18 yo DS resents our family

[Anonymous]

I overheard our DS talking to his girlfriend, telling her how her family is so amazing and his family is just doesn't feel like family. He wasn't really trash talking but kind of saying that he cannot wait to be on his own and he thinks he is in a very bad environment at our house, and our family is a mess. He is going to college next year. I tried to examine our family dynamic with the therapist and be as objective as I can. We are not super harmonic and vibrant, but not dysfunctional. There are definitely things that we could be better at, but I genuinely think we are a decent family and environment. It hurts me especially because my family was such a mess and all these years I made a point to treat my kids differently. I don't mean to make this about myself, but it feels like a huge fail on my part if he feels this way. Unless it is normal behavior for teenagers (he is the oldest) and his way of building his independence from us? He acts very estranged and barely talks to us. He refuses any family activity but then complains to her that his family never does things together. Please tell me it will get better.

[Anonymous]

Every 18 year old will go out into the world and get to know different people, dynamics, families. They will naturally be drawn to some things and not drawn to other things.

Stop thinking about it as right and wrong. Think of it as different and preferences.

I prefer family that can just pop in whenever, that would horrify many people.
I like big disorganized gatherings, that would freak most people out.

What you need to do is go at this with an open mind and find out his preferences.

Also, he will eventually grow up to learn you have preferences too and he has to honor your preferences as well.

Stop thinking right and wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I overheard our DS talking to his girlfriend, telling her how her family is so amazing and his family is just doesn't feel like family. He wasn't really trash talking but kind of saying that he cannot wait to be on his own and he thinks he is in a very bad environment at our house, and our family is a mess. He is going to college next year. I tried to examine our family dynamic with the therapist and be as objective as I can. We are not super harmonic and vibrant, but not dysfunctional. There are definitely things that we could be better at, but I genuinely think we are a decent family and environment. It hurts me especially because my family was such a mess and all these years I made a point to treat my kids differently. I don't mean to make this about myself, but it feels like a huge fail on my part if he feels this way. Unless it is normal behavior for teenagers (he is the oldest) and his way of building his independence from us? He acts very estranged and barely talks to us. He refuses any family activity but then complains to her that his family never does things together. Please tell me it will get better.

It's not an uncommon phenomenon. My nearly 20-year-old DD has weirdly engaged in some weird fantasy in her later adolescence that she had a terrible childhood, when in fact her only real trauma was the divorce of her parents when she was 15 (a divorce she advocated for, I might add). She also surrounds herself with people who have legit tragedy in their lives -- dead parents, dead siblings, actual poverty, actual abuse, alcoholic parents. It's almost like she fetishizes this idea that she had a horrible upbringing. Just last month she was telling my brother's friends her parents don't feed her, etc. (But when she comes home from college, she basically expects to be waited on hand and foot, including meals).

I still don't know what to make of it and it's very hard to not take personally since she never wanted for anything, had every advantage and support, and was always loved, supported and secure growing up.

I just keep hoping she grows out of it.

[Anonymous]

He's trying to both impress his girlfriend and detach from you in order to be happy in college, so it's not surprising he'd exaggerate about his home life. Don't take it personally, OP, and please be assured he WILL grow out of it. Indeed, I don't think he means it even today! But he'd never admit to that, so don't push it

[Anonymous]

Grass is always greener.

However, my 17 yr old DS told us recently how grateful he is to have a normal family and parents. He compares them to his friends and GF's parents, and yea, I think we are the most "normal", too.

IMO, sometimes the teen has unreasonable expectations, though, or want everything their way, and if they don't get it, that means their family sucks.. It's like a person who likes being with their affair partner more than their family because, well duh, while with the AP, they don't have to be doing the drudge work of house chores and childcare. They don't spend a ton of time with their AP so they don't get on each other's nerves.

[Anonymous]

OP, you weren't meant to have heard that. The age group often say thing to their friends what would make anyone cringe. They are separating. They are trying to elevate their own, individual status from the family. They are seeing other adults have faults. They are *sure* they don't want to be like their parents, in this way or that way.

I think you make it all worse by giving this much thought

[Anonymous]

"Resents", the use of the word resent is just more drama than necessary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I overheard our DS talking to his girlfriend, telling her how her family is so amazing and his family is just doesn't feel like family. He wasn't really trash talking but kind of saying that he cannot wait to be on his own and he thinks he is in a very bad environment at our house, and our family is a mess. He is going to college next year. I tried to examine our family dynamic with the therapist and be as objective as I can. We are not super harmonic and vibrant, but not dysfunctional. There are definitely things that we could be better at, but I genuinely think we are a decent family and environment. It hurts me especially because my family was such a mess and all these years I made a point to treat my kids differently. I don't mean to make this about myself, but it feels like a huge fail on my part if he feels this way. Unless it is normal behavior for teenagers (he is the oldest) and his way of building his independence from us? He acts very estranged and barely talks to us. He refuses any family activity but then complains to her that his family never does things together. Please tell me it will get better.

