work and typically just tells me I'm the problem. We live a relatively "good" life with our three kids but it's passionless and lonely. I'm tired. I am 42 and I do not want to wait until I'm 52 to have the courage to leave and maybe have a second chance at love. My kids have been my world, and I have lost myself in that world. I'm coming alive again and realizing that I need to be more than just my children's mother, especially as they grow and become more independent. I know certainly that once they are off to college, we will have very little left between us. We both adore our children. I am a wonderful mother and he is an absolutely wonderful father

What do I need to truly consider or plan for if I initiate a divorce? I do believe I can find happiness on the other side of this.

This sounds like a classic midlife crisis. I'd be VERY careful with this assumption that the grass will be greener. I say this as a divorced man whose wife acted on the impulses you're describing -- I ultimately decided to divorce her when she got lost in limerance with another man (as part of some counseling in which her therapist urged her to "self-actualize" and did some things I could never forgive and retain my personal dignity. It's now five years later. These are the things that happened in those five years:

1) Our kids, who were young teenagers when this happened, chose to live with me. Yes, on paper, it was 50-50, but I was the one who kept a home in the town where their high school was. She moved 10 miles away for distance and to "find herself" (her affair fizzled out). I tried to encourage the kids to follow the custody schedule, but once they're in their mid-teens, they're going to kind of do what they want. It didn't help that they deduced what their mother had done.

2) Despite them living with me, it strained our relationship because I refused to discuss their mother's actions with them. It wasn't appropriate to do so, and whatever was happening between me and my ex should have nothing to do with them; the last thing I was going to do was play any role in alienating them from their mother. However, they're teenagers, and in the absence of information, they filled in a lot themselves. Yes, I had them in counseling and even did some sessions with them. But my refusal to given them any details (including about some things I didn't even know or wish to know) did drive a wedge between me and my children for a while.

3) We're both poorer. Her probably moreso than me. The divorce was somewhat contentious. I discovered papers she'd left laying around the house in which she was basically planning to avoid work to drive up child support and alimony by being underemployed. I had no choice to hire a lawyer because the best piece of advice I got was to approach this like it was the rest of my financial life -- which it was. We hired a PI and documented her affair and leveraged that into a settlement. I still offered to pay alimony for many years, mainly to reduce the chance of her being a financial burden on my kids when they launch as young adults. But there was a lot of money wasted and opportunity cost that could have been avoided had not done some of the things she'd done. But I'm behind on retirement savings now, still have debts because I ran deficits for years. She ended up actually being underemployed, partly due to circumstances beyond her control (i.e., Covid), but also because she never really liked working full time. I don't know what she's going to do when the alimony stops. Child support already stopped because the kids are older than 18 now.

We're both in relationships now. I'm happier than I've ever been, so there's that. I'm getting remarrried as an empty nester and we're equal partners in all ways. Her guy seems nice, I don't know much about their relationship (and don't care) but don't think they'll remarry (or if she even wants that). We cooperate for the most part on kid stuff, but I know they don't like the prospect of separate households for holidays, etc. as they start their own lives and families. We did that to them, and it really wasn't fair.

I'm only telling you this because your generalized unhappiness as you describe it is really a cliche and you probably need to be told to snap out of it. Could you find love again? Yes, absolutely. However, you'll also cause a lot of pain to yourself and the people around you, mainly your children, that will never fully heal.

Proceed with caution.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did this thread from Feb of last year get resurrected?

Same troll as earlier today

I am the OP from the I want a divorce thread from yesterday. I went back to read the rest of the comments and it disappeared. Does anyone know what happened to it?

It was deleted by Jeff because you are a troll...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a child of parents who divorced when I was in my 20s I will say it sucks. I understand intellectually why they divorced but it is still very hard to try and split time with my parents now that I am married and have kids. Someone always get the short end of the stick. My parents are even pretty amicable now and live in the same town. That makes it exponentially easier. But its hard and I do wish that they were still together (and happy!). I am glad I didn't have to split time between two houses as a kid. That would have been horrible. Its bad enough now having to go to one house, visit and then pack everything up and move houses for another few days. Anybody with young kids knows how much crap you have to pack even for one overnight! Then having to repack it just to move houses is such a pain. Then you have to decide who gets Christmas? Who gets Thanksgiving, etc.

