18 yo DS resents our family

[Anonymous]

Parents either think of themselves as great parents or worse. Most fall in between, not because they don't try but because they don't meet kid's needs. Making pre-natal and on going parental education can help. Teens also need education in understanding and dealing with their parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can't win. We are a pretty boring household, I admit. But we are stable and the kids are somewhat spoiled.

But I heard my 18yo ds tell his gf that he likes being with her (very dysfunctional crazy) family better because it's more 'exciting' and 'fun.'

So true about not winning either way!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I overheard our DS talking to his girlfriend, telling her how her family is so amazing and his family is just doesn't feel like family. He wasn't really trash talking but kind of saying that he cannot wait to be on his own and he thinks he is in a very bad environment at our house, and our family is a mess. He is going to college next year. I tried to examine our family dynamic with the therapist and be as objective as I can. We are not super harmonic and vibrant, but not dysfunctional. There are definitely things that we could be better at, but I genuinely think we are a decent family and environment. It hurts me especially because my family was such a mess and all these years I made a point to treat my kids differently. I don't mean to make this about myself, but it feels like a huge fail on my part if he feels this way. Unless it is normal behavior for teenagers (he is the oldest) and his way of building his independence from us? He acts very estranged and barely talks to us. He refuses any family activity but then complains to her that his family never does things together. Please tell me it will get better.

It's not an uncommon phenomenon. My nearly 20-year-old DD has weirdly engaged in some weird fantasy in her later adolescence that she had a terrible childhood, when in fact her only real trauma was the divorce of her parents when she was 15 (a divorce she advocated for, I might add). She also surrounds herself with people who have legit tragedy in their lives -- dead parents, dead siblings, actual poverty, actual abuse, alcoholic parents. It's almost like she fetishizes this idea that she had a horrible upbringing. Just last month she was telling my brother's friends her parents don't feed her, etc. (But when she comes home from college, she basically expects to be waited on hand and foot, including meals).

I still don't know what to make of it and it's very hard to not take personally since she never wanted for anything, had every advantage and support, and was always loved, supported and secure growing up.

I just keep hoping she grows out of it.

Divorce is very traumatizing and you are a delusional, narcissistic parent. Shameful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I overheard our DS talking to his girlfriend, telling her how her family is so amazing and his family is just doesn't feel like family. He wasn't really trash talking but kind of saying that he cannot wait to be on his own and he thinks he is in a very bad environment at our house, and our family is a mess. He is going to college next year. I tried to examine our family dynamic with the therapist and be as objective as I can. We are not super harmonic and vibrant, but not dysfunctional. There are definitely things that we could be better at, but I genuinely think we are a decent family and environment. It hurts me especially because my family was such a mess and all these years I made a point to treat my kids differently. I don't mean to make this about myself, but it feels like a huge fail on my part if he feels this way. Unless it is normal behavior for teenagers (he is the oldest) and his way of building his independence from us? He acts very estranged and barely talks to us. He refuses any family activity but then complains to her that his family never does things together. Please tell me it will get better.

It's not an uncommon phenomenon. My nearly 20-year-old DD has weirdly engaged in some weird fantasy in her later adolescence that she had a terrible childhood, when in fact her only real trauma was the divorce of her parents when she was 15 (a divorce she advocated for, I might add). She also surrounds herself with people who have legit tragedy in their lives -- dead parents, dead siblings, actual poverty, actual abuse, alcoholic parents. It's almost like she fetishizes this idea that she had a horrible upbringing. Just last month she was telling my brother's friends her parents don't feed her, etc. (But when she comes home from college, she basically expects to be waited on hand and foot, including meals).

I still don't know what to make of it and it's very hard to not take personally since she never wanted for anything, had every advantage and support, and was always loved, supported and secure growing up.

I just keep hoping she grows out of it.

There is so much wrong here, no wonder your dd isn't happy with her childhood. A 15 year old is a child and shouldn't have been consulted about her parents' marriage and divorce. If, at the time, she inserted herself in the discussion, a *healthy parent with healthy boundaries would lovingly explain that it was a matter between adults and that, no matter what happens, her parents would continue to love and take care of her and that she would be okay.

This.

[Anonymous]

OP, it hurts you because you heard it. BUT you were not suppose to hear it. That's important. You were not the audience and your DS may have been saying any 'ol BS for whatever reason.

[Anonymous]

Most adults like control and kids don't like control. Kids think parents get everything they want. Parents thing the kids get everything they want.
You are just trying your best and sometimes, the best is not good enough for others. But, it maxes you out. All you need to know is you done all you can to raise a responsible person.

