18 yo DS resents our family

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I overheard our DS talking to his girlfriend, telling her how her family is so amazing and his family is just doesn't feel like family. He wasn't really trash talking but kind of saying that he cannot wait to be on his own and he thinks he is in a very bad environment at our house, and our family is a mess. He is going to college next year. I tried to examine our family dynamic with the therapist and be as objective as I can. We are not super harmonic and vibrant, but not dysfunctional. There are definitely things that we could be better at, but I genuinely think we are a decent family and environment. It hurts me especially because my family was such a mess and all these years I made a point to treat my kids differently. I don't mean to make this about myself, but it feels like a huge fail on my part if he feels this way. Unless it is normal behavior for teenagers (he is the oldest) and his way of building his independence from us? He acts very estranged and barely talks to us. He refuses any family activity but then complains to her that his family never does things together. Please tell me it will get better.

It's not an uncommon phenomenon. My nearly 20-year-old DD has weirdly engaged in some weird fantasy in her later adolescence that she had a terrible childhood, when in fact her only real trauma was the divorce of her parents when she was 15 (a divorce she advocated for, I might add). She also surrounds herself with people who have legit tragedy in their lives -- dead parents, dead siblings, actual poverty, actual abuse, alcoholic parents. It's almost like she fetishizes this idea that she had a horrible upbringing. Just last month she was telling my brother's friends her parents don't feed her, etc. (But when she comes home from college, she basically expects to be waited on hand and foot, including meals).

I still don't know what to make of it and it's very hard to not take personally since she never wanted for anything, had every advantage and support, and was always loved, supported and secure growing up.

I just keep hoping she grows out of it.

So your relationship with your spouse was so dysfunctional that your 15 year old child was advocating for divorce? You need to think hard about that. Most kids want their parents to stay together no matter how miserable the parents are. The dysfunction in your relationship *had* to be affecting your child. Your child was clearly not “supported and secure growing up.” I think you’re delusional about the impact of all of that (not just the divorce itself) on your kid.

[Anonymous]

He's not being realistic, which is normal.
It's possible that he believes his girlfriend's family is better, but he also sees them at their best and then compares it with what has been going on in your household in day to day life. It could be his way of bonding and being vulnerable with his girl, but as others said - very soon he'll come to realize how lucky he is to have a solid and pretty stable family behind him.

Give it a little time, OP, he doesn't know any better at right now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I overheard our DS talking to his girlfriend, telling her how her family is so amazing and his family is just doesn't feel like family. He wasn't really trash talking but kind of saying that he cannot wait to be on his own and he thinks he is in a very bad environment at our house, and our family is a mess. He is going to college next year. I tried to examine our family dynamic with the therapist and be as objective as I can. We are not super harmonic and vibrant, but not dysfunctional. There are definitely things that we could be better at, but I genuinely think we are a decent family and environment. It hurts me especially because my family was such a mess and all these years I made a point to treat my kids differently. I don't mean to make this about myself, but it feels like a huge fail on my part if he feels this way. Unless it is normal behavior for teenagers (he is the oldest) and his way of building his independence from us? He acts very estranged and barely talks to us. He refuses any family activity but then complains to her that his family never does things together. Please tell me it will get better.

He is 18. Enough said. Its important for grown children to live on their own so they can objectively see what they have at home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I overheard our DS talking to his girlfriend, telling her how her family is so amazing and his family is just doesn't feel like family. He wasn't really trash talking but kind of saying that he cannot wait to be on his own and he thinks he is in a very bad environment at our house, and our family is a mess. He is going to college next year. I tried to examine our family dynamic with the therapist and be as objective as I can. We are not super harmonic and vibrant, but not dysfunctional. There are definitely things that we could be better at, but I genuinely think we are a decent family and environment. It hurts me especially because my family was such a mess and all these years I made a point to treat my kids differently. I don't mean to make this about myself, but it feels like a huge fail on my part if he feels this way. Unless it is normal behavior for teenagers (he is the oldest) and his way of building his independence from us? He acts very estranged and barely talks to us. He refuses any family activity but then complains to her that his family never does things together. Please tell me it will get better.

It's not an uncommon phenomenon. My nearly 20-year-old DD has weirdly engaged in some weird fantasy in her later adolescence that she had a terrible childhood, when in fact her only real trauma was the divorce of her parents when she was 15 (a divorce she advocated for, I might add). She also surrounds herself with people who have legit tragedy in their lives -- dead parents, dead siblings, actual poverty, actual abuse, alcoholic parents. It's almost like she fetishizes this idea that she had a horrible upbringing. Just last month she was telling my brother's friends her parents don't feed her, etc. (But when she comes home from college, she basically expects to be waited on hand and foot, including meals).

I still don't know what to make of it and it's very hard to not take personally since she never wanted for anything, had every advantage and support, and was always loved, supported and secure growing up.

I just keep hoping she grows out of it.

So your relationship with your spouse was so dysfunctional that your 15 year old child was advocating for divorce? You need to think hard about that. Most kids want their parents to stay together no matter how miserable the parents are. The dysfunction in your relationship *had* to be affecting your child. Your child was clearly not “supported and secure growing up.” I think you’re delusional about the impact of all of that (not just the divorce itself) on your kid.

+1 This is a weird post. Children do not advocate for the break-up of their own family unless they have become severely parentified or formed a dyad with one parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He's not being realistic, which is normal.
It's possible that he believes his girlfriend's family is better, but he also sees them at their best and then compares it with what has been going on in your household in day to day life. It could be his way of bonding and being vulnerable with his girl, but as others said - very soon he'll come to realize how lucky he is to have a solid and pretty stable family behind him.

Give it a little time, OP, he doesn't know any better at right now.