I sympathize with your situation, but truly, it's not all about you. You can also stay put and ask them to visit you.

Yeah, this. It's not about you anymore. You should be happy they are now happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This isn't hostile. We've been together 22 years and I've totally fallen out of love with him. I've tried for two solid years to make things better between us, including going to marriage counseling by myself, getting on anxiety medicine, losing 40 pounds, and becoming really attentive to my body and general physical health, getting a new job and making a very good salary to contribute even more so to the family. He is not willing to do any extra work and typically just tells me I'm the problem. We live a relatively "good" life with our three kids but it's passionless and lonely. I'm tired. I am 42 and I do not want to wait until I'm 52 to have the courage to leave and maybe have a second chance at love. My kids have been my world, and I have lost myself in that world. I'm coming alive again and realizing that I need to be more than just my children's mother, especially as they grow and become more independent. I know certainly that once they are off to college, we will have very little left between us. We both adore our children. I am a wonderful mother and he is an absolutely wonderful father

What do I need to truly consider or plan for if I initiate a divorce? I do believe I can find happiness on the other side of this.

This sounds like a classic midlife crisis. I'd be VERY careful with this assumption that the grass will be greener. I say this as a divorced man whose wife acted on the impulses you're describing -- I ultimately decided to divorce her when she got lost in limerance with another man (as part of some counseling in which her therapist urged her to "self-actualize" and did some things I could never forgive and retain my personal dignity. It's now five years later. These are the things that happened in those five years:

1) Our kids, who were young teenagers when this happened, chose to live with me. Yes, on paper, it was 50-50, but I was the one who kept a home in the town where their high school was. She moved 10 miles away for distance and to "find herself" (her affair fizzled out). I tried to encourage the kids to follow the custody schedule, but once they're in their mid-teens, they're going to kind of do what they want. It didn't help that they deduced what their mother had done.

2) Despite them living with me, it strained our relationship because I refused to discuss their mother's actions with them. It wasn't appropriate to do so, and whatever was happening between me and my ex should have nothing to do with them; the last thing I was going to do was play any role in alienating them from their mother. However, they're teenagers, and in the absence of information, they filled in a lot themselves. Yes, I had them in counseling and even did some sessions with them. But my refusal to given them any details (including about some things I didn't even know or wish to know) did drive a wedge between me and my children for a while.

3) We're both poorer. Her probably moreso than me. The divorce was somewhat contentious. I discovered papers she'd left laying around the house in which she was basically planning to avoid work to drive up child support and alimony by being underemployed. I had no choice to hire a lawyer because the best piece of advice I got was to approach this like it was the rest of my financial life -- which it was. We hired a PI and documented her affair and leveraged that into a settlement. I still offered to pay alimony for many years, mainly to reduce the chance of her being a financial burden on my kids when they launch as young adults. But there was a lot of money wasted and opportunity cost that could have been avoided had not done some of the things she'd done. But I'm behind on retirement savings now, still have debts because I ran deficits for years. She ended up actually being underemployed, partly due to circumstances beyond her control (i.e., Covid), but also because she never really liked working full time. I don't know what she's going to do when the alimony stops. Child support already stopped because the kids are older than 18 now.

We're both in relationships now. I'm happier than I've ever been, so there's that. I'm getting remarrried as an empty nester and we're equal partners in all ways. Her guy seems nice, I don't know much about their relationship (and don't care) but don't think they'll remarry (or if she even wants that). We cooperate for the most part on kid stuff, but I know they don't like the prospect of separate households for holidays, etc. as they start their own lives and families. We did that to them, and it really wasn't fair.

