Telling an older child about conception using donor egg

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am confused - why do you even need to tell her? Is the donor allowed to contact her or something?

They are not genetically related. All it takes is one genetics class and some funky blood types to uncover this. Or, one 23andMe type test and BAM she finds out and is devastated.

I would have told her by age 7 or 8, 14 is a rough age. I agree with the therapist route.

No it’s best to tell around two or three

They cannot meaningfully understand it at that age. Disagree.

The time around her first period makes much more sense.

Not helpful for OP but I agree first telling at 2-3 is best. Doesn't mean you don't revisit as they get older and have more comprehension but it is better if it's a fact they've grown up with their whole life than something sprung on them in adolescence or even later childhood. That's what I plan to do with my daughter. We have the book "what makes a baby." I'm thinking of making a book for her that tells her specific story since I'm not thrilled with some of the DE books out there.

For OP I agree consulting a therapist with experience in this area makes a lot of sense. On the plus side at least the information will come from you as opposed to them finding out on their own through genetic testing - that seems to be the worst way in terms of feelings of betrayal.

[Anonymous]

There is a solid body of research around disclosing this information to donor-conceived children.

As someone said above, around age 2 is about the right time to start introducing the vocabulary; there are great board books and picture books designed to explain this to very young children. That way they incorporate it into their sense of self from the start -- and before they have much of an idea of what it means, or that it is very unusual. As they get older (and receive deeper context), they'll also process the implications bit by bit.

It also means that within the family unit, it's not treated as if it were a secret, but merely something that is private. Secrets can be seen to be shameful.

[Anonymous]

My mother had a deep dark secret that caused her a lot of pain. She was an illegitimate child at a time when that was truly a very bad thing in the conservative area where she grew up and lived.
She waited until we were grown and settled in our lives she told us her secret. It pained her more than it pained us.
So after a brutal years long struggle with infertility when my babies were born I was just done. They were sickly, they needed round the clock care. I just don’t want to answer any more intrusive questions that anyone who has done infertility treatments has faced. The years went by in a blur and I thought I would tell them when they finished college.
But mere months before that their father was struck by a car and died on the scene. I didn’t want to add to their grief with a big revelation.
As for those people who are so sad about their donor status— people can always find something to complain about and there will always be therapists ready to fan the flames.
Losing your father at age 21 — that is something to be sad about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother had a deep dark secret that caused her a lot of pain. She was an illegitimate child at a time when that was truly a very bad thing in the conservative area where she grew up and lived.
She waited until we were grown and settled in our lives she told us her secret. It pained her more than it pained us.
So after a brutal years long struggle with infertility when my babies were born I was just done. They were sickly, they needed round the clock care. I just don’t want to answer any more intrusive questions that anyone who has done infertility treatments has faced. The years went by in a blur and I thought I would tell them when they finished college.
But mere months before that their father was struck by a car and died on the scene. I didn’t want to add to their grief with a big revelation.
As for those people who are so sad about their donor status— people can always find something to complain about and there will always be therapists ready to fan the flames.
Losing your father at age 21 — that is something to be sad about.

So sorry for your loss, PP. In your situation, I can see why it could all just be kept secret.

[Anonymous]

You've had 14 years to figure this out, and now you're asking DCUM? By waiting so long you've destroyed the trust your child will have in you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You've had 14 years to figure this out, and now you're asking DCUM? By waiting so long you've destroyed the trust your child will have in you.

DP.

That is really harsh, PP. and I don’t believe it is true at all!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You've had 14 years to figure this out, and now you're asking DCUM? By waiting so long you've destroyed the trust your child will have in you.

DP.

That is really harsh, PP. and I don’t believe it is true at all!

"At age 20, 50% of participants who had been told after age seven that they were donor-conceived reported problems in family relationships, compared to 12.5% of participants who’d been told before age seven."

https://time.com/6271779/donor-conceived-impact-child-study/

OP has prioritized her own comfort level over having this difficult but necessary conversation with her child. By continuing to put it off day after day, it becomes an ever bigger issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You've had 14 years to figure this out, and now you're asking DCUM? By waiting so long you've destroyed the trust your child will have in you.