Really? My kids are able to figure out unstable and dysfunctional families pretty soon. They are also appreciative that we are normal family. In return, we are also pleased that our kids are normal kids. My kids try and help out their friends when they indulge in risky behavior or self-harm, but if the friends don't change, my kids end the relationship.

[Anonymous]

He is 18. Enough said. Its important for grown children to live on their own so they can objectively see what they have at home.

I hear people say this and I wonder if they think this is true of everyone. Are you sure this 18 year old has it so good at home? It's the same with people who think everyone would love to be a child again because it was SO easy. I know plenty of people who were thrilled to be out on their own, pay adult bills (the horror!), and no longer be forced to live with their abuser.

[Anonymous]

LOL.
My son actually told his flavor of the week I was an alcoholic, a drug addict, how I don't take care of myself, how he does everything for us because he owns our house, owns our vehicles and has to be our financial advisor. How I treat his father like dirt. I have no idea why he said all that stuff and honestly, I don't care.
Girl called me and asked. I laughed my ass off ! I was like you believed him ? She said no.

It's kid stuff. They do what they do.
Don't get too wrapped up in drama. Kids do love that drama.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:LOL.
My son actually told his flavor of the week I was an alcoholic, a drug addict, how I don't take care of myself, how he does everything for us because he owns our house, owns our vehicles and has to be our financial advisor. How I treat his father like dirt. I have no idea why he said all that stuff and honestly, I don't care.
Girl called me and asked. I laughed my ass off ! I was like you believed him ? She said no.

It's kid stuff. They do what they do.
Don't get too wrapped up in drama. Kids do love that drama.

This isn’t funny and is very concerning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:LOL.
My son actually told his flavor of the week I was an alcoholic, a drug addict, how I don't take care of myself, how he does everything for us because he owns our house, owns our vehicles and has to be our financial advisor. How I treat his father like dirt. I have no idea why he said all that stuff and honestly, I don't care.
Girl called me and asked. I laughed my ass off ! I was like you believed him ? She said no.

It's kid stuff. They do what they do.
Don't get too wrapped up in drama. Kids do love that drama.

This isn’t funny and is very concerning.

Yep, not laughing here. I'd be horrified if one of my kids said something like that. And who calls their's adult child's friend "flavor of the week"?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can't win. We are a pretty boring household, I admit. But we are stable and the kids are somewhat spoiled.

But I heard my 18yo ds tell his gf that he likes being with her (very dysfunctional crazy) family better because it's more 'exciting' and 'fun.'

That's exactly us. Stable and spoiling our kids a little, probably because we never had that growing up. My parents refused to co-sign student loan, so I had to work full time and pay for college. DS has his own car and will graduate college without loans, because we saved up enough money. But we don't take fancy vacations and don't go out a lot. Not much extensive family, and not too many friends, since DH is pretty introverted. No parties or big gatherings. So yeah, boring. (OP)

Same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP. Thank you all for posting, you feedback does make me feel like I am over dramatizing this, probably due to my own personal history with truly dysfunctional family (mental health, substance abuse, jailtime etc) So I get really upset/furious hearing him call us a "mess", since we really are not that bad of a family. At least in my book.

I hear you. My very comfortable kids recalls anything less than praise in an exaggerated way. Like if we disapprove of anything she does, we are yelling at her. We are not, and have never cursed, slammed doors of any of the other antics that are common in some families. I understand the term snowflake for this generation.

[Anonymous]

Hugs, OP. I know this hurts because I lived it recently.

They are 18. They are ready to leave by a little freaked out by it. So they say these things to make it easier. They don't realize how devastating it can be to us. I made the mistake of snooping on my DS's reddit account. The hyperbole and outright lies would have me in tears.

BUT...and I am living this now...once they get out there and meet kids from *real* dysfunction, they'll understand.

My son returned for Thanksgiving after his first semester of college and THANKED me for not being overbearing, absent or generally insane. He figured it out pretty quickly and our Christmas visit was delightful.

Hang tough, OP. Your son will figure it out, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

He is 18. Enough said. Its important for grown children to live on their own so they can objectively see what they have at home.

I hear people say this and I wonder if they think this is true of everyone. Are you sure this 18 year old has it so good at home? It's the same with people who think everyone would love to be a child again because it was SO easy. I know plenty of people who were thrilled to be out on their own, pay adult bills (the horror!), and no longer be forced to live with their abuser.

True and false. Most parents aren't abusers. Most emotional abusers aren't self aware.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:LOL.
My son actually told his flavor of the week I was an alcoholic, a drug addict, how I don't take care of myself, how he does everything for us because he owns our house, owns our vehicles and has to be our financial advisor. How I treat his father like dirt. I have no idea why he said all that stuff and honestly, I don't care.
Girl called me and asked. I laughed my ass off ! I was like you believed him ? She said no.

It's kid stuff. They do what they do.
Don't get too wrapped up in drama. Kids do love that drama.

I'm sorry but this isn't normal, neither his made up lies nor your dismissive response. I think you two should seek therapy or at least an honest conversation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hugs, OP. I know this hurts because I lived it recently.

They are 18. They are ready to leave by a little freaked out by it. So they say these things to make it easier. They don't realize how devastating it can be to us. I made the mistake of snooping on my DS's reddit account. The hyperbole and outright lies would have me in tears.

BUT...and I am living this now...once they get out there and meet kids from *real* dysfunction, they'll understand.

My son returned for Thanksgiving after his first semester of college and THANKED me for not being overbearing, absent or generally insane. He figured it out pretty quickly and our Christmas visit was delightful.

Hang tough, OP. Your son will figure it out, too.

Similar experience when our son returned home. He also thanked me for making real meals, and using spices. They grow up a lot that first year away.