I'm only telling you this because your generalized unhappiness as you describe it is really a cliche and you probably need to be told to snap out of it. Could you find love again? Yes, absolutely. However, you'll also cause a lot of pain to yourself and the people around you, mainly your children, that will never fully heal.

Proceed with caution.

Great post. I could have written it to a tee, except that my relationship with my kids didn't temporiraly suffer. They were a little older though. Everything else rings true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This isn't hostile. We've been together 22 years and I've totally fallen out of love with him. I've tried for two solid years to make things better between us, including going to marriage counseling by myself, getting on anxiety medicine, losing 40 pounds, and becoming really attentive to my body and general physical health, getting a new job and making a very good salary to contribute even more so to the family. He is not willing to do any extra work and typically just tells me I'm the problem. We live a relatively "good" life with our three kids but it's passionless and lonely. I'm tired. I am 42 and I do not want to wait until I'm 52 to have the courage to leave and maybe have a second chance at love. My kids have been my world, and I have lost myself in that world. I'm coming alive again and realizing that I need to be more than just my children's mother, especially as they grow and become more independent. I know certainly that once they are off to college, we will have very little left between us. We both adore our children. I am a wonderful mother and he is an absolutely wonderful father

What do I need to truly consider or plan for if I initiate a divorce? I do believe I can find happiness on the other side of this.

This sounds like a classic midlife crisis. I'd be VERY careful with this assumption that the grass will be greener. I say this as a divorced man whose wife acted on the impulses you're describing -- I ultimately decided to divorce her when she got lost in limerance with another man (as part of some counseling in which her therapist urged her to "self-actualize" and did some things I could never forgive and retain my personal dignity. It's now five years later. These are the things that happened in those five years:

1) Our kids, who were young teenagers when this happened, chose to live with me. Yes, on paper, it was 50-50, but I was the one who kept a home in the town where their high school was. She moved 10 miles away for distance and to "find herself" (her affair fizzled out). I tried to encourage the kids to follow the custody schedule, but once they're in their mid-teens, they're going to kind of do what they want. It didn't help that they deduced what their mother had done.

2) Despite them living with me, it strained our relationship because I refused to discuss their mother's actions with them. It wasn't appropriate to do so, and whatever was happening between me and my ex should have nothing to do with them; the last thing I was going to do was play any role in alienating them from their mother. However, they're teenagers, and in the absence of information, they filled in a lot themselves. Yes, I had them in counseling and even did some sessions with them. But my refusal to given them any details (including about some things I didn't even know or wish to know) did drive a wedge between me and my children for a while.

3) We're both poorer. Her probably moreso than me. The divorce was somewhat contentious. I discovered papers she'd left laying around the house in which she was basically planning to avoid work to drive up child support and alimony by being underemployed. I had no choice to hire a lawyer because the best piece of advice I got was to approach this like it was the rest of my financial life -- which it was. We hired a PI and documented her affair and leveraged that into a settlement. I still offered to pay alimony for many years, mainly to reduce the chance of her being a financial burden on my kids when they launch as young adults. But there was a lot of money wasted and opportunity cost that could have been avoided had not done some of the things she'd done. But I'm behind on retirement savings now, still have debts because I ran deficits for years. She ended up actually being underemployed, partly due to circumstances beyond her control (i.e., Covid), but also because she never really liked working full time. I don't know what she's going to do when the alimony stops. Child support already stopped because the kids are older than 18 now.

We're both in relationships now. I'm happier than I've ever been, so there's that. I'm getting remarrried as an empty nester and we're equal partners in all ways. Her guy seems nice, I don't know much about their relationship (and don't care) but don't think they'll remarry (or if she even wants that). We cooperate for the most part on kid stuff, but I know they don't like the prospect of separate households for holidays, etc. as they start their own lives and families. We did that to them, and it really wasn't fair.