Well at least it took until page three to get an unkind, and completely unnecessary comment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You've had 14 years to figure this out, and now you're asking DCUM? By waiting so long you've destroyed the trust your child will have in you.

Well at least it took until page three to get an unkind, and completely unnecessary comment.

The truth can be unkind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You've had 14 years to figure this out, and now you're asking DCUM? By waiting so long you've destroyed the trust your child will have in you.

Well at least it took until page three to get an unkind, and completely unnecessary comment.

That’s true, and maybe some cause for hope.

The person who made the unkind comment is also a bit of a sadist, since OP can’t change the past. But PP just could not resist making a cruel comment designed to inflict pain.

To that PP, there is something seriously wrong with you.

[Anonymous]

OP, there are donor conceived people facebook groups that can help you. They're probably going to be harsh, because you have made a mistake by waiting so long, but you should listen with an open heart.

My advice is to prioritize and validate your child's feeling. If your child is angry/sad, etc., don't take that personally, apologize, and let them know that it's ok to have those feelings. It may be shock right away and anger later, so be prepared to be supportive long term. If they want to meet their bio mom or siblings, see if you can facilitate that.

This is most likely going to be hard for your kid, so do your best to be supportive and don't center your own feelings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You've had 14 years to figure this out, and now you're asking DCUM? By waiting so long you've destroyed the trust your child will have in you.

Well at least it took until page three to get an unkind, and completely unnecessary comment.

That’s true, and maybe some cause for hope.

The person who made the unkind comment is also a bit of a sadist, since OP can’t change the past. But PP just could not resist making a cruel comment designed to inflict pain.

To that PP, there is something seriously wrong with you.

Yes, there is something wrong with me. My mom waited until I was 18 to tell me I was adopted, and it was a mind f*ck and felt like a complete betrayal. OP has known from the beginning that she would have to tell her child, but has chosen to put it off. My hope is that perhaps, by posting the science study, it will inspire other parents to tell their kids early so they aren't blindsided in adulthood. And OP doesn't need her feelings coddled, that is how she has managed thus far to avoid her responsibility in this situation that she has created.

[Anonymous]

I used donor sperm. In my case DH wanted to keep it a secret until age 18. I objected and told them (twins) at age 8. He still won’t talk about it with them. It’s important to tell the truth no matter what age. Start now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I used donor sperm. In my case DH wanted to keep it a secret until age 18. I objected and told them (twins) at age 8. He still won’t talk about it with them. It’s important to tell the truth no matter what age. Start now.

For the man, I feel there is often more pride involved (as ridiculous as that sounds). But not too surprising he wanted to keep it a secret longer.

Assume in OP’s case her husband was the donor?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am confused - why do you even need to tell her? Is the donor allowed to contact her or something?

She will find out some day. Probably better to hear it from her parents first. You can't keep these secrets anymore.

+1 And all research suggests that being open and honest with your kids about their donor-conceived status helps them also feel fine about it/have a good relationship with parents about it. That being said, I totally understand why it felt awkward to bring this up, OP. How have you addressed teaching her about sex/pregnancy in general? I would approach it through those conversations, maybe introducing her to the concept of miscarriages/infertility/etc, which is something I think we don't discuss at all until people are actually trying to get pregnant as adults and can be a bit disorienting to learn.

NP.

Yes, thank you , thank you , thank you!

Miscarriages can be so devastating. But they are made unnecessarily more difficult because we fail to educate girls and women about how common they are.

My own DD is 14. I feel she is very mature and understanding for her age. So we have talked about this before.

All girls should know this before they turn 18.

Question is... why are miscarriages getting more and more common? If it’s poor health (which must be at least part of the issue), I’d empower my daughter by telling her everything that might increase the probability of miscarriage. If she’s interested, she can research on her own.

This is derailing the topic a bit, but miscarriages are not necessarily getting more common - pregnancy testing is getting more precise and earlier. I had several very early miscarriages and no health/fertility problems -- I simply tested a lot. It's like how PCR tests can detect tiny traces of COVID so if everyone takes a PCR, you will see more positives.