[Anonymous]

Something similar is happening at our house, but with our 18 yr old daughter. So little effort is made on her part to even be a part of our family for a while now, but then she expects we will let her use our car or drive her places (not happening) but she refuses to even do the simplest of chores. She's mean to her younger sister, putting her down whenever she feels like it, and basically acts like she's better than all of us. It's the oddest thing. I even overheard her telling her boyfriend all sorts of lies about me, which I'm pretty sure is why he never comes over to our house because either 1) he thinks I am an awful mother or 2) my daughter doesn't want to be caught in all her apparent lies so she keeps us separate. I personally cannot wait for her to be on her own at college next year, but at some point her lying will catch up with her and honestly, I'd rather she stay at school until she grows up a bit. Sorry for that rant....

[Anonymous]

My DC is 20 and over the past 3 years in various conversations I have been blamed and then exalted and then blamed again. Right now our family is apparently on a pedestal compared to all others. It’s not you. It’s their brains trying to grow and up process new understandings. Let it roll OP

[Anonymous]

My parents thought our family was great. But we weren't allowed to have friends almost ever - I can count on one hand the number of times I was allowed. I got grounded all the time for ridiculous things - not sneaking out or throwing parties but truly ridiculous things. I wasn't ever allowed to express anger. When my parents were wrong they never apologized. I had a long list of chores to do daily that took hours and my mother would sit on the couch with her feet up saying I missed a spot dusting or vacuuming. I had to spend hours each fall raking and bagging leaves and each winter hours shoveling the walk and driveway. We went on vacation once a year max, and they were spent waiting around while my mother spent hours in museums. I wasn't allowed to decorate my bedroom the way I wanted. My mother gave me the bedroom decor she wished she'd had when she was a child, and couldn't grasp I was a different person than her, and got angry and hurt that I didn't fall all over myself thanking her for giving me what she'd wanted. If I wanted to call a friend, I had to say what I wanted to talk to them about, and how long I wanted to be on the phone for, and my mother would decide whether that was acceptable. Any time she caught me talking about anything she hadn't approved, I was banned from social calls for weeks or even months. Everything was very boring - even the colors were various shades of tan and brown.

But yes, my parents thought our home life was harmonious and vibrant. I, like your son, also couldn't wait to leave.

[Anonymous]

If your kids grow up and never want to talk to you that tells you that your screwed up. It's not them. It's you.

[Anonymous]

Middle class life can feel soulless and basic. Teens want to feel special, and be heroes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I overheard our DS talking to his girlfriend, telling her how her family is so amazing and his family is just doesn't feel like family. He wasn't really trash talking but kind of saying that he cannot wait to be on his own and he thinks he is in a very bad environment at our house, and our family is a mess. He is going to college next year. I tried to examine our family dynamic with the therapist and be as objective as I can. We are not super harmonic and vibrant, but not dysfunctional. There are definitely things that we could be better at, but I genuinely think we are a decent family and environment. It hurts me especially because my family was such a mess and all these years I made a point to treat my kids differently. I don't mean to make this about myself, but it feels like a huge fail on my part if he feels this way. Unless it is normal behavior for teenagers (he is the oldest) and his way of building his independence from us? He acts very estranged and barely talks to us. He refuses any family activity but then complains to her that his family never does things together. Please tell me it will get better.

It's not an uncommon phenomenon. My nearly 20-year-old DD has weirdly engaged in some weird fantasy in her later adolescence that she had a terrible childhood, when in fact her only real trauma was the divorce of her parents when she was 15 (a divorce she advocated for, I might add). She also surrounds herself with people who have legit tragedy in their lives -- dead parents, dead siblings, actual poverty, actual abuse, alcoholic parents. It's almost like she fetishizes this idea that she had a horrible upbringing. Just last month she was telling my brother's friends her parents don't feed her, etc. (But when she comes home from college, she basically expects to be waited on hand and foot, including meals).

I still don't know what to make of it and it's very hard to not take personally since she never wanted for anything, had every advantage and support, and was always loved, supported and secure growing up.

I just keep hoping she grows out of it.

My youngest sister is like this. She became a therapist and scratched the itch that way. At 30 she’s no longer drawn to people with trauma in her personal life. She was always searching for a narrative that would allow her to claim trauma but, lucky for us, we had a normal healthy upbringing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
He's trying to both impress his girlfriend and detach from you in order to be happy in college, so it's not surprising he'd exaggerate about his home life. Don't take it personally, OP, and please be assured he WILL grow out of it. Indeed, I don't think he means it even today! But he'd never admit to that, so don't push it

+1, seems like a classic example of what they call "sullying the nest" (or something like that?) where teens create conflicts and issues with their parents and siblings as a subconscious way of easing their transition to adulthood and living alone.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think especially with young men, they are showing the young ladies they are interested in, that they are their own man.

They feel it's a quality they should have and know that it's a quality that's desirable but at a young age it comes out as trashing their parents.

[Anonymous]

All teens like to feel like they persevered over adversity, even (especially?) the ones who had normal, well-adjusted childhoods. So they pretend UMC suburban family life is a hellhole even though it's the easiest, most pleasant way of living that any human society has yet devised. And of course the social media culture of sharing your "trauma" with everyone online has exacerbated this tendency.

In 5-10 years he will come back around and realize he was lucky to have you.