I'm only telling you this because your generalized unhappiness as you describe it is really a cliche and you probably need to be told to snap out of it. Could you find love again? Yes, absolutely. However, you'll also cause a lot of pain to yourself and the people around you, mainly your children, that will never fully heal.

Proceed with caution.

Great post. I could have written it to a tee, except that my relationship with my kids didn't temporiraly suffer. They were a little older though. Everything else rings true.

PP how many relationships did you have (and how long were they) before you were ready to remarry? I'm on my second LTR. The first one was great but ended because I wasn't ready to commit. I'm evolving on the commitment front and am more willing to potentially remarry as the years go on (I've been divorced two years).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This isn't hostile. We've been together 22 years and I've totally fallen out of love with him. I've tried for two solid years to make things better between us, including going to marriage counseling by myself, getting on anxiety medicine, losing 40 pounds, and becoming really attentive to my body and general physical health, getting a new job and making a very good salary to contribute even more so to the family. He is not willing to do any extra work and typically just tells me I'm the problem. We live a relatively "good" life with our three kids but it's passionless and lonely. I'm tired. I am 42 and I do not want to wait until I'm 52 to have the courage to leave and maybe have a second chance at love. My kids have been my world, and I have lost myself in that world. I'm coming alive again and realizing that I need to be more than just my children's mother, especially as they grow and become more independent. I know certainly that once they are off to college, we will have very little left between us. We both adore our children. I am a wonderful mother and he is an absolutely wonderful father

What do I need to truly consider or plan for if I initiate a divorce? I do believe I can find happiness on the other side of this.

This sounds like a classic midlife crisis. I'd be VERY careful with this assumption that the grass will be greener. I say this as a divorced man whose wife acted on the impulses you're describing -- I ultimately decided to divorce her when she got lost in limerance with another man (as part of some counseling in which her therapist urged her to "self-actualize" and did some things I could never forgive and retain my personal dignity. It's now five years later. These are the things that happened in those five years:

1) Our kids, who were young teenagers when this happened, chose to live with me. Yes, on paper, it was 50-50, but I was the one who kept a home in the town where their high school was. She moved 10 miles away for distance and to "find herself" (her affair fizzled out). I tried to encourage the kids to follow the custody schedule, but once they're in their mid-teens, they're going to kind of do what they want. It didn't help that they deduced what their mother had done.

2) Despite them living with me, it strained our relationship because I refused to discuss their mother's actions with them. It wasn't appropriate to do so, and whatever was happening between me and my ex should have nothing to do with them; the last thing I was going to do was play any role in alienating them from their mother. However, they're teenagers, and in the absence of information, they filled in a lot themselves. Yes, I had them in counseling and even did some sessions with them. But my refusal to given them any details (including about some things I didn't even know or wish to know) did drive a wedge between me and my children for a while.

3) We're both poorer. Her probably moreso than me. The divorce was somewhat contentious. I discovered papers she'd left laying around the house in which she was basically planning to avoid work to drive up child support and alimony by being underemployed. I had no choice to hire a lawyer because the best piece of advice I got was to approach this like it was the rest of my financial life -- which it was. We hired a PI and documented her affair and leveraged that into a settlement. I still offered to pay alimony for many years, mainly to reduce the chance of her being a financial burden on my kids when they launch as young adults. But there was a lot of money wasted and opportunity cost that could have been avoided had not done some of the things she'd done. But I'm behind on retirement savings now, still have debts because I ran deficits for years. She ended up actually being underemployed, partly due to circumstances beyond her control (i.e., Covid), but also because she never really liked working full time. I don't know what she's going to do when the alimony stops. Child support already stopped because the kids are older than 18 now.

We're both in relationships now. I'm happier than I've ever been, so there's that. I'm getting remarrried as an empty nester and we're equal partners in all ways. Her guy seems nice, I don't know much about their relationship (and don't care) but don't think they'll remarry (or if she even wants that). We cooperate for the most part on kid stuff, but I know they don't like the prospect of separate households for holidays, etc. as they start their own lives and families. We did that to them, and it really wasn't fair.

I'm only telling you this because your generalized unhappiness as you describe it is really a cliche and you probably need to be told to snap out of it. Could you find love again? Yes, absolutely. However, you'll also cause a lot of pain to yourself and the people around you, mainly your children, that will never fully heal.

Proceed with caution.

Great post. I could have written it to a tee, except that my relationship with my kids didn't temporiraly suffer. They were a little older though. Everything else rings true.

Sorry was meant for this PP:

PP how many relationships did you have (and how long were they) before you were ready to remarry? I'm on my second LTR. The first one was great but ended because I wasn't ready to commit. I'm evolving on the commitment front and am more willing to potentially remarry as the years go on (I've been divorced two years).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This isn't hostile. We've been together 22 years and I've totally fallen out of love with him. I've tried for two solid years to make things better between us, including going to marriage counseling by myself, getting on anxiety medicine, losing 40 pounds, and becoming really attentive to my body and general physical health, getting a new job and making a very good salary to contribute even more so to the family. He is not willing to do any extra work and typically just tells me I'm the problem. We live a relatively "good" life with our three kids but it's passionless and lonely. I'm tired. I am 42 and I do not want to wait until I'm 52 to have the courage to leave and maybe have a second chance at love. My kids have been my world, and I have lost myself in that world. I'm coming alive again and realizing that I need to be more than just my children's mother, especially as they grow and become more independent. I know certainly that once they are off to college, we will have very little left between us. We both adore our children. I am a wonderful mother and he is an absolutely wonderful father

What do I need to truly consider or plan for if I initiate a divorce? I do believe I can find happiness on the other side of this.

This sounds like a classic midlife crisis. I'd be VERY careful with this assumption that the grass will be greener. I say this as a divorced man whose wife acted on the impulses you're describing -- I ultimately decided to divorce her when she got lost in limerance with another man (as part of some counseling in which her therapist urged her to "self-actualize" and did some things I could never forgive and retain my personal dignity. It's now five years later. These are the things that happened in those five years:

1) Our kids, who were young teenagers when this happened, chose to live with me. Yes, on paper, it was 50-50, but I was the one who kept a home in the town where their high school was. She moved 10 miles away for distance and to "find herself" (her affair fizzled out). I tried to encourage the kids to follow the custody schedule, but once they're in their mid-teens, they're going to kind of do what they want. It didn't help that they deduced what their mother had done.

2) Despite them living with me, it strained our relationship because I refused to discuss their mother's actions with them. It wasn't appropriate to do so, and whatever was happening between me and my ex should have nothing to do with them; the last thing I was going to do was play any role in alienating them from their mother. However, they're teenagers, and in the absence of information, they filled in a lot themselves. Yes, I had them in counseling and even did some sessions with them. But my refusal to given them any details (including about some things I didn't even know or wish to know) did drive a wedge between me and my children for a while.

3) We're both poorer. Her probably moreso than me. The divorce was somewhat contentious. I discovered papers she'd left laying around the house in which she was basically planning to avoid work to drive up child support and alimony by being underemployed. I had no choice to hire a lawyer because the best piece of advice I got was to approach this like it was the rest of my financial life -- which it was. We hired a PI and documented her affair and leveraged that into a settlement. I still offered to pay alimony for many years, mainly to reduce the chance of her being a financial burden on my kids when they launch as young adults. But there was a lot of money wasted and opportunity cost that could have been avoided had not done some of the things she'd done. But I'm behind on retirement savings now, still have debts because I ran deficits for years. She ended up actually being underemployed, partly due to circumstances beyond her control (i.e., Covid), but also because she never really liked working full time. I don't know what she's going to do when the alimony stops. Child support already stopped because the kids are older than 18 now.