It's not an uncommon phenomenon. My nearly 20-year-old DD has weirdly engaged in some weird fantasy in her later adolescence that she had a terrible childhood, when in fact her only real trauma was the divorce of her parents when she was 15 (a divorce she advocated for, I might add). She also surrounds herself with people who have legit tragedy in their lives -- dead parents, dead siblings, actual poverty, actual abuse, alcoholic parents. It's almost like she fetishizes this idea that she had a horrible upbringing. Just last month she was telling my brother's friends her parents don't feed her, etc. (But when she comes home from college, she basically expects to be waited on hand and foot, including meals).

I still don't know what to make of it and it's very hard to not take personally since she never wanted for anything, had every advantage and support, and was always loved, supported and secure growing up.

I just keep hoping she grows out of it.

There is so much wrong here, no wonder your dd isn't happy with her childhood. A 15 year old is a child and shouldn't have been consulted about her parents' marriage and divorce. If, at the time, she inserted herself in the discussion, a *healthy parent with healthy boundaries would lovingly explain that it was a matter between adults and that, no matter what happens, her parents would continue to love and take care of her and that she would be okay.

[Anonymous]

I can only imagine what my 19 year old DS tells his girlfriend about his family. We're far from perfect, but compared to what I grew up in, he has no idea what life can be like for some kids.

Of course her family's great, he hasn't had to live in it, he doesn't see how the sausage is made in that house. PPs have given you some true words of wisdom -- the grass is always greener, they exaggerate, they're separating. And especially now that he's off to college in just 7 months, he's going to be soiling the nest to make his transition easier.

[Anonymous]

OP. Thank you all for posting, you feedback does make me feel like I am over dramatizing this, probably due to my own personal history with truly dysfunctional family (mental health, substance abuse, jailtime etc) So I get really upset/furious hearing him call us a "mess", since we really are not that bad of a family. At least in my book.

[Anonymous]

You can't win. We are a pretty boring household, I admit. But we are stable and the kids are somewhat spoiled.

But I heard my 18yo ds tell his gf that he likes being with her (very dysfunctional crazy) family better because it's more 'exciting' and 'fun.'

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can't win. We are a pretty boring household, I admit. But we are stable and the kids are somewhat spoiled.

But I heard my 18yo ds tell his gf that he likes being with her (very dysfunctional crazy) family better because it's more 'exciting' and 'fun.'

That's exactly us. Stable and spoiling our kids a little, probably because we never had that growing up. My parents refused to co-sign student loan, so I had to work full time and pay for college. DS has his own car and will graduate college without loans, because we saved up enough money. But we don't take fancy vacations and don't go out a lot. Not much extensive family, and not too many friends, since DH is pretty introverted. No parties or big gatherings. So yeah, boring. (OP)

[Anonymous]

This all just falls under the category of Motherhood Sucks, IMO.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I overheard our DS talking to his girlfriend, telling her how her family is so amazing and his family is just doesn't feel like family. He wasn't really trash talking but kind of saying that he cannot wait to be on his own and he thinks he is in a very bad environment at our house, and our family is a mess. He is going to college next year. I tried to examine our family dynamic with the therapist and be as objective as I can. We are not super harmonic and vibrant, but not dysfunctional. There are definitely things that we could be better at, but I genuinely think we are a decent family and environment. It hurts me especially because my family was such a mess and all these years I made a point to treat my kids differently. I don't mean to make this about myself, but it feels like a huge fail on my part if he feels this way. Unless it is normal behavior for teenagers (he is the oldest) and his way of building his independence from us? He acts very estranged and barely talks to us. He refuses any family activity but then complains to her that his family never does things together. Please tell me it will get better.

It's not an uncommon phenomenon. My nearly 20-year-old DD has weirdly engaged in some weird fantasy in her later adolescence that she had a terrible childhood, when in fact her only real trauma was the divorce of her parents when she was 15 (a divorce she advocated for, I might add). She also surrounds herself with people who have legit tragedy in their lives -- dead parents, dead siblings, actual poverty, actual abuse, alcoholic parents. It's almost like she fetishizes this idea that she had a horrible upbringing. Just last month she was telling my brother's friends her parents don't feed her, etc. (But when she comes home from college, she basically expects to be waited on hand and foot, including meals).

I still don't know what to make of it and it's very hard to not take personally since she never wanted for anything, had every advantage and support, and was always loved, supported and secure growing up.

I just keep hoping she grows out of it.

Your nastiness towards your daughter is emanating out of this post. I'm sure you never blamed your daughter for your divorce, right? Oh wait. Team daughter without having to read any more out of you.

[Anonymous]

I think your DS was love bombing the girl with his “My family is a mess” talk. Wait until he goes to college and really sees the messed up family situations up close. And then, you will visit and happily include his friends out to dinner with you and he will show you the love.