We're both in relationships now. I'm happier than I've ever been, so there's that. I'm getting remarrried as an empty nester and we're equal partners in all ways. Her guy seems nice, I don't know much about their relationship (and don't care) but don't think they'll remarry (or if she even wants that). We cooperate for the most part on kid stuff, but I know they don't like the prospect of separate households for holidays, etc. as they start their own lives and families. We did that to them, and it really wasn't fair.

I'm only telling you this because your generalized unhappiness as you describe it is really a cliche and you probably need to be told to snap out of it. Could you find love again? Yes, absolutely. However, you'll also cause a lot of pain to yourself and the people around you, mainly your children, that will never fully heal.

Proceed with caution.

Ugh. One more time. This is the PP I was asking the following question to:


PP how many relationships did you have (and how long were they) before you were ready to remarry? I'm on my second LTR. The first one was great but ended because I wasn't ready to commit. I'm evolving on the commitment front and am more willing to potentially remarry as the years go on (I've been divorced two years).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This isn't hostile. We've been together 22 years and I've totally fallen out of love with him. I've tried for two solid years to make things better between us, including going to marriage counseling by myself, getting on anxiety medicine, losing 40 pounds, and becoming really attentive to my body and general physical health, getting a new job and making a very good salary to contribute even more so to the family. He is not willing to do any extra work and typically just tells me I'm the problem. We live a relatively "good" life with our three kids but it's passionless and lonely. I'm tired. I am 42 and I do not want to wait until I'm 52 to have the courage to leave and maybe have a second chance at love. My kids have been my world, and I have lost myself in that world. I'm coming alive again and realizing that I need to be more than just my children's mother, especially as they grow and become more independent. I know certainly that once they are off to college, we will have very little left between us. We both adore our children. I am a wonderful mother and he is an absolutely wonderful father

What do I need to truly consider or plan for if I initiate a divorce? I do believe I can find happiness on the other side of this.

This sounds like a classic midlife crisis. I'd be VERY careful with this assumption that the grass will be greener. I say this as a divorced man whose wife acted on the impulses you're describing -- I ultimately decided to divorce her when she got lost in limerance with another man (as part of some counseling in which her therapist urged her to "self-actualize" and did some things I could never forgive and retain my personal dignity. It's now five years later. These are the things that happened in those five years:

1) Our kids, who were young teenagers when this happened, chose to live with me. Yes, on paper, it was 50-50, but I was the one who kept a home in the town where their high school was. She moved 10 miles away for distance and to "find herself" (her affair fizzled out). I tried to encourage the kids to follow the custody schedule, but once they're in their mid-teens, they're going to kind of do what they want. It didn't help that they deduced what their mother had done.

2) Despite them living with me, it strained our relationship because I refused to discuss their mother's actions with them. It wasn't appropriate to do so, and whatever was happening between me and my ex should have nothing to do with them; the last thing I was going to do was play any role in alienating them from their mother. However, they're teenagers, and in the absence of information, they filled in a lot themselves. Yes, I had them in counseling and even did some sessions with them. But my refusal to given them any details (including about some things I didn't even know or wish to know) did drive a wedge between me and my children for a while.

3) We're both poorer. Her probably moreso than me. The divorce was somewhat contentious. I discovered papers she'd left laying around the house in which she was basically planning to avoid work to drive up child support and alimony by being underemployed. I had no choice to hire a lawyer because the best piece of advice I got was to approach this like it was the rest of my financial life -- which it was. We hired a PI and documented her affair and leveraged that into a settlement. I still offered to pay alimony for many years, mainly to reduce the chance of her being a financial burden on my kids when they launch as young adults. But there was a lot of money wasted and opportunity cost that could have been avoided had not done some of the things she'd done. But I'm behind on retirement savings now, still have debts because I ran deficits for years. She ended up actually being underemployed, partly due to circumstances beyond her control (i.e., Covid), but also because she never really liked working full time. I don't know what she's going to do when the alimony stops. Child support already stopped because the kids are older than 18 now.

We're both in relationships now. I'm happier than I've ever been, so there's that. I'm getting remarrried as an empty nester and we're equal partners in all ways. Her guy seems nice, I don't know much about their relationship (and don't care) but don't think they'll remarry (or if she even wants that). We cooperate for the most part on kid stuff, but I know they don't like the prospect of separate households for holidays, etc. as they start their own lives and families. We did that to them, and it really wasn't fair.

I'm only telling you this because your generalized unhappiness as you describe it is really a cliche and you probably need to be told to snap out of it. Could you find love again? Yes, absolutely. However, you'll also cause a lot of pain to yourself and the people around you, mainly your children, that will never fully heal.

Proceed with caution.

Ugh. One more time. This is the PP I was asking the following question to:


PP how many relationships did you have (and how long were they) before you were ready to remarry? I'm on my second LTR. The first one was great but ended because I wasn't ready to commit. I'm evolving on the commitment front and am more willing to potentially remarry as the years go on (I've been divorced two years).

I dated the first year -- a couple of chaste relationships, a couple of hookups, one fling with a much younger woman who lived in another city -- which was enough to tell me I needed to date my own age (but I got that out of my system, maybe?)

One 7-month relationship that broke up because it became obvious to me she was looking for a man to take care of her and her daughter financially. I had enough people to provide for, including my ex-wife, and wanted no part of that. I also wasn't going to move any woman into my house while my own children living there, and while I liked this woman's son well enough, I had no interest in having him live in my home.

I took a year off from dating after that and focused on my kids. By then, however, they were driving and more independent and I found myself alone a lot since they had their own normal teenage friends and interests and activities. I found some hobbies of my own that got me out of the house and met a woman about my age online. We dated for two years, she moved in after the youngest went to college. We lived together for about a year and then got engaged.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This isn't hostile. We've been together 22 years and I've totally fallen out of love with him. I've tried for two solid years to make things better between us, including going to marriage counseling by myself, getting on anxiety medicine, losing 40 pounds, and becoming really attentive to my body and general physical health, getting a new job and making a very good salary to contribute even more so to the family. He is not willing to do any extra work and typically just tells me I'm the problem. We live a relatively "good" life with our three kids but it's passionless and lonely. I'm tired. I am 42 and I do not want to wait until I'm 52 to have the courage to leave and maybe have a second chance at love. My kids have been my world, and I have lost myself in that world. I'm coming alive again and realizing that I need to be more than just my children's mother, especially as they grow and become more independent. I know certainly that once they are off to college, we will have very little left between us. We both adore our children. I am a wonderful mother and he is an absolutely wonderful father

What do I need to truly consider or plan for if I initiate a divorce? I do believe I can find happiness on the other side of this.

This sounds like a classic midlife crisis. I'd be VERY careful with this assumption that the grass will be greener. I say this as a divorced man whose wife acted on the impulses you're describing -- I ultimately decided to divorce her when she got lost in limerance with another man (as part of some counseling in which her therapist urged her to "self-actualize" and did some things I could never forgive and retain my personal dignity. It's now five years later. These are the things that happened in those five years:

1) Our kids, who were young teenagers when this happened, chose to live with me. Yes, on paper, it was 50-50, but I was the one who kept a home in the town where their high school was. She moved 10 miles away for distance and to "find herself" (her affair fizzled out). I tried to encourage the kids to follow the custody schedule, but once they're in their mid-teens, they're going to kind of do what they want. It didn't help that they deduced what their mother had done.

2) Despite them living with me, it strained our relationship because I refused to discuss their mother's actions with them. It wasn't appropriate to do so, and whatever was happening between me and my ex should have nothing to do with them; the last thing I was going to do was play any role in alienating them from their mother. However, they're teenagers, and in the absence of information, they filled in a lot themselves. Yes, I had them in counseling and even did some sessions with them. But my refusal to given them any details (including about some things I didn't even know or wish to know) did drive a wedge between me and my children for a while.

3) We're both poorer. Her probably moreso than me. The divorce was somewhat contentious. I discovered papers she'd left laying around the house in which she was basically planning to avoid work to drive up child support and alimony by being underemployed. I had no choice to hire a lawyer because the best piece of advice I got was to approach this like it was the rest of my financial life -- which it was. We hired a PI and documented her affair and leveraged that into a settlement. I still offered to pay alimony for many years, mainly to reduce the chance of her being a financial burden on my kids when they launch as young adults. But there was a lot of money wasted and opportunity cost that could have been avoided had not done some of the things she'd done. But I'm behind on retirement savings now, still have debts because I ran deficits for years. She ended up actually being underemployed, partly due to circumstances beyond her control (i.e., Covid), but also because she never really liked working full time. I don't know what she's going to do when the alimony stops. Child support already stopped because the kids are older than 18 now.

We're both in relationships now. I'm happier than I've ever been, so there's that. I'm getting remarrried as an empty nester and we're equal partners in all ways. Her guy seems nice, I don't know much about their relationship (and don't care) but don't think they'll remarry (or if she even wants that). We cooperate for the most part on kid stuff, but I know they don't like the prospect of separate households for holidays, etc. as they start their own lives and families. We did that to them, and it really wasn't fair.

I'm only telling you this because your generalized unhappiness as you describe it is really a cliche and you probably need to be told to snap out of it. Could you find love again? Yes, absolutely. However, you'll also cause a lot of pain to yourself and the people around you, mainly your children, that will never fully heal.

Proceed with caution.

Ugh. One more time. This is the PP I was asking the following question to:


PP how many relationships did you have (and how long were they) before you were ready to remarry? I'm on my second LTR. The first one was great but ended because I wasn't ready to commit. I'm evolving on the commitment front and am more willing to potentially remarry as the years go on (I've been divorced two years).

I dated the first year -- a couple of chaste relationships, a couple of hookups, one fling with a much younger woman who lived in another city -- which was enough to tell me I needed to date my own age (but I got that out of my system, maybe?)

One 7-month relationship that broke up because it became obvious to me she was looking for a man to take care of her and her daughter financially. I had enough people to provide for, including my ex-wife, and wanted no part of that. I also wasn't going to move any woman into my house while my own children living there, and while I liked this woman's son well enough, I had no interest in having him live in my home.

I took a year off from dating after that and focused on my kids. By then, however, they were driving and more independent and I found myself alone a lot since they had their own normal teenage friends and interests and activities. I found some hobbies of my own that got me out of the house and met a woman about my age online. We dated for two years, she moved in after the youngest went to college. We lived together for about a year and then got engaged.

Pretty healthy road map. I went right into a serious relationship for 18 months after my separation/divorce. I was already in the empty nest stage so a little ahead of you in that regard. It was too soon for such a serious relationship and I wish I recognized that way earlier than I did. There have been a few threads on communicating intent early on. I didn’t really know what I wanted until the rubber hit the road. I ended the relationship and hurt her pretty badly. Took a few months off and then right back into another LTR. If this one ends, although things are good right now, I’m definitely taking time off.

Relationship ups and downs are not for the faint of heart, OP. Just something else to consider as you weigh your options (although lower down on the things to consider list)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What do I need to truly consider or plan for if I initiate a divorce?

OP, as someone who went through a divorce (initiated by my spouse) with three children, I implore you to truly consider the impact on three innocent children whose world will be forever rocked. Divorce takes their solid foundation (it does not sound like you are in an abusive or otherwise chaotic marriage) and pulls the floor out from under them. For their sakes, consider waiting until they are all off to college. I certainly wish I could have. The impact on children and their own sense of security and well-being is critical. No child wants to be going back and forth or having to be without a parent for holidays, etc. And no man you date/remarry will love your children like their father does.

Looks like you’ve had your meal ticket taken away but trying to frame it as being “about the children”.

As someone who went through this (and initiated the divorce), I’d tell OP to think it through and do it when she is ready, sooner rather than later. Life is too short to waste it in an unhappy